“Yeah, I have some concerns,” I said, raising my hand, though it was kind of a moot point. Melissa kind of looked at me blankly.

“Oh, yeah, what’s up Todd?” She set capped her marker and set it down on the whiteboard tray, crossing her arms and leaning against the desk at the front of the room.

“It’s just…Tiffany has a song to sing in Act 2, right? The um...oh what was it..'On my Own'. She hasn’t shown up for the last two practices, does she even know the song? I mean…I know she's good with her mouth but-”

“I’m going to bring that up to her,” Melissa nodded. “But I also have some reservations because we can’t find anyone else to play Eponine. No one wanted to do it. Kind of weird but…”

“There are literally thousands of people in this school,” I shot back. “Just…grab one.”

“Guys, we’re going to call it a day here,” Melissa nodded to the theater group who breathed a sigh of relief and stood from their desks, exiting the room as fast as they could. I remained in my seat, my chin resting on my fist as I started at Melissa. She stood from the desk and very quietly made her way toward me. I started to tense up, was she going to kill me? To my surprise, she reached her hand out and smiled. “Come on, I want to show you something.”

I blinked for a moment, confused, but I took her hand and stood from the desk. We made our way to the front of the classroom and then across the hall, into the auditorium. I squinted as my eyes were forced to adjust to the light change; it was always dark in here. I fact, in all the times I’d been here I don’t think I’d ever actually seen the place with the lights on.

We walked past the red theater seating, toward the massive wooden stage and took a left turn at the front row. She led me onto the stage and checked a few times to make sure I was still following. All I could focus on was her damn turtleneck sweater. I seriously loved the way that thing fit on her and I was so jealous of her having a body like that. As always, though, I felt like it was something I couldn’t bring up with her. Dammit. Why couldn’t I have just been a girl? God, why did I have to keep thinking about it? It wasn’t helping. The thoughts left my mind momentarily when we reached the back of the stage and she led me through a small door. I’d never been back here.

“Check this out, right through here,” She said. “It’s the costume room, we have a ton of stuff back here.

She wasn’t wrong, the place was huge. Hugely disorganized that is. There were tons of costumes, all hanging on racks, all labeled from ‘Sci-Fi’, to ‘Victorian’, and, ‘modern’, and just about anything else you could imagine. It kind of looked like a thrift store. She smiled softly and led me over to one of the ‘Victorian’ racks. On it were some of the most beautiful dresses I’ve ever seen. Not like, regular dresses, but the kind of like, the chemise and the lace-up bodice. I’d always wanted to wear one of these but they were so expensive, and it’s not like I could hide one in my dorm room. She quietly reached into the rack and pulled one of the corset-dresses and held it out in front of her.

“What do you think?” She asked me. I wasn’t sure what she meant.

“I’m not sure what you mean,” I echoed my thoughts, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the dress. I mean if we’re going to be honest I kind of like corsets; I liked the way they pressed and shaped the body, and I liked how difficult they could be to remove. They felt…so permanent.

“I mean, do you want to wear it?” She cocked her head and smiled a bit more. What did she even mean by that?

“I…guess?” I murmured a bit, suddenly redirecting my gaze to the concrete floor. I wasn’t even sure what I was supposed to do here. I knew she was clued in on my little secret but I didn’t know how much I was supposed to talk about it with her.

“You can,” She said. “Well I mean you could try it on right now if you want, but I mean in the play. You don’t have to, but we could make you over easily, no one would be able to tell the difference. You’d just be an extra you know what? On the off chance someone does figure it out you can just tell them there was a balance issue between the male and female actors. It’s theater, no one cares.”

“I…I don’t know,” I said. “It’s just, my best friend doesn’t even know. I don’t know what he’d say, I don’t know what…I…what if my parents see…”

“Are your parents going to be at the play?” She raised an eyebrow and stared intently at me, the faintest beginnings of a smirk forming on her lips.

“No,” I admitted. “They’re not even in the same state it’s just…I…I don’t…ugh…I don’t know.”

I couldn’t even keep my own words straight, how was I supposed to give an answer. All at once I realized that my impending panic attack had more to do with me not wanting to admit that I wanted to say yes. Yes, of course I wanted to be a girl in the play, of course I wanted to wear that dress, of COURSE I wanted it. Oh my god why wouldn’t I? Funny enough, when I reflected back on this incident ten years later I would realize that in these days, the biggest obstacle I faced wasn’t my parents, or Mason, or…anyone really. The biggest obstacle was my indecision. My brain was teetering on the brink of an abyss, at the bottom of which was a happy, healthy life and there would even be people there to welcome me. The only person I was waiting on was me. I just couldn’t see it.

