Chapters 11-12

Chapter 11

Amanda helped Nicole carefully fold her clothes into the suitcase.

"The last time we rode on a plane was the trip back from Boston," Amanda said.

Nicole remembered the trip well. She was leaving a nightmare of a life behind.

She was scared. She had no idea what her life ahead would be like.

It turned out to be her great escape.

This trip seemed to be almost as scary. A conference for transgendered children and their families was something Nicole was looking forward to.

But she didn't know how much the conference would impact her life.

"It will be an adventure, I'm sure," Amanda said. "I guess we've packed everything."

"They're here!" Amber said, running into the room.

They were riding to the airport with Gina, Sam and Luke. Sara and Julia were riding, too.

It would be a bit crowded on the way to the airport, but to Nicole it seemed to make things more fun.

"Did you bring your CDs?" Sara asked when Nicole climbed into SUV.

"Yup," she said.

"I brought mine, we should have a lot to listen to," Sara said.

"Just don't listen to them so loud," Gina said. "So how are you doing, Mandy?"

"Doing fine," Amanda said. "It's just been like a mad house. I dropped Kayla off at mom's last night. I had to make sure Nikki and Amber packed everything they needed."

Like Nicole, she was a little apprehensive about the trip. But she looked forward to talking with parents who were going through the same thing.

"So what's it like?" Amanda asked.

"Well, it's always a pretty eye-opening trip," Gina said. "They have seminars on what our children are going through. They're really helpful in helping you make decisions about your child. The best part, really, is meeting other families and hearing their stories. They've really encouraged us. I'm sure they'll encourage you."

Sam spent most of his time texting friends he hadn't seen since the last conference. He was also texting friends from his school who were also going.

"I've told them my girlfriend was coming," Sam joked with Nicole.

"You're girlfriend is coming?...I'm looking forward to meeting her," Nicole teased back.

That brought a giggle from Sara.

"I wonder if I'm going to feel like a third wheel," Sara said.

"A third wheel, where did you hear that kind of talk?" Julia asked her daughter.

"I dunno, probably from you," Sara said.

"Sometimes, I think they act too grown up," Amanda said.

Nicole put her arm around Sara, "Don't think of yourself as a third wheel. I'm glad you're coming."

"I think I'm the one who is going to feel like a third wheel," Sam joked.

"You probably will, cuz," Sara chimed in. "We girls like to stick together. Besides, you're the one who already has friends who will be there. Nikki doesn't."

"I'm sure Nikki will make lots of new friends there," Gina said. "Sam did at his first conference."

That maybe true, Nicole thought, but Sara was her best friend. She was glad she was going to be there.

*****

The hotel was really nice. The rooms were spacious. There was an indoor pool, workout room and hot tubs. There were even places to shop.

"You don't have to leave the hotel unless you want to," Gina said. "The conference organizers really do it up right."

"Oh no, we're going out during the breaks," Amanda said. "The girls have never been to San Francisco. I want them to see the sites."

Nicole, in fact, had already made her list. The Golden Gate Bridge, Alcatraz and riding trolleys were high on the list.

"It's going to be really cool," she said. "You guys have got to go with us."

"Mom said we were," Sara said.

"It's time to go down to registration," Gina said.

There were about 100 transgendered children attending the conference. They were all in different stages of transition. Some were just starting the journey. Others were nearing completion, with older teens already on hormones and awaiting surgery once they were old enough. A few post-op college students also attended the conference.

They ranged in age from preschool to high school. There were a few transboys like Sam. Most were male-to-female children like Nikki.

"You must be Nikki?" a girl around 16 said at the table.

"Yes, I am," Nicole said.

"I'm Lara, your group leader," she said. "I've heard so much about you from Sam."

They were divided into different groups, mainly by age and by gender. There were also groups for supporting siblings. Sara, Amber and Luke were assigned to those.

The parents had a choice about which seminars to attend. Amanda, Gina and Julia stuck with each other.

The speakers at the conference were a varied group. Some of the speakers were post-op success stories. Many of them transitioned while children like those attending the conference.

There were also psychologists, physicians, educators, advocates and even law enforcement officials attending the conference. Some were also among the featured speakers.

There were "shock and scary" seminars at the conference as Amanda called them. Parents and children alike attended some of them.

One dealt with hate crimes against transgendered children and teens. There were the tragic stories of the tender souls who were murdered. Some of the speakers testified of harassment and bullying.

The purpose of such seminars was to make parents aware of the danger signs. Another seminar dealt with depression and suicide.

