For the 2017 Holiday Writing Contest I’ve written a story of sacrifice and love. A young man willingly chooses to give up his life to save the life of a young woman.

S.L.E.P. – Sacrificial Life Extension Project

The woman that sat across from me scanned her handheld tablet device. She reminded me of a cross between a librarian and a natural foods store owner. She was perhaps in her mid-fifties and her brunette hair was slowly losing ground to the encroaching gray making her look older than she really was. It’s my assumption she would never dream of dying her hair or eat anything other than organic vegetables. That’s how she came appeared to me as her silent scanning of my application gave me concern.

A few minutes earlier she had introduced herself as Maggie Farnsworth, my S.L.E.P. concierge.

“How did you hear about the Sacrificial Life Extension Project, Mr. Matson?”

“Please, call me William. Mr. Matson makes me feel like my dad. It should be all there in the application.”

“The application tells us what you wrote, but not who you are, William.”

“I saw a television commercial. Your company does an excellent job of portraying people that are dying and in need of a second chance at life.”

“I’ll be honest with you, William. You don’t fit the profile. Our average applicant is between thirty-five and fifty-five years of age and they’re at the end of their rope. You’re twenty-six, financially well off, good looking, and seem to have everything going for you. Why give up your life so someone else can live?”

“I’m sure you’ve read my application thoroughly so I’ll try to fill in the gaps. Yes, I’ve lived a life of affluence and financially I have no worries, but that doesn’t mean my life has been easy. I lost my parents when I was eleven and I’ve struggled for years trying to find my own identity. I’ve travelled extensively, performed a lot of philanthropic work, and was married briefly. Two years ago, I lost my wife and unborn child in a car accident. One would assume I’m depressed from my loss but the reality is that I’ve never found fulfillment in my life. I guess it all comes down to the fact that if my body can be used to give someone hope and a chance at a real life, then I’m satisfied with that.”

She looked me over carefully and her brown eyes bored into my very soul. She paused a minute before proceeding. “You’ve indicated you’re open to a transfer to male or female patients. Why is that?”

“These people are at the end of their lives. What difference does it make? I’ll only have to live with the result for a little while, correct?”

“Mr. Matson, William, if you’re not going to be forthcoming about yourself I’ll deny your application right now.”

Heat warmed my face as I felt my anger spike. All my life I’ve protected my secret and clearly, she wants me to expose it. “This isn’t being recorded, is it?”

“There are no recordings of these sessions. I’m the only person that will decide on your application and I can tell you now that I’m about to deny it. People just don’t decide to give up their life and I’ll not be the one that puts our patients at risk. Who is to say that you’re not being hunted, or perhaps have recently committed some terrible crime? I need to understand your true motivation.”

“I saw your advertisement and I just want to give someone a chance at life.”

She stood. “We’re done here. You’ll receive official communication that we denied your application.”

“Why?”

Her hand was on the doorknob.

“Wait! You want to know what motivates me to give up my life? Yes, there is some part of me thinks this is a worthy sacrifice to give to someone else but the real reason is that I’m miserable. All my life I’ve questioned who I am. I’ve felt like I should never have been born male. I’ve struggled with my identity and even forced myself into marrying a wonderful woman hoping I could put all of this behind me; that having a family, a wife and children, would resolve the festering dichotomy within me. When my wife and unborn child were killed it took me many months to realize I missed my family greatly but in my heart, all I wanted was to be comforted and held. I’m a man, damn it! I don’t get that luxury.”

“We’ll be in touch, William.”

With that she left the room.

***

“Samantha, can I get you some more ice to suck on?”

Samantha opened her eyes and looked lovingly at her mother. She ignored the dozens of flower bouquets and cards for well wishes in the otherwise sterile hospital room and reached for her mother’s hand, squeezing it gently. Her voice was a little scratchy and weak. “I’m fine, mom. You should be home with the family.”

“I’ll not miss a second with you.” The tears that had flowed so often flowed once again. “It’s Christmas in two weeks. What’s your wish for the holidays?”

“That I’ll last long enough to see your twenty-fifth wedding anniversary in February. All of the family will be there.”

Samantha’s mother put her hand to her mouth to stifle the sad sounds that would betray her strength in this horrible time. When she collected herself enough she brushed the golden-blonde hair from her child’s dark and sunken eyes. “I wish that too, sweetheart.”

For a long time, the room was silent except for the beeping of machines.

A nurse popped her head into the room. “Samantha, you have a visitor.”

Samantha looked up into an older gentleman’s smiling face. “You must be Samantha Rawlings. I’m Henry Kopple, Director of S.L.E.P.”

“What’s S.L.E.P?”

“My apologies. I thought you might have heard about it. S.L.E.P. stands for the Sacrificial Life Extension Project. You’ve been selected as a recipient.”

“But I never applied.”

Samantha’s mom looked a little sheepish. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I applied for you.”

Samantha’s weak eyes looked between her mother and Henry. “What does this mean?”

Henry’s smile grew broader. “It means that, if you so choose, you have a unique chance to be free of your illness and live a full and productive life. I have a catalog of people willing to trade their body for yours.”

Samantha clearly was struggling with the thought that anyone would give their life for hers. “How… how does this work? Why would anyone do that for me?”

“We have the ability to transfer your memories and the essence of who you are into the body of another person. You go to bed one night and wake up the next as a new person. People come to us for many reasons but know they all willingly volunteer to take your place. I’ll leave you a tablet with the photos and stats of the available people. I can come by tomorrow to answer any more questions.”

Samantha looked at her mother. “Maybe my dream will come true after all.”

***

Samantha was eager to review the information Henry had provided her but waited patiently for her mother to leave. Pulling the tablet off the nightstand she perused the ten people who have said they would take her place.

Photo by photo Samantha became more and more depressed. Most were old women that looked down on their luck and there were several others. One woman was post-menopausal and another was forty-two years of age and extremely overweight. There was one option, a woman, thirty-five years old but was unable to conceive.

Samantha had almost given up hope when she scrolled to the final photo. Her weak fingers shook as she traced the young man’s face. He looked so handsome and healthy. There was so little information provided; age, height, weight, and a rudimentary genetic makeup. His blue eyes looked defeated, almost apologetic, a sign he had given up on himself. His brown hair was neatly cropped. He was twenty-six years old, only three years older than Samantha.

Samantha selected several more pictures of the young man showing his physique. He was very handsome and fit. She wondered what her mother would think.

***

“But he’s a man! What about the thirty-five year old woman?”

“Sure, she’s an option, mom, but she also can’t have children and I’d lose twelve years of life. You know I’ve always wanted to have kids and a family. There’s something you also need to know. I’m tired of being weak. I’ve been in and out of hospitals for nine years. I’ve been weak and frail my entire life. I know this is hard on you, but the thought of being a strong man gives me hope. I want to be in control of my life for a change.”

