As I sit and watch the thunderstorm’s fury unleashed on the city I realize that my life reflects the activity of the storm. I sit here in my friend’s garage shut away from the world hiding from my past. I can’t believe that people can be so cruel and heartless. Well maybe I can’t accuse the whole world of being cruel as I have at least two friends.

I don’t really understand why people have to be so mean when they find out someone is different. Let me go back to the beginning, as it seems that I need to get this burden off my chest.

When I was in elementary school, I was different from the other boys and I was ridiculed for it. I didn’t have the stamina that others had. I always found it easier to sit and read novels than play football, soccer or other rough sports. When I did try to join in those sports I always got hurt. There was one time where I was dazed by a football hitting me in the temple. Yeah I know it could have been worse but my glasses took the brunt of the hit, yet I still wound up with a minor concussion. After that, I decided to stay as far away from the other boys as I could. That decision of mine doomed the rest of my school days. Somehow, I got lucky and never got beat up too badly in school. During breaks, that is a different story and I will talk about that later.

I was an easy target and everyone else used me as such. The teachers were clueless as to what went on as I learned to bottle my emotions at an early age, and didn’t let anyone get too close as I knew they would just want to use me for their needs and toss me to the side when it was suitable for them. I can count the true friends I had in school on one hand, wait I don’t even need that. The truth is I had none until my last year of junior high where I met someone who saw me for who I was, not their conceived idea as to who I should be. Granted both of us were loners in school, we both had emotional baggage that could probably fill a three-bedroom house if it were tangible. I got depressed and suicidal before my parents realized something was seriously wrong, however they never acted on anything. Yes, I will admit I attempted it, but it only made me sick and I realized that taking the “easy” way out was a stupid thing to do.

High school was not much different, as I was still an easy target, no matter what I did to try and gain weight, I could never break 98 lbs and being a twig just made people act differently around me, it seemed that no matter what I did I could not make friends easily. Those three years were hell on earth. I have repressed so many memories from school that I can’t seem to remember much of anything that went on.

Here is where things will bounce around and not make much sense... You have been warned!

The first memory that I have is of a knife being held to me and someone threatening me for some reason, I can’t remember what actually happened but, I can remember that jack-knife with the wood sides and brass ends like it were yesterday. It’s funny how unstable memory can be.

There was this one time in sixth grade where I was walking by the trees and was struck with a football to the side of my face just a few inches above the temple, man did I see stars. I remember feeling this intense pain and being knocked over. Before I could even stand up the playground monitor had called for the school nurse to come out and check me. I was rushed inside and told to lay down on the cot in the nurse’s office while I was monitored for a concussion. Well to make a long story short I developed the signs of a concussion and was sent home. I really don’t like Valentine’s Day, as it seems that I am doomed to be sent home every time that holiday falls on a school day either from illness or injury.

Then there is the time I flipped over my handlebars of my bicycle after racing to a supposed friend’s house, as his little sister had been hurt on the way home from school. She walked home and I wound up going to the hospital by ambulance. That day I will never forget as I found out that I had no true friends. I distinctly remember flying for 6 seconds before crashing face first into the asphalt during the afternoon. I didn’t really feel any pain as I went into shock before I hit the ground. I remember trying to get up and falling down again only this time I hit the back of my head on the concrete curb and stayed there. The kids from the school seemed to circle around me and laugh, no one went to get help and I remember laying there dazed not really remembering if I drifted off to sleep or not. The next thing I can really remember is the panic-stricken face of an adult telling me I needed to stay awake and talk to her. I have no clue who she was and I never did get her name, yet she managed to keep me awake long enough for the paramedics to arrive and start triage. Just before that, my mom showed up saying one of the neighbor’s kids had told her about the accident. Of course; by this time the other kids were nowhere to be found. I remember the ride to the ER being slow and very painful. Being strapped to a spinal board with a cervical collar is not something I want to experience again. I spent 5½ hours strapped to that torture device, before the doctor got the X-rays back and decided to release me from that prison.

The clean up seemed worse as the nurses scrubbed every cut and scrape with betadyne scrub. Man did that burn! It felt like the nurse was using sand paper to scrub out the wounds over my body. Somehow, I was lucky enough that I didn’t break any bones. All I got out of it was a sprained wrist and three stitches in my lip.

During junior high, I had some wonderful experiences; I was able to volunteer as a candy striper at a local hospital. That was a wonderful learning experience as I found I have a great bedside manner well suited for nurses. I did this for about 2 years and only stopped when I turned 18 and made the mistake of letting someone decide to help me join the military. During my last year as a volunteer I managed to catch Appendicitis, the funny part was I was working in a hospital when I started to feel sick to my stomach. I told my supervisor that I was feeling off and was going home early. (I usually worked 12-hour days on the weekends) She looks at me and asks if I want to go to the ER and be checked out, as I was looking pale. I brush it off, went home, and then curled up in my bed at Noon, and slept until seven that night when my mom had to wake me up. Usually I don’t do this. When she pulled off the blanket and placed her hand on me, she left and came back with a thermometer and took my temperature. Finding out it was 105.9 and still climbing we went to the ER where they delayed until 2:30 AM the next morning to remove my appendix, because I didn’t show all the signs of appendicitis. The surgeon didn’t want to do the surgery but said “If I leave this for the morning I have a feeling it will rupture” so at 2:30 I had my appendix removed. The weird part is I distinctly remembering the surgeon saying, “OH SHIT it ruptured” then the Anesthesiologist saying "Oh Fuck" before hearing the gas turn on. My next memory is waking up in a hospital bed somewhere else. Recovery took three days and now I can’t stand the taste or smell of JELL-O.

I have managed to keep a portion of my life hidden since I was five. This is when I found out that I was not male but I am a transsexual, mentally I am female, however physically I am genetically male. I kept having a feeling that I am supposed to be a girl not a boy, yet it felt so wrong to voice this so I buried it deep in my mind and keep it hidden. I manage to keep this hidden successfully for the next seventeen years. This is one secret that I still keep from my family. I have a feeling that my mother knows some of it but she hasn’t approached me yet.
I find it hard to be open with people because I have seen the horrible things they can do to others who are different because they don’t understand. I have seen the brutal beatings, stabbings and shootings that occur on a seemingly daily basis. I wish people would grow up and realize that everyone is different; nobody thinks the same or acts the same every moment of their waking life.
I know that most of this seems trivial but it is my life in a nutshell. Most people will think that it is crazy but it is all true.