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Look, I don't know why I'm posting this. I swore I'd never post anything here again but where else am I going to put this shit. I can't talk to the people around me, I don't even tell my therapist the whole truth, but no one knows me here. No one cares and honestly, no one's going to read this. I just need to get it out there.
Alright everyone my name was Daniel, then it was Karissa, and now, it's Audrey. For the longest time my hormone medication was wrong. Completely wrong, and my transition wasn't working. I hated myself when I looked in the mirror, I hated the way I sounded, the way I acted. I hated how overweight I was. There wasn't much I didn't hate.
Daniel was a horrible person and I speak about him in the third person because I don't know who the fuck that is anymore. I'm so far removed from who he was that I can't even remember what his favorite food was, what kind of music he liked, who he looked up to. He died a long time ago, when he became Karissa, but now, Karissa is dying as well. My thyroid is evened out, my weight is dropping, and when I look in the mirror, I can see Audrey, I can fucking see her. She's in there, she's coming out, and very soon, I'm going to be her. That's fantastic. The people around me call me Audrey, no one misgenders me, I'm very well respected. I wear a dress to work every single day, I have long hair, I never have to correct people on my pronouns. That's all great, but I can feel a part of me fading away. It's not bad; that part of me was awful. A part of me called Daniel who constantly tried to involve others in his ridiculous kinks. Karissa who did the same, only under the guise of 'it's okay, I'm a girl'. I'm ashamed of those people and as I push them under for the last time, I feel like I'm destroying everything I used to be, like it's a part of my life that never mattered. So let's do this. I know no one is really going to read this, and if they do, they're not going to know what to say. I mean, I wouldn't know what to say to anyone if they started posting bullshit like this and that's okay. I just need to get it out, and get it out in a place where no one I know will ever read it.
This is the only journal I'll ever write, and I'm writing it on Big Closet. What the fuck.
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I’m not in a position to judge anyone, nor am willing to do so, but one thing I know. Our past mistakes and life experiences make us what we are today. You learn much more from your bad experiences than from the good ones, if you are willing to. Just don’t be to hard on yourself.
Congratulations! You are
Congratulations! You are working to improve yourself. That is a big task with a huge expenditure of energy (mostly emotional, but also physical). As for the past, try to let it go (and leave it there), and try to forgive yourself for past transgressions. I know from personal experience how hard that can be. That journey usually requires time for growth.
You go girl!
Life is tough. I'm 71, back when I was kid in the late 50s I knew the boy shell I wore was a sham, but back in rural Pennsylvania then there were no options. My dad was a WWII vet, a tough as nail paratrooper who made a combat jump into Germany in early '45. That and seeing the Concentration camps screwed him up. He couldn't show emotion and was a functional alcoholic. He built & opened a service station next door when i was 9. I worked there after school every day. I had no choice but to be a guy. My older bro was the first in 3 generations to complete high school, I was the 1st to complete college while working full time paying my own way through. I married and had a daughter, My wife eveloped MS then fell breaking her back paralyzing her. For the last 9 years of her life she was bedridden with me as her caretaker while working full time. We were married 36 years before her death and I've been alone the last 12 years. I have 2 artificial knees, had a sextuple bypass, just this year had back surgery fusing me from S1 down to L2 with rods & plates (shoulder blades to hips). I'll never transition but I've accepted that and take my solace here and by writing. You can safely vent here.
I was taking my grandfather for chemo when I was 25 and we talked. He told me the secret to a happy life was simple but difficult to do. Everything that happens in life has at least a tiny bit of good. Usually we only see the bad and it drags us down. He told me to train myself to look for the good 1st. A very difficult thing to do but well worth the effort. Then grab the good and hug it to your heart while you deal with the bad. It cushions the bad and helps it pass. Being smart ass I asked him what was good about pain. He had prostrate cancer and was so debilitated I had to carry him to & from the car, pain was his unrelenting companion. He chuckled while lying in the back seat of the car because it was too painful to sit. "As long as I hurt I know I'm alive... and believe me I KNOW I'm alive." It's how I've handled the adversity in my life and I must say despite the bad, I am seldom depressed. Another word of advise he gave me was this, It's okay to talk to yourself. It's okay to yell at yourself. It's even okay to talk to yourself. The only time you need to worry is if you argue with yourself and lose.
