I recently had a row with my wife. She told me I bottle everything up and I don't show my emotions. What I wonder is this because I'm a man? Or is it due to the fact that I longed to be a girl?
My wife knew I liked to occasionally dress before we married, when the kids come along I was forbidden to do it and still am. I do everything without her knowledge now. Hotel stays when working, fishing holidays etc, allows Leeanna time.
From the age of 4, when I first tried to wear my mothers underwear and got caught by my father, it was made clear that this was one of the worse things I could do. I never got hit at the time, but was scared of the reaction it caused. I learned to be secretive and wear what I could when I could and never, never get caught. When we were taught to pray at school, when I was 5. I used to pray I'd wake up as a girl. I did not know the difference, except girls wore nice clothes.
My early teenage years was spent locked away in my bedroom reading. I did come out of my shell later, and found out playing the clown got me positive attention. I only had brothers. Is that why I don't show emotions? The only one that ever hugged me was my mother. I hug my adult kids now, but it still feels awkward.
Anyway what I'm asking is, is this because I'm a 50 plus year old guy, or is it the other side of my nature makes me the way I am?
Women usually want big strong "manly" men. I can understand the evolutionary need for a protector when raising children. How often do you see women complaining about men not sharing their feeling now days though.?
Well most of the child rearing is still done by women, they are the ones that, probably due to societal "norms" don't "coddle" their boys for fear that they grow up "weak". A girl trips and cuts her knee, lots of reassuring, a boy is often told "be a big boy", "big boys don't cry" or told to stop being a sissy.
I wonder if growing up with 1970's values of manhood makes me what I am, or the secret that drives me underground, that none of my family know about, that makes me an emotional cripple.
When alone I will hear or see something and will sit in the car and cry, but never when anyone can see. The only time they saw me cry was when my father died, I suffered from depression. That was due to 3 close family members dying within 6 months and a year of hell at work.
My doctor told me I was suffering from PTSD, due to being everyone else's "rock" for 6 months. He said the cork has burst out of the bottle. He was a wonderful man. He was an openly gay doctor and said I needed a hug. He did hug me and after crying for 5 mins I felt a hell of a lot better.
I know my story will be similar to many. I am resigned to being a guy, that occasionally gets to be who he wants to be. I know if I came out too many loved ones would suffer.
Are there many like me? I suspect there are.
Comments
In answer to your question
I suspect there are many who suffer similarly to yourself. It sounds as if you need some help with your issues, talking them through with someone who will listen impartially may help to ease them. Possibly, you also need to take as well as give to your family as you are as entitled as any of them, don't let your generosity cause you pain and learn to ask for things in return even if it's only continuing your covert expression of how you felt as a four year old.
I wish you luck with your life but try not to feel so hard on yourself, we can't help who we are only how we deal with it.
Sending you virtual hugs,
Angharad
Angharad
Thank you Angharad, I was
Thank you Angharad, I was tearing up reading your message. I was always a giver, and am astonished when someone does something for me. I think I have been taken advantage of, very frequently in my life. I'm not gullible, just generous.
My old boss told me I had to learn to say "no". I do now, every so often, but then fell guilty.
Leeanna
I hope I'm not intruding.
For the sake of your lifelong plight, please know that there are so many folks here, myself included, that struggle with the same issues as you. Your physician rightly identified at least one thing - that the trauma you endured indeed has likely led to post-traumatic stress- keeping in mind that abuse need not take one form or even be intentional.
I found my help through a therapist I sought whem my first therapist had to withdraw when she had medical problems. You might have success through this website? The participants all list their practice modalities and specialties. I strongly suggest you enlist the help of a therapist versed both in traumatology AND gender issues. And as much as some have found help in on-line therapy, the complexity and depth of your needs really requres an in-present treatment.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/
I cannot begin to say how much therapy has helped me. I wish you every success.
Love, Andrea Lena
Thank you for the advice. I
Thank you for the advice. I am at a sort of balance in my life at the moment. Work is going well and apart from having no sex life(with my wife). I am happy with the balance. As a guy I don't hate my body like some do. I am scared of upsetting anything. Therapy may push me to reveal my gender issues, I just see those as my problems. I don't want these afflicted on my family.
You can tell by the picture, I am happier as a woman. never get a smile like that out of the male me. x
Leeanna
You are all of us
Your outline above is pretty spot on for me too. Of course we are the product of our experiences and our reactions to them. Some article I was reading indicated that more of us have PTSD symptoms than we want to admit to. We all self select to read and post here so there are probably any number of other similarities between us too.
