Short Stories inspired by the music of Tales of Us by the group Goldfrapp
Can't Wait Forever
I felt it come – a blade of autumn alive
The amber shapes of sunset dance on the wall
I step outside – no boat, no sign of you there
In the endlessness, two worlds looking back at me now
Upper East Side, New York City...
“Cheri? You come to bed?” Sabine patted the pillows next to hers and waved playfully. Her roommate was silent, just as she had been most of the night.
“Please? It will be alright,” Sabine said. The girl remained seated at the desk near the bedroom door. Sabine rose from the bed and walked to the girl; almost a cowering.
“Ma douce belle…. Catherine? I love you!” The girl swiveled in the chair. Sabine saw that the girl had begun to cry. She grabbed Catherine’s hands in hers; lifting the girl to her feet. Carefully, she guided Catherine to the bed.
“Let me love you, bebe?” Sabine lowered the girl onto the bad. She gently brushed the gold silk peignoir aside and touched the girl’s right breast; the slight scrape of fingernails through her camisole against her elfin nipple sent a start through Catherine’s body. The girl began to weep in shame.
“No…please don’t,” Catherine sobbed as she turned her face away.
“Non. Ma petite belle….” The woman touched Catherine’s cheek and softly pulled her face back.
“Please?” The girl pleaded with Sabine. It wasn’t so much that the woman ignored her as instead listening intently but with a mind to persuade Catherine,
“Is it this, in bien aime?” Sabine reached under the neckline of the camisole and pinched the girl’s tiny breast; once again evoking a start and even more, near hysterical tears.
“Or this?” Sabine placed her other hand gently on the barely-hidden bulge beneath the satiny crotch of the tap pants. What had been near hysterical weeping gave way to confused, stammering sobs as the girl tried futilely to climb out from under the ebony figure who continued to insist if in an almost angelic ministration.
“No, Catherine. We love. You and I…WE love. I love you so much.” Sabine caressed the girl beneath her; attentive and yet tentative. The girl continued to weep.
“Nothing can push us aside, ma belle Catherine. You have wanted this all your life. And I have sought you all of mine. Let us be one, the woman said; her own tears falling onto Catherine’s face and neck… cleansing… healing…
“Please?” No longer sobbing, Catherine’s tears were ones of someone who finally felt real…. A worth never before realized altered their equation slightly as the girl felt equal in a way to the calling her best friend had placed gently on her head like a crown. Sabine pulled the tap pants down and straddled the girl. Lowering herself, Sabine settled in; uniting the two.
No longer just best friends. No longer two separate souls. Not even girlfriend and boyfriend, but two brides instead. Sabine had loved when her lover was Carlo, but now was madly in love… éperdument amoureuxeuse…..with Catherine. Sabine had waited all her life and she knew neither heart could wait forever. She kissed Catherine and fell into her; quietly whispering over and over,
Ma précieuse épouse…. Ma précieuse belle épouse….
Oh, I've never seen the winter lights on the lake
I want to swim your silk-black skin to the floor
On lava moons, a song of hooves playing loud
The day you came, they took your name, they renounced;
Took your right, your life – your heart can't wait forever
Words sail
Out into the wind
Their meaning
Taken by time
Binghamton, New York, 1998…
“Keep the fuck away from my sister,” the kid said as he punched Amy; the blow glancing off her temple as her glasses flew off and over the bridge railing to the water below. She went to stand up but the kid hit her on the left ear; sending her sprawling.
“Eric? Would you just stop,” his sister Autumn screamed. She went to step past her brother but he grabbed her hand; spinning her around.
“No! This … fuck…. Just…..” He stammered; finally settling for a mean glare cast at Amy until he dragged Autumn down the road in protest. Amy struggled to sit up and ended leaning with her back against the railing as blood trickled off her cheek from the split lip she got when her face hit the pavement.
“All I want to do is live…” Her plaint trailed off; replaced by all too familiar sobs. One of the kids from the next block over from her house stopped long enough to shake his head. Three more kids passed by until a slight-looking boy from school offered her a hand up. She nodded nervously as she wiped the last remaining tears from her face with her jacket sleeve; removing for the most part the two streaks of runny mascara as well.
“I’m….I’m sorry,” the boy said weakly. While he was nowhere near them when Eric hit her, he still felt guilty.
“I shoulda said something yesterday when he went off on you.”
“Thanks …but he just would have beat you down. I… I don’t care….I…” The boy meant well, but Amy still felt vulnerable.
“You…. Why do you dress that way? It’s like….”
“Like I’m asking for it? Thanks….” She didn’t even have the strength to be sarcastic. She turned away and leaned against the railing; standing tiptoe.
“What the fuck,” the boy said loudly as he grabbed her arm. She turned around to face him; her eyes brimming with tears once again.
“You thought? I was just looking to see if my glasses… we don’t have insurance….oh just forget it.” she pulled her arm free and started to run down the road toward home. As she passed the far end of the bridge, she heard the boy yell.
“See if I bother anymore. Eric was right…You are a fucking freak!” He called after her. Michael Russo actually cared about her…. He just didn’t see his sister the way she saw herself.
And just like that, Amy went away. A departure that would provide only marginal relief from one pain while compounding the pain and sadness of being the boy everyone expected her, to be. So Amy Russo left; replaced once again by Anthony Russo. Her family…. Her classmates…. Everyone would welcome the reasonable, sane, and altogether depressed Tony Russo; recently returned from a brief foray into authenticity….. Amy might not have jumped off that bridge, but she would spend a lifetime in hiding while Tony would spend more than just a bit of time jumping in front of peril.
Binghamton, New York, Lourdes Hospital, 2011…
A beauty
In uncertainty
We fought them
On great white sand
Tony plopped down in the metal chair in the make-shift sanctuary in the corner of the locker room; closing his eyes in exhaustion after the second of two double shifts that week. He leaned back against the wall until a voice interrupted his rest. He turned to find a familiar figure propped against a locker.
“A very wise man once told me that if you keep it up that pace, it will catch up to you.” The man smiled; a mixture between wry and dread. Tony smiled back; offering a reluctant acknowledgment of his best friend’s word.
“You see your therapist this week?” Jimmy Chen tilted his head in hopeful anticipation. Tony nodded but turned away.
“You do know that work can only keep the pain away for so long…..”
“Yes,” the voice was different than what either of them could recall, which evoked a contented sigh from Jimmy.
“It… it doesn’t…. nothing but reality can,” Tony replied. The irony of the moment wasn’t lost on Jimmy, who eyed his friend up and down.
“Nothing succeeds better than success, right? Nothing but life makes life better?” His quip pulled a soft laugh from Tony. Changes went beyond the obvious, leaving Jimmy’s best friend willingly vulnerable.
“You …. You tell her yet?” Jimmy stood up and walked over; pulling Tony to his feet.
“Connie and I …. We want to be with you when you tell her.” Jimmy patted Tony’s back; awkward more for his friend, since he believed in Tony.
“I….uh……”
“We’re here for you....both. And Autumn loves you, “Jimmy shrugged and smiled, Years out of touch almost swept away by chance when Tony reconnected with his childhood sweetheart.
“I….I couldn’t bear it Jim….if she?” Tony turned his gaze downward…..
Previously, at the office of Alison Devereaux, LPC
It’s important,” the kind woman said in a soothing near-whisper; that tone that says, shhhh… it’s going to be alright? The younger woman winced in nervous anticipation,
“I can’t,” she said as she closed her eyes nonetheless.
“Go ahead…. See your safe place? What was it?” Alison knew exactly what her client’s safe place was; having discussed it at length only two weeks earlier.
“No one can harm you, right? Not your Dad or your brother. And what did you say last time?”
"I can be me.” The woman smiled weakly but the light in her eyes seemed much more intense. The long-departed dog licked her hands; back and forth as if he was still alive. She sat peacefully; as if the rocking chair actually did still exist. The bedroom window might not actually have been off to her left but the soft breeze and the window were as real as they could be; gentle reminders that not all of her childhood was bad.
“I’m so afraid, Alison? I’m not even sure she’ll still like me. And now this?”
Even as the young woman cast her visage downward in shame, she came back to the present. Her best friend was still standing beside her; arms enfolding her like an eagle protecting her young. Odd that someone as young and even fatherly would be like a mother to him.
“You’re here to stay and I really believe Autumn will be as well. You’ve come so far. thirteen…. THIRTEEN months sober and you’re finally you.” While her other self was still very much a part of her, she finally had returned…at least at home. But today was the first day since her teens that Amy Lynn Russo ventured into Tony’s world. Finally taking care of herself because all of her was worth the care.
“Saturday, our place.” Jimmy patted Amy/Tony on the back once more. And while there was a time when Tony would not have dared to be real, Amy dare not…
Jimmy and Connie Chen’s home that at Saturday…
Connie sat on the couch in the family room next to a reasonably composed-looking woman. Jimmy walked in from the kitchen and sat down in one of the chairs across from the two after moving a brown stuffed toy bear.
“You want?” He held up the bear and Amy nodded. It might have seemed patronizing, but the bear had done two tours in Afghanistan, and was a part of Jimmy’s and Tony’s survival; being passed back and forth for years. Jimmy resisted the temptation to toss the bear, and instead stood up and handed the bear to Amy. She cradled the bear in her arms like a mother receiving a new-born.
Jimmy leaned closer and did something brand-new. Connie nodded in agreement as Jimmy kissed his best friend’s cheek; an outward sign of the brother-to-sister relationship they shared from the moment Tony had confessed to Jimmy about the person who was now emerging. Amy looked up into Jimmy’s eyes, and that reality of life once again reminded her that even though her family abandoned her in a way and she might have abandoned herself; here and now she had a family that loved her.
The love withheld by her brother and his family now fulfilled by Jimmy and Connie. And their two girls were truly her nieces. Iris and Mei loved 'Uncle' Tony, and now welcomed their brand new but there-all-along Gūjè Amy. She turned to Connie and bit her lip as her eyes welled with tears. Connie pulled her into a hug as she wept in relief.
Your deep seeing eyes
Ancient stars
We wanted only to love
How will I find you again?
Fate or chance
A short while later…
Iris sat on the couch; holding Amy’s hand; deftly applying a second coat of pink in Amy’s first-ever gift of nail polish. The teen in both of them giggled at the moment; made even more light-hearted as Mei sat in the floor as she carefully repeated her sister’s art with Gūjè Amy’s toes. The doorbell rang.
”Ladies? I’m just taking dinner out of the oven. Would one of you get the door?” Mei stood up.
“Got it. Mom” She walked quickly to the door and opened it. A woman about her parent’s age stood nervously on the landing. Pretty, but with an almost sad look about her.
