Some are aware that I drop in from time to time, read a bunch of stories, answer some messages. I have been very quiet over the last number of years, I am truly amazed at just how long that has been. I never left though, I just never managed to pull my muse back together or perhaps it has found a new expression in art. I spend a lot of time painting or doing digital art, it's quite relaxing. However, I still read a lot and there are so many capable writers here.

Having said that, I feel I am missing something that really touched me deeply. I'll take you back, about 20 years ago or so... I was really just starting to explore my gender boundaries and writing fiction was a very serious part of that exploration. TG fiction was ascendant then, I think, with sites like Big Closet, Fictionmania, Crystal's Story Site, and so many more. Times have changed, Big Closet and Fictionmania remain, but many others have really stopped, even if they are still online. Nevertheless, the virtual pages allowed me to escape into a different world, some worlds I even crafted myself, and that was really amazing. It was also really fun.

I'm not sure what really happened with my muse, but I went from avidly writing to having it just dry up. I spent a lot of time between then and now, mostly casually touching upon my gender whenever the dysphoria got too much. Things changed for me in 2020. I guess they changed for a lot of us, really, not a banner year as it were. Yet, in the heart of all that has been happening, I have found a reason for joy. A friend of mine came out as transgender and she's been about, I guess 2 years now, on her journey with HRT. She looks so alive, so happy and I could not stop thinking about her.

I was really fortunate, she and I managed to get together for lunch just before everything went into lock down. That hour and a half had a profound impact on my own journey. Today, I am precisely one month into my own transition. I met with my doctor, she remarked how well my body is taking to HRT, and I'm entering the next stage with double the dosage. It's really exciting, scary, and exhilarating all at the same time. The night I took those first pills, I messaged all of the people I told in my story Conversations and they were all just as amazing now as they were then.

So, why am I posting here? I think, in some ways, Big Closet was an enormous part of my gender journey and the site, Erin, and all of the people who help keep it going, read stories, and write them will have a special place in my heart for that. It feels right to let, at least some, know where I am and what I am doing, even after all this time.

Now, will I get my muse back? I dunno. I am keeping a diary though, maybe that'll loosen me up. Wish me luck.