I don't want to pretend that I have had a traumatic life, I have not. Just the normal shocks and trauma that we all get after living this long.
Friends dying, parents passing, Car accidents, Falling off mountains, After a while the list gets pretty long. Each and every one of them another freaking opportunity for growth.
We do live in a soup of expectations and assumptions about what is expected. And we do mostly try to live up to them. Or have those expectations assumed. There could be a debate about how much is learned, how much is innate, and how much is intentionally adopted.
In the end though we do, sometimes, get to grow a bit. Even when we are old and grey, like you and me.
Peace
Crescenda
aka
Your friend
Crash
Thanks Crash. I used to feel
Thanks Crash. I used to feel such guilt and purge. A few years back I was 55, I though, no this is me. I accepted what I am, but that's my business. I'm not going to shout it out.
Leeanna
While I believe the best human qualities are genderless...
and your wife is a product of the time too I find it sad she would wish you to close that part of yourself off to the kids. The closest role model to children are their parents and they will learn and model behaviors off them. Your great qualities so described I believe would shine even more to them if open. Some form of privacy is important I agree but there's chosen privacy or forced/necessary privacy.
Anyway I am glad to see you are feeling more of a balance as the Yin/Yang is such an important part of life. I hope things get even better.
Thank you Sarang, Perhaps
Thank you Sarang, Perhaps when I retire, god willing I get through to that, I may renegotiate with my wife. I always take the path of least resistance. Am I a coward? or brave to put others first?
Younger people are more accepting now. My oldest son can't believe how accepting I am of LGBTQ. He doesn't know there is a very good reason.
When I was an apprentice in a factory at 19, there was a guy with a high pitched voice, he wasn't gay, everyone said he was. I was pushed against a wall by my mentor who said "cover your ass quick here comes the poofta". Old slang for gay.
This made me angry and I asked if the guy was gay, why he thought he wanted his wrinkled old backside? All I got was they will fu*& anything, you need tin drawers when he's around.
I asked him why all the women on the factory floor didn't sit down when he went in to fix a machine then? Couldn't answer that.
My mother told me once she disagreed with gay marriage . I told that's fine. Don't marry another women and you'll be ok then. But why stop someone else being happy. Love goes beyond gender, as most of on here accept. She understood and agreed at 82 year old.
The world is slowly becoming a more accepting place, well many western countries anyway.
Leeanna
No problem.
I would add I think if we put Economic struggle first we will keep those rights always. It's hard to think less of someone who has died and bled with you in the Struggle and it truly cements your relationship. A.Philip Randolph preceded MLK, nuff said.
It kills me we were progressing till the 80's and we were all forced in the closet, GLBT and conventional, by stagnant Corporate and Governmental norms. that being said did we leave those people out of the conversation and not help lock arms and help enrich them economically could we have prevented this? Sorry just pondering.
Me Too!
Not the movement, but the shared experience.
I think that it should be clear to you that you are on this site because this is where we are - people just like you.
We all have different ways to cope, and if you are truly comfortable living as a man with Leeanna time then that might be good.
Transition is hard and bridges will be burned, even if you back out as I did, but it seems easier now than it used to be.
I watched the Caitlyn Jenner film last night and she just needed to transition after putting it off for so many years.
It seemed like she did not know herself and her family did not know her, until she did.
But draw comfort from the fact that you are not alone ... in fact there are so many of us it is amazing.
Maryanne
Maryanne, I do appreciate
Maryanne, I do appreciate that there are probably many like me. I accept that I will have to live the way I live. I'm not sure that I am truly comfortable, as I have never lived any other way. One of the reasons I started to write stories, is it helps me cope, I can be my other self in my head for a while.
I'm sorry you stopped your transition half way. Perhaps it was for the best? You read stories of poor souls that go all the way and regret it. The media would have us believe there is a large percentage of regret. Not sure that is the truth. Is it us or the world that says, "chop off those few ounces of flesh between your legs and you can dress and act like a woman"?
I see nothing wrong with being a woman with a few extra bits in your knickers. When I was younger I used to dream of loosing them in an accident, but not now.