“Hi. I think I’m at the right place? The Chen home?” Her tone was almost apologetic. Amy went to stand up but her body refused to cooperate. Alice squeezed her arm in encouragement as Mei ushered their guest into the family room. Autumn’s and Amy’s gazes met. The emotion of the moment proved too much and Amy put her hand up; covering her face even as she bowed her head in shame. A second late she felt the soft touch if a hand to her chin.
“Tony?” The name would have almost been intrusive but for the following words; accompanied by the same gentle hand urging Amy to look up.
“No….Amy. It’s you…. You came back. You came back.”
Autumn knelt in front of Amy and rested her head against Amy’s knees; sobbing. Iris pulled back and stood up; her hand reluctantly pulling away. She turned and saw her parents holding each other as their tears seemed to participate n the moment. She turned to Mei and then back to her parents in question; her eyes already seeing the answer as Jimmy nodded and smiled.
Your deep seeing eyes
Ancient stars
You are wonderful light
My only love
Sleep well
Good night
“Would you like some tea?” Mei spoke as Alice held the tray. Amy nodded, accepting two cups for her and Autumn. Dinner had come and gone with them spent from crying the past two hours. Autumn nodded and smiled.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome…. What may we call you? We call her…” Iris turned toward Amy.
“She’s Gūjè Amy…Aunt Amy.”
“Would you be okay if I….” Autumn’s face grew red and she put her head down.
“Gūjè? Oh please? Gūjè Amy has… she told us about you… when we were younger.” Mei said; almost singing. Alice nodded enthusiastically and added.
“We… it’s like you already are family…. Gūjè… Autumn?”
“Oh…” was all Autumn could manage before she buried her face against Amy’s shoulder.
“I’m… we’re sorry. Did we say something wrong?” Mei asked. Amy shook her head gently from side to side before smiling.
“No, honey… it was just right.”
“Mom?” Mei rubbed Connie’s arm and continued.
“We’re going to go…” The girls left the room.
“You…. You went away,” Autumn placed her hand on Amy’s arm; evoking a gasp.
“You… you never had a chance,“ Autumn continued. Visions mixed with mind’s eye sights and daymares as Amy recalled the teasing and rejection,
“I… I could never please Daddy…. So I became Tony for him. Mommy was already sick….”
“And I was gone already,” Autumn interjected.
“I tried to call you but your brother wouldn’t….” Amy bit her lip; reliving the disappointment.
“Even if he knew, he wouldn’t tell you, but he blamed you for me leaving…. I ended up in Florida… I…. I met someone. Your Dad said you enlisted and by then Tish and I….” Autumn lowered her head but continued.
“It was good at first, but she was controlling and my head was already fucked up. After the last….I ended up in a shelter….” Tears spilled freely but she continued.
“I ended up in and out of rehab, but eventually it stuck. I got my degree on-line and got accepted into the public health nursing master’s program at Cornell. We’re so much alike. It took a shaking up, but I guess someone was looking out for both of us.”
“I’m…I’m so sorry I…I hurt you. I let you down….” Amy said sadly, evoking a gasp from Autumns. She answered.
“All I ever wanted was to love you. It got taken away.” Autumn looked down. At Autumn’s words, Amy’s face reddened in shame; feeling once again responsible for the choices of others.
“No…You didn’t…. Amy was stripped from OUR lives….” Autumn shook her head furiously, as if she was still sixteen arguing with her mother on behalf of the boy only she knew was a girl. Amy sighed and spoke.
“I… I didn’t realize until I came home for Mommy’s funeral how much I hated myself…. That I gave up on me. By then Daddy had softened… He was thinking a lot about us and just couldn’t say the words, but I knew when he told me how much I reminded him of Mommy. And the only time…. He said, ‘I love you, s….’ but never spoke that last word. He…He died just before I was coming home on my last tour.” Amy gasped again.
“I wanted so much to die until then. But when I got back, it was like a… like I finally realized only I could give myself permission to be Amy….”
“I never saw you as anyone but her, even if in my mind you were Tony with an i,” Autumn laughed softly,
“But I realized I didn’t need you,” she added; evoking a gasp from Amy. Autumn leaded close and grabbed Amy’s face Kissing her gently, she pulled back and stared into tear-filled eyes that mirrored her own.
“Higher power, you know? I had to change with no one’s help but with everybody’s help including….” Autumn pointed upward and Amy nodded with a smile as she spoke.
“Me, too. I thought I needed you, but it was never that but so much more, I love you so more than I ever needed you,” she said haltingly.
“You…you love me? Still?” Amy began to sob until she felt the gentle touch of lips on her cheek as Autumn blessed her with kisses of devotion that transcended fear and doubt.
Jimmy and Connie had been silent witnesses along with Mei and Iris. The girls waved in beckon to their parents and in a few seconds all four of the Chens had crept quietly from the room, leaving Gūjè Amy and Gūjè Autumn cooing in unison on the couch.
United Church of Christ, Binghamton, New York, several months later….
Two ministers stood before the congregation and two very nervous women, along with two teenage girls who stood on either side of the brides,
“Who gives these two in marriage?” the woman minister asked. Connie and Jimmy stepped forward.
“We do!” Amy reached over and grasped Autumn’s hand as each maiden of honor accepted a bouquet in exchange for a ring. Words were read carefully off cards, but neither would remember later just exactly what they said. All they could recall with confidence were the words ‘you may now…’ as everything else proceeded in a happy blur…
Later that night...
Two figures lay dreamily content, perhaps confident for the first time in ages that they would indeed love, breathe, and sleep well….
hanging there behind the trees
a blood red moon is watching
I was waiting for you with dread in my heart
The girl looked over her shoulder in dread; an unidentified fear over some peril… but she felt strangely safe; leaving her to wonder where that peril lie….
Somewhere else…
A lone figure ran down the tracks; narrowed to one path and flanked on both sides with tall chain-link fences. As hurried as her pace was, her pursuers took their time as they kept chase of the terrified girl. She stumbled; the fourth time since she left the road as she sought some place to hide. Even at their slow pace, they were on her before she had a chance to rise. Her only solace was that she was finally whom she had hoped to be, and her God would greet her with sad eyes but open arms….
Lincoln Park, New Jersey, Saturday morning….
Tyler walked into the kitchen and found his sister bent over their mom. Heather turned to face him and she grimaced through tears. He shook his head and shrugged in question.
“Ty……” she stammered; the words caught inside as if to speak would make the reality more painfully true. Margaret squeezed her daughter’s hand and motioned for Tyler to come close. She had been crying as well. but it was now time to comfort her children. She held up the morning paper and bit he lip as tears fell freely. Tyler stepped close and took the paper from his mother’s hands with dread. He stared at the headline for a moment before falling to the floor against the cabinet.
The following Tuesday….
The woman smiled; a mixture of blessing and gratitude in the midst of overwhelming sadness.
“Jo was a sweet child. I know this sounds almost sacrilegious, but I have to speak my mind and my heart.... I am so angry with God. I want her back. I want her mother and father holding her tight and safe. I want to look up and see her smiling face. I cannot explain this. I cannot make this better. All I can do in the center of this hurt is say that I loved Jo as if she was my own. And I know that no hate or anger or madness can tear me away from the confidence that God loves Jo more than I can imagine. " She paused; surveying the people; friends, family and flack.
"But I know that God loves me enough to understand how angry I am. And loves us all to hold us through each others’ hearts and hands. My hope as a pastor is that we can strengthen each other and love each other – it/s all I can do, but it can be the beginning of our healing. And that more than ever, we can be the sanctuary for girls and boys like Jo. A place of safety… of nurturing… of love.”
She bit her lip; her tears mirroring those of the people she hoped to shepherd. She held out her hand in summons and two teens walked to the front of the church.
“My cousin…. I loved my….” Heather stammered. The figure beside her was at first terrified, but she stepped next to her weeping sister and spoke.
“Jo…Jo was my hero. I … I would not be here today … She... she led the way... my way, You know me by another name, but my name…. my new name is the name I was given when I was born, even if nobody… even if .I didn’t know. My name….: “
The familiar face was as tearful as anyone there, but she also derived strength from the love they held for the girl. they all remembered
“You know me as Tyler…. And…. And in a way. I will always be Tyler, but my mom and my sis and my dad know me…My name is Grace.”
it rips through the sky a light flickers on
Jo I know you would say don't wait for me now
filigree of time demeaning sunset spoken
where the wind sings by the river ripples of black
Lincoln Park, New Jersey… sometime in the recent past
The boy walked down the tracks; stopping where he thought she might still be, in a way. Between the train traffic in the intervening months and the weather since, there was no sign she had ever been there. He felt like a fool for even trying to find where it had happened. He paused and shook his head.
“It wasn’t… she was….” Tears spilled freely as Images never seen rushed past his closed eyes. No event or happening; unspeakable evil visited Jo that day.
“I should have…” Should have what? Then where one had laid dying there would have been two? And who could have known? He knelt down; one spot being equally as horrible as any other.
“I’m….sorry, Jo,” he said aloud; the halting words barely escaping his lips. He looked down at himself.The girl known as Grace had retreated after the grass had grown over Jo’s grave, leaving a coward instead who spoke only in whispers or behind the protection of home.
“I hate myself,” he said at last; signaling a return of Grace, so to speak, since that part of him was self-loathing and lost in a way. He fell to the ground and rolled over almost instinctively; barely missing being run over by the train that had barreled around the curve; unheard. He sat up in the hollow between the rise and the hurricane fence that paralleled the track. A calming breeze seemed to replace the rush of wind that accompanied the now departed train and he relaxed.
“Grace,” he thought he heard in the rustle of the bushes that peeked through the fence. As he went to stand up his hand happened upon an object next to him; soft and dark. And leather; a faded purple. A very distressed-looking, abandoned purse. Jo’s purse. Her cousin Jo’s purse. He… she looked slightly up at the tracks where only moments before a train nearly had cut her in two. A sign? She thought she heard the voice again speak the name…her name.
“Grace…” The shame was too much to bear, and she laid down right there, weeping harder than ever….
The office of Hannah Paretti, LCSW, a few days later…
“I know you’ve worked hard. But I also know how awfully painful this past year was for you.” Hannah half-smiled as the girl leaned against the back of the couch. Moments like this were agro dolce, as her grandmother would say; the bitter mixed with the sweet, Grace had overcome so much but remained fragile if growing stronger each day.
“I hate….I just hate going there.” She stared off to her right, as if the high school was right outside Hannah’s window.
“You… how about this? Perhaps the diploma can be sent?” Hannah urged Grace to argue. If anything, Grace would be at graduation just to spite her tormentors; a very vicious if thankfully diminishing cadre of transphobes, as Grace had called them. And no help from the school either for the most part, which led to stealth, which led to more feelings of guilt.
