Over the time I have been on this site I have seen many an author, reader, or simply a poor tortured soul who has expressed themselves either through their writing, or through a posted blog. I myself have found it useful at times to post something, using the site to express my frustrations with some aspect of my life or society in general - or crying out over some emotional issue which is tearing me apart.

God knows we all have our own demons, and mine have certainly become old friends to me over the years. Being able to use this site, not to mention the support others have given me here over the years has been instrumental in my still being here to type this. And it goes without saying that we’re it not for the help and support of multiple people here I would not only never have had the courage to transition, but I would probably be sharing that last drink at the O club with my fallen comrades. Yeah, I have not forgotten about the dance I promised you Tommy; don’t despair old friend, you’ll get it - just not yet, for I have too much to do before I depart this troubled old world. I made too many promises that are yet unfulfilled, and too many people to care for. You and the boys will just have to be patient for a while longer.

During the past several weeks, I have seen multiple cries for help, or angered rants from people that I not only respect, but care about. Unfortunately, I seem to be the cause of one of those. For this, I have apologized to the person involved - and I apologize to those who are concerned about her and have approached me. It was not my intent at all.

I made what I felt was a simple comment regarding a story she had written, a comment which explained what bothered me while reading the story. The story moved me to tears, which in and of itself is a testament to the author’s talent - it takes true talent to move a reader that much in so few words. My comment stated that I had trouble with a God who would be so cruel and punish a child who was so loving and caring.

The author responded to me with a comment that I felt was not just condescending, but insulting to me as a transgender woman who had spent five decades coping with the same issues expressed in the story. Yes, I too had spent many a night praying to God, to any God, to fix me. Of course, I received no answer, which I attribute to my own failings as a person. This is my burden to carry as I look for forgiveness, among the many other sins I have committed. I know that when I face my maker I will be found terribly wanting. I simply hope that I can atone for some of those sins before my time is called, and I ask for nothing more than the chance for that one dance I promised and one last toast with my boys before I am sentenced to damnation.

To all who read this, please know that if I comment on a story it is from my heart and never with the intention to hurt another. I try to be constructive if I offer a critique, but perhaps this time I failed to make that plain. Any insult or slight which I felt was short lived and as I have learned to do these past few years, I let it go. Unfortunately, the author was not able to do that, torturing herself over the feeling she had hurt me. Please fear not Honey, I am not injured by your response to me. I will endeavor to do better in the future and cause less pain to you and anyone else.

I have hurt enough people in my life. Everything I did in my past was to help others, but sometimes you have to kill the evil that exists to save the good. I just hope I was on the right side of those battles. The ends may justify the means, but as the instrument of death I cannot help but wonder………