"It's a bit scary, don't you think," Amanda said. "It's a mother's worst nightmare."

"I know," Gina said. "But we've got to be aware of what's going on."

The vast majority of the seminars were positive and uplifting. Some of them dealt with the need to develop a support system of family and friends, those who would help a transgendered child gain acceptance.

Julia was complimented by several parents for her support of Gina and Sam. She was praised for bringing Sara along.

Amanda enjoyed hearing the success stories of those who had transitioned. They came from nearly every walk of life. One speaker was an attorney. Another was a well known surgeon. One was an engineer.

"I needed to hear this," Amanda said. "So does Nikki."

Some were married and brought spouses. Some had stepchildren or were able to adopt.

"A normal life is what I want for Nikki," Amanda confided.

Nicole liked the time the girls in her group had among themselves. She loved hearing about their stories.

Lara's was the one that was closest to her heart. Lara story was somewhat similar.

She grew up in a religious family. Her parents completely rejected her desire to become a girl, at least at first.

Her father, a preacher, physically abused her to keep her from acting like a sissy. Finally, her mother started to come around. Her parents divorced. Her father's family eventually disowned them.

But her relationship with her mother grew. Her mother started letting her wear girls clothes when she was 8. She started living as a girl full time at 10. They moved to another community where no one knew that she wasn't born a girl.

She was a very beautiful girl. Her interests were similar to Nicole's. She liked to dance. She even danced the role of Clara in the Nutcracker at her ballet school. She went to public school and was even a cheerleader.

Only a few school officials knew that she was transgendered. A few parents went into an uproar when they found out a "boy" was attending their school as a girl. But no one knew it was her.

She went on dates a couple of times, but came off as strait-laced and wanted to remain a virgin until marriage. That way no one ever questioned whether Lara was the transgendered girl.

"I am afraid that people will find out its me," Lara said. "But I'm not going to get into any serious relationships until after I'm done with school. I want to be totally honest when I finally enter into a relationship."

"Any regrets?" Nicole asked her.

"None," Lara said. She was totally happy living as a girl.

There was also a testimonial time when all of the groups came together.

To Nicole's and Sara's surprise, Sam was one of the children sharing their stories.

"I told you he was very brave," Nicole whispered to Sara.

Sam knew he was a boy early in his life. He didn't like playing with dolls.

"That used to make me mad," Sara whispered to Nicole. "We were the same age. I thought it was neat I had a girl cousin. But 'she' never wanted to play anything I did."

He always wanted to play with boys' toys and activities associated boys. Sam tore off dresses his mother bought him to wear to church and school.

"It used to drive me crazy," Gina whispered to Amanda.

Sam insisted he was a boy in preschool and kindergarten. He always wanted to wear boys clothes. He didn't want to have long hair.

"He would rip bows and barrettes out of his hair," Gina said. "I couldn't put anything in it."

At first Sam's insistence he was a boy was dismissed as him being a "tomboy."

"In that sense, I think transboys have it a little easier when they are younger," Gina said.

But Sam's persistence began to raise eyebrows. Gina thought therapy, hoping it would work.

The diagnosis that he was a transgendered child was not welcomed with open arms by his family. Most shunned them, especially when Gina made the decision to support Sam. There was some applause in the audience when Sam said his aunt Julia stood by him and his mom.

Julia smiled and blushed and waved when she was acknowledged.

Sam told of stories of being bullied. But he also told stories of his acceptance, especially when his mother found a private school where he was accepted for who he was.

"You should really be proud of him," Julia said.

"I am sis," Gina whispered back.

There was a little talent show at the end of the final program of the day. Some of the kids sang. Lara danced a ballet solo in a fancy tutu.

"Wow, she's beautiful," Sara whispered to Nicole.

"I wished I could dance like that," Nicole said, mesmerized by her new friend dancing en pointe.

There was some time for touring. Nicole really enjoyed the beauty of the city. Returning to the hotel was pretty fun too.

They had a pizza and pool party at night. Nicole and Sara had matching bikinis. Sam was being a "typical boy," popping them both with a towel as they walked down the hallway heading for the pool.

They both turned around and stuck their tongues out at him. All three of them laughed. Sara and Nicole dove into pool, joining Lara and a few other girls who were already taking a dip.

Sam did his cannonball, which announced his presence in a very wet way.

"Stop it cuz!" Sara said after being splashed.

"That's okay, he's really having fun," Lara said.

Most of the parents sat by the poolside getting acquainted.

"I'm Marie," Lara's mom said as she joined Amanda, Gina and Julia at a table.

"They're really having fun," Gina said, pointing to the kids.