But the painful dread came not from those few who would be at graduation but from the absence of her cousin. Grace knew that Hannah provoked her for her own good, but there’s nothing written that she had to like the insight she discovered in therapy even if it was her own.
“It’s her birthday on Saturday,” Grace said haltingly while choking back a sob even as she gained more resolve for her decision.
“So you’re going to do it?” Hannah already knew Grace would, Few if any valedictorians choose to miss their own debut, so to speak, but this would be a coming out for the ages; at least for Boonton High School….
She looked in the mirror over her dresser; the image was ethereal as the gentle specter embraced her with tentative welcome. The face over her shoulder missed her but sought no company for the time being. Just a reminder that she would not be alone in her plans. Her Mom and Dad and her sis would be in the audience and her angel would steady her at the podium. With two more in the conspiracy she was as ready as she would ever be; for her speech and beyond…
Saturday…
“Please join me in welcoming the Valedictorian of Boonton High School’s Class if 2018, Tyler Lindell.”
The man seemed a bit set aback when no one immediately appeared at the podium. A smattering of tentative applause accompanied a second and third mention of the name followed by an embarrassed silence. A second later a slight looking young lady strode with confidence to the podium. She dispensed with the traditional pleasantries; speaking carefully.
“Good afternoon.” The principal’s eyes widened in recognition as the girl waved playfully to her parents and sister before shooting a grin his way. He turned in the direction of the sound board and used a slashing gesture to cut off the girl’s speech. A tap on the shoulder by the Superintendent of Schools indicated a heretofore unexpected support, leaving him to sit down without protest.
“I want to encourage each if you not to wait a single moment to follow your dreams.” Gasps came from in front in the audience and behind her by her classmates it sank in just who this interloper was.”
“Way to go, Tyler,” a girl shouted from off to her left. Nia Phillipousis of course knew it was Grace, but saying her boy name would nudge the attendees into rapt if confused attention. Nia added to the moment with another shout.
“That’s my girlfriend!”
“My cousin quoted me some words to a song… that I think really fits here, I… some wanted me to just go away….or worse, to stay but just like they wanted to see me… like they forced Jo….” She faltered; a moment memorialized by the gasps and even sobs of her classmates. Who had also been Jo’s classmates.
“But like the lyric goes, life figures on. My Dad and Mom tried their best to help me and Jo. They did their best to help Jo’s Mom….my Mom’s sister…” A sob came from directly in front as Grace’s Aunt Alice leaned close to Margaret; weeping softly.
“I didn’t have the strength to be my parent’s daughter even after Jo died. But I was listening to the music, and I realized that she was waiting for me…. To move on. That’s my only word to you, A hero… my cousin is telling us all not to wait for even a minute.” She paused; choking back a sob. Removing her mortarboard she tipped it toward the audience, revealing the letters J C in white medical tape… Jo Colhagen. A moment later, a few of the graduates had done the same.
“My name is Grace. Grace Tyler Lindell. Like my cousin, I learned at a very early age that I was a girl, and somewhere along the way recently I let others define who I am. No more.” She pointed skyward.
“For Jo,” Grace said finally before walking off the stage and into her family’s loving arms, as her life indeed had figured on. Grace was no longer running away from the life she had led but finally running to the person she was always meant to be,
Where the wind sings by the river
Laughing, broken.
Hair swept out into the water,
Ripples of black.
Run, you better run,
You better run for your life.
Oh it rips through the sky.
Oh life figures on.
Jo, I know you will see.
Don't wait for a minute.
Words sail
Out into the wind
Their meaning
Taken by time
She sat at the small desk in the bedroom. The Navy velour throw did little to staunch the cold despite her choice of clothes. Cotton flannel footie PJs better suited her physical needs but at one time she had felt more connected when she read if she wore the maroon floor-length nightgown. And at one time she would have worn hose just ‘because’ but even at only 46 the need for sheer leg wear was no longer important.
Only four years… Unlike the quaint smell of perfume on paper, the pixels remained unblurred in unscented clarity. How many times had she read the final note shared by the most loving heart she would ever know.
“Be, Megan. Whatever you do or don’t do? BE! Be who you are. BE MEGAN. Like the Na’vi? I see you… I may look at Mick, but I see you and I love you with all my heart. Patti”
You, me and the moon
We burn, then crash in dirty snow
Ode to a sin, we might as well
Melt into Sunday
She walked over to the dresser by the bathroom door; seldom visited since all her needs were met in the dresser’s match across the room. But as much as she had changed, the moment begged for the special connection. She knelt down on the carpet and opened the middle right drawer; revealing soft garments in softer pastels. She went to speak, but an oddly comfortable reverence stilled her voice. Reaching in, she pushed aside the practical and retrieved comfort.
“Be Megan!”
She placed the garments on the bed and walked over to her own dresser to fetch her own stockings. Her head shook only slightly less than her hands; owing more to the new ‘gift’ she had received. She frowned at herself in the mirror. Newly trimmed brows now accompanied her always-there luscious lips; the dark red lipstick that complemented doe eyes that finally suited the owner of the face. Her head shook again; this time not in tremor but in an I-can’t-believe-I’m-doing-this plaint,
“BE Megan!”
She could almost hear Patti urging her in as she reached into the closet for the final few items before retreating to the safety of the bathroom. Alone in a house where modesty mixed with shame, as if she had to hide.
Put on my face
I’ll wear your dress tonight
Feel like you tonight
On that day
Several minutes later she walked down the hall to the living room; slow as to avoid being seen in a house with blinds closed. The door WAS locked, wasn’t it? Almost needless caution guarded her steps. Things change and her people had as well, hadn’t they? She walked over to the spinet and sighed at the picture almost hovering angelically over the keyboard. The women were nearly identical save for the smile on only one face. Teased at one time, the sad one was only then coming to feel good about herself.
She sighed; hoping she would not cry and spoil the moment. Time enough for tears. She settled into the large, two seat recliner and addressed one final detail. While she could not manage walking in the shoes on the best of days, the moment nearly screamed for black CFM pumps. Sliding them on, she relaxed as she took inventory.
Mint green tap pants and camisole; silk since rayon satin would be so de classe’. Sheer charcoal stay-up hose. And the dress. Full silk skirt with three-quarter sleeves; gray taffeta top over silk as well. She glanced at the space on the recliner beside her; sighing once again, but somewhat confident that the mist in her eyes would wait patiently.
Remember the time
We stood there by the lake
Watching boats and planes
Great white cloud
“BE….”
She heard once again. She carefully unbuttoned the dress down to the waist. Reaching underneath, she touched her hand against the camisole, which in turn rubbed a finally responsive nipple. An unfamiliar coo escaped her lips. As she moved her hand across her chest to address her other breast it was as if another, more experienced hand guided hers. Her other hand lay at her side; a fearful shame almost paralyzed her until she felt it urged under her skirt. She gasped and her eyes began to mist again.
“Megan…”
Long abandoned emotion rose to the surface even as the gentle force guided her to explore the new completeness in her body. Sighs became gasps. Gasps became moans. Moans became stifled cries as her body almost rose and fell. And the wonder of new weeping as shame was replaced with acceptance; guilt with peace; hurt with ecstasy, and sadness with joy. Crying led to laughter which led to wracking sobs; finally followed by comforting tears that stained face and silk alike.
“I love you,” she heard at last. She closed her eyes; knowing that to seek the face that accompanied the voice would only disappoint. Turning over slightly to her right, she cushioned her head with her hands. And as she wept as unto a twilight dream, she felt the gentle caress of lips on her cheek.
“Be at peace.”
Pull up the blinds
Open the door wide
Feel the cold arrive
In my bones
You’re not there for the stay
When I really wish you could
Wish that you were there
You could
Oh, you’re dying in here
You could be here soon
You stumble on a river
Pull up the blinds
Open the door wide
Feel the cold arrive
In my bones
Put on my face
The way I dressed today
Feel like you tonight
On my day
The home of Lisa Aldretti…
Megan laid her purse on the hall table. Hanging up her coat in the closet, she waved to Lisa by the pass through from the kitchen.
“Nice outfit. One of Patti’s favorites," Lisa quipped. Megan hadn’t meant to provoke; she wore the green cardigan and brown suede skirt because of the cold. Melanie looked up from her novel just long enough to send a stare designed to chill towards her sister ‘in-law.’ Megan sat down on the wooden rocker near the fireplace, turned toward the flames more to avoid Melanie than to seek the warmth. It was still a bit practical since Melanie couldn’t be colder toward her if she tried. Lisa called from the kitchen.
“Hot cocoa coming through!” She put the tray on the hearth; deliberately forcing her sister and her former brother-in-law to interact. Melanie and Megan reached for the same mug; bringing them face to face. Friends since grade school, none of the three women would ever have anticipated the events that threatened to pull them apart... or bring them together for that matter.
“You….” Melanie snapped before snatching the mug off the tray. She went to return to her seat on the sofa only to find her sister sprawled playfully across the full length. She pointed to the other rocking chair catty-corner to Megan. Melanie reluctantly sat down; placing her cocoa on the hearth before folding her arms in a combination entertain me/self-comforting hug.
“I…” Megan stammered. Even now, more than ten months after her surgery, she still felt guilty; a feeling urged along by her sister-in-law.
“Would you two stop it? Just stop it! What would Patti say?” At Lisa’s mention of Patti, both Megan and Melanie gasped… which was exactly Lisa’s intention.
“She told you she understood, Meg…. In fact, what was it she said?” Lisa poked in what almost seemed a cruel taunt but for the tears that fell from her face. Nevertheless, she began to grin; an I- know-a- secret grin guaranteed to set both Megan and Melanie aback.
“And what about you, sister mine?”
“Wha….what?” Melanie snapped again
“When Patti…. You know… she grabbed me just before….”
“No, Leecy….please,” Melanie begged; her expression changing from anger to sad fear. She put her hand to her face in shame; as if being human and hurt was somehow selfish.” Megan winced as well; already knowing too much of her own ‘half’ of the narrative but without any idea what would have upset her sister-in-law so much.
“Please? Lisa?” She too begged but almost more on Melanie’s behalf than her own.
“You remember what Patti said, Meg?” Lisa got up and grabbed a chair from the kitchen. She walked over and placed the chair between them; sitting down as she touched their shoulders.
“She wanted you to be happy. What was it she said when you came out?” Megan put her head down; still needlessly ashamed. Melanie’s eyes widened a bit in recollection….”
Six years previous...Mick and Patti’s home….