“But you say you want a family. How could you become this man? Do you think you could marry a woman?”

“Did you see the other options, mom? I can’t tell you what will happen, but these people are making a huge sacrifice for me. The least I can do is choose the one I think I could have the most chance at having a good life as. At the very least, barring any unforeseen circumstances, I’ll have more years to be with all of you.”

Samantha’s mother’s face softened. “If this is what you really want and can live with, then we’ll all be here for you, no matter what.”

***

It had been several weeks since my interview and I had anticipated that they had denied my application when I was called to come back and meet once again with Maggie. Maggie’s expression was easier to read this time and her confrontational frown had been replaced with some resigned concern.

“William, I’ve been told that you’ve been selected by one of our patients.” A mixture of cold dread and relief washed over me. “We need to begin preparations for the transfer. This is very time consuming and costly for us and thus we need to know that you’re still willing to participate.”

“What can you tell me about the patient?”

“You need to understand that this isn’t something we can provide. While the patient chose you from a list of potential donors, the patient is provided with very limited information about you. Height, weight, age, any current conditions, and basic ancestry. They’ll never know your name, what you do, or why you chose to participate. Absolutely no communications are allowed between the donor and the recipient. It must be this way secure their future and to assure commitment of our donors.”

“Why can’t there be any communications?”

“The project emphasizes giving a terminally ill person a chance at life. Consider the impact such a magnanimous gift would have on yourself. Now imagine you having intimate knowledge of the donor, knowing that in days, weeks, or months, they’ll likely be dead. This is a difficult burden for our patients to bear even with anonymity in place. How much harder would it be for them if they knew more about their donor.”

“I’m still willing. What do we need to do?”

“We need to work out the details of both donor and recipient. You have bank accounts, finances, identification, social media, and photos of you online. We must work to clear out every reference to you, prepare documents in advance to transfer financial holdings into your new name, begin creating new identification, and write a will.”

“We don’t simply swap identification?”

“Each of you will be given new names and new identification for maintaining anonymity. You’ll receive that information the morning you wake up after the transfer is complete. We also try to make sure there is significant distance between the donor and recipient to avoid them running into people that used to know you. If either of you do run into people that recognize you as the previous person, we will provide a certified card confirming the process that was completed. Many people have heard of S.L.E.P. before and will recognize the credentials allowing you to avoid difficult conversations.” Maggie broadcast her tablet screen onto a larger one in the room. “Let’s get started on the paperwork.”

***

The S.L.E.P. organization was very adamant in not releasing any information about the recipient and as the day got closer to the transfer I was feeling more and more trepidation. I was, in essence, committing legalized suicide. I could wake up in incredible pain, or with no mobility whatsoever. The lack of knowing what I was heading into was more difficult to process than the actual concept of being brain dumped into another person’s body.

I’ve been also thinking of a way to communicate to the recipient and I had found a loophole in the procedures. I was to fill a suitcase with clothing for the patient. This would also include documentation about any food sensitivities I have and thoughtful advice about my body all carefully edited by S.L.E.P. This suitcase would be carefully gone through, however, there was a time in the process between the time I would be given a sedative and when the procedure would take place that I would have access to the suitcase. During this window of time I would place a note into the suitcase. I was careful to not make it personal but I had things I felt needed to be said and so I made my plans.

When the day had finally arrived, it turned out to be Christmas Eve. I was flown to New York and driven up to Norwalk, Connecticut and given a room in the wing of the Norwalk Hospital. By the time I was all settled in it was dark and Maggie came in with the anesthetist to administer the sedatives to put me to sleep.

“You’re doing a wonderful thing, William. Why don’t you lie back and relax? We’ll give you some time to yourself. In the morning, I will be with you when you wake up. It’s important for you to be fully aware of your surroundings and to take time to register the impact of what has transpired before you open your eyes. This will reduce your shock.”

“I will.”

Maggie and the anesthetist left as I quickly became groggy from the sedative. I had mere minutes before I would be fast asleep and I slipped the note that I had carefully concealed into the suitcase that would be there for whoever occupied my body in the morning.

Returning to the bed, I held out my hand and stared at it. It would be the last time I see it. I had a moment of panic before the sedatives took the edge off and I drifted off to sleep.

***

“William? It’s me, Maggie. Don’t open your eyes or speak just yet. Squeeze my hand to acknowledge you hear me.”

I could feel myself climbing out of the darkness and Maggie’s voice was like a lit open doorway. I could feel a hand in mine and I gently squeezed it but in doing so I realized my hand felt different. It felt softer and smaller and the act of squeezing was challenging.

“That’s good, William. Now, I want you to keep your eyes closed and with your mind reach out to feel your body. Wiggle your toes and move your fingers. When you’re done, squeeze my hand again.”

What I really noticed was I felt so little of my weight being pressed into the bed. I must be much lighter than I was before. There was no pain, just a lack of energy. Wiggling my toes, I was grateful I could feel the rough sheets against them. I could tighten and relax the muscles in my calves and legs. It seemed as if everything was working and I had all my body parts. I squeezed Maggie’s hand.

“Very good, William. You’re doing well. Why don’t you open your eyes?”

The stark whiteness of the room caught me off guard but quickly my eyes adjusted to the brightness and I found Maggie hovering near me.

“Keep your eyes on me, William. Now that the transfer is complete I’m now free to discuss with you more about your new body. One major adjustment for you is that the patient was a twenty-three year old young woman.”

“What…” My voice faltered at the delicate and higher pitched sound to my voice. “I’m a girl?”

I tried to sit up but Maggie put a hand on my shoulder and try as I might, I couldn’t lift myself up against the light pressure she was applying to keep me down. “Breathe, William. Relax. Let me raise the back of the bed a little. Your body is very weak from the illness.”

I felt the bed pivot at my hips and I rose slowly up. I could now feel the weight of my chest shift slightly under the hospital gown and covers. I lifted my right hand towards my face and noticed the long slender fingers.

“Careful, William. You have an IV in your right arm. It’s supplying your body with needed nourishment.”

“I’m a woman?”

“I thought that might please you.”

“I… I didn’t know this was possible.” My arms were very thin as were my legs that I could tell by the way the sheets draped over them. I was weak. Very weak. “What’s wrong with me?”

“You’re suffering from a neurological disorder. You’ve not fully been diagnosed. It has something to do with your brain not being able to adjust production of the right enzymes and proteins to metabolize your food. In other words, you’re wasting away.”

“What do I look like?”

“You’re five feet six inches tall and weigh eighty-two pounds. Here is a mirror.”

Taking the small handheld mirror from Maggie I looked into the eyes of a stranger. Her eyes were sunken with dark circles underneath them but the brilliant blue irises were startling. Her cheeks were gaunt and slightly hollow and her lips were somewhat chapped. Long golden blonde hair cascaded down her head. It was stringy and needed a wash. With some weight, she would be very pretty.

“What’s the prognosis?”

