Chapter 10: Confessions

Tuesday Jonathan is flipping through a copy of “Scientific America” in Sheila’s waiting room when her office door opens. “Jonathan good to see you. C’mon in… Before we get into anything, first how are you doing?”

”Pretty well.”

“And the new house?”

“It's nice. An adjustment but I'm not feeling crushed by memories like at home.”

“And the girl? It’s been a couple of months. How are things on that front?”

“She is great! We spend all our time together. I really like her.”

Sheila notes the grin on his face, then cocks her head and coyly asks, “Like her or LIKE her?” The boy turns crimson. It's all the answer she needs. “Okay Jonathan, I think you have taken some great steps, the new school, the new house, the girlfriend… I think it's time you took one more. Do you think you’re ready? I do.”

“Well if you say so Doc. What is it?”

“I think it's time you confide in someone other than me. I want you to tell your girlfriend about the accident.” She can see him tighten up, “Now wait, not all the details.” (‘That would be too much to hope for.’) she thinks. “Just the Reader’s Digest version. And Jonathan? That will need to include what happened to your parents.” The boy is silent. She waits, knowing he is thinking … processing. It's one of his strengths. He rarely makes rash un-thought-out decisions. His parents were the same way. That's why she chose their firm to represent her practice. She often does work for the firm as a counselor or expert witness. It’s how Jonathan ended up her patient. In fact, she had insisted on taking his case.

After several minutes of silence she pushes... Just a nudge. “Jonathan, I can see you really like this girl. Maybe more than you realize. Doesn't she deserve your honesty?”

“Yes Dr. Michaels. She does deserve honesty. But how?”

Sheila thinks “Good! He processed it. Made the decision to go ahead. Now it's all about logistics for him… the 'How?’.”

“Why don't you let me stew on that for you? How about you come in tomorrow and we can discuss it? Two o’clock sharp. No earlier. I have other patients who, like you, need their privacy. Okay?” The boy nods his understanding. “Good. For now let's talk about what you would say? Just in general.” She fills the rest of the session with getting Jonathan focused on the scope of what he will say. She knows he’ll fill in the details on his own when the moment comes. After he leaves she falls back onto the couch and blows out a huge breath. Tomorrow is a huge gamble for both of her two favorite patients. She prays it will pay off just as big.

…..

The next day at 1:00 Shelby and Mary sit in the waiting room for her regular appointment.
Dr. Michaels keeps them waiting an extra thirty minutes. She wants Shelby a little off-balance today. It makes it easier to move her in those directions she doesn’t like to go. Sheila’s learned the best way to tilt Shelby is to try her patience. Today should be no different.

“Geesh mom! What’s taking sooo long. I want to get back to school. Jonny will wonder where I’m at. God knows I don’t want to explain this to him!”

“Patience. She’s just running late.”

“Yeah, what-ev. I just really don’t like all this waiting. It gets my agenda all jumbled up and I don’t think straight.”

Mary thinks ‘Perfect. She’s ready.’ Then taps out a quick text.

“Hi Shelby! C’mon in. Sorry for the delay today. So. How are tricks? “

“What? Oh. Except for running late. Pretty good Doc. How’s um… tricks with you.”

Sheila thinks, ‘OK. She's off balance, but still in a good mood. I can work with her, push her today.’

“Shelby, today I'd like you to tell me more about this boy you have been talking to. How are things going with him?”

“Dr. Michaels, it's just wonderful! I can't explain it. He just accepts me,... for me.”

“Does this mean you've told him about your condition?”

“Well not exactly but I think he knows, after the thing at school I can't see how he doesn't. But then... he gave no sign that he even noticed.” Shelby feels like swooning at her thoughts of him, “Oh Sheila he’s sweet and sincere. Calm and strong. When I'm with him I feel safe, secure. Like when my dad is around but in a different, more intimate boy-meets-girl way. And he listens! He actually pays attention to what I say and doesn't ever criticize. When we talk I feel like I'm his equal. What I say matters to him. Last week he even defended me when some boys were bullying me in the hall. He dropped the leader in his tracks. I think Jason even peed himself a little. None of them have come near me, much less laid a hand on me, since.”

“Wait. What? They touched you? Shelby. Tell me what happened.”

Shelby relates the incident in the hall with the gang of six and Jonathan's actions, how some of the other students helped her and how Jonathan chastised one of the popular girls that regardless of what some may think, nobody deserves to be assaulted. Ever. She goes on saying that now the other kids treat her better. With Jonathan's help she has begun to put the whole thing behind her.