Stay true to your heart, learn to forgive yourself, and learn to smile.
Jennifer Sue
Remember, boys can be girls if they're lucky.
Boys will be girls... if they're lucky!
Jennifer Sue
You get a Mulligan
Audrey,
I'm going to speak from my experience and your situation may be different. The phases of my life are a little similar to yours. Up to age 42, I used my dead name and tried to present male gender but was horrible at it.
In November 1999 I began getting ready for presenting female gender in preparation for going full time. I went by Tina a nickname from my middle name Montine which I initially wanted to be my first name with my middle name becoming a feminization of my previous first name. I began therapy for gender dysphoria and in March 2000 I started female hormones. All through this period, I presented female gender with everyone except my parents and work. My parents said that they would excommunicate me when I went full time and no longer would dress as a male. At the time I thought this was only a threat because I could not conceive that they would actually do that. I even complied with attending sessions with a therapist of their choosing in addition to my transition therapist. When that therapist declared me to have gender dysphoria, I thought that that would reconcile me with my parents but it didn't.
On July 6,2000 I had my name changed to Ariel Montine Strickland and I became a full time trans woman. My parents made good on their threat and I was no longer welcome in their home which lasted five years. When they lifted the restriction, I thought we were reconciled but I soon discovered that we were not because they continued using my dead name outside my presence. Eventually they started using Ariel in my presence but they misgendered me and used my dead name in talking about me but not to me.
After July 6, 2000, I feel like I had a do-over or a mulligan and I reinvented myself. Life wasn't easy transitioning on the job but I eventually left and got training to become a CNA and I stayed in that occupation until I retired. I was greatly fulfilled in helping others directly which was another way I reinvented myself. I did not disclose my transgender status and I was accepted as a woman by everyone. Five years ago I was married to a wonderful man. I moved to Denver Colorado to get a job and a apartment for me and my husband who joined me in Denver a year later. I also moved to be with my Aunt's family who accepted me as a woman. After I retired as a CNA, I was able to qualify for GCS. My Medicare advantage and Medicaid is going to pick up 100% of my surgery cost My surgery will be October 11th at a local hospital.
My memories of the time before when I was known by my deadname are fading yet I still have to deal with the consequences of my actions from then. I have a good life now with my husband and I have become active in a Episcopal church which has provided me with lots of family of choice locally in addition to the family of choice from which I moved away. I count my life in parts. The part up to age 21 when I lived as a child. My life up to age 42 when I lived as an adult male. My life from November 1999 to July 2000 was a transition of gender presentations. And my life from July 2000 to the present and beyond when I am a woman.
In my experience those other lives are with me as I came to reject them while being effected by my choices and their consequences. Since I became Ariel I have become a new person. The old is gone, the new has come.
Audrey, You too can leave your old lives behind and be a new person. Many people in our situation feel that the people they have been in their old lives have died. It's okay to grieve their loss because that is something that is common to lots of people that have to take this journey. The important thing is to eventually finish the process of grieving those lives so you will be free to take advantage of the chance you have with your Do-Over or Mulligan to create your new life having made peace with your old lives.
If you hold on to those old lives you may miss the many opportunities you can have with your new life. It's very important to forgive yourself for those old lives so you can embrace your new life. In order to gain love from others or that special person you must first forgive and love yourself which will make obvious your inner beauty as well as your outer beauty. Closeness to others follows giving of yourself to others without expecting anything in return. In my experience that leads to gaining friends who will love you unconditionally. In doing this you may find your person if you are open to love and have become a new person.
Even those who do not have gender dysphoria can have their old life gone and become a new person. They too have to grieve the death of the person that they were before and forgive their selves for the transgressions of the life that has died to leave behind the past so they have room in their hearts to embrace their new lives.
My wish for you is to finish grieving the death of your old life, forgive yourself for the transgressions of your old life and embrace your new life.
The old is gone, the new has come.
Exploring the impossibilities,
Jo Dora Webster on YouTube