“You don’t have to do it, obviously,” She said, maintaining that warm smile. “You can be whoever you want, you can do whatever you want, but I think it would be good for you, Audrey.”

The corners of my mouth upturned as she used my real name. I tried to hide it but I’m sure she saw it. She grinned a little bit and nodded to the dress.

“You want to try it?” She smiled again.

I stalled again. I wanted to say yes but my brain was fighting me at every turn. God, what was I even supposed to do here?

“I…” I started to say, then stumbled again “…can I? It…would be okay?”

“Of course it would be okay,” She smiled. Holding the dress aside, she wrapped an arm around me and pulled me in, hugging me as tightly as she could with one arm. I tensed up; I wasn’t really sure what to do here. “It’s just you and me here, and you’re always Audrey to me, okay?”

“Okay,” I whispered, setting my head on her shoulder.

“What the hell did those GAT girls do to you to make you so afraid, anyway?” She kind halfheartedly laughed, though it made me think a bit about the last few weeks. Yeah, things had been a little crazy. “Well, whatever, there’s a dressing room over here, you want me to come in with you? Actually yeah, I’ll help you lace up the bodice.”

We crossed the room, ducking between racks of clothes and taking more left turns than a NASCAR driver on a Sunday, finally coming to a dressing room cordoned off only by a tacky green shower curtain. You know, for one of the best publicly funded universities we sure sucked at basic amenities sometimes.

“In you go!” She giggled, practically pushing me. The inside of the dressing room was deceptively large, covered in white drywall and sporting a full length mirror beside a bench.

“Okay, um…what do I do?” I know it was a stupid question, but I kind of had no idea where to start. “Do I just…undress in front of you?”

“Yep!” She said. “We’re both girls, right? It’s pretty normal. Also, this is theater, we strip down in dressing rooms all the time. Just pretend you're getting ready for a show.”

It’s hard to explain but I actually felt just fine getting undressed in front of her. It should have been weird but I guess I felt…safe. I’d gotten to know her pretty well in the last week I guess, though only from afar as she helped us get ready for the play. Now here I was stripping down in a dressing room with her. How weird was that? It didn’t feel weird at all.

“H’okay,” She said as I dropped the last of my clothes on the floor, save for my boxers. “Bra and breast forms, put these on. You don’t need them, but if you put this dress on and don’t fill it out you’re just going to be sad, okay?”

I giggled a little bit as I slid into the padded bra she handed me. She wasn’t wrong. She then handed me a pair of silicone breast forms that she must have picked up from elsewhere in the dressing room. I could only imagine that there were a bunch of them in a box, somewhere in here.

“Good to go,” She grinned at me. “Okay, we start with the chemise, it’s basically a nightgown but once we pair it with the over-dress and the bodice, it’s a pretty sexy number.”

As we went, she explained each piece of the outfit to me until we finally got to the bodice which she slid easily over my head and laced up snugly. It felt…amazing. That’s the only way I know how to put it. I loved the restrictive feeling it thrust upon me, I don’t know…that’s probably a little bit weird, isn’t it? She finally turned me around, letting me face the mirror and get a look at myself. I wasn’t wearing makeup so I didn’t exactly look feminine, but my body looked and felt amazing. The trumpet sleeves hung to my knees, and the bodice forced my waist to conform to an hourglass shape. I stared at myself in the mirror for the lonest time, wishing for only one thing: That my body could look like this all the time. A fantasy that could never be, but a fantasy that I had nonetheless.

“It was Sakiya’s idea,” Melissa said. “I talked to her the other day, she thought you should play yourself in the play, or at least a girl. You want to transition, we know you do, you said it, pretty much, and if you decide to take the leap, just know that there are a lot of people behind you. You’re not the first trans girl to come out at Woodcrest and I know that doesn’t make it any easier for you but we will do our best to make sure it’s not hard, okay? Now come on, give me a hug girlie.”

“I…” I said as I returned her embrace. “Yes, I want to play a girl…in the play. I just can’t let anyone find out okay?”

“Deal.”