“At the current rate of weight loss, the estimate is between two and four weeks.”

I continued to stare at my reflection as Maggie shared some additional details most of which I didn’t listen to. I’m a woman. I’m weak. I could even be pretty if I weren’t so sick. I have two to four weeks to live.

“…new name is Emma Taylor.”

“Sorry. What was that again?”

“Your new name is Emma Taylor. I’m sure you need some time to absorb everything. If you need anything press this green button and I’ll be right here. Please be careful of your IV and catheter. I’ll be back in thirty minutes.”

I watched Maggie leave and close the door behind her. Weakly pulling the sheets back I looked down upon my emaciated body. My legs were indeed thin. That which I could see from the end of the hospital gown. Reaching up I felt my breasts. This was such a strange feeling to have weight there and they felt very sensitive. I pulled the hem of the gown up and revealed a pair of white panties, perfectly flat stomach, and some very obvious hip bones. There were no man parts down there, just a tube.

I had the feeling that this was right, the way I was supposed to have been born, and I reveled in the thought but the weakness of my body and impending death were shocking. Why couldn’t I have this without the illness?

Looking around the white room I realized I didn’t want to die here. Sooner than later they would ship me to a hospice which would be even worse. Do I even have enough strength to stand?

In the corner of the room rested a suitcase. I anticipated that this contained the documentation and clothing that I might need but was never expected to use. I made my decision, or at least I would die trying. I want to go home. I’d rather die there.

Peeling the tape off my inner thigh I winced at the pain but that was nothing compared to the throbbing I felt as I pulled the catheter out. Every movement I made caused me to gasp for air. How far can I possibly get?

With the catheter removed I carefully and slowly pulled the IV from my right arm and used a little tape to cover the hole. Closing my eyes, I pulled in a deep breath and lowered my feet to the floor. I was thankful they held my weight, slight as it was.

Stepping lightly over to the suitcase I first tried to lift it onto the bed but it was far too heavy and the effort nearly caused me to pass out. Resting momentarily, I opened a zipper and reached in to pull out a white dress. I also found a pair of white flats.

Leaning against the wall I rested a moment before untying the hospital gown and watching it fall effortlessly to the floor. I looked over my new body and saw that my breasts were resting on my exposed ribcage. I’m a walking skeleton. I had no time or energy to find a bra as I slipped the dress over my head. Luckily it had an elastic waistband that held it in place. Slipping on the shoes, I bent down and closed the zipper of the suitcase, and then finding my bank cards and identification in the front pockets. They had all been changed to Emma Taylor.

Thankful the suitcase had wheels, I half dragged it and half used it for support as I made my way to the door. In my depleted state, I could barely open the heavy door. The nurses station was to the left and the elevators were to the right. Slowly I made my way to the elevators and ignored the stares of the people around me.

Once on the elevator I pushed the button for the first floor. A gentleman got in on the second floor and looked me over. “You don’t look so good.”

“Good thing I’m in a hospital then.”

He didn’t question me any further but I could tell his eyes were on me as I stepped out into the hallway. Slowly I made my way towards the entrance of the hospital pausing to take in a sight that took my breath away. The children’s wing was open for all to see and a large Christmas tree danced merrily with all the flickering lights. Adults were handing out presents to the hospitalized children. It made my new heart and my old one weep with loss and joy at the same time.

The chilly winter air shook me to my core as my new body had no fat and no protection from the cold breeze coming through the door to the outside. In a way, I felt like I was stealing something valuable, but I kept reminding myself I have no obligation to stay in the hospital and die here; that and there is the fact that I’m stealing a broken-down body that will likely die before I get home.

Ignoring the freezing air, I flagged down a cab and practically fell into the back seat from exhaustion. “Train station, please.”

***

Samantha could feel the strength and health of her new body before she even opened her eyes. The feeling was exhilarating.

“Take it slow, Samantha. Go ahead and open your eyes when you feel ready.”

She opened them right away and found Henry watching her closely. “I feel incredible.”

Samantha sat up and stared at her large, strong hand for a moment before swinging her legs over the edge of the bed and running to the bathroom to look at herself in the mirror. “This is amazing! How can I move so well? I feel completely balanced.”

“The entire brain wasn’t replaced, rather your essence and memories were mapped over top of the existing ones. The motor skills portions of the brain were never touched so they function correctly and you don’t feel any awkwardness.”

Samantha flexed her strong bicep, looked down her hospital gown and to the lack of breasts, and then reached down between her legs seemingly unaware of Henry still being in the room with her. With a gasp, she turned around.

“Where’s mom and my family?”

“They are waiting for you but I have given them strict instructions to give you some time alone to absorb the changes. Your new name is Declan Rawlings. You’ll find clothes and your new identification in the suitcase in the corner. Why don’t you take thirty minutes to yourself?”

“Declan…Declan… I like it. Thank you!”

“We’ll all return in a little bit. Take your time.”

With Henry gone, Declan went back to the bathroom and immediately felt a need to have a shower as he had no idea when the last time this body had one. Dropping the hospital gown to the floor he examined himself from head to toe and struggled to keep himself from playing with his new parts. The feeling of power was overwhelming. He felt like he could run a hundred miles or rip the sink from the wall.

Declan took his time in the shower making sure he was thoroughly clean before drying and standing once again before the mirror. When he first saw the photo of the donor he thought him quite handsome in a lustful way, but now as he looked upon himself he knew he was good looking, but he had no lustful feelings about his new body. Only the thought of learning his new apparatus made him wish he had more time.

His hands moved to his face and he frowned slightly at the day-old stubble. “I’m going to have to learn to shave my face.”

A grin appeared as he looked over at the toilet and he threw the lid open with vigor and stood over the white bowl not knowing that he had to hold things to aim correctly. With much embarrassment Declan learned quickly how to guide his spray and he cleaned up his mess and carefully put the seat back down just in case a female needed to use it after him.

Declan rushed over to the suitcase and with a whoop of joy he easily lifted it up onto the bed and rummaged through the clothing. He dressed quickly, slightly saddened by not being able to wear a dress. Turning back to the mirror he checked himself out and finger brushed his hair into place. Putting his hand into his pocket he felt some paper there.

Pulling it out Declan wondered what it might be.

‘Dear recipient of my body (that sounds so awful),

I know I’m not supposed to do this as all communications between donor and recipient are against the rules but I need you to know I chose to give up my body for you willingly. I wanted you to have a chance at life. While my life wasn’t always easy, it was lived without regrets. I did more things in my twenty-six years than most people do in a lifetime. I suspect you might not have had the same chances I did.

I have given this much thought and have more than enough money for several lifetimes to enjoy. If you go to the New York airport, look for locker FP213. It’s one of the new fingerprint lockers and since you now have my fingerprints, it should work fine for you. I’m guessing you and your family might have many outstanding bills and my money will obviously do me no good. I have left a substantial amount for you in the locker to help you get your life together.

