Author:
Blog About:
| This was originally posted on my website, but given this is one of the online communities I frequent the most, I felt I needed to share it here with you.
This is really difficult for me, but it’s been a long time coming. Even posting this in the tg community, where I know I will find support, I worry about backlash, but I really need to get this off my chest. Though, I’ve confided this information to a few people to the larger tg community via personal message or email, I have kept it hidden from the community at large. So, here goes… You know when I first got involved with TG community, I was convinced my interest in tg was just that an interest and nothing more than a fetish. Even back then I was uncomfortable actually calling it a fetish, my interest never really seemed all that fetishy to be honest, but I really had no better term for it. Certainly, there is a sexual element to my stories, but it didn't define them. The more and more I delve into my own past and really explore different themes with my writing, the more and more I come to the conclusion I may actually be trans. I'd had doubts for a while, but I think they finally came to the forefront after one particular event. It happened when I felt a surge of jealousy when being helped by a pretty girl at a local eatery. She wasn't attractive enough to grace the pages of a magazine or anything, but she'd had a certain sort of girl-next-door charm to which I'd always been drawn. I remained polite to her, as these strange new feelings seethed under my calm facade. Her service was exemplary and I left a perhaps too generous of a tip, largely because I felt guilt for the uncharitable thoughts I'd sent her way. As I was leaving I found myself uttering a single sentence to the girl that shook me to my core. |
 Too bad photo filters don't work in real life...
|
"You don't know how lucky you are."
The girl seemed confused and I didn't really stick around to explain myself. I never returned, convinced, however irrationally, that she must have figured out what I'd meant.
I had an interest in tg in general at least since grade school, but I had neither a name for it nor a notion that there were others who might share said interest. I remember checking out this book in sixth grade from the school library and sneaking it home so that I could read it. It was the only book in the series that I ever touched and truth be told I was rather disappointed that it didn't explore the switch more in depth. I found the notion of becoming a girl very interesting and... I was afraid that if my mother discovered I was reading it, she would use it as ammunition against me (I didn't exactly grow up in a very happy home).
I recall dreaming that I was a girl in my early years, though most of these memories are pretty vague, I do recall having them. To this day, I only recall one of them in much detail, and even then I only remember that it involved me wearing a dress and wig to church.
The problem is, I don't really feel the level of dysphoria I've heard described by most trans-folk. Sure, I'd prefer to have been born female, but I don't I hate my male body per se, I just feel like I should be female. There seems to be a disconnect from what my body is and what it feels like it should be, but it's not a strong overpowering feeling. It's just there.
I've written a number of stories with actual trans characters, (not just characters transformed into a female, but ones who felt they should have been one to begin with) and though I haven't admitted it until now, these trans characters have really been allegorical for my own struggle to define my gender identity.
I have been speaking to a therapist on these matters, but at the moment I don't feel it's really helped me define where exactly I stand as far as being trans. Truth be told, if it came down to it I'm not really sure I'd want to transition, even if I were given the choice. I live in a very conservative area and I fear the effects such a thing would have on both my career and personal life. That being said, I've come to the conclusion that if I'm not going to be a woman in the real world, I can at least present as one online.
So as of this moment, I am no longer calling myself Daniel A. Wolfe, from this moment forward, I'd prefer you call me Daniela A. Wolfe and use female pronouns. My web address, danielawolfe.com actually works pretty well with the new shift, though I do need to do a little feminine flair in light of this change. Certainly my site logo and description need a little updating, but I think I may actually throw in a splash of pink to the site design to celebrate.
I don't know where this journey will take me, but I hope I'm on the right path.
As always have a delightfully demented night,
Daniela A. Wolfe
Comments
Hello, Daniella
I'm so glad you posted this. I have felt very much as you seem to have, and I really thought I was alone. I'm so glad that I'm not. But even more than that, I am so happy that you have examined your own feelings and needs and have been brave enough to share them with the rest of us. You really are an inspiration.
((((XOXOXO))))
Limbo's Mistress (aka Samantha)
"All that we see or seem, Is but a dream within a dream." Edgar Allen Poe
Thanks!
Thanks, but I'm just trying to make sense of my life. I wish I had the courage to come out in the real world, but perhaps someday I'll work my way up to it!
Have delightfully devious day,
Welcome, Daniela
Dysphoria isn't all or nothing; there are grades.
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Thank you
Thank you Erin, it means a lot!
Have delightfully devious day,
congrats on having the courage to share that
huggles
Thanks!
Thanks!
Have delightfully devious day,
journey
May you find yourself at home in the end.
Thank you
Thank you so much!
Have delightfully devious day,
Find your comfort zone
Like Erin said, lots of options.
My partner is non-op and doesn’t need gender confirming surgery but had to have hormones.
I took 10 years after going full time before opting for it because finally the incongruity made no sense anymore.
Find your place but be prepared to understand that the older one gets typically the results of transition may not be as good when one is younger, especially when it comes to hormones.
The critical thing will always be to try, push your gender boundaries to see how far you want to go and then be content in your choice.
Thank you!
I know that, and I understand, but I'm just barely admiting this to myself. I'm taking it slow right now. Maybe in the future I'll have the courage to take the step and transition, but I don't want to rush into anything. I'm just barely coming to terms with it myself. Thank you for sharing, I appreciate it!
Have delightfully devious day,
It is not an easy thing.......
To face yourself - nor is it easy to admit to others, let alone yourself, that you just might not be the person you have been told you were for your entire life.
I spent decades denying it, hiding behind a masculine facade I had created. I buried my true self so deeply that when I finally faced up to the truth, I was terribly afraid that she would not be there anymore - that perhaps I had killed her.