Shelby finishes saying, “You know Doc, some kids think he can be aloof. But that's not it. Is he quiet and solitary? Yes. But I think it's because he’s hurting inside and maybe I'm the only one who sees it. Sometimes when I watch him I feel like he is so alone. I mean REALLY alone. I know how that feels.”

Dr. Michaels leans over and puts a hand on her patient’s knee, “Shelby are you sure you are OK?”

“Yeah, I guess so. Sometimes it bothers me but I have to move forward. And I know now that there will always be people that hate me for what I am. That I'll have to be more careful and protect myself. Jonathan has been teaching me how to be more aware of my surroundings. To trust my feelings and instincts.”

Sheila has to make a decision. Should she delay her plan and focus on what happened to Shelby or go forward? She decides to go for it. The other issue she can deal with later, if needed.

“And what of his feelings? Have you thought about if he really knows and understands your condition? Don't you think he needs to hear it from you, directly and honestly? Without being cryptic?”

“I guess you're right Doc. But how do I go about it?”

“Well that depends on you. Let's get Mary in here and see what she thinks, okay?”

“Yeah let's do that. Mom has great ideas”

“Mary? Can you come in? Shelby and I need your help.” Sheila has already discussed her plan with Mary, (and Aaron).

After thirty minutes of discussion the three women settle on a plan for how Shelby will tell her boyfriend about her 'condition’. Sheila concludes with “Well we have a plan on the how. Now we just have to decide on the when and where?”

Shelby feeling cocky, takes the bait and smarts off, “I’m ready here and now. Oh! Too bad Jonathan isn’t here. I guess it will just have to wait. Ho-Hum.”

“Shelby, do you REALLY mean that?”

“Of course I do. I'm no coward. I'd do it.”

Sheila stands up, “Well ok then.” She quickly steps to the door and opens it a bit. “I'm so glad you could make it. C'mon in.”

When she opens the door fully, the two teens are face to face across the room…

“H-Hi Bee.” The boy obviously startled stares across the space at the girl.

“H-hey Jonny,” she turns to Sheila. “But how?”

“Shelby, I thought by now you'd have figured out, I'm an amazing Psychiatrist.”

“You're not going to tell me are you?”

“Not a chance. Jonathan? Why don't you have a seat next to Shelby.” She smiles at the boy then looks to Shelby. “Jonathan has something to discuss with you.”

“With me?”

Sheila answers, satisfied her patients are sufficiently off balance. “Yes Bee. With you. Go ahead Jonathan.”

With a deep breath, his nervousness shows as Jonathan begins softly, “Almost a year ago I was driving my parents to the airport. We were returning from a ski trip in Vermont. T-They had bought me an early Christmas present. A new snowboard. We had gone up to try it out and so they could spend some time on the trails they skied when they first met.” He takes another long breath to help keep it together, then looks to Sheila for support. She nods for him to go on.

“O-on the way home there was an accident. A really bad one. The car… it was crushed. I was rendered unconscious. When I awoke in the hospital there were tubes running out of my chest, my side, my nose, my bladder. I could barely see out of one eye… Alone. I was so alone... No-nobody from the firm had arrived. I’m not even sure they knew at that point.” He pauses and momentarily closes his eyes, tears start to flow from the corners. Shelby takes his hand in hers. Another deep breath and he continues, “It was just me, the doctors, the nurses, and the... I was told I was going to live but... mom and dad… they...didn’t. She said…“ His voice trails off. Sheila notes whatever he was going to say goes unfinished. He begins again. “It was at that moment I understood... I really was all alone.” His voice cracks with emotion.

Sheila can see her friend Mary is doing all she can to keep her best ‘Doctor face’ but is struggling. She thinks, ‘Good, like her daughter, Mary is invested in the boy.’ She sees Jonathan squeezing Shelby’s hand tightly, it’s a good sign, and shows the bond she suspected between these two exists and is strengthening.

The boy gathers himself again and continues. “I’m an only child. There are no grandparents, no aunts, no uncle's. Not even god parents. Now…. it's just me. There is a trust I live on that’s managed by the firm. Because of it and efforts by Mr. Stanley at the firm, I was emancipated, but with supervision. Dr. Michaels and my sessions with her are part of the requirements of that supervision.” He takes the girl’s other hand in his and looks directly into her eyes, “Shelby to put it simply, I'm alone and I’m broken. But, with Dr. Michaels’ help, I'm fixing myself. Right now my only wish is after knowing all this you'll still have me. I’ll understand if you don’t.”

