Chapter 2

My memory of that night was pretty disjointed. I know Jen ordered room service and vaguely remember picking at some food, but for the life of me, I couldn't tell you what it was. I woke up with a full bladder in one of Jen's PJ's. Evidence suggested that I must of taken my clothes off and put on Jen's. My recollection about that was sadly lacking.

The clock next to the bed was showing four in the morning. My bladder was telling me that it was time to get up. I slithered out of Jen's arms and made it to the toilet. I was a bit shocked when I pulled my pants down and didn't see my normal equipment, but my biological urgency stopped me from dwelling on it. I sat down quickly and let go. I used some toilet roll to pat myself dry, not really seeing what I was doing.

I washed my hands and looked at myself in the mirror. I think I was expecting to see either an androgynous face or a vaguely masculine one. My blond hair was cut really short in a masculine style, but, other than that, I couldn't see anyway that this face could be considered anything other than beautiful and feminine. I had big blue eyes, high cheekbones, a cute nose and wide mouth with great teeth. I practised making a few faces. At least I didn't have glasses anymore.

Rather than send me into further shock, looking at my face and seeing it move as I did, helped to settle me, making me realise this face, even this body, was now me. Yesterday was the weirdest day of my life and, to be honest, I couldn't deal with it. Whether it was because of the body change, the different sex or just how tired I was after our long journey, I didn't know. Now I needed to face the music and start coping.

Initially I went back to bed. Jen was still asleep as most people should be at four in the morning, but I was too awake now. I started thinking, making plans and coming up with questions. I was too agitated to stay still and I didn't want to wake Jen, so I got up again, found a pen and paper and began writing down what I needed to do and what I needed to find out. When I had run out of my immediate musings, I got my laptop and started to sort out what I could. Then I started my research.

After a couple of hours I could feel myself getting a bit sleepy, so I shut everything down and slid back into bed. Jen murmured something and reached for me. I snuggled up to her and drifted off. I woke up some time later when Jen needed to go to the bathroom.

“How are you doing?” She asked me, when she could see that I was awake.

“Much better, thanks.”

“Do you have any questions?”

I laughed. “I have more questions than I know what to do with.”

She smiled at me. “It is good to see you in a better mood. I thought I was going to have to remind you of what you used to say to my mother when she had another job rejection.”

“Everything happens for a reason and even though it may not feel like it right now, the end result will be worth it. It was certainly true for her, but I am not sure I can hold onto that thought just yet.”

She sighed and her smile dimmed a little. “I remember asking you whether you believed that or were just saying it to make my mum feel better. It did, by the way. She told me it wasn't the words so much as the fact that you wanted to make her feel better. It taught me that caring is more important than the words we use. Anyway, you said that there was no way to know whether it was true or not, so everyone has the choice to be positive about their situation or negative and wasn't it much better to be thinking nicer thoughts.”

“I will try and be positive.”

She got back into bed and cuddled up to me. “Ask away.” she murmured to me.

“What toilet do I use?”

“Mmmm...what do you think?” I should of expected a budding psychologist to give that reply. I hoped that was not going to be the answer to all of my questions.

“Conflicting thoughts, which is why I was asking.” I said.

“Catch me up. You have obviously given this some thought.” She replied.

“I have a feeling that Richard would use the mens.”

“If Richard had and you were in the toilet, would you have objected?”

“No. Even if I knew he was transgendered, but I am not worried about my reaction, but more Neanderthal type men. From what I have read some pretty nasty stuff can happen to transgendered individuals and I am a bit worried about being surrounded by men. I think I am feeling very vulnerable. I am a lot smaller and weaker that I was. If I was attacked, I wouldn't know how to defend myself.”

“Women can be pretty nasty too, but they are unlikely to get physical. Most of the abuse is likely to be verbal. I think you might be safer, at least for this trip, identifying yourself as female and using the ladies.” Jen said thoughtfully.

“What do you mean identifying myself as female?”

“Well you can't go to the ladies and call yourself Dillan or Richard. The clothes and hair people can overlook. Women have such a wide spectrum to express themselves so dressing a bit butch and wearing no makeup would be a lifestyle choice, but not a disqualification to being a woman.”

“What should I call myself then?”

“I had to give your passport to Peter to keep for Richard and he gave me Richard's passport. It says your name is Sophia.”

“That brings up my next question. After our week's holiday, am I going to have to go back with them?”

“Good question. Give yourself a few days to let your mind settle, then we will need to have a meeting with them. I have promised to keep them updated with your progress. They were a bit worried after your zone out yesterday. Alright Soph?” She said, trying my name out for the first time.

I turned in the bed to face her. “What about us?” I asked quietly.

She reached forwards and kissed me on my forehead. “I don't know. Whatever happens I will be here for you. I just don't know the details.” She could see that I wasn't satisfied with that. “Look. I love you. No if, buts or whens. I love you. The rest will sort itself out.”

The next three days were probably the most stressful of my life. All the clothes I had to wear were depressing. Richard was like Batman, he would only wear black or dark grey. The only underwear he had were boxers. To be fair that was the only underwear I had, but now boxers felt uncomfortable and going to the ladies in them just felt wrong. Learning to ski with Jen was fun, but when the evening hit, we had to research what my future held. Taking hormones and their effects on my body were fairly simple. I mean I had already been through all that. It was the corrective surgery and what the end result would be that got me down. I couldn't stop thinking about it and was getting more and more depressed. I read stories about other female to male transgender individuals and their experiences.

On the fourth morning I was staring at my hormone suppressants, ready to take them when I had what felt like a radical idea. What if I didn't take them. What if I didn't take testosterone or have any surgery. It was like a revelation. The path that I was planning was not my path. It was Richards. That didn't mean I had to wear dresses or makeup or, God forbid, high heels. Jen had already told me, women were free to express themselves however they wished. No one was going to chase me down and force me to get my ears pierced. I could if I wanted to, but the important point was, I didn't have to.

A huge weight lifted off me, telling me, my thoughts were going in the right direction. That day was a great day. I laughed, smiled and joked. We had a wonderful time and instead of researching, we went out to dinner and had a wonderful time. I explained what my thoughts were and Jen, seeing the change in me, agreed. She then suggested I take a test that would tell me were I sat on the male to female scale. I thought about it and initially agreed to take it, but then I started getting stressed about it. If the test indicated that I was more male as I expected it would, there would be pressure on me to go down Richards path and that was stressing me the hell out. At that point I realised that my decision was obvious. There was no need to take the test. I was not going to be taking testosterone or having surgery. It was not for me.