Knowing that you might find this note on Christmas Day, my body and what I leave to you in the locker is my gift to you. It is my heartfelt prayer that you will always look favorably upon this day; that your dreams will come true, and that your life will find every ounce of fulfillment you ever desired. Don’t for one second worry about me, for I believe, in some way, I too will be blessed and consider this day a gift.’

Declan re-read the message and quickly stuffed it back into his pocket before running from the room. It took a moment to orient himself but once he had, he took off at full speed through the hospital to his old room. A room that he found now empty. Declan was disappointed that the S.L.E.P. people must have removed her old body and the person it now belongs to so quickly. He might never have a chance to thank the person that gave him new life.

Despondent, Declan roamed the hospital on his way back to his room. He too paused by the entrance to the children’s wing to listen to the cries of joy and the excitement of the children as they opened presents.

Declan whispered to himself. “Wherever you are, thank you! It is my hope, my dream, and my prayer that somehow, through my broken body, that you will find the happiness and joy you so deserve.”

Wiping a tear from his cheek, Declan rushed back to his room to meet up with his family.

***

“Miss? Hello, Miss?”

I struggled to open my eyes but when I did it took me a moment to remember all that had happened. I’m a dying, young woman trying to get home. I feel so weak.

“Sorry. Where are we?”

“At the end of the line. Tampa, Florida.”

I smiled weakly and looked at my not so heavy but heavy to me suitcase. “Can you give me a hand with my suitcase?”

“Certainly. Are you all right, Miss?”

“Once I get home I’ll be fine. Thank you. You’re kind for asking.”

The man that worked for Amtrak helped me down from the train and left me standing there on the platform. I sat down on the suitcase and looked around as I caught my breath. The warm eighty degree air and high humidity soaked through the little muscle mass this body had and gave me a little strength. Dragging the suitcase behind me I flagged down a taxi for the twenty-minute ride to my home in Indian Shores.

Standing before my home that was nestled between beachfront condos, I felt better than I had in the past two days. This body could barely eat anything before becoming full and the food on the train was not the best.

I had only taken a few steps towards the door when a car pulled up and Maggie from S.L.E.P. jumped out of the car and rushed over to me. “What were you thinking? You can’t just up and leave a hospital like that. How did you get here?”

I hadn’t realized how tall Maggie was. She must be five feet nine but then again, the last time I could gauge her height I was over six feet tall. Everything seemed larger and slightly more intimidating.

“I’m not going back to a hospital. I refuse to die in a place like that.”

“You’re in shock. This happens. Come back with me. You look unwell and need treatment.”

“How long had she been in the hospital?”

“Four months and off and on for the past nine years.”

“You said it yourself that I might only have weeks to live. Let me at least choose where.”

“Fine. It’s your choice. But I’m going to send a nurse to your home every day to check up on you.”

Maggie was frustrated as she got back to her car. “I don’t regret my decision, Maggie.”

I struggled with the zipper of the suitcase until I could get my hand in there to reach for my key. I was grateful they had remembered to transfer it. I opened the door with a push of my shoulder and staggered over to the wall panel to deactivate the alarm.

After closing the door, I stared at my home. It seemed so much larger and lonely than ever before. The open concept floorplan gave me an unobstructed view of the swimming pool and the waters of the gulf beyond. Sunlight streamed through the windows and all I could think about was napping on the chaise in the sun.

Moments later I was fast asleep.

***

Two days had passed since the transformation and Declan had slowly become acclimated to his new body. His family found his new self to be harder to get used to than he was finding it himself. Sometimes they would slip and call him Samantha, and she overheard them call him her several times. For his mother and father, they clearly struggled on how to offer support, but the aunts and cousins treated him more as a guest than a real member of the family. Henry from S.L.E.P. visited every day to work with everyone on the transition.

Declan still had a room in his parent’s house as he had always been too sick to live elsewhere. His room, however, wasn’t him anymore. The pink drapes and sheets, the closet full of dresses, and the pictures of her old self with her friends all made him remember how his life had been before. The constant reminder was the most difficult part of the transition and his heart still grieved for the young man who gave his life for her. Deep down, there was a spark, a connection he couldn’t understand.

The hardest part of all of this was to see the look in his mother’s eyes. For years she had taken care of her little girl and suddenly, overnight, she had a tall, strapping, young man for a son.

Declan entered the kitchen and hugged his mom who had been staring out the window. “Things will be all right, mom. I know this is hard on everyone.”

“We need to change your room and get rid of your things.” Declan watched a tear fall from his mother’s eye.

“Don’t worry about that right now. Focus on the good that has come out of all of this. How would you like to take a drive with me?”

“Where?”

“New York.”

“Why on earth would you want to go to New York?”

“Don’t tell Henry, by my donor left me this note. He left us something in New York. Besides, it’s a beautiful, sunny day and I want to spend time having fun with you. I also need some clothes.”

Declan’s mother smiled. “I think that might be a good idea.”

***

I must have slept a good six hours. I hadn’t moved an inch from where I had curled up on the chaise. The sun was setting and I took a few moments to lie there a little longer. With my smaller size and weight, I was so comfortable lying on the chaise. I barely covered half the seat. The last rays of the orange sun kept me warm and with my white dress on and my head resting on my arm I felt good; like this was meant to be. I had dreamt and all I could recall was my old body kissing me. It was the strangest feeling.

It took a lot of effort to push myself up from the chaise. The effort made me a little dizzy but I had resolved to take my time and do what I could for myself. It was with much effort that I got myself to my feet and made my way into the kitchen. The thought of solid food churned my hollow stomach, but I still had some fresh fruit and veggies. I’m sure Maggie would be upset with me but it was too much effort to even clean them. I tossed what I could find into a juicer. Celery, carrots, apples, and bananas that were already too ripe went into the device. The brown concoction that came out looked revolting but tasted wonderful. I took a few full slow sips before dragging the suitcase into the master bedroom.

I was too weak to lift it up onto the bed so I left it on the floor and opened it so I could rummage through the clothes. There wasn’t a lot there. Some panties, a bra which looked too large for my withered frame, several dresses, and a nightgown. There was a new hairbrush that still had a price tag on it. In the bottom of the suitcase was a pink sweater jacket. How stupid I was to walk out into the Connecticut winter without a jacket.

Four sips of my juice were all it took to make me feel full. I was getting tired again and my king-sized bed looked enticing, but I had spent two days in this dress and who knew how long it had been since these panties I was wearing had been changed. As much as I just wanted to curl up and sleep I decided a shower was in order.

It was easy to slip out of the dress and panties as they were barely hanging onto me as they were. I stood a moment to take in my naked body. I was astonishingly thin and pale but hidden behind the emasculated body was true beauty. I stood tall and with excellent posture. My hair was gorgeous even if it needed washing badly. With thirty or more pounds, I would be stunning.