The last of the guests had departed save for the Aldretti sisters; sitting at the large picnic table with a very nervous looking brother-in-law. Patti was in the kitchen putting on the obligatory coffee pot when Lisa waved to Mick almost frantically. The night was still very young but Lisa feared time would get away from him after what he had shared with his second best friend only days before.
“I….” he stammered. Never ever considering himself brave, he had the deepest regard from Lisa and Melanie and Patti of course. Two tours in Afghanistan without once firing a shot along with a Doctors Without Borders trip every summer to Haiti; his hands helped to heal little kids and mommies hurt by a conflicts and disasters they never invited.
“Patti, sweetie? Can you come out here?”
“On my way,” she called. A moment later she arrived with a tray with four mugs of coffee; all four oddly preferring coffee just hot and undiluted. She sat down and pulled her kerchief off to wipe her brow; leaving her new-growth hair exposed. Melanie rubbed her head playfully.
“Lookin’ good, sis.”
“Only my hairdresser knows for sure.” Patti laughed until she noticed Mick’s frown just before he turned his head. With her white cell count at a finally decent level things did feel promising, What could it be?
“Mikey has something you two need to talk about,” Melanie stood up but Mick reached out to her and Lisa as he began to sob. Patti leaned close and gathered him into what would prove to be the last hug between husband and wife.
“I….I think I know, honey.” She grabbed his face with both hands and bestowed a kiss of blessing; her tears mingling with his. Neither knew at that moment how prophetically sad and beautiful their embrace would prove to be as she spoke.
“You are my life. Every bit of you has given me joy, but I wish I had known sooner.” Mick’s face turned quickly again to a mask of shame; colored more darkly by grief.
“No, no…” Patti pleaded. “I’m not disappointed. Only sad that I never knew until recently…. That…..” She forgot the kerchief clutched in her left hand; wiping her face with her sweater sleeve. Mick’s expression still mirrored the needless shame he still felt now mixed equally with apprehension and confusion.
“You were so hurt that you hid who you were… all these years because you were afraid your father would hate you….” Patti stifled a sob but continued.
“He acted all your life like he hated you so … so this is what we’re stuck with….Oh fuck…” Patti threw her half-empty mug of coffee against the brick oven to her right. Mick tried to get up but she pulled him into another hug; this time with a gentle pat on his cheek.
“At least tell me your name before I throw another mug. “ All three pairs of eyes looked at her. Mick shook his head; more out of defeat than denial,
“Okay…. Then I get to choose. You look like …. Kathleen? Nope, Bridey?” Patti shook her head as her nearly always present indomitable smile returned.
“Lady and gentlewomen? May I present for the very first time Mrs. Patricia Aldretti and her beautiful bride Megan O’Connell.” All four women smiled; albeit nervously. Lisa was relieved that the secret was finally out, even if it really wasn’t a secret at all. Megan was no longer Mick. And Megan knew she was loved. Patti fell in love all over again with the best friend she ever had. And Melanie fell in love again with the only one there who never knew she loved him….
The present…Cocoa with a wee bit of Jameson’s….
“So when she grabbed my arm….” Lisa continued; pulling Melanie back from her foray into the past. And Melanie looked at Megan and every single conflict she felt hit her hard. She began to sob. Megan shied away, but Lisa placed Megan’s hand in Melanie’s.
“Stop it, Leeze…. I’m not your client.” Melanie protested.
“No, Mel! I’m your sister.”
“I….I miss Patti.” She gasped. Megan’s presence was hard enough to bear, but it went way beyond grief. Lisa half-smiled.
“Confession is good for the soul. Tell her.” Lisa squeezed both of their hands; ‘her’ meant both of them, since Patti had blessed them with each other. Megan spoke haltingly; urged on by Lisa’s free hand rubbing her back.
“When things … for the last time…. She told me…. About…..about you, Mel.” The words came slowly, but seemed to bring courage to all of them. Melanie gasped; feeling ashamed of her love for Megan as if Patti had never known. Or that Patti stood between the two. She did in a way but not to separate them but to bring them together.
“Just before… or was it in recovery….I saw myself….in my mind…. As Megan. It was like when Patti and I…. but when I looked down….”
“You were in recovery, Meg. You were crying in your sleep. ‘I can’t…this isn’t right’ and ….” Lisa choked back a sob.
“You said you should have died instead of Patti. And you kept going on about …. A wedding... Wedding dresses...How Patti wanted you and Mel…. You woke up and cried in my arms.” Lisa continued to rub Megan’s back.
“It’s been over four years, Meg and I see the way you look at Mel when you think nobody sees you. You love her and you hate yourself.” Lisa squeezed Melanie’s hand.
“And you hate yourself for loving Megan.” Melanie stopped sobbing long enough to nod.
“She loved you both enough to know you were as much meant for each other as she had been for Mikey, right?” Lisa stood up and pulled Megan off the chair and onto her own; leaving her sister ‘in-law’ next to Melanie; physically completing what Patti had begun. She kissed both of them on the forehead; her tears an unction shared in a way with Patti as she said softly,
“Be….blessed.”
Several months later…
The fire almost seemed to roar a loud rebuke against the cold. The blinds were open; inviting the moon to shine happily in. Two women lay sleepily under the covers. The evening’s apparel lay draped over the sofa on the far side of the suite; their resplendent white giving testimony to the special day. Somewhere not too far from there Lisa Aldretti fell asleep in a gentle, satisfied peace that comes often from the feeling of a job…of a very special errand well done.
And even as the two drifted off finally into their wedded bliss of repose, they heard the gentle music of Patti’s voice… the last time anyone would hear her this side of heaven….
“Be….as one….”
Pull up the blinds
Open the door wide
Feel the cold arrive
In my bones
You, me and more
We bumped and crashed in dirty snow
Up to our sin, we might as well
Melt into Sunday
When you dream you only dream you're Annabel
All the secrets there inside you Annabel
Born beneath an emerald sky sing Annabel
Nothing that they did will stop you Annabel
The Daniels home, Gates, New York, early February…
The girl sat at the small desk next to her bed; a bright, multi-colored crocheted throw lay draped across her lap against the winter cold.
Dear Diary…. I was surfing on Youtube. All those girls who have help….you know….with the makeup. Sisters who actually know? Ginnie sorta knows, I think. Maybe? She was in the room the other day and I just barely got my bathrobe on. I think I covered up enough… oh fuck. Maybe she’ll tell mom and I’ll get to go to a nice doctor who thinks I’m crazy.
Anyway, I found this video of a girl singing…. Older maybe as old as Tony? She was singing and they showed a boy on a bike and he was riding in his house and then outside. He was kind of cute…oh fuck…..
He ends up in the woods and he’s got this place like a fort where he keeps his stuff. The girl is singing and she looks also like she’s his mom. Packing a lunch. He ends up opening the bag she gave him and there’s this sparkly dress. He puts it on and he’s all happy and they go back and forth and he looks sad and then he looks happy. I can’t remember how it all fit together but I think he’s sorta trans? I don’t know. All I know is I wanted to be him…her….you know? Like that’s ever gonna happen? Oh fuck I hate myself…. I’m such a fucking loser. I can’t even talk like a girl…….
Teddie practically slammed closed his lap top; shoving it off onto his bed. He closed his eyes and sighed before putting his head down on the desk. He was so tired for so many reasons and he fell asleep on his folded arms after crying for nearly an hour….
< Land of the lines tangled there in porcelain
Under the stars you'll be-gin
When you dream you only dream you're Annabel
Sleep reminds you takes you there oh Annabel
The girl seemed to beckon him to follow. Teddie got close enough to see the girl’s face. It was him or someone just like him. He reached out to grab her hand as she was walking away, but a voice from behind snapped him out of his dream….
“Teddie? Honey” The voice was familiar but something felt odd. Not wrong, but just out of place. He raised his head from the desk to find his father sitting on his bed. Honey?
“We should talk, but you need to wake up. Your mom and I will be in the kitchen when you get the cobwebs out. Okay?”
Ted Sr. reached over and squeezed the boy’s arm before walking out. Teddie stared at the doorway; shaking his head. Something was more than odd. He sighed and stood up. Walking over to the mirror on his closet door, he eyed himself up and down. A girl of fourteen stared back at him. She was dressed in a black knee length skirt and a hot pink wide-neck tee over a magenta sports bra. She wore leggings; pink and yellow floral motif on a black background. Her feet were bare, revealing magenta colored toenails that matched her fingernails He and the girl nodded in approval before he walked out of his room and down the hallway.
“There you are,” Ted Sr. said with a big grin that was matched by Teddie’s mom’s smile. Lissa waved and pointed. Teddie walked in and sat down in the large wooden rocker in the middle of the living room; almost a place of honor. His sister Ginnie walked over and handed him a package wrapped in bright paper. Tony was home from college and was standing behind Ted Sr. holding Lissa’s hand.
“Open it, Tee, okay?” Ginnie pointed to the package. Teddie gently pulled the paper off the box and opened it; revealing a leather-clad book… a Bible. Teddie looked up at Ginnie and her face had changed from glee to fear as everything in the room began to spin, and then everything went black…...
“Ted?” The voice was urgent and abrupt. He lifted his head off his arms on the desk and came face to face with his step-father Jack.
“Meet me in the living room.” Jack punctuated his command with a playful slap to the back of Teddie’s head before walking out. Teddie stood up and walked over to the mirror on his closet door. The same clothes as the dream, but disheveled and worn; castaways by Ginnie that he rescued from the bag of clothing destined for the donation pile in the garage.
The leggings were a bit baggy and pitted and the skirt was almost threadbare. The boy in the mirror wore a stretched out hot pink tee shirt over an old gray bra filched from the same pile of her mother’s giveaway clothes. Both boys shook their heads in disappointment and walked down the hall.
Jack stood in the middle of the living room along with some men from church. He pointed to the metal and vinyl chair from the kitchen with a shake of his head. Teddie hesitated before sitting down.
“Dad…please.” Ginnie pleaded. Tony grabbed her wrist and shook his finger at her. She backed up and put her head down. Lissa sat in the kitchen, crying.
“No more, son. We’re here to pray for you,” the pastor said gently but firmly. Teddie went to stand up and his brother walked over and stared at him; leaving him to sit down once again.
“It’s going to be okay, Teddie. You’re just confused.” One of the other men eyed Teddie up and down; shaking his head at the boy’s attire.
“God doesn’t make mistakes, Teddie. You’ll see. “ Jack smiled; earnest if ignorant about his step-child. He stepped closer and produced a hair clipper. Teddie went to stand up once again, but strong hands held him in the chair as his step father set the clipper to his head. A few moments later all of his dark brown hair lay on the floor, leaving him with a military cut. Tears streamed down the boy’s face. Ginnie sat in the corner and wept; echoing the sobs coming from Lissa as she stood at the kitchen door and stared at her youngest child.