"Amanda, your Nikki is a very beautiful girl," Maria said.

They swapped stories as the children enjoyed themselves. For many of the children, it was the most peaceful time they've had in a while.

"Tell me, did you ever lament losing the children you thought your children were?" Marie said. "I have to admit, I really missed that little boy I once had when Lara started to live fulltime as a girl."

"I have to admit, I missed having a daughter, even one who did not want to be one," Gina said.

"I believe I'm lucky," Amanda said. "I only knew Nikki when she was little, back when she was my 'little brother'. I really didn't get a chance to know her that much as a boy. When I gained custody, the girl inside Nikki was already screaming to come out. I never really had her as a boy. I wouldn't have her any other way."

"I wouldn't have Lara any other way either," Marie said. "I'm proud of the beautiful daughter I have now."

"I feel the same way about Sam," Gina said.

****

"You look very nice, very proper," Amanda said, looking at Nicole as she came down the stairs.

They'd been back from the conference for about a week. They were going on a tour of Royal Hills Academy, the private school Sam attended. The fact that the school was tolerant of children who varying sexual orientations was one reason the school was appealing.

The fact that it was a prep school with high academic standards was another reason Amanda found the school appealing. Both Nicole and Amber were going to tour the school, as was Sara and Julia.

It was a pristine place. It seemed almost like a small university, a very stately place.

The students dressed uniforms. The boys in shirts, ties and slacks. During cooler weather, they were expected to wear jackets.

The girls wore plaid skirts to go along with blouses that matched the shirts the boys wore. They also wore jackets when it was cooler.

"The transgendered students are expected to wear the uniform of the gender they identify with," said Elizabeth Adams, the school counselor who was giving the tour.

"Well, we would be wearing the same uniform," Sara said to Nicole.

"That would be cool," Nicole said. "But if we end up both going here, what about Meredith?"

"I'd miss her, but we'd still see her in dance class," Sara said.

Dance class would be another dilemma if Nicole chose to become a girl fulltime. Attending a school where she was supposed to be accepted was one thing. Would they allow her to do so at a dance school without creating an uproar?

"Yeah, I guess," Nicole said. "But I feel like we're leaving her out in some way."

She still worried about how her friend would react once she found out Nicole was transgendered.

But she also remembered Dr. Dornan's words. "Would she be a real friend if she couldn't accept you for who you really are?" she remembered Andrea saying.

"Hey you guys!" was a shout from down the hallway of one of the building they toured.

It was Sam.

"I wondered if we would see you here," Nicole said.

"I hope you guys come to school here," Sam said. "It would really be cool."

"I'm sure they would like being at the same school with you same," Amanda said. "We'll have to see."

"You know a lot of the things you couldn't do at a public school, you could do here," Ms. Adams said as she continued the tour. "You could be a cheerleader. You could be on a dance team. You could play on a girls' sports team. We're in a private school conference, so there isn't a rule against it."

"My mother said you have a good dance program," Sara said.

"Several of our graduates have gone on to dance for professional
companies," Ms. Adams said.

"I've heard several of your students have also gone on to Ivy League schools," Amanda said.

"Yes, several of our graduates are accepted at Ivy League schools each year," Ms. Adams. "Others end up at Stanford, Duke, Vanderbilt or Notre Dame."

"That's mom," Nicole said. "She's already plotting my college career. She even mentioned me going to Wellesley."

"We have graduates at Wellesley, too," Ms. Adams said.

Chapter 12

"Mom, can you come here a minute?" Nicole said as she struggled to latch on the bra strap.

"What's a matter, need help?" Amanda asked.

"Yes, I do," she before Amanda hooked it up.

"Nervous about your first day?" Amanda asked.

"A little," Nicole said as she tried to brush her hair just right.

"I'm sure it will be fun," Amanda said.

It was going to be a bit liberating. She could openly be Nicole. But she still had butterflies.

Nicole put on the headband. She long for the day her hair was long enough to be braided. She carefully applied the nail polish. Her butterfly earrings sparkled in the sunlight coming in from the window.

"I've got something for you," Amanda said. She pulled out a small box with a bow.

It contained a heart-shaped locket.

"Oh mom, it's beautiful, thanks," she said as Amanda put it around her neck.

"You need to get dressed," Amanda said. "Sara's mom will be here any minute. You also need to get breakfast."

Nicole put on the skirt she was required to wear, then the blouse, pulling the locket over it. She pulled up the matching socks.

She looked in the mirror. It was a different look indeed.