The juice I drank seemed to go right through me and I looked over at the toilet. I had gone several times already but I noticed I had left the seat up.

“How inconsiderate of you, William.”

After relieving myself I carefully set the water temperature of the shower and stepped in shrieking as the heavy water pounded down on my frail body. After switching the shower head to a light rain-like pattern I relaxed and enjoyed the heat and soap.

While I certainly noticed the sensitivity of my new body, I was in no shape to truly explore myself. By the time I had dried myself off and did what I could with my mass of hair, I only had enough energy to slip into the nightgown and under my covers.

***

For Declan and his mother, the day had been wonderful. During the long drive to New York they spoke about stories from their past, stopped to eat wonderful food, shopped for clothes, and connected in a way they hadn’t been able to for a long time.

“We’re looking for locker FP213, mom.”

“Here it is, Declan. I still find it hard to call you that. Are you sure you want to look inside?”

“You read the note. I can’t imagine that there is anything nefarious going on.”

Declan held his breath, feeling a little like a spy in a thriller movie. He placed his right thumb on the fingerprint reader and with a click the locker opened. Inside was a plain manila envelope but it wasn’t clear if there was something inside.

Declan pulled the envelope out and was about to open it when his mother put a hand on his. “Not here. There are too many people around. Let’s go back to the car.”

Back at the car Declan opened the envelope and looked inside. There was only a single piece paper and it appeared to be a money order. He pulled it out and stared at it in disbelief. “Mom, this money order is for one million dollars! Why would he give us such an enormous amount?”

Declan’ mother sat in stunned silence. Once again Declan looked into the envelope to find nothing else there. He was disappointed there was no letter from the man that had saved her life and now offered financial freedom. It made him feel happy and guilty at the same time.

***

I woke up feeling quite rested and better than I had in days. My stomach also grumbled a little so I knew I needed to get something into it. I wrapped the sweater around me and looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was a disaster, but at least it was clean. The kitchen was a bit of a mess as I had no energy to clean anything. I decided to make a call and see if I could get some help around the house to cook and clean. I didn’t want to worry about this for myself if I didn’t have to.

Dry toast became my breakfast this morning and I was stuffed after one small piece. The sun was already up and my outdoor thermometer read seventy-five degrees. I found a rubber band and pulled my hair back into a ponytail to avoid having to shower and spend a lot of time on it. I love having long hair, I just wish I had a long life to go with it.

I changed out of my nightgown, put on fresh panties, and even tried out the bra. As suspected, the lack of fat, muscle, and body mass made the C-cups quite loose and sloppy, but the fit around the ribcage wasn’t bad. I slipped into a red dress and used the pink sweater and white flats to complete my outdoor excursion outfit. I was determined to get fresh air as long as I possibly could.

Stepping out onto the deck by the pool I longed to jump in and swim but I had no bathing suit and the nosy neighbors had a pretty good view of the pool. I made a goal for myself to touch the ocean water which was a good hundred and fifty feet from the pool deck. Pulling in a deep breath of salty air I kicked off my shoes and walked barefoot into the sand.

Many times I thought I should turn around as I quickly tired, but there was something exhilarating about feeling the sand beneath my toes and identifying how my new body bounced and swayed. By the time I got back inside, thirty minutes had passed and I was once again exhausted.

I had just sat down when the front doorbell rang. It was all I could do to get up and open the door. Maggie and a nurse were standing there.

“I told you I would get a nurse to drop by each day, Emma.”

“You didn’t happen to bring a pizza with you, did you?”

“You can’t be serious.”

“I’m am and I’m not. I’ll have one before this is all done. Come inside.”

The nurse assisted me to standing on a weigh scale. “Eighty-four pounds. We can assume one pound for your clothing. You’ve gained a pound according to your charts.” The nurse took some blood and checked my vitals as Maggie looked on. “You should be in bed resting. You need more fluids.”

“It seems like all I do is sleep.”

“You’re very ill and dangerously underweight. You could easily have a heart attack.”

“So, you’re telling me that going out to play soccer is out of the question?” I didn’t wait for a response. “I have someone coming over soon to cook and clean for me. Don’t worry about me as I don’t feel like dying today.”

***

A week had passed since Declan and his mother’s trip to New York. Slowly things were falling into place as the immediate and external family had come to realize Declan was still the same caring and loving person as before.

Declan was deliberate in spending quality time with his mother and father. Henry’s plan for Declan was simple; take time to learn about his new body, acclimate with his family, and when the time was right, go through his old things to put them away. Once a sense of normalcy was returned to the family then he recommended that Declan take a few months for himself.

Today, however, was the first day Declan was to have a few of his friends over and he was extremely nervous.

When the doorbell rang, Declan opened the door to see his two best friends, Missy Franklin and Claire Wallace. The S.L.E.P. team had prepared them for this meeting, but Declan was still very worried as Missy and Claire looked up at him in stunned silence.

Missy smiled and pushed inside the house dragging Claire with her. “We’re so glad you’re still with us. So, tell us all about it! What was the first thing that came to your mind Christmas Day?”

They plunked themselves down on the couch as Declan sat in a chair opposite them.

“My first thought was how healthy and strong I felt. My second was how selfish I was.”

“Selfish?”

“Yes. I felt like I cheated God or something. The doctors had given me no more than four weeks to live and here I wake up in this perfectly healthy body. I cheated death and let somebody else take my place.”

Claire frowned. “You can’t think like that. The S.L.E.P. team carefully assesses each donor. He had his reasons for doing it.”

“I know. Logically I can reduce my guilt but my heart wonders how he might be doing.”

Missy smiled deviously. “You have to tell us… What’s it like being a handsome man?” Her voice was almost a whisper.

“Missy!”

***

I woke feeling refreshed and with more energy than the previous days. Each day I felt better but I was still incredibly thin and weak. It was now January third and day after day the nurse had been stymied. I should be completely bed ridden by now and yet I was able to do a little more each day. Even my weight had come up some to nearly ninety pounds.

Maggie had not visited since the first day with the nurse but she had told me she was coming this morning. My hired help, Margo, had been a great asset to me as she cooked, cleaned, and took care of me as I needed. She was a lovely lady that had been a nutritionist before starting to raise her three children and found once they had all started school she had a hard time finding work. She treated me like a daughter.

Margo was already in the kitchen when I sauntered out. She took one look at me and sighed. “Don’t you have any other clothes, Emma?”

“You know the situation, Margo. I just didn’t see a need to buy any.”

“You’re looking better each day. You need to get out more and exercise. It will stimulate your appetite and do your muscles good. If you feel up to it, I’d be happy to take you to a few stores this afternoon.”

“Let’s see what Maggie and the nurse have to say, but thank you. I’ve wanted to use the pool and I only have one pair of shoes that aren’t the best for walking.”

“What you did, Emma, is heartwarming. You must have been desperate to give up your life.”

“I was, but not anymore. Even though I’m thin, weak, and sleep most of the day, I’ve never felt more alive.”