“It will be okay. You’ll see.” Jack said once again. Teddie looked up and away; his gaze finding the sole place of comfort as he eyed his late father’s picture on the hallway wall. Jack noticed the boy’s look and walked over; pulling the picture off the wall.
“I’m sure even your father would agree with me that this is the best for you and the family.” He smiled in ignorance once again before placing the photo face down on the coffee table next to where Teddie sat.
“No…..” The boy barely even whispered as strong hands lifted him from the chair. He stood as they handed him a pair of sweat pants and a green tee shirt with “Faith Fellowship” printed on the front. A moment later he was down the hall and in his room…..
The girl stood up; confused She shook her head as feelings of fear and doubt seemed to be fading away. As she looked around she found that things had become almost hazy, but with a cool, welcoming breeze that hugged her. A moment later she felt a hand tap her left shoulder. Ted Sr. smiled and took his daughter’s hands in his; almost inviting a dance of sorts as he spun her gently around to see the home she had always known even if she had only just arrived. He smiled once again and kissed her forehead.
“No more winters, Teddie,” he said and he grabbed her left hand; leading her down a rose-lined path toward a bright place just over the next hill…..
He was flat on his back in the floor. Two people in uniform, a man and a woman, knelt beside him. Everything sounded loud and soft at the same time…
“He’s responding….” The woman turned to Lissa and half-smiled before focusing once again on Teddie. The boy turned his head to the side; vomiting onto the floor.
“Mom….” Teddie spoke in a raspy whisper. Lissa knelt down and grabbed Teddie’s hand.
“It’s okay, baby. I’m here,” she managed to say between sobs. The EMT nodded to her partner and he slid the gurney next to Teddie. A few seconds later they had transported the boy to the ambulance. Lissa grabbed the handhold and went to climb in next to Teddie. Jack went to put his hand on her shoulder but she shrugged it off.
“No…please, Jack. NO….” Lissa said. She pulled up into the ambulance and the woman closed the door before walking around to the front. A moment later the ambulance pulled away, leaving Jack standing in the driveway. One of the church elders placed his hand on Jack’s back.
“We’ll be praying, Jack…..”
At the hospital
Teddie had been moved upstairs. Jack and Lissa stood outside his room and faced the closed door. A moment later a kind looking nurse walked out, closing the door once again behind her.
“You’ll be able to see him tomorrow. He’s resting now. He’s past the worst part of it, but he’ll be evaluated by the doctor tomorrow morning.” She smiled warmly; placing her hand on Lissa’s arm in encouragement. Something in her look seemed to tell Lissa that she understood. A look that also seemed completely absent in Jack. As the nurse walked away, Lissa shook her head.
“This is your fault.” She paused in thought before continuing in weepy gasps…
“No, Jack. This is my fault. I should never have let you do what you did… I’m so ashamed….”
“It had to be done. He’s better for it.”
“No, Jack. He’s not better for it. You ...we just gave my child no hope. You and everybody else just condemned her for being who she is.
“That’s a lie from hell, Lissa. He’s a boy….just as God created him.”
“No, Jack. You have…. What the hell have we been going to counseling for? You’re so stuck on what you believe that we nearly let our child kill herself. I’m so fucking…. I’m so angry at you and me right now.” She blushed in shame. Jack went to grab her hand but she pulled away.
“We…. I….” She wanted to be angry at Jack alone, but couldn’t help but see much of herself in his ignorance. And sad and almost ironically sweet at the same time, she realized her husband loved Teddie even if his love was misplaced and confused. Their choices for their child had grown forced and desperate out of a sense of obligation rather than a search for understanding.
She couldn’t have picked a nicer if more stubbornly stupid replacement for Ted Sr. if she’d tried. She could only hope they’d both get better at being less ignorant. Shaking her head, her tears flew off her face as she buried herself in his chest. He looked down at her and then up as if in prayer before kissing her forehead as tears streamed down his face as well. It might not be good, but things had to get better, didn’t they?
Gentle whisper endless winters Annabel
Why they couldn't let you be both Annabel
Land of the lines of the years below still lies
You are the truth they de-nied
Run like the sea tangled there in porcelain
Under the stars you be-gin
Gentle Whisper
The girl wandered aimlessly in the darkened garden; her only solace being the gentle whisper of an Autumn breeze softly swaying leaf and branch…
The office of Alia Edelsohn, LPC….
The boy sat one end of the long couch. Alia pushed aside the urge to rephrase his words and asked him to repeat what he had just said or rather asked. Teddie turned to Lissa and bit his lip before continuing.
“How… how…why did you let them do this, Mom?” He used the back of his hand to wipe his face even as more tears spilled onto his shirt. He sniffled before turning away. Lissa sidled over and tried to hug him….him? But Teddie just shrugged her off.
“I’m so sorry, baby,” Lissa wept in return. She had not known that Jack and the elders had planned the ‘intervention,’ but even so, her inability to confront her husband before the fact had enabled him to take such drastic action. Even now she was hesitant, but her child had no energy to look past even the most reasonable excuse of her mother’s own fear. She began to sob.
“Oh Teddie,” she said and went to stroke the girl’s hair out of habit. But instead of shoulder length tresses, her hand fell upon the course buzz cut that had barely grown out in the two weeks since her child was set upon by an angry, loving group of her step-father’s friends from church. Lissa pulled her hand away as Teddie continued sobbing.
“Mommy….Mom…?” She stammered; the hurt and shame seemed to turn her towards Lissa. Alia used her hands in gesture to urge Lissa closer. Mother opening her arms to her child… to the daughter she had abandoned to ignorance in an effort to keep the peace in her home. The same peacemaker who placated and negotiated between her own parents in her own shattered childhood. Noting Lissa’s expression, Alia spoke gently but firmly.
“Tell her, Lissa.” Teddie looked up and saw the terror in her mother’s eyes. Fear that goes beyond sorrow from the dread of rejection. A new, healing fear in a way that wept, not for her own shame alone, but thankfully that ‘what did I do to my sweet child?’ shame. She began to speak but the words got caught in her throat, Fearing the irretrievable hurt she had inflicted, Lissa began to weep; a sad but necessary counterpoint to her daughter’s melody of hopelessness. She lowered her head but moments later Teddie’s pleading kisses helped them both begin to heal.
“Don’t leave me, Mom….don’t leave me…” Teddie stammered, recalling all too easily the loss she still felt at the death of Teddie Sr. and the all-too-painful contrast between her father's acceptance and Jack's passive rejection. She had lowered herself and was sobbing in Lissa’s lap. Somewhere above and far away, perhaps, her Daddy might be weeping in prayer;
Teddie seemed to see even with eyes screwed shut. The gentle touch of two hands on her shoulders that might have been a touch from heaven was merely Alia tapping alternately; a therapeutic touch in the process even if it might mirror something more personal. Lissa leaned forward and embraced her daughter as the their sobbing ebbed into peaceful, gentle weeping.
Years later… at Wegmans Supermarket, Irondequoit, New York....
The woman closed the lift-gate to her CR-V and pushed the preset on her Smartphone.
“Hi… Angela? Sweetie? Be a dear and pick-up Baby-girl at Soccer practice? Yes, I got Mommy’s card and a cake. Ginnie’s picking up the food at Golden Pond. And tell Ronnie she’s the best mother-in-law ever… Back in about thirty. Love you too…(mwah!)”
Teddie pushed the empty shopping cart toward the store when she noticed a tallish man heading the same way.
“Need a cart?” She stopped and the man accepted the gesture. As he went to turn his eyes widened in recognition.
“T…Teddie?”
“Hi, Dad.” Her eyes began to tear up. How long had it been? He smiled awkwardly.
“How’s your mom?”
“She’s doing well, Dad.” He shook his head in confusion.
“I forgave you a long time ago. Mommy and Ginnie. Tony, too. We all loved you… still do.” He put his hand to his face and stroked his chin.
“I…I gotta get going….good to see you,” he said; almost trying to convince himself before saying finally,
“God bless you.” With that he turned once again and quickly walked into the store, failing to hear the soft, tearful response over the gentle whisper of the Spring breeze….
“God bless you too….”
Land of the lines, of the years below still lies.
You are the truth they denied.
Run like the sea, tangled there in porcelain.
Under the stars you begin.
Lying for lies
A golden lie
Your red red hair
Your almond eyes
Teaneck, New Jersey
The rest of the promised rain held off, which left the girl hot and nervous; owing more to what she was bound to hear than to the dog-day that now approached a painful August evening. She teetered as she walked down the sidewalk; her vertigo due solely to the ear infection left unattended for too long. He preferred his girls in very high heels, and even so, she appreciated the look almost as much as she detested the reason for wearing them.
Looking for light
A golden light
Red red hair
And almond eyes
She managed to negotiate the short distance between the safety of the awning-covered doorway to the Dodge Avenger that idled in the parking space at the end of the lot. She walked to the driver’s side and leaned against the door. The driver pulled off sunglasses; revealing an attractive woman. The girl backed away slightly and smiled.
“Oh, lookie here,” the woman said with a wry smile.
“You’re young, but you’ll do,” she said as she pointed to the passenger side of the car. A moment later the girl was sitting nervously as the woman tapped her watch.
Searching for love
A wallet's hot
The price is right
It's money for love
Looking for light
A golden light
With your red red hair
And almond eyes
Laurel you came here<
“What may I expect, kid?” She leaned back and turned to the girl, who stared almost blankly.
“What will you do and what do you want. I know you’re special., so where and what and how much? “
“Uh… $200 for….” The girl stammered and blushed; her complexion turning from near alabaster to a red almost as dark as her hair.
“Yes?” The woman tilted her head slightly in question. The girl shrugged her shoulders slightly as she plunged into only partly uncharted waters.
“$200 for … tongue. I gotta room at the motel.” She pointed across the street. “Depends if you wanna fuck. Another $200?”
“Okay,” the woman said and got out. A moment later she was standing next to the girl by the front of the car. The girl motioned for the woman to follow and put her hand out.
“Sorry, kid,” the woman said as she snapped handcuffs on the girl's wrists.
“You bitch! You fucking cunt! Fuck you.” A patrol car pulled up; lights flashing but no siren. Two cops exited and walked over. The girl screamed even as the woman calmly read the girl her rights off a laminated card. One of the patrol officers pushed the girl’s head down and urged her into the car.
“Fuck….. Fuck….” The girl repeated a few times; her face turning quickly from anger to utter despair as she burst into tears. She began to bang her head softly against the seat.
“Hey…stop that,” the other uniform yelled through the closed car door. The woman put her hand on the cop’s shoulder in caution.