I'd like to thank you all for your support, it's nice to know I'm not alone. x
Leeanna
The Field of Psychological Theory
Research is replete with those who can give you all sorts of explanations for unexplained emotionalism. Perhaps one of them is that people who are required to subdue their feelings overly much eventually unwillingly release them, often in a highly emotional way. Women are permitted, even expected to laugh and cry with great abandon and no one says a word. If a man does the same thing, there is great disapproval. Perhaps that is the reason for certain feelings of wanting to be a woman? At least that way one could emote with much less disapproval? I was reading in the DSM 5 and saw that they feel that one of the causes of Gender Dysphoria is Childhood abuse. I think that is a no brainer. I suspicion that our Judeo/Christian culture exacerbates the situation. 20 years before I came out as Transgender, a couples counselor looked at me after we spoke only briefly and said I should be living as a woman! My then wife was upset, and we vowed to 'Pray it away'. I wish you well.
Hi Gwen, I was reading up on
Hi Gwen, I was reading up on the reasons boys are doing worse than girls in schools in the last 20 years. One site had an insightful answer that from entering school, boys are treated differently than girls. Girls are praised for minor accomplishments, whereas boys are not. It goes back to the way society expect boys to grow to be strong potential soldiers that will join an army and kill. Can't coddle boys, toughen them up instead.
Emotions are weak. Boys are given more attention for physical accomplishments. Boy's learn in a different way to girls, the system now has skewed to teaching girls, rather than boys. The older and perhaps crueler methods worked for boys.
https://www.theguardian.com/science/2017/may/25/fathers-pay-...
This is one example how parents treat children differently, based on gender
Little girls are much more open about their feelings, because society says that it's ok for girls to be that way.
It's not surprising that male suicides are twice that of females. Women attempt it more, as a last cry for help, many make sure they will be found or call someone telling them. Men just seem to get on with it. I know of around 5 people that committed suicide, all men,
Ignoring and suppressing emotions may make good soldiers, but also leads to "toxic masculinity".
Leeanna
Hot Subject
leeanna, god hon, there is no way to do this via message. Holding back because you don't want to hurt the one you love is so emotionally unselfish of you. Sadly it's a life of little bits of unhappyness for two people, you and your love (wife). In her own way, she's hurting as much as you and hasn't accepted all of you. Both of you need some serious counseling if either of you hope to achieve the real happiness of sharing one's life with another.
Sadly, although she loves you and married you for everything you are, she truly doesn't understand why? I'm so sorry for you both and honestly wish you were close. If both of you go into counseling I want you to understand it may be the breaking point. Very recently a couple I know only too well divorced because she couldn't accept all of the person she married and "he-she" could no longer deny the female within. I wish them both well but it's been an emotional heartbreak of hell for both and all she had to do was accept and share life with the one she married. "He-she" is a very beautiful woman. Sadly it hasn't gone glass smooth as I've counseled "him-her" through several emotional breakdowns. "He-she" still loves the ex despite a vindictive divorce. She really raked him over the coals verbally and financially. The part I like is "he-she" is, even prettier than the wife and she is beauty queen beautiful.
leeanna, love, I wish you and yours happiness. Most of all. I pray both of you may find a common ground where love and understanding bonds two souls who loved each other so much they were willing to share their life.
always
Barb
Life isn't a contest of whose on top. It's a sharing of give and take. Love and happiness can only grow and bloom when each one is willing to give more than take.
Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl
Thanks Barb, that's exactly
Thanks Barb, that's exactly why I won't do that. Vindictive divorce and emotional heartbreak, are not something I want to cope with. I am happy to live with the deception rather than face that if I come clean.
I'm a coward for not being the real me, but a hero for realising the cost would be my families happiness .
Leeanna
If the "problem" is that
If the "problem" is that others don't recognise your emotions, rather than you don't have them, you might wish to explore whether you are on the autistic/aspergers spectrum; aspies have a different way of expressing them from "neurotypies" and it is very common for members of the trans community to be on the spectrum (some figures even suggest that the majority of those having GRS are on the spectrum).
There is no "treatment" for autism but it may give you a different perspective.
I have never thought of that.
I have never thought of that. Then I am British and we are masters of the "Stiff Upper Lip" , No, No, we won't talk about that attitude. I see my grown up boys hugging their friends, we would never do that when I was young. I find it awkward hugging anyone but very close family. I want to, just feels odd. I'm not a cold person , but I may come over as one.
On another note, I know I have purged a few times, I never thought admirers did. I got this from a guy I have met a few times.
"I came off TV Chix in a fit of denial which I think most people get from time to time but I cant get away from the fact that I adore girls like you"
He had not sent me any emails for months, I was wondering if he was OK. He is a lovely guy, gentle and considerate, He deleted all his email accounts to "clean" himself of guilt. Purging form the other side.
Leeanna