Margo smiled. “Come and have a seat. I have a scrambled egg and avocado toast ready for you.”

“That sounds wonderful, thank you.”

After breakfast, I spent an hour rummaging through my closet and some drawers. I had just moved what few clothes I had into the space I had cleared out when Maggie and the nurse arrived.

“Emma! You’re looking so much better. I can tell you’ve gained a little weight and the dark circles under your eyes are lessening. This is remarkable.”

“I feel better every day.”

“Go ahead and step onto the scale for us.” I did as requested. “Ninety and a half.”

“Emma, I’d like to bring you in to the hospital for a few tests next week. Something has changed and we should confirm what’s going on.”

“It’s not like I have any travel plans. May I ask how the recipient is doing?”

“You can ask but I have no answers for you. I’m not even sure who in our office handled the recipient. This is deliberately done to make sure we keep anonymity.”

“Do all donors and patients dream about each other? Is this normal?”

Maggie frowned. “I’ve heard from some patients that they dream of their old selves. Most donors don’t last that long so I couldn’t tell you for sure. I’m sure it’s residual self-image working itself out in your dreams.”

The nurse wrapped things up and shook her head. “I can’t explain it. You’re improving each day. I’ll go ahead and set up the tests on Tuesday.”

I watched as they packed up their things and turned to leave. “Maggie?”

“Yes, Emma?”

I reached out and hugged her. “Thank you for giving me a chance.”

“I had no doubts from the very beginning. Your application told me everything I needed to know. I just had to pry a little to make sure.”

I felt her hand on my hair. “Maybe we can get that pizza soon.”

“Let’s see how your tests go. I’ll be there next week. Take care, Emma.”

After they left, Margo brought a smoothie out to me by the pool. I was reading a book and sitting in a lounge chair getting warmed up by the sun. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to offer some advice.”

“I never turn down good advice.”

“I’m not sure how good it is, but you need to start thinking long-term.” She sat down on the end of the lounge chair.

“How so?”

“Start setting goals. Things you want to accomplish and do. You’ve told me you liked to run on the beach. Set a goal in two months that you can run to the pier and back. That’s about four miles round trip but I’m sure you could do it if you work up to it slowly.”

“You’re right. The illness may only be building strength for a final run at me, but while I’m feeling better I should be looking forward.”

“You also need to do something about your looks. You still look ill, even though you’re getting better. You’re not using the right products in your hair and you could use some makeup to cover up the dark circles under your eyes. If I were a betting person, I bet you even are using your old toothbrush. Get some new things that will make it easier on yourself. If you look good when you look in the mirror, that’s half the battle. You want to look healthy.”

I’ve been so exhausted each day that thinking of anything other than making it through the day has been challenging. Even though I’m weak, I’ve loved every minute being female. This was my dream and it finally came true. If I only had a few weeks to live, I should be focused on experiencing all that I could. I want to dress up and look pretty; put on makeup; and explore my feminine side.

“Again, you’re right, but I don’t know where to begin.”

“I’d be happy to show you.”

“It doesn’t bother you that I was a man before?”

“I find it intriguing watching how you cope. I always wanted to see a man try to live as a woman. It’s not as easy as the movies make it out to be. One more thing. You should consider getting rid of a lot of your old things as a method of focusing on the new you. One day you might feel good enough to have someone special over and the last thing you would want is to have them question why your place is filled with men’s things.”

“Maybe we can get some boxes and donate some stuff.”

“I know this is a lot to think about and you’re still too weak to do much. I’m here to help out any way I can.”

“Thank you, Margo.”

“Are you ready to go shopping?”

***

Declan was mentally exhausted by the time Missy and Claire left. It had gone quite well until Missy expressed an interest in seeing Declan’s new parts. It didn’t surprise Declan much as Missy was always a bit of a flirt with the guys, but it left him wondering if it was even possible to maintain the kind of friendship he had once had with them.

“Declan, maybe you should think about taking a trip. It’s not that we don’t want you here, it’s more that you’ve not had much chance to travel, see the world, and live a little.”

“What are you thinking, mom?”

“Start by taking a two or three-day trip somewhere in the United States. If that goes well, maybe you can take three months and travel the world.”

“Would you go with me?”

“As much fun as I think it would be to go with you, I think it is best you go by yourself. You need time to get to know the new you and there is no better way to do that than to be alone. This was recommended by S.L.E.P. and I have no reason to doubt their wisdom having dealt with this a dozen times before and knowing what’s best for their patients.”

Declan looked outside at the snow blowing horizontally past the window. “Maybe I should go someplace warm, like Florida.”

***

Margo was careful to make the shopping excursion not too taxing for me. The first stop was at a beauty salon where my hair was cleaned and styled. Margo insisted that they teach me about the proper shampoos and conditioner required for my type of hair. I was amazed at how wonderful my hair looked by the time they were done. The next thing that was done was my nails. This was at my request which made Margo raise an eyebrow that I would be interested in having my nails painted red. I would need to explain to her later that this was something I had always dreamed of.

Our next stop was to a large clothing store. Margo had me sit down and relax while she brought out clothing for me to look at. I finally had to tell her to stop bringing pants. I explained that if I were getting better, pants wouldn’t fit me once I regained some weight so best to stick with dresses. Secretly I only wanted the dresses.

We had one last stop for some makeup and with help from a store clerk, I had eyeshadow, mascara to hide my dark circles, eye liner, and some lipstick applied. Except for my gaunt looking face, I looked and felt beautiful.

Margo brought me home and the entire shopping experience had taken only a few hours, but I was completely exhausted by the time we got home. She put away the six new dresses, a couple of nightgowns, some new panties and an exercise bra, bikini, shoes, and the makeup and bath items. I hadn’t tried on any of the clothes but she was pretty sure they would fit.

By this time the sun was once again on the chaise lounge in the living room and I curled up on the soft cushions and fell asleep smiling at the thought of the dreams that would surely come.

***

It was Monday of the following week that Declan found himself waiting in line to board a plane to Tampa Bay. He decided three days in the sun and beaches was all he needed for his first foray into the world as a young man.

Ever since the trip to New York Declan hadn’t gone out in public much and he was more worried this time that someone might call him a fraud; a woman in a man’s body. Even the act of choosing to go into the airport bathroom caused him to pause. He was intimidated by the other men and could only go to the bathroom if he went into a stall. He found it different that there was so little privacy as a man.

Thankfully the flight was uneventful as was the taxi from the airport to the TradeWinds Island Grand Resort in St. Petersburg. Declan’s room overlooked the blue waters of the Caribbean. He had always loved the ocean but it had been years since he felt the sand between his toes. The first stop was the beach.

Declan changed into his swimsuit, pondering for a moment how easy it was to get ready as a guy. No need for a top. Just flip-flops, swim trunks, and a towel. This mini vacation was all about relaxation and time to think.