Shelby staers at Jonathan with a look of incomprehension, then gently chastises him “Why would I not want you? Broken or not you're still the same boy I fell for…” Then more forcefully, “So shut up about being alone. You have me! And my parents!” She pulls him in close. The boy relaxes in her arms.

The two doctors look on silently. One surprised, both moved, by the boy’s confession. Both proud of the girl's strength in her support of him.

After a few minutes Dr. Michaels gently pushes… “Shelby? Isn’t it time you shared with Jonathan? I seem to recall you saying you were ready just a few minutes ago.”

Shelby wipes the tears that have gathered in the corners of her eyes, “What? Now? You can’t be serious? We just had a breakthrough here? I don’t want to steal Jonny’s moment.”

“Shelby you said you were ready.”

“I’m fine Shelby. And feeling a little silly here. I’m a guy in a room with three women, and the one crying is me. It’s not very manly. Think you can help a fella out?”

Shelby punches him in the arm, “Hey it’s not my fault you’re acting like a wuss.” She winks at him, “But I’ll see what I can do.”

“Okay tough-gal, how about you get to it and let me be the judge of who’s a wuss.” Sheila glances at Mary who holds up crossed fingers.

“Well I’m not sure where to begin…” She takes a deep breath, stands, the carefully crafted plan forgotten, “OK, Jonny you know I like you right? I mean I REALLY LIKE you. Okay?”, Jonathan nods, “ Okay good. And I hope you, REALLY LIKE me. About what I’m going to say, I don’t want it to come between us. I mean I think we have something nice and special and I don’t want to lose it….”

“Okay Shelby, I’m listening…”

“Okay, you know how the G.O.P. is always picking on me? Always calling me a freak, and… “

It’s Shelby’s voice’s turn to crack,

“ a-a faggot and worse things? And how that day on the bench I said I wasn’t like other girls, that I-I’m different?” He nods again, “Well it’s true. I am different, and some of the kids at school suspect. Some even remember a time when I didn’t look like this. You see Jonathan, back in grade school I was different. Different than I am now. It was around fourth grade that my mom first started bringing me to counseling. She suspected something. She had seen it in my behavior ever since I was little. How I liked dolls, and dresses and playing with her make-up, and being clean and pretty. That I wasn’t interested in trucks or baseball or mud-puddles. I didn’t want to climb the jungle gym. I wanted an easy-bake oven, I wanted to go shopping and to try on dresses and shoes. Do you see what I’m saying?”

“Shelby. There is nothing wrong with any of those things…”

“Jonny, I was born a boy! I’m transgender!”

“Oh!” Jonathan’s face reveals nothing. He continues to sit motionless.

“Please, I realize it’s a shock.” Her tears begin to flow, “Jonny I don’t want you to hate me.” She has been pacing throughout her confession but now she stops and faces the young man sitting on the couch. The moments tick by and neither teen move, they just stare at one another.

Finally she can take it no longer, “Dammit Jonathan! Say something or leave!”

After an eternity to the three women he stands up, glances at Dr. Michaels and Dr. Curtis then steps to Shelby who is openly crying with her hands and lips trembling. Looking straight into her eyes, with a finger he brushes away the tears while taking her hand in his.

“All I see in this room are two mature attractive women, and one very beautiful, intelligent, desirable young lady with a wonderful heart. Shelby, what you were physically born as, is nothing more than physiology. You knew at an early age who you were, as did your mother. You both are taking the steps needed to ensure you can live a happy life, being true to who you are. That there are those too simple minded to see you for your true self is sad, yes. But you are not alone in facing them. Almost from the moment we met, I realized you would be important to me. And when you said you were different, I knew it would be the difference that made you so special. It didn’t deter my desire, or my need to know you, stand with you, walk with you, and to be with you. From my perspective, I’m lucky, in that the only boy in this room is me.”

“B-But I’m still a boy in part, I-I don’t know if Dr. Michaels will endorse me to get SRS, or if I’ll even go through with it if she does. There are risks.”

Without warning the boy places his hands on either side of her face and kisses her, deeply, completely. Once he breaks the kiss she is in a fog, through it she hears, “Shelby, I don’t care what is between your legs. No matter what you decide, I’ll adapt. It’s you, ALL of you, Shelby Curtis who I want to be with.”

It's Shelby's turn to be held now and she does so willingly, happily. The two teens clutch in the middle of Dr. Michaels office, very much a couple.

v/r
JM