Chapter 21

In much better spirits, trying my best not to let myself spiral again thinking about Jen, I took my possessions to my new room. The bed was piled high with clothes and shoe boxes. I had to check that I had the right room. Laura just smiled at me and told me this was the result of our shopping trip. It was now my job to take the tags off everything and hang it up in the wardrobe. She also wanted me to practice wearing the heels and asked if I would like a few suggestions in deportment. I said yes and then had to sneak away to look up deportment. I think she is taking this feminine thing a bit too far, but her heart is in the right place and I struggle to say no to her.

That evening we had dinner, just the four of us at the dining room table. Maria cooked for us as usual, but for whatever reason never sat down and ate with us. I don't think that it was because she wouldn't be welcome, more of a case that she wanted to keep her distance. Eve told us that she had managed to arrange for us to visit the principle of the high school on Monday, with a provisional start on Tuesday. They had managed to enter me on the system as a foreign exchange and would change it when the appropriate paperwork caught up.

Tomorrow they had managed to book me an appointment with a Psychologist. The first session was going to be more of an evaluation. Considering my history, they wanted to make sure that my night terrors were not associated with my previous diagnosis of Gender dysphoria. When I was researching I found so many different names for the same thing, I wondered if different doctors called it different things. Anyway, not something that I was looking forward to. At least Gem had already contacted my relatives in England and knew who my therapist was. I could pretend to know who had been treating me. My concern about tomorrows session, in combination with my heartbreak about my change in relationship with Jen, meant that I was expecting a bad night. I was glad that I was in my own room and each room was quite spacious. I just hoped that if I did scream it wouldn't wake anybody else up.

That was not to be. I woke up to the sound of my own scream. I think I even whimpered a few times. My door opened quickly and I presumed Gem got into bed with me and held me. Looking back there were some tell tale differences. She murmured reassurances, but not the usual ones and the hug and spoon felt off. At the time I was in such a state that all I knew was someone caring and female was comforting me. I found out in the morning that it was Laura. As to how they heard me, they had placed a fricken baby monitor outside my door. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I saw it. Not that I immediately knew what it was, but I was curious about this object just outside my door. When I picked it up any noise I made caused it to light up and when I looked at the small print on the back it identified itself as a baby monitor.

It also made me glad that I hadn't tried masturbating yet. I had been debating it. I had some pleasant sensations when washing and just wasn't quite at ease enough with myself to start down that road. Now I laughed with the thought of them catching me at it. That was definitely going to be off the list for awhile.

I could be upset about the invasion of privacy and I would be if they had caught me in some humiliating way. I could see, however, that they were just trying to look after me and last night I was freaked out enough that I really appreciated their efforts. The fact that it was Laura was quite heart warming. I knew her the least and I knew that Gem needed the sleep, so I was grateful rather than distressed. I sneaked out to the lounge, trying to leave Laura to sleep in.

I opened up my laptop and sent Jen a long email. I knew that our conversation yesterday had been strained and I hated that. So I wrote from my heart, telling her that I had been upset because a cherished dream had been broken, but I realised this gave me the opportunity to create a new dream where both my sister and myself found and shared in each others happiness. I asked her, begged her, really, to share everything with me and I would do the same with her. If we were going to be sisters, I wanted to be the best damn sister I could be.

Maria always has Sunday off as she is quite religious and usually one day during the week, but is quite flexible. This meant we had to sort ourselves out for breakfast. Laura was the next to wake up and she decided to cook breakfast, so I did my best to help her. They had a proper coffee machine, where you just put the correct sachet in the top and pressed a button. Pretty soon after the bacon started frying, Gem and Eve made an appearance. I took their drink orders and delivered them to the dining table.

After breakfast I had to get ready for my therapist. I think Laura was delighted that I asked for her advice as to what to wear. To be honest, it was a strategic decision. Gem, I am sure has good taste, but she twenty years older than me so her knowledge of teen fashion is going to be limited. Eve likes expressing herself, but is clearly not interested in dressing up. Laura is only ten years older than me, is always very careful about what she wears and spent a whole day with me, being lectured by Daphne as to what was appropriate. It also gave me the opportunity to thank Laura for last night. When I did that, I think I was feeling a little ashamed and couldn't lift my eyes to her, until she put her finger under my chin and forced me to. Then she made sure to keep eye contact and said “you're welcome”.

She first asked about how comfortable I was with dresses and skirts. I replied that I was better than I was, but not completely there yet. She loved the yet, but suggested that for a therapist visit, I should start in my comfort zone, so she picked out a pair of jeans, a pretty bra and pantie set, a lilac top, white socks and pink sneakers. Clearly female without being too feminine. I presented myself to her after my shower, styling my hair and getting dressed for a final check, she then led me back to her walk in robe and put on some mild makeup. A touch of mascara, blusher and lipstick. Then she said I was done.

I thought we were going to have to drive to see this doctor. Instead he came to visit us. Gem and I waited in the waiting lounge for him to arrive and then answered the door when he did. Dr Rose was a big guy, over six foot and solid with it. I realised immediately that this was not going to work. Through no fault of his own, he triggered my anxiety. I wasn't at panic levels, but the closer he was to me the more uncomfortable I felt and I certainly wasn't going to be able to relax and open up to him. I didn't want to be rude, so I thought I would have to tough out this session and then speak to Gem afterwards.

I was given a questionnaire and left Gem to discuss my issues while I filled it out in another room. I had seen similar ones on the net when I was researching transgenderism. I can't deny I thought it was a pretty pointless exercise since I knew my issues related to my attack. The only time I was stressed about my gender identity was when I was considering going through with female to male transition.

I filled it out as best I could, handed it Dr Rose and then chose the seat in the lounge furthest away from him. He then asked Gem to leave so that we could talk privately and moved so that he was much closer to me. Both actions make perfect logical sense, but my mind struggled with his actions.

I knew my posture had become a lot more defensive, my breathing was faster than I wanted and my heart rate had elevated. I tried to do some calming techniques that usually involve me closing my eyes, but, by the sound of it, he was getting irritated, thinking that I was ignoring him.

“Sss sorry dddoctor, you arrre making meee nervous.” I managed to get out.

“How am I making you nervous? I haven't done anything.” He responded. He probably said it in an ordinary tone of voice. I knew your mind can play tricks on you when adrenaline and stress hits your body. Instead, I heard anger and annoyance in his voice that made me edge more towards panic. I don't think I was capable of doing my calming exercises anymore. I couldn't close my eyes, take deep breaths and visualise a safe place. I felt an irresistible need to keep my eyes on him so I would know exactly where he was.

Something in my posture, words, expression or maybe just my eyes, allowed him to realise that he couldn't talk to me right then. He thankfully backed off a bit and pulled out his phone. I didn't concentrate on what he was saying. I was almost fixated on knowing exactly where he was and whether he was going to be moving in my direction.

A short while later, Gem and Eve came in together. Eve talked to the doctor and Gem came over to wrap me up in a hug and murmur soothing words. I couldn't really let it go until I saw Eve lead him out the room towards the exit.