Chapter 20

Laura helped me touch up my makeup. I think my face still looked a fright, my eyes all puffy and red. We still had a lovely dinner, although the conversation was geared towards what happens next. Tomorrow Gem had the morning off as it was Saturday, but she needed to be in for the afternoon. The plan was to pack as much as we could that morning so that we could move in when Gem went to work.

In the meantime, Eve, who had contacts in the educational world through certain charities that she supported, was going to try and get me enrolled in the local high school called Trousdale High School. There were a heap of complications in the way, but Eve believed that I could be starting school on Monday and paperwork could follow later. That was when I discovered that the paperwork for Gem to be my legal guardian had not been completed. The authorities in the small skiing village had accepted documentation that Gem was my Aunt and that it was the will of my parents that she be my legal guardian. Having it all become official was a much more long winded process. On top of that, Gem would struggle to prove that she was a resident, so Eve was going to present herself as my guardian and we could sort out the rest later. That is not even considering the differences between my English education and the American system. On top of that I had worries about attending school as a girl and as a new girl at that.

There were a few things that I still needed. If I was going to attend high school I was going to need a school approved gym kit, a phone, handbag and purse. There was no school uniform as such. That was good and bad. Good in terms of not having to wear skirts or other items that I wasn't comfortable with yet. Bad in the sense that I would probably be judged by what clothes I wore. I was half tempted to wear the wig so that I would fit in better. Only half tempted because I would constantly worry that something would reveal its presence especially during gym class and also I didn't like the thought of doing anything just to fit in. I wanted people to accept me for who I was.

That night, our last night in the one bedroom flat, my mind was going crazy with everything that was going on, so I thought I would never go to sleep. At the same time I was really tired, both from consistently disturbed nights and crying like a baby. Despite my worries I fell asleep pretty much as soon as my head hit my pillow.

It was one of my best nights for a while. I still woke up terrified, but I don't think I screamed and Gem didn't wake up. It took me a while to calm myself down and I will admit to moving closer to Gem so that I could just feel the contact of her hands on my back. That seemed to be enough to give me reassurance and yet not disturb her sleep. When I next woke up, Gem was still asleep, so I slipped out of bed as quietly as possible.

I had wanted to phone Jen last night, but it would have been very early Saturday morning for Jen, so I put it off until this morning. I used my laptop to skype Jen and we had a long conversation. To prevent my voice from waking Gem, I put the lid down and sat on the toilet. That way I was able to close the bathroom door and hope that she wasn't disturbed. I was able to tell her about everything that had been going on. She didn't have much to tell me since nothing exciting had happened to her, but I still wanted to know. Her normalcy that she felt was boring, was soothing to me. I guess I did want a more stable, settled life at the moment.

I was able to tell her that I thought my orientation was definitely towards girls, the fact that she didn't encourage that direction to the conversation made me feel that she still fancied men, which was hardly surprising. It still saddened me and as always she could guess my emotions. It didn't seem to matter which body I was in, she could read me like a book. I could see her almost having an internal debate to work out what to tell me. In the end, she admitted that she was starting to see me as more of a sister than anything else. I didn't want to make her feel bad and I also didn't want to hold her back, so I told her I was lucky to have such a wonderful sister and that my sister needed to go on dates. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to hear all about them without twisting the knife even deeper.

She responded that I needed to do the same, which really let me know the relationship was over. She also admitted that although she was finding other boys attractive, she had no intention of having any romantic entanglements until after her exams. My heart was broken and in pieces somewhere through my feet and into the flat underneath. We finished our talk shortly after that bombshell, both trying to be supportive to each other, but both failing. I shut the laptop and crawled back into bed for a good cry. Gem woke to that and curled herself around me.

When I was a bit more recovered I told Gem what had happened. She was quiet for a while before telling me that there really wasn't anything she or anybody else could say that would make me feel better. She had a more practical solution. Keep busy, don't torture yourself with it and there was enough to do. We went out and got some boxes and then proceeded to pack up everything. I didn't have much here, so I was finished with my stuff really quickly. Gem, as organised as ever, spent the first few minutes making lists. I just did my best to follow instructions and not think of anything else. Of course that didn't completely work. Waves of sadness would hit me periodically, but that just told me I wasn't focussing on whatever task I was doing properly and I redirected my attention. We didn't have to worry about the furniture since that was all provided at Eve's place. When the truck arrived to carry it all for us, we had finished and were taking a breather. Two guys got out and moved it all for us. Half an hour later the limo arrived.