He found the beach lounge chairs sporadically populated and sat down, placing his hands behind his head like he had seen so many other men doing.

“Excuse me, sir. Can I get you something from the bar?” Declan pulled off his sunglasses to see a man in a hotel uniform standing there. “William! What the hell are you doing here at the hotel?”

Declan looked around confused. “You must have me mistaken for someone else.”

“Ha hah. You’re funny, William. Listen, I won’t say anything to anyone. I haven’t seen you in about two years. Ever since… Sorry, man. I shouldn’t be bringing that up.”

The man turned to go and Declan suddenly realized he must know the person whose body he now has. “Wait!” Declan fumbled in his wallet and pulled out a card. He handed it to the man. “I’m Declan Rawlings. I’m the recipient of, you called me… William’s body.”

The man’s eyes went wide. “Oh, man! I’ve heard about S.L.E.P. I’ve seen their commercials on TV. You’re really not William?”

“It’s only been a couple of weeks. I was dying and this man, William, gave his life up for me.”

“Damn! William was always like that… I’m sorry to bother you, Declan.” He handed Declan back the card and turned to go.

“Sir? Wait, please? You knew William. We’re not allowed to know anything about our donor. I would love to hear anything about him.”

“I can’t believe he’s gone. This is so like him to do something like this. Sure. I get off in an hour. Buy me a beer and I’ll be happy to share what I know.”

“Thank you!”

Declan mused as the man turned and headed back to the bar. “Of all the places I could go, I run into someone that knows me. William…”

***

Two miles. That’s a long way to the pier. I wonder if Margo would know if I took a cab? Pulling my sweater around me a little tighter I started to walk across the sand. I used to hike in the Himalayas and now I struggle to swim a few lengths of the pool.

The past few days I had spent time swimming and doing light walking for my exercise. With help from Margo I was slowly getting used to applying makeup and each day she had me try some new kind of food. I could tell I was better in that I was hungry more often.

I walked about a half of a mile from the house and the pier was still too far away to see. This was already further than I’ve walked to date. I turned back towards the house, vowing to try to run a little once I was close enough. Better to run and collapse near the house than somewhere else.

Two men whistled as they ran by me. I stopped to look around to see what they might have been whistling at. There was no one else around. Certainly, they weren’t whistling at me. Were they?

On one hand, I was a little excited that someone might think me pretty enough to whistle at, but on the other, there’s no way I could protect myself. Looking up I could just make out the house and the fear of being attacked nagged at me. In the distance behind me were three men were making their way up the beach. Run, Emma.

I ran more out of fear than anything. It wasn’t more than a tenth of a mile and I was breathing hard already. The air burned my lungs. I could hear the men behind me. A quarter of a mile from the house, I collapsed and struggled to catch my breath.

“Hello, Miss? Are you all right?”

I was dazed and afraid. The three men stood around me.

“Should we call a doctor?”

“No… My… house…” I pointed to my house not far away.

“Do you think you can walk?”

“I just… overexerted myself. I’ve not been well.”

“I’m going to carry you. Just relax.”

The man scooped me up easily and I marveled in his strength. Had I once been like that? Strong, healthy?

I guided them to my house and Margo rushed out to greet us. The man carried me inside to the couch, set me down, and made sure I was all right before he and his two buddies headed back out to the beach.

“Thank you!” I called out after them.

“What were you thinking?”

“I was afraid. Two men whistled at me and then these three came up behind me. I ran. I’m so foolish.”

“It’s good to have a little healthy fear every now and again, Emma. Very few people will try to take advantage of someone in the broad daylight in a public place like the beach. What can I get for you?”

“Just a blanket.”

“I’m not going to let you go to sleep right now. I want you to get up and help me in the kitchen.”

“I’m exhausted.”

“As well you should be. No naps today. I’m making pizza and can use your help.”

My stomach growled. “Really?”

“Yes, and I’ll eat it in front of you if you don’t help me.”

“That’s torture.” Even as I said it I was getting to my feet. I was exhausted and a little shaky, but Margo hadn’t steered me wrong yet and I’m sure she had her reasons. Besides, it was pizza.

***

Declan extended his hand. “I guess formal introductions are oddly needed. Declan Rawlings.”

“Joe Moran.”

Declan ordered two beers for them and sat down at a table overlooking the beach.

“I still can’t get over that you’re not William.”

“Maybe we could start by you telling me William’s full name?”

“William Matson. We went to high school together. He had a challenging life. Lost his parents when he was young and his wife a few years ago.”

“That’s awful. He was married? Did he have children?”

“That’s the sad part of it. William loved children. Before he met Diane, he would travel the world and work in orphanages for a few months at a time. Then he met Diane and stayed close. They lived a few miles from here. I remember how excited he was to tell me Diane was pregnant. Then, I heard on the news that Diane was killed in a car accident. She and their unborn child were lost. I heard that not long after he took a long trip. Somewhere in Katmandu I think. Parkour orphanage or something like that.”

“So, sad. What was he like?”

“This is strange. I feel like I’m talking to him but I’m not. William was the best of all of us. You would think with his parents and then his wife, he could have become angry and hurtful towards others, but he wasn’t like that at all. He would give you the shirt off his back if he though you needed it. About three years ago I was moving and my finances weren’t so good. He showed up with a moving van, three guys, some beer, and food.”

“You said he lived around here? Maybe there are other people I could talk to?”

“Listen, thanks for the beer. You seem like a nice fellow and I’m sure William would be pleased it was you who got his body, but this is just too weird for me and knowing my friend is likely dead… I’m going to head on home and raise a glass in his honor.”

Declan felt an urgency to keep the conversation going but Joe had already stood and walked away.

Later that night Declan’s emotions ran wild. “I don’t deserve this body. I’m not fit to walk in your shoes and yet thank you.”

***

I was completely exhausted by the time I got to bed around eight last night. I slept twelve hours but it was the first day I never took a nap. Margo is a great mother. I’m sure of it. This morning Maggie would come and take me to the hospital to run some tests. I carefully chose a red dress, showered, styled my hair the best I could, and even applied makeup for the first time without having to redo it.

Margo had breakfast ready for me and today I managed to have two eggs, one piece of bacon, and a slice of toast. Margo wouldn’t allow me to have coffee or tea, but I was getting used to her juice blends.

When Maggie arrived I hugged Margo, grabbed my things, and met Maggie at the car.

“I can’t get over the changes in you, Emma. It’s only been five days since I last saw you and you look healthier every time I see you.”

“I feel better as well. I’m starting to exercise and swim. Yesterday I even ran a little, although not without incident.”

“Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it.”

The drive to St. Petersburg General Hospital was a short one. The beauty of living in a place with a lot of retirees is that there’s a hospital on every corner.

The nurse remarked at how wonderful I looked and checked my weight. Ninety-three pounds. “You’ve gained eleven pounds since Christmas. I’d love to see you between one hundred and fifteen and one hundred and twenty.”