She grabbed her backpack and slowly walked down the stairs. Amber was already at the table, dressed in the exact same uniform, right down to the headband. Nicole wondered if she would be made fun of since her little sister was dressed completely like her. That included the earrings.

It didn't matter to her. She and Amber had a bond. The earrings was a connection she didn't think anyone would understand.

"You look very nice," Amanda said. "Both of my girls do."

"What about me?" little Kayla asked plaintively.

"I didn't forget about you, doodlebug," Amanda said.

"You look very cute, doodlebug," Nicole said. "Mom was just talking about how nice Amber and I looked in our school uniforms."

"Can I get me a school uniform, too, like Nikki and Amber?" Kayla asked.

"When you are old enough," Amanda said. "But don't grow up too soon. I mean that for all of you."

"We'll try not to grow up too fast for you," Nicole said just before the moment the horn sounded from Sara's mom's SUV.

Nicole and Amber finished off breakfast, grabbed their backpacks and went rushing out the door. A new adventure had begun.

*****

"I talked to Meredith, she thinks we're both betraying her by switching schools," Sara told Nicole on the ride to school. "I told her it was our moms' idea. I told her that they both want us to go to real fancy colleges."

That was partly the truth, Nicole said. It was most of the truth for Sara. Her mother was really impressed by the school's academic reputation.

"Meredith may find out pretty soon about me," Nicole told Sara. "Mom is going to tell Madame Ruth about me. If there is any problem, I'll just stop taking classes there."

"At least then, she'll know," Sara said. "I think she'll be okay with it. It may take her some time."

"I hope so," Nicole said. "I'm tired of pretending to be Nicholas. But I do want her to be my friend. But if she's not, this will still be worth it."

"How do you feel about finally getting to be a girl at school?" Sara asked.

"I finally get to be myself," Nicole replied. Deep down, she was extremely glad Sara was going. She felt she needed to have a friend close by.

Of course, Sam would be there. But her relationship with Sara was much different.

They compared class schedules. They were in every class together, including P.E. They both looked forward to taking French and art, even though they would be a little behind.

The school put a large emphasis in the arts, another reason why their mothers liked the school so much.

Both were also going to be taking dance classes, which was another passion they shared.

Their first day turned out to be pretty hectic. Finding lockers and finding classes were at the top of their lists.

Sam popped up to ever be the gentleman and showed them where everything was. Even though he was in his element, he was extremely glad his two best friends were now going to school with him, including one that he had a crush on.

Most of the classes weren't too difficult. They were in the same level classes they were in at Franklin Middle School. Most of the classes were about at the point where they were before they transferred.

French was a little bit of a challenge, but their teacher, Madamoselle Reide was quiet helpful. She offered to tutor both girls to help them catch up.

"Je suis Americaine," Sara told Nicole as they skipped along to their next class, P.E.

"Vous allex au cinema," Nicole said back to her.

"I wished we were going to the movies," Sara giggled.

Nicole was assigned a special lockerroom for P.E., much like Sam told her he was assigned. She thought she was alone as she pulled on her "Royal Hills Girls P.E. t-shirt and pulled on her shorts.

"You must be Nikki," said a girl who came up and sat down beside her.

"I'm Karen," she said. "It will be nice to have another girl like me in class."

Karen told Nicole there were three other "T-girls" at the school, one about Amber's age and two others in high school. There were three "transboys" including Sam.

"How do they treat us here?" Nicole asked.

"Like normal people," Karen said as they walked inside the gym.

Each girl in the class was assigned a place in one of the lines they sat in. Since Nicole and Sara were just starting, they were at the very end of the line they were assigned to.

"Today is field hockey day," Coach Henderson said as they went out to the stadium behind the gym.

"How do you play field hockey?" Sara asked Nicole.

"I have no clue," Nicole said.

"We'll teach you ladies," Coach Henderson said before they took the field.

Ladies–it had a good ring to it. It was the first time Nicole had been called a lady outside of family, friends and a therapist.

It turned out to be a learning experience, and a little fun. It made it interesting the Sam and the boys' P.E. class were playing soccer. Nicole distracted her friend by waving to him, which made the ball go shooting past him.

"Sam has a crush on Nikki," Sara told one of the girls in the class.

Nicole blushed. She didn't want to admit she had feelings for him, too.

"Oh he's just a friend," Nicole told Karen.

*****

Nicole was a little nervous as she pulled her leotard over her tights in the dressing room.

Amanda told her about the conversation she had with Madame Ruth. Madame Ruth informed parents that Nicole would be attending class for now on as a girl.

