Chapter 13

“Now that Gem has gone I need to ask you something and I need you to be honest. We have been planning this wedding for almost a year. It is only two months away and there is going to be a lot of work to do. It is a bit of a monster. I need someone to help me, desperately, and I trust Gem, but I know that if she does this, she is not going to have a lot of time for you. When she goes through it all with Lisa she might start thinking that she can't do the job and look after you as well. I haven't been told the details, but if she needed to drop everything to be there for you, there is a good chance you really need her right now. What I am asking is, am I being really selfish? and do I need to find someone else?”

“Honest? Really honest?” She nodded solemnly. “Then yes and no.” I replied with a smile.

She thought about that for a second. “Are you calling me selfish?” She asked with an answering grin.

“Well, you did ask. Although to be fair if there was any time in your life when I would expect you to be selfish it would be a bride organising her wedding day. If there was ever a day when someone could shout this is all about me, that would be the day.”

“Wait one sec.” Eve said and jumped up and almost ran out the door. That was weird. I wasn't quite sure what I was supposed to do. Before I could get too bored she was back with a pencil and pad, writing furiously, but somehow managing a slow walk back to the lounge without hitting anything. “Sorry, that gave me an idea for a song.” When she had finished, she sat back down and looked at me. “Err..where were we?”

“I said you don't need to find anyone else. I am happy that you have hired Gem and if that means I don't see too much of her for a couple of months, I can live with that.” I replied.

“You're missing the bit where you called me selfish. I did ask for honest. Remind me to never ask you if my bum looks big.” She said with a bark of laughter, unashamedly laughing at her own joke. Then she went serious. “Are you sure?”

“Yes. I want to disrupt her life as little as possible. I already feel bad that she was fired because of me, but not too bad, since it shows she was working for the wrong company.”

“Quite right.” She squidged herself more into the lounge. “So what happened? Gem told me it had to be her to look after you as she didn't have an issue with you being transgender. Why did you change your mind?” Eve asked me. She was looking at me with a very direct stare, almost mesmerising.

I knew this question was coming. Ever since Gem had told me that Eve wanted to meet me and knew that I was trans, or at least, Richard was. I figured the best way to go was to use the truth as much as possible and add a few lies as needed. “I fell in love.” I replied.

“Ahhhh. You can't stop there. Tell me more.”

“I met Jen on the bus journey to the ski resort and it changed my life. We spent most of the first week together. She taught me that I could be whatever kind of woman I wanted, I just had to be honest with myself, forget what other people think and just find out what I enjoyed. My world shifted and has not been the same since.”

“How old are you?”

“Fifteen, sixteen in two months.” I had now memorised my birthday, so I wouldn't be caught out with that one again.

“And your parents allowed that?” She asked in surprise.

“It was all innocent. Jen actually went on holiday with her boyfriend, but separated after that bus journey. She has been honest with me. She is a smart cookie. After her exams in June she should be heading to Cambridge to study Psychology. She has always considered herself straight, and although she feels great friendship with me, is unsure whether that will translate to desire. She feels strongly enough about us that she was going to defer her entrance to Uni and spend time with me to see where our relationship went.”

“I am a bit confused. If she was straight and you fell in love with her, surely that would make you want to change sex even more, and why can't she spend time with you now?” Eve asked.

“Before we even discussed our relationship, she helped me work through whether I wanted to go through with my transition. In two months time I would be due to start testosterone and irreversible changes would start to occur, so I needed to be sure. Very sure and she helped me realise that it was not for me. I dreaded to the point of depression, the idea of the testosterone and following surgeries. At the time I still thought of myself as male, but, with her help I thought I could still be myself in a female body.”

“You don't think of yourself as male now?”

“I have stopped taking the female hormone suppressants. I went shopping and....” I paused for dramatic effect. “I liked it. I even bought something pink and thought it looked 'cute'.” I said, using my fingers to make quotation marks, an expression of fake horror on my face.“I think my supposed masculinity is being washed away in a sea of estrogen and, being honest with myself, I'm not missing it all that much.”

“Wow. I have met a few transgender individuals and they all seemed so sure of themselves. Happy to go through it all to become true to themselves.”

“I think that is the point. I needed to be that sure and I just.... wasn't.” I replied.

“And why can't Jen spend time with you now?” Eve asked.

“Well, she has exams that she has to study for, so she is going to be really busy for the next few months, but our plans for after that were based on my living in England. I can hardly invite her to come to America.”

“Wouldn't you be in school anyway? What are you doing about school?” Eve asked.

“That is a tricky question. We haven't quite worked that out yet.” I replied.

“What is tricky about it? Lay it out for me. I am a strong believer in education.”

“Gem and I have discussed it and figured there are two options. Find an appropriate school or be home schooled. We haven't quite worked out where we are going to be living yet...”

“Why don't you know where you are going to be living?” Eve asked fairly confrontingly.

“Gem is currently renting a one bedroom flat. We can share the bedroom for a while, but it is not a long term solution. Now, we know that she will be working for you for a couple of months, but after that she doesn't have a job, so exactly where we should start looking, I have no idea.”

“Hmmm.” She gave me a thoughtful expression. “I need to think about this.” Then she made a shooing hand gesture. “I will think about it later. Right now let's do something fun. Do you sing?”