“She won’t go batshit on you, Tom. Twelve years old – thirteen tops. She’s given up. Probably no place to go… no home…probably she was abused. And two...probably her only…friends… two in the last six months just like her on a slab downtown.”
“She? That’s a dude, Meg.”
“No. I’ve seen kids like her. She was her way before the prick latched onto her. Girls like her either get turned away by the church shelters or get beat down or worse. Nobody to watch over her? Keep her safe? Underneath it all, that’s one scared little girl.” Meg shook her head. Officer Jaworski wasn’t really bad so much as misinformed. She hoped he’d continue to ask questions.
“I guess I get it. I … guess I don’t know why you try so hard. Why try, Meg? You can’t save them all.”
Margaret Noonan had begun to trust her fellow cops. But apart from her former partner in blue and now wife Anita, Meg was cautious enough to know whom she could expect would understand. She glanced down at her body while Tommy’s attention was drawn to the now sobbing boy/girl in the back of the patrol car. He turned and shrugged his shoulders.
“What does it matter, Meg? Like I said – you can’t save everyone.” Tommy wasn’t ready just yet to learn about Meg’s past; someday, but not today. She smiled and pointed to the girl.
“Starfish, Tommy, my man. Starfish…”
Behind the smile
An angry mind
Don't wait for tonight
Cruel Light
cross a starless sky
It cuts like tiny knives
Rain beating down
Rain beating down
Bogata, New Jersey
The music would have betrayed him but for the earbuds that kept it all to himself. The boy turned off the player and tossed it on his desk before walking across the room. He stared at the mirror over his dresser; backlit only by uncaring moonlight streaming through his bedroom window. The face in the mirror stared back; a glare of self-hatred barely mitigated by the idea that he wanted to welcome his image even as he hoped it would disappear.
Tender and town
Won't leave you now
Wanted you so bad
I feel like I'm caught with no air
Wanted you gone
Wanted you there
“Marky? Get in here!” The man’s voice was demanding and already promising to be dismissive and unforgiving. He dropped the magazine he was perusing on his bed; making no effort to hide it since his father’s tone probably meant that being found with a copy of Modern Bride was the least of his worries. He walked briskly down the hall with a resolve to face the rage to come.
“It took you long enough,” his father said as he slapped the boy; sending him to fall over the armrest into the dark leather couch; nose bloodied and likely broken
“Vito, please?” Cara went to pull his raised arm away from the boy, but his glower pushed her away.
“What the fuck is this?” The man pointed to a large, brightly colored shopping bag like you might find at the end of the checkout at Shoprite or Kohls, Marky kept his head raised; still expecting another slap but with a fatigue from too much self-protection giving way to a new, necessary need for self-determination. He resisted adding to the confrontation and merely stated,
“It’s my ‘hope’ bag, Dad.” Marky was too tired to avoid the endearment he still used for his father, which became ironically sad. Vito glared at the boy and snapped at him.
“You know what I mean,” he said as he dumped the contents of the bag onto the couch; barely missing the boy’s head. Out tumbled a couple of bras and a few panties along with some lime green jeans, a purple denim skirt, some brightly colored tops and a pair of bright pink Nikes. Vito pointed to the clothes and picked his son up by the collar of his tee shirt. Marky braced for another slap but instead saw his mother take the blow as she stepped between her ex and her son. She tumbled to the floor; dazed with a bloody lip.
“You fucking cunt! See what you made me do?”
Vito redoubled his efforts and went to hit Marky once again but felt his arm twist behind his back as a female cop and her partner, the boy’s step-father Archie, pulled Vito back and away, slamming him against the living room wall.
“You fucking bastard,” Archie said as he handcuffed Vito. He handed the stunned man off to the two backup uniforms who had just arrived. Cara was already up and had run to Archie’s waiting arms even as Marky sat on the couch; his sobs a painful blend of relief and sadness as his father was led away by the two other cops. Sonya, Archie’s partner, knelt in front of Marky; grabbing both hands with hers.
“It’s over, honey… It’s over.” She turned and looked at Archie and Cara; thankful the boy had called her after his father had kicked down the door. Whatever the court decided the family would be safe for at least the next few years as his father would have his parole violated. Marky sighed as he stared out the front doorway past the broken door as the patrol car pulled away almost silently with lights flashing.
“You gonna be okay, honey?” Sonya asked even as she helped the boy up into a careful embrace. He looked down at his feet; pantyhose-clad and barely obscured by over-sized blue Giants sweatpants. Looking up with embarrassment he saw Sonya had also gazed at his feet, but was grinning calmly. He noticed his mother’s smile and his step-father Archie – the only father he had really ever known – nod as tears spilled off the kind man’s cheeks. Sonya pulled him into a hug where he resumed sobbing.
Cara and Archie stepped closer as Sonya shot her partner and her sister Cara an assuring smile; the kind of smile that says, ‘it’s okay….everything’s going to be alright.’ Even as they all embraced a short, dark-haired girl peered around the broken door, looking very nervous.
“Are you okay? Is Marky okay?” The boy stepped out from behind his parents and past his aunt. He nodded nervously before running down the hall. The girl shot a sideways-can-I glance before running after the boy as a relieved collective sigh said everything would indeed be okay.
There's wild in your eyes oh Thea
There's a light there's a feeling
It's cruel and its dark in this town
Are they mad were we dreaming
Years later, Little Ferry, New Jersey
The woman sighed as her friend handed her a Kirin and a plate with a couple of slices of Sicilian pizza covered with onions and sausage. His wife sat down at the picnic table next to him and smiled at her friend. She and her sister had known Meg since middle school; having traded hugs and Sketchers and secrets she felt best left for Meg to tell.
“So what was so urgent that brought us together?” Tommy arched an eyebrow in mock surprise. Meg turned to her wife who in turn looked across the table at her sister. The two nodded; an almost conspiratorial signal between twins as Meg smiled.
“When I was…” she hesitated as old less inviting memories inserted themselves in the present. Anita Robles-Noonan rubbed Meg’s arm even as Tommy Jaworsky leaned closer at his wife Maya’s urging.
“When we were kids… " she paused and looked back and forth between the women who had helped rescue her when they were all in ninth grade.
"Tommy? You asked me why I care about the kids…the transgender kids we see?” She bit the inside of her mouth nervously.
“Yeah… I looked up that Starfish thing… you can’t save em all, but it matters to the one you do save?” Tommy grinned at the idea of understanding the story, but his enlightenment was about to increase exponentially. Meg hesitated; the words still felt shameful after all the years between, but she managed to pat her chest with the palm of her hand even as Anita and Maya stood and hugged her; Anita saying in calm, loving assurance,
“She cares now because it mattered to one … him….then.”
Meg winced at her wife’s words until Tommy smiled; failing horribly at avoiding his own tears as he said at last in quiet assurance,
“And…it matters to me.”
Tender torn sundown on Isthmus
All for you oh hungry moon
It's a long long night of waiting
I want you there I want you gone
Searching for love
Searching for love
A wallet's hot
The price is right
It's money for love
In front of B & G Liquors and Bar, Teaneck New Jersey, Christmas Eve afternoon…
Drifting out of time
Something on your mind
And I wanna be the one that you call
When you get down
No matter where you are in the world
I'll be around
The girl strongly resembled Mila Kunis – right down to being much younger than she appeared. Her day would have been miserable even if the ground had been covered with a pristine blanket of snow. But it wasn’t a pretty winter’s day. She stood precariously on ankle-length boots whose three inch heels barely raised her feet out of the slush that spilled onto the sidewalk in front of the liquor store. She wrapped herself in a self hug and pulled her faux fur coat tighter in a futile effort to staunch the cold.
“Hey!” An angry voice called from behind.
“Get the fuck outta here! How many times do I have to tell you and your girlfriends to stay away from here?” The man shoved her rudely; thankfully her fall was broken by a dirty pile of a leftover snow bank. She went to stand up but teetered over and fell against a light pole as her left heel broke off. She slumped back down onto the sidewalk, and despite her best efforts to put in a brave face, she put her head down and began to sob.
“Hey kid? Give me your hand.” A voice spoke softy. She looked up and found herself facing a smile worn by a friendly Teaneck woman detective. The girl scurried sideways to flee, but her path was blocked by the pole.
“Easy….you’re not in any trouble… leastwise from me.” Meg Noonan held out her hand again. The girl took Meg’s hand and weakly rose to her feet; barely balanced on her undamaged right boot. As she stood she pulled against the Meg’s grip in a futile attempt to flee.
“Hey…. Relax. You’renot in trouble.” Even as she spoke she pulled the girl around and pushed her firmly through the already opened left rear door of the unmarked police cruiser. The girl went to push past her, but Meg closed the door; evoking expletives rendered somewhat muffled by the door window. A moment later, Meg was behind the wheel of the cruiser but held off starting the car.
“You bitch…. You said I wasn’t in trouble…You lied!” The girl’s words were an equal mix if anger and sadness.
“You‘re not in trouble… for the most part.” Meg turned and smile. The girl glared.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“If you were in real trouble, you’d be sitting on cuffed hands and we’d already be on the way to the station. But you are in some trouble that will get worse if you keep this up.” Meg pointed to the sidewalk.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” The girl looked at her free hands before folding he arms in a ‘go ahead, entertain me’ move. Meg took a deep breath before continuing. As much as she wanted to help the girl, the next few moments were going to be anything but gentle.
“Do you know a kid named Tasha?”
Yeah…what of it?” The girl remained defiant.
“Starla? Tina?” Meg bit her lip, fearing the girl’s reaction as she carefully phrased the next quesrion.
“Did you know them?”
“Whaddya mean did? The girl tilted her head and closed her eyes as a look of fearful recognition crossed her face.
“It’s been awfully cold, kid. Wet and even sleety the past two weeks. I’m sorry” Meg’s sad frustration was reflected in the look of horror on the girl’s face.
“No! You’re fucking lying! You lie!” Even as the words left her mouth the girl began to pound the seat with balled fists. She started to shake, and her sobs quickly turned to a sorrowful moan. No words could argue against the truth of what Meg had just not said.
“I’m so sorry.” Meg said; as much to herself as to the girl. She had taken the call at the strip mall last week. One of the counter girls at the pizza joint had found the body of the thirteen-year-old child known only as Tina in the back doorway; probably huddled against the cold. The two others were found in the back of an abandoned sedan behind the old Pathmark.
After a few minutes, Meg started the car and they were in the road.
The girl looked up.
“Where…where are we going?” She looked around frantically.
“Relax, kid. Like I said, you’re NOT in trouble. I missed lunch.” A few minutes later they were parked in front of the Five Star Coffee Shop. Meg reached into the gym bag in the front seat and stepped out of the car. Opening the right side rear door, she thrust a pair of cross-trainers into the girl’s hands and pointed to the heel-less boot now discarded in the seat beside the girl.