But the longer I live as myself, the more I realize that this is truly the real me. Yes, I still have dark days and nights, and yes, I still suffer from depression occasionally, but all in all my life has improved by leaps and bounds. I will never be wholly who I was meant to be, I will never see that young woman I should have been when I look into the mirror - but I get closer every day.
People ask me if I am happy, and I guess the answer is that I am happier. Will I ever be truly happy? Who knows? But I am much better than I was before.
I hope that you find yourself as I have, and I hope that you find some contentment in your life. Perhaps even the happiness that we all hope for.
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
Thank you, and I'm glad to
Thank you, and I'm glad to know you've found a measure of happiness!
Have delightfully devious day,
Welcome
Hi Daniela,
Welcome to the late bloomers club. You wrote: "The problem is, I don't really feel the level of dysphoria... I don't I hate my male body per se." There you have it, the story of my life. I spent decades saying "I'm just a cross-dresser." I relegated myself to a kind of second class citizen of the trans community. I embraced the Tri-Ess model. I'm married, have children and I'm certainly no sissy. I enjoy hunting, fishing, camping and backpacking. I was a woodsman's woodsman. I'm a pretty fair mechanic, and carpenter.
On the other hand, I sew, cook and have an artistic bent. While I enjoy a good action flick, I equally enjoy chic flick. Add to that, that I've been exploring feminine clothes since I was nine. Aside from my teen years when everything had a sexual element there's nothing sexual about it. I started before I sexual arousal reared its ugly head and continued after I experienced regular sexual encounters... all totally separated from cross-dressing.
I believe that "transgender" is an umbrella term, encompassing all who fall outside the gender norms. See my article, "How Trans is Trans".
There's an old joke that goes like this; "What's the difference between a transvestite and a transsexual? ... About two years." Of course, "transvestite" is now a pejorative term, PC requires it be replaced with "cross-dresser". "Transsexual" seems to be headed that way a well. I'm not sure what the term to replace it is. I take exception to the trend about twenty or thirty years ago of Transgender meaning transsexual. While a transsexual is transgender, a transgender isn't necessarily transsexual. At any rate, the "two years" in the joke is subjective. But it seems that all of us, at least the ones who have gotten past the sexual stimulation stage of cross-dressing, are on a track that leads us to the realization that we aren't "just" cross-dressers. That there's something more profound going on in our psyche.
For me, it took until I was approaching retirement to realize that my feminine side was really the dominate side to my personality and that in reality, I was uncomfortable when I wasn't expressing it in some fashion or another. I should have had a clue when in my mid-thirties, I gave up wearing men's underwear in favor of panties, followed closely by giving up pajamas in favor of nightgowns... or perhaps fifties when I began acquiring women's clothes that were butch enough I could get away with wearing them even at church functions; or maybe in my sixties when those butch clothes totally replaced any actual men's clothes that I wore with any regularity. But no, when I began planning my retirement I when began thinking that I could wear my more feminine tops and even dresses or skirts any day I wanted and I could keep them on all day that I examined my life and admitted to myself that I really wanted breasts since I was forty.
To that end, I finally asked my doctor for a prescription for estrogen and got a referral to the "Gender Path Ways" clinic at Kaiser. So here I am at 75 three years into HRT and two years into electrolysis.
Any yet, like you, I've never really felt the level of gender dysphoria that others have expressed. It's never even come close to the "transition or die" level that I've heard other express.
If I can ever get the money together to afford it, I may get breast augmentation... my HRT isn't doing the job due to my age, but bottom surgery is out of the question. That portion of my anatomy has given me a lot of pleasure, and my wife, as understanding as she is, isn't ready to embrace life as a lesbian.
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin eine Mann
It sounds like you've had
It sounds like you've had quite the journey to find yourself, thank you for sharing and the words of encouragement.
Have delightfully devious day,
Being Daniela
It feels right though, doesn't it?
And IMO whether you transition or not
doesn't make you any more or less of a girl.
It's something inside, how we feel about ourselves
and the world. And there are those who will insist that who
we are isn't real, that we have to be who THEY want us to be...
not out of any concern for us but just to make them comfortable
in their rigid little fearful worldview. But eventually we come to know better.
You're brave and awesome Daniela, and I'm proud to call you my sister.
~hugs, Veronica
We now return to our regular programming:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTl00248Z48
.
Thank you
It does feel right, and thank you for the kind words. It's a good feeling receiving so much acceptance.
Have delightfully devious day,
The Trans Spectrum
Thank you for posting this Daniela.
It is interesting for me because I write stories about people who progress along the spectrum, and it seems that is what you are doing.
For me, I have known that I was female inside from a very young age, but I suppressed it and became the manliest man I could be.
Then I left my small city and went to a big city and tried transition. It was probably a disaster, but it was also fun in a way.
Anyway, I found that it would not work for me, so I now do not present as female in public.
A few years ago I found a way to express it, which is the opposite of suppression. I write.
I am happy to be who I am. I wish I had been born a woman, but that wish does not consume me as it does others.
I just hope that you find a way to be happy.
Maryanne
Thank you, I'm glad you found
Thank you, I'm glad you found an outlet. In many ways, looking back I suppose my writing has been a bit of an outlet for me too.
Have delightfully devious day,
Welcome to my world
I came out in my late 30's early 40's with baby steps. I'm now 72 yrs young and living my life as I wish. FAMILY BE DAMNED! The only ones who don't know are the religious side of the bunch. Do what makes you happy.
It may
It may come to that, but for now I'm still trying to wrap my head around what this means for me. I'm just not rushing into anything.
Have delightfully devious day,