The caterers had brought lots of different hors d'oeuvres. Fancy nibbles for a fancy party. Eve, Laura, Gem and Lisa were trying them and giving opinions. I wasn't really hungry. I tried a couple that Laura enthused about, but excused myself quickly. I knew I wasn't good company, so I changed into workout clothes and hit the gym. I think I was punishing myself for feeling bad. Whenever my mind wandered in the wrong direction, I would do some gym exercise to push my limits and stop me thinking about anything else.

After an hour I was dripping with sweat and almost ready to collapse. I don't think there wasn't one part of my body that I hadn't worked to exhaustion. Even walking was a struggle. Eve came in and sat down near me.

“I'm here if you want to talk. Gem told me what happened.”

“I don't want to take you away from your wedding plans.” I told her.

She laughed. “I was finished after five minutes. I tasted each one, told them which ones I liked and which ones I didn't. Laura loves this stuff, debating which would be more suitable etc. etc. I think Gem told me to give me an excuse to get away. I was bored out of my mind. Why don't we have a sit in the hot tub and you can tell me all about it.”

We both got changed and settled into the hot water. We didn't switch the bubbles on as it made talking difficult. I didn't know what to say, so Eve decided to start us off and gave the true story of her last boyfriend. The male model called Pablo. She did ask me to keep this to myself, but apparently, she didn't dump him because he was being unfaithful with some girls in Las Vegas. He was being unfaithful with Gavin, Laura's partner. There were photos that were pretty damning. The clever photographer showed them to Laura hoping to get a reaction and more photos, instead she had bought them off him for significantly more than he would have been able to sell them to a magazine for. Gavin apologised profusely. His father would disown him if he ever found out. He pretended to be really upset and angry, but actually paid for her to go to the Mauritius with a partner as a thank you. Eve wasn't really in love with Pablo, just in lust, since he had an amazing body and a penis the size of a barge pole. Eve smiled in reminiscence. He had inspired quite a few sexy songs. The point was, that led to her having a holiday with Laura and falling in love, way deeper than she had ever been before. Was she hurt? Of course she was. Her ego took a real hit when the man she was dating needed anther man to satisfy him. However, it led to something much better. If both her and Laura were not hurt in the first place, they probably wouldn't have opened up to each other as much as they did.

“Do you still love her?” Eve asked me finally.

“Yes.” I replied.

“Love is precious and the great thing is there is no limit to it. Do you want to stop loving her?”

“No.” I took a deep breath. “I can't blame her for wanting a sister relationship rather than anything else. She has always been attracted to men and as I have moved away from a more masculine persona, I suppose it was inevitable that she would find me less attractive.” I sighed. “I want her to be happy. My biggest fear is that this will drive us apart. I want her to go on dates and then phone me all excited and tell me all about it. At the same time I am both worried that she won't do that because she doesn't want to hurt me and that she will and it breaks my heart even worse. I am a mess.” I confessed to Eve.

“Love is messy. But what you are worrying about is silly. You are scared of a future that hasn't happened yet. Why think the worst when you can imagine the best. How about this. You meet someone wonderful, fall hopelessly in love and are able to share it all with Jen. When she meets someone, she knows that she doesn't have to worry about hurting you anymore so she tells you everything and because you love someone else so much, all you feel is happiness. Doesn't that sound better?”

“Maybe.” Logically I could see where she was going, but emotionally I was struggling to get there.

“What you mean is yes, but you want to wallow in your heartbreak first. I have a solution for that.”

She did too. We got out of the hot tub and got dressed. She led me back the stage and set up the microphone. This time she also set up a stand and put an ipad on it and we spent an hour or so singing the saddest songs we could find on you tube. Sometimes I cried during the song, and my voice broke, but we didn't stop, just went to the next one and continued until I felt cried out and begged her to stop. We then went for the happiest songs we could find and spent the next hour, singing, dancing and having fun. I can't deny I did feel a lot better at the end of it. I hadn't really lost Jen. We would always be close. If I was being positive, maybe even closer, since we had more to share. It was just different to the dreams I had previously held about our relationship. I now needed to create more positive dreams for our future where we are both happy.