“May be a bit big but they’ll do for now.” She half-smiled as the girl put the shoes on without loosening the laces. Meg offered the girl her hand, but her gesture was ignored as the girl exited the car. She held her hands out as if to receive cuffs or a zip tie.
“Can’t very well eat if your hands are secured. You like chili? Maybe a grilled ham and cheese?” The girl shook her head no, but headed toward the door of the diner. For one fleeting moment it almost looked as if she was about to bolt down the sidewalk, but Meg laughed softly as she ushered the girl into the restaurant.
“We’re both tired and hungry. Why don’t you wait at least until after we eat before you make a run for it, okay?” Meg noticed the girl barely contain a grin. Meg’s cell rang.
“Hey Nee…. Yes… Phil called? We can? Great, babe… see you at home.”
A few moments later they were seated; each with a mug of coffee and a huge plate of chili fries between them. The waitress smiled and patted Meg’s shoulder. Her name tag read ‘Antonia.’
“We’re closin’ early, but you can take your time.” She turned to the girl, placing a plate with a cheeseburger in front of her.
“Merry Christmas.” The girl ignored her and turned her attention once again to the food; not rude so much as famished.
“Tell Tommy and Maya Merry Christmas for me Meg?“
“And the same to you and yours, Toni. Merry Christmas.” She squeezed Toni’s hand.
“And you can tell them yourself since they'll be there and you’re still coming by tomorrow?” Meg asked. Toni nodded as the girl remained focused on her cheeseburger and the remaining fries.
"You need anything?"
“You and Lori want to bring some wine?”
“Yes and yes,” Toni said. She glanced at the girl and tilted her head slightly in question. Meg nodded and smiled, mouthing ‘pray.’
“Oh…. By the way? Meal’s my treat. Don’t rush out without giving me a hug.” Toni smiled back and walked away.
“So do you get a medal?” The girl took a gulp of her coffee. Meg half-frowned, but patted the girl on the wrist; evoking a start.
“No. I just love chili fries.” Before the girl could respond, Meg added.
“So what do folks call you?”
“What?” Megan pointed to the tag on her shirt.
“Your name? Mine’s Noonan…Margaret Noonan. My friends call me Meg.”
“Margaret’s my Mom’s name….” Meg smiled until the girl added,
“I hate my Mom. Actually she’s my Dad’s girlfriend. “ Meg expected that it went further than that,
“You miss your real Mom. What was her name?”
“Lana. Short for Svetlana…. She was from the Ukraine…, came here…..” The girl hesitated and gasped at the thought of what further to say. Meg knew that there were second-generation pros but even this was beyond her experience. The girl answered the un-asked question.
She died when I was ten. She….”
“I’m so sorry.” Meg’s eyes welled with tears. The girl gasped.
“Why? What the fuck is it to you?”
“My Mom is fighting… breast cancer. You must be so…” Try as she might, the girl's bravado failed her as she began to cry. Meg got up and sat down in the chair next to her..
“I know, sweetie, I know….” Meg leaned close as the girl fell into her and sobbed. Toni came over and placed two glasses of ice water and mouthed ‘still praying’ before walking into the kitchen. A few moments later the girl’s sobs had subsided and Meg held her at arm’s length.
“I know it’s not the same. I do. But my real dad never understood me. He beat me and Mommy until he got sent up for robbing a store. Mommy ended up marrying my step-dad – my real Dad. you know. My father got out on parole and would have killed us…. He…he hated who I was….”
The girl looked confused. Now it was time for Meg to answer the un-asked question.
“I was just like you…. Just like who you are and not what…” The girl’s eyes widened in confusion mixed with hope.
“What’s your name?”
“My name? Crystal…..”
“No honey, your real...sorry...your other name.” Meg leaned closer but the girl misunderstood but still confirmed Meg’s suspicion.
“Max….Maxim… after my Dad…..” The girl bit her lip as tears of shame tolled off her cheeks.
“My name was Mark. I know, honey. I know.” The girl continued to cry. Meg waited until the girl was quiet once again.
“I know this is a lot for you to take in, but it’s Christmas Eve and all. My boss called my home. My wife says social services phoned …they owe me a few favors…. We don’t want to see you lost in the foster system.”
“We? You…you have a wife?”
“Yes. Anita. She wants you to come…”
“She? Come for Christmas?”
“And after we can figure out how to help you.” Meg smiled. The girl was still crying, but her weight had lifted; leaving her with a peace she’d never before known.
Meg stood and helped the girl to her feet just in time to received the promised hug from Toni. who hugged the girl as well and kissed her on the forehead.
“See you tomorrow, sweetie?” Toni looked back and forth between the two, Meg smiled as she returned the hug.
“Thank you,” she whispered before speaking aloud.
“She’ll be staying with me and Anita. So until tomorrow, Merry Christmas.”
With that, Meg and the girl walked out to the car. She opened the front passenger side door.
“Up front with me, kid?” The girl smiled through confused but happy tears.
“Say, you don’t really look like a Crystal, and I know you’re not really…Max?” The girl nodded as she got into the car.
“Would you mind if we called you Lana?” Meg asked as she got behind the wheel. Whatever reserve defense that remained in the girl dissipated as she put her head on Meg’s shoulder and sobbed happy tears. Meg started the car. As she pulled out she glanced at the girl and smiled.
“Lana it is.”
Fly me away on an aeroplane
High in the sky wanna see you again
Wanna know this time
Gonna tell you what I'm feeling
Gonna know this time
Gonna get it back that feeling
Stranger, when you look at me
Eyes strong as steel
Light as day
Born a mystery
You're the in between
Boy or girl
Reset…. At the Rowan home, Essex Fells, New Jersey...
The last of the embers glowed in the fireplace. Carol looked over at her sleeping husband and shook her head; wondering just what she had gotten herself into. Only six months past their first anniversary and a soul-baring conversation that threatened at first to destroy their marriage.
She had been impressed somehow that John was quiet and reserved, from what she remembered about their first meeting. He wasn’t quite the man her mother had hoped for, but he was dependable and kind. Wasn’t that enough? So much of what she recalled seemed to be blurred by the present confusion. And that was just the beginning. She sighed and recalled the talk to end all talks....
”Carol?” He had said softly; too softly, she thought since it sounded just like one of those collection of kind words that usually lead up to a letdown. He didn’t disappoint with the first few words.
“I’m….I’ve….” He started with a stammer. She walked into the living room and found a nervous looking woman sitting by the hearth; her legs easing the wooden rocking chair into a slight sway.
“Excuse me?” Carol said with a soft laugh. What the woman anticipated would be a shocking surprise was neither shocking nor surprising. Carol placed her hands at the sides of her face, feigning both.
“John? Is that you? OH MY GOD, she exclaimed even as she shook her head; her grin growing wider as she walked up to her husband. He was wearing her white robe and a pair of black pajamas she didn’t recognize. His longish hair was pulled back into a very unfamiliar bun.
“John?” she said softer; a welcome which did little to put him at ease. She touched his arm; evoking a wince. He pulled back and covered his face with his left hand; his right balled into a fist that slammed repeatedly against his hip in punishment. She had only seen that gesture once before; once had indeed been enough as he hit himself repeatedly when he talked about his relationship with his father. Words like ‘stupid’ and even ‘waste of time.’ Whatever was going to follow now wasn’t good.
“John…shhhhh…..it’s okay,” she said quietly with absolutely no conviction that it was okay. She could only hope, but whatever he was going to share was bound to be bad. He shook his head and spoke haltingly.
“I’m so sorry. I have to….you need ….we….” The preamble to the letdown was already going to be hard; what was left had to be…. She couldn’t put a word to it for fear that it would come true. She just kept her eyes intently on him as he struggled to speak.
“We should never have….I’m so sorry.” He repeated. Should never have what? What did they do that they needed to walk back or abandon? Only one. Her eyes widened in fear and even shame over something yet to be revealed about a lack or even a presence that she held. He bit his lip and began to cry, but not so much that he didn’t notice her fear.
“No, Carol. Me. Not you.” That mantra that was the worst thing anyone could tell someone they said they had loved. But he continued; clarifying and confusing at the same time.
“I am so…. You never deserved this. It’s not your fault.” He continued to cry; words escaping slowly between gasps and sobs.
“I’m ….I…” He looked down at himself and shook his head. She stepped closer and held him tight; a gesture that proved only briefly futile as he continued to weep. But with the hug came assurance.
“Nothing you can tell me can change a thing between us.” She was wrong, but in a good way. Things were about to change forever.
“I’m…. you’re not….I should have said something….I thought things would change,” he continued to stammer.
“What would change….what had to change?”
He pulled his shirt up, revealing a dark blue satin bra. She pulled back in feigned shock, but quickly recovered. As if the lingerie somehow was more of a surprise than the outfit he wore.
“Things have changed, John.” She stepped close and kissed his cheek and then pulled him into an awkward hug.
“I knew you were different when I married you, honey. I don’t understand this, but I said nothing can change a thing between us. Okay?”
At home with the Rowans, back in the present…
“You knew I was different when you married me, too!“ Carol laughed as she ran the rat tail comb through John’s hair. She tilted her head a little and scrunched her face in concentration.
“Yep…. wavy definitely works for you, dear,” she said with a soft laugh. She grabbed his head and gently ran her hands under his collar, pulling out what was now approximating tresses. He went to turn around.
“I’ll go move in with my brother, “ he said as he cast his gaze downward once again.
”No. You can’t just bring someone new into the home and then expect me to wave goodbye to you both. I told you. Things are going to change.” She reached around and tugged at his shirt; pulling it out from his body enough to peek at the latest addition to his wardrobe; a Claret padded satin bra.
“See?” she said, pulling open her blouse to reveal the same garment in Jade.”
“We match,” she continued as she returned her attention to John’s hair. His face began the slow and painful process of turning the same colors as their lingerie. He wasn’t embarrassed, but ashamed.
“If we are going to learn how to cope with two women in the home, it’s probably a good idea if one of them isn’t still hiding in the closet, sweetie.” She walked around again and stood in front of him. He put his head down, but a moment later felt her hand lift his chin gently.
“I don’t know what you are, John, but I know who you are.”
“If……you know….” His face grew darker.
“I know how my mother feels about stuff like this,” she said as she patted his chest softly.
“But I’m the one who loves you. And we’re in this together no matter how screwy it may feel.” She shook her head as he lowered his once more.
“No….you know what I mean? It’s not every day a barely-married wife learns that she’s not the only bride in the household. I haven’t stopped loving you. That will never happen. And I still like you.”
“I don’t understand..”