Some of the parents were as shocked as they were when Nicole showed up for the first class during the summer wearing Amber's dance clothes. A couple threatened to pull their daughters out of the class, but none did.

Madame Ruth tried to assure her there would be no problems.

"You're very brave for doing what you're doing," Madame Ruth said. "I don't want you to give up dancing. You dance so beautifully."

But Nicole couldn't also forget the conversation Meredith's mom had with Sara's mom, or Meredith's with Sara.

Meredith blamed Nicole's "condition" on the reason Sara transferred to private school. Sara insisted that wasn't the case.

The class was a bit cold, at least it seemed to Nicole, from warm-ups at the barre straight through until center work. She felt free during centre work.

The music just flowed through her.

But afterwards, she felt a cold stair from Meredith. She heard whispering from the other girls and some giggling. She knew it had to be directed toward her.

She rushed into the dressing room after the class was over. She didn't want to come out.

Sara sensed something was wrong with her friend. She went in after her.

"I felt like such a freak tonight," Nicole sobbed.

"Well, you're not," Sara said. "They're all such jerks!"

"I think I should quit," Nicole said. "Maybe I'll just take classes at school."

"You shouldn't quit," Sara said. "You're so talented. But if you quit, I quit."

Nicole did not want that to happen. This was where Sara wanted to dance. It's where all her friends were. She even didn't want to be the source of friction between Meredith and Sara.

"I can't believe you," Sara said. "After all that's happened to you tonight, and you're concerned about me."

Just then, there came a knock at the door of the dressing room.

"Can I come in?" a sad voice said. It was Meredith.

"Should I tell her to get lost?" Sara asked.

"No, what more can she do to me?" Nicole said. "She can't hurt me any worse than she already has."

Sara opened the door. Tears were flowing down Meredith's face.

"Oh Nikki, I'm so sorry," she said. "The other girls, we all are."

They didn't know how much they hurt Nicole until they saw her head to the dressing room.

"I still don't understand what you're going through," Meredith confessed. "But you've proven to me–to all of us–that you're a girl. I was more mad at you and Sara for transferring to another school. Can you ever forgive me for being so cruel?"

Sara was the one who wanted to be tough.

"She has a right to be mad at you for as long as she likes," Sara stated.

After what Sam had gone through most of his life, it broke Sara's heart to see how people react in such a way as her friends did in class.

Tears were rolling down Nicole's face. She smiled. "I can't stay mad at you," she said, and Meredith gave her a big hug.

Nicole was shocked when she walked out of the dressing room. The rest of the girls in the class were lined up. Most had tears in their eyes. They all apologized. One by one, they all gave her a hug.

Some of the parents apologized as well, including Meredith's mom, who apologized to both Nicole and Amanda.

"It's something that really doesn't happen a lot around here," she said. "We knew about Sam, but he doesn't live around here."

Meredith wanted to make it up to Nicole.

"Mom, would you mind if Sara and Nikki came over on Friday for a sleepover?" Meredith asked.

"That would be fine with me, but you'd have to ask Nikki and her mom," she replied.

Amanda looked at Nicole.

"It's all up to you, sweetpea," Amanda said. "If you want to go over to Meredith's house, it would be fine with me."

Nicole nodded her head yes.

"That would be nice," Nicole said.

Madame Ruth came up and talked to Amanda and Nicole before they left.

"I thought Nicole handled it as well as she could have," Madame Ruth said. "She was strong in class. She was a very beautiful dancer. I thought about giving a lecture after class was over. But the girls knew they did something wrong."

It was an interesting night. It was the first test of many Nicole would go through in her journey to become a woman.

Amanda was glad things worked out the way they did. Deep down, she feared the worst.

She was at a loss for words for what to say to her daughter.

"How did you feel when they were treating you that way," she asked Nicole.

"I was very scared," Nicole said. "They made me feel so much like a freak."

"Don't ever feel that way," Amanda said. "You are a beautiful child."

"I'll try not to mom, but it's not easy," Nicole said.

"Nothing about growing up is never easy, much less what you've got to go through," Amanda said.

Amanda couldn't fathom what Nicole was going through. How could she? Compared to Nicole, she had lived an easy life. Being the age Nicole was didn't make things any easier.

That was an age Amanda didn't want to have to go through.

Amanda admired Nicole's strength.

There were times when Nicole seemed very gentle, very fragile. That was the child Amanda picked up in Boston a few weeks ago.

There were times, like that night, that Nicole seemed as strong as rock.

She knew she had to be strong as a rock for her daughter, especially during the times that Nicole seemed so fragile.