“Unconditional love, babe. It’s what makes the world go round. But two people in love should like each other as well. You know? Like… I find your taste in clothes… appealing. Not quite what I would have expected, but then I get all my info from TMZ and US Weekly, you know. I didn’t know …Oh hell, I don’t much like wearing a dress around the house, so why the hell would I think you would except for what I see on television.” She stepped back and surveyed his clothing.
The shirt was really more like a man’s polo shirt but for the buttons on the left; almost a charcoal grey that was open enough to reveal the top of the bra. She glanced at her own shirt which matched save for the color; mint green. And they both wore khaki slacks and pink sketchers.
“I just want you to feel at home…our home, John.” She smiled and titled her head one last time to review her handiwork; tapping the comb on her cheek while uttering the obligatory ‘hmmmm.’ The blush in his cheeks was softened by the tears that streamed freely. She leaned close and put her lips to his left ear.
“No more shame, John. Okay?” She kissed his cheek and stepped back; pulling him to his feet.
“I’ve got a new recipe for mac and cheese I saw on the Sandra Lee’s web page. And since you’re the cook in the house, I figured you might like to try it out for our first meal together?” She grabbed his right hand and led him into the kitchen.
“Here…. Let’s start this off right?” She pulled open the fridge and grabbed two bottles of Pumpkin Ale.
“To the women of Rowan Place, yes?” She clinked her bottle against his and took a swig. He took a sip and placed the bottle on the counter.
“I can’t” he said, shaking his head. He went to turn but she grabbed both of his hands in hers and pulled him close.
“No running away, John. It’s not good to give up when you’re so close….” She looked at him up and down.
“Nobody needs to know for now, okay? But I know you. And now that everything finally makes sense, you won’t be stopping at this. And that’s okay.”
“This is not real,” she said as she put her hand under his shirt and grabbed his faux breast.
“But it doesn’t have to stay that way. You don’t have to stay this way. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, because whatever you do is just fine with me. I just don’t want to lose you to someone’s stupid ideas of who we should be. And you already knew I liked girls before we married. So now I get to like one girl in particular. Surprise, surprise!” She laughed. And then suddenly she began to cry.
“Do you know how much it hurt that you didn’t trust me? That you kept this secret all this time?” She shook her head as he went to hug her. She put her hand out.
“No…let me finish. I married you. Not someone else. Not something else. I married you. The only thing that’s changed is you’re standing here in our kitchen at 9:18 on a Thursday night and the worst thing I can think of is that I don’t know your fucking name!” She was laughing and crying at the same time.
“So the only condition you’ll ever get out of me from here on in, light of my life, is that I get to pick your new name, since you told me you didn’t even know what it was yourself…. How f….how sad is that? You were so afraid from God only knows when that you didn’t even have the strength…. “ Carol took another swig of ale and continued; cutting him off again.
“I’m almost done. My mother is a pain in the ass even if I love her dearly, but she loves you. And I’m so angry at what your father did to you…. To be so harsh…so fucking cruel. To kill the spirit in you. Well he’s dead and my mother is going to learn to like you just the way you are. So I get to pick the name...
Taken by the crowd a tide
It's there then gone do or die
Stranger, I dream of you and
Stranger, I will never know
“I’m sorry Carol. I never meant to hurt you.”
“Well, I know that!” Her sarcasm was tempered by her tears and the same loving smile she wore every day of their lives.
“You….I’m so….”
“NO MORE FUCKING SHAME!” She threw her bottle of ale blindly. It caromed off the cabinet by the stove and thunked against the back door.
Wilder, than I've known before
Fire rushes through
Every vain
With a smile that sings
You'll be killing me tenderly
“You are mine….I don’t know what to call you. I still haven’t even figured out how that all works, but I know you and who you are. I have never met a kinder, more caring soul. You’ve helped me become more complete just by loving me. Now I get to return the favor. So….”
She stepped back and looked at him; shaking like a leaf. Another time and place would have earned him the title ‘milquetoast,’ but there wasn’t a ‘him’ to label
“Jean or Jeannie… all that makes sense since Johnis a gift… to me…. To my mother? Hell, even to your mom though I don’t think she’s ready for the gift wrapping. But John…Jean? Too predictable. What goes with Rowan…. Something that suits you?”
Carol’s spouse was about to get a name, but it really wasn’t Carol’s idea. She smiled.
“You’re a blessing to me…from heaven, honey. Anna… Anna Rowan. Here and now for sure. And out there?” Carol waved at the back door.
“Someday? It’s all up to us. You to make the decision and I’ll love you no matter what. No more shame. No more fear.” She smiled. Anna’s timidity was only a bit stuck, and the gentle encouragement from who was now one of two brides began to pull her into a tentative if growing self-acceptance. Carol grabbed the hand mirror off the kitchen table and held it up.
“Tonight, it’s mac and cheese and that bottle of merlot on the counter there. After that?” Carol grinned and Anna almost slunk back nervously.
“No, silly. I meant maybe Jupiter Ascending on Demand…. Maybe after that? It’s Thursday and I already called in for tomorrow. We can do all the things you say you read about.”
“Sh….shopping?” Anna blushed.
“No, honey. Talking and grooming the dog and maybe call your therapist for an extra appointment next week where we can talk? And before you say it, yes, I know it’s not about the clothes. Although I’d love to see you in something in an emerald green?” Anna winced again.
“Emerald green cardigan over a nice ecru blouse with that calf length charcoal grey gauze skirt of mine? Maybe matching outfits. We could sit on the porch and drink wine and laugh at everyone and mess with their heads when they walk by?” Carol laughed.
Anna backed away once again and Carol matched her move and upped the ante by stepping even closer; drawing her she-husband into a hug. She kissed the newest member of the Rowan household on the cheek and whispered softly in her ear....
“Welcome home, stranger.”
Every word is soft as fur
I'm drifting deep deeper in
Stranger, will you remember
Stranger, make me remember you
Drifting Deeper In
Every word is soft as fur
I'm drifting deep deeper in
Stranger, will you remember
Stranger, make me remember you
RE-reset…. At the Rowan home, Essex Fells, New Jersey…many months later…
Anna lay on the bed. A few minutes later, a magenta and gold silk scarf encircled her head, covering her eyes while its near twin held her wrists close together; just a way to keep straying hands from ‘helping, since her wife wanted to make the focus for the next hour solely on the newness of her wife’s needs. .Anna sighed sleepily and began to approximate a contented purr.
Carol removed her left hand from between her own legs long enough to place her fingers on her lover’s lips; giving her a start. Anna raised her arms in protest but Carol pressed them down gently; holding Anna’s hands against her body. She crawled slowly up until her mouth engulfed her wife’s lips. A few seconds later, she pulled back just enough to notice the tears trickling down Anna’s face.
“Nnnnn…o,” Anna protested; turning her face to the side in shame. Carol pressed in close and resumed kissing, but slower in deference to the very real fears and shame Anna felt.
“Shhhhh….” She began kissing the woman’s tears away. Obligation and duty seemed to empower the fears, as unrealistic expectations weighed heavily on shoulders never broad enough to bear the rigor of being someone ‘else,’ so to speak. Carol knew and continued kissing.
“You….I’m so sorry,” Anna sobbed. Carol shook her head in frustration, but sat up slowly and pulled her wife into a hug; not a motherly embrace to reinforce the helplessness the newly-ordained woman, but as an equal, reminding her life-long lover of their commonality. Empowering hugs that removed every single ‘need’ for Anna to be someone she was never intended to be.
Wilder, than I've known before
Fire rushes through
Every vein
“No disappointments, my sweet lady,“ Carol said as comforting grew amorous once again. She pushed aside the silk that covered Anna’s eyes and removed the scarf from Anna’s wrists,
“Let me love you?” Carol earnestly requested in a tone just a bit above a whisper. She once again placed her hand on her sex, but also guided Anna’s right hand to her own but newly formed slit. A moment later the two were kissing each other’s fingers,
“No..oooo,” Anna protested; one last remnant of self-hatred and its twin unworthiness. Carol put her hand over Anna’s mouth; only this once and gently.
“Shhhhh… I decided that I love you. You can say no to what you don’t like or want, but never again - Please never deny how much I love you and how much we deserve this.” She leaned closer and resumed kissing Anna; inviting the passion to come out of her wife to play. And passion led to new expression which led to freedom.
Carol fell back and pulled Anna down and over as she settled into comfortable ease; ministering with her tongue even as Anna accepted the invitation to reciprocate. Weeping gave way to ecstatic tears which eased into giggles and full-out laughter as defenses were swept away in exploration and fulfillment….
A short while later….
Anna walked out of the bathroom; briskly rubbing her longer-than-ever hair with a turquoise towel. She looked up to find Carol sitting up in bed; clad in a copper satin teddy. Carol set aside the paperback she had been reading and looked over the top of her reading glasses and smiled,
“Hey, stranger? Anymore at home like you?” she laughed softly. Unlike the tropes of recently more relevant fiction Anna still tended to cover only her bottom half; leaving newly sensitive if preciously small breasts ex-posed to the cool of the bedroom. And that led to the rose-like color of pert nipples. Anna quickly covered her chest even as her face darkened in fresh embarrassment.
“Oh, honey? I kinda like the old way,” Carol laughed as she patted the pillow beside her. That tears began to spill would normally not be a surprise. All tropes aside, so to speak; Anna had always been a ‘crybaby’ growing up, But it was Carol who began to bawl very happy tears as Anna abandoned caution and the final vestiges of shame and doubt. She dropped both towels to the floor; revealing all without shame. A moment later she was back in bed, wearing only a smile that sang them both to sleep….
Born a mystery
You're the in between
Boy or girl
All selections performed by Alison Goldfrapp and Will Gregory
Alvar
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AoYNxJhpXss
Clay
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVnWQtyJgHI
Jo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_BpEL1IDr4
Drew
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCzoTQqEoFg
Annabel
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Vnk_j1iKMA
Thea
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjRBYLdqyBg
Laurel
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOFMo8o2K5Q
Fly Me Away
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nHXRUlI9Ksg
Comments
1 vote?!?!?
Drea,
I can't imagine that I am the only vote for your wonderful work. Perhaps others do as I and wait until they are in a spot where they can have a good cry. Either way thank you for writing this. You always touch my heart.
Abby
Scored and Stored...
The only thing worse than getting half way through one of Drea's amazing tales and being interrupted by joyful family noise is trying to fix smudged nail polish and being interrupted by joyful family noise!!! :D
More!
Get your act together and write more often. Just let me know when you're going to post so that I can get a truckload of Kleenex in!
Sooo...
Drea's tales are always worth the reread!!! And I enjoyed the reread...yet again!!!