“Me too.”

“We’ve taken another sample of your blood and I’ve ordered an MRI of your brain. Luckily, we have your old results with us and someone that can assess this today.”

“I’m not very fond of hospitals.”

“I’ve been told that. I promise to have you home this afternoon.”

The MRI was excruciatingly horrible. I could barely hear myself think with all the clanging going on and the space inside the machine was so small I was a little claustrophobic. When it was all done the nurse told me to stay close.

I headed for the cafeteria and sat down to eat a small salad and then when Maggie and the nurse hadn’t come for me yet I began wandering the halls. At some point, I found the children’s wing and snuck inside. My heart went out to them, even more so than before as now I had a little inkling as to what they might be going through.

Maggie and my nurse found me an hour later as I had five kids around me as I was reading them stories. I guess it was hard for them to be angry at me. Leaving the children behind I prayed for a favorable diagnosis. I want to live and a chance to have my own children.

Back in a private room the nurse provided the diagnosis.

“Let’s start with the good news. The neurological issues that were noted on the last exam, are no longer found. Maggie and I have come up with a theory on this. There was a portion of the patient’s brain that was malfunctioning. We believe that during the transfer the portion of your brain that handled similar functions was written into a healthy location in your brain. In other words, you appear to be healed as a result of the transformation process.”

“That’s fantastic! You mean I’m not in any danger of dying anymore?”

“Not entirely. To be certain we would need to continue tests. Bloodwork once a week and another MRI in a few months. The enzymes and proteins your body needs to metabolize your food also seem to be increasing. That, along with your improved health makes us fairly confident for a long-term positive result. That said, you’re not out of the woods yet. Your body weight is still too low and your muscles have deteriorated. I want you to continue swimming and walking, and if all goes well in a few weeks, I’ll recommend you start going to a gym to perform yoga, very light weights, and some cardio. Stay away from stimulants until your heart condition improves.”

Maggie was smiling broadly. “Congratulations, Emma. I hope you’re not disappointed.”

“This is the best news I’ve ever been given.”

On the way back home I had the strangest feeling when we were parked at a stoplight. I looked around quickly catching a glimpse of someone in another car. For a second I was sure it was the old me but that wasn’t possible.

***

Declan tried hard all day to forget the conversation he had with Joe yesterday. He ran on the beach for miles, thrilled about how his new body could seemingly run forever without getting tired. He swam in the resort pools and spent another hour staring at his reflection in the mirror.

“What happened to you, William? You had everything going for you and you gave it up. If I had met you before all of this, I’m certain I would have fallen in love with you. When I return home I also have a question for Henry about my dreams.”

It was late in the afternoon when Declan headed down to the hotel concierge to find out about pizza places in town.

“There’s not many really good places here that I could recommend, but I’ve heard good things from some guests about Toby’s Original out on forty-ninth street. You can take a cab from here, straight down thirty-eighth, past the St. Petersburg General Hospital, and turn right on forty-ninth.”

“Thank you.”

Declan took a cab for the eighteen-minute drive from the resort. He had always loved pizza and getting away from the hotel WIFI was imperative as all he wanted to do was to find out more about William. He was on the phone to his mother filling her in on how things were going.

“Things are going well, mom. I ran into someone yesterday that thought I was someone else. He actually knew the person that had this body before me.”

“You’re certain?”

“Yes.”

“That must have been interesting.”

“No kidding! He told me a little bit about William. Mom, he was an amazing person…”

They were stopped at a light and when it went green Declan turned his head to see two women in a car stopped at the light. He swore he was looking at his old self.

“Stop the car!” The driver looked back at Declan like he was crazy. “Pull to the side. Let me out!”

“Declan, what’s going on?”

“Just one second, mom.”

The cab pulled to the side and Declan jumped out just as the car with the women drove off. Jumping back into the cab Declan pointed at the car driving north. “Can you follow that car?”

“Man, you’re crazy! I’m heading east. It will take me five minutes to get turned around. That car will be long gone.”

“Fine… Keep going to the pizza place.”

“Declan? What’s going on?”

“I swear I just saw my old body.”

***

“That was the strangest feeling, Maggie. I’m positive I just saw my old body back at the light.”

“I’ve had other donors say similar things. It’s a leftover from the transfer process. Sort of like when someone loses a body part they can still feel it, we’ve had patients and donors experience Deja-vu like symptoms.”

“I guess that makes sense. What do you think my chances are?”

“About your health?” I nodded. “I’m not a doctor, Emma.”

“Have you seen anyone recover after a transformation?”

“Just one. Sometimes I think the patient gives up on themselves even when there is little wrong with them. A new life and perspective can make all the difference in the world.”

“I’m going to run a half-marathon this year and I’m going to Katmandu.”

“What’s in Katmandu?”

“The Paropakar Orphanage. I spent a few months there early last year.”

“International travel is hard on a body, Emma. Don’t even consider it until you’re at your target weight.”

I was bubbling with excitement. I have a chance, a real chance. “I had pizza last night for dinner.”

“What’s with you and pizza?”

“It has everything a young woman needs. What a blessing this has been!”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I was depressed and down on myself, struggling with the loss of my wife and unborn child and with my own identity issues. I gave up my life willingly, and become that which I always felt I should be. No matter what happens, I’ll always look upon Christmas Day last year as the day my life really became worth living.”

“You know we’ve never offered a patient any options other than their own gender before because we never had anyone in your situation. You’re a good person, Emma. I’m glad everything has worked out for you. Truly, I am.”

“Do you think the patient lives near Norwalk?”

“Don’t even think about it!”

“Why not? If you were in their shoes, wouldn’t you want to know they didn’t have to carry around the guilt of taking someone else’s life? That it all worked out for everyone? I still dream of him every night. It’s like we’re connected somehow.”

“You don’t know that’s the case. Them seeing their old body alive and well might send them into a deep depression. They chose this as a last chance at life. In other words, they would never have chosen this option otherwise.”

“You don’t know that for sure. Plus, you could always switch us back.”

“Didn’t you read the fine print? The procedure doesn’t allow for reversal. It’s not technologically possible yet due to brain transfer damage.”

“It’s not like I want my old body back anyways. I love being Emma Taylor even if I’m weaker than a dried-up twig in the desert.”

“My advice to you is to cherish what you have, forget about the past, and move on with your life. If you find your dreams about your old body sexy, then consider going out on a date with a guy, Maybe that will help you cope. Here you are, back at home.”

“When will I see you next?”

“You’re on your own unless for some reason you regress. You don’t need me anymore and I must move on to other clients. It’s been an honor, Emma. There are not many souls like yours in this world.”

“Thank you, Maggie. For everything. I’ll send you a postcard from Nepal.”

Maggie leaned over and hugged me. “Take care, Emma.”

“You too, Maggie.”

I rushed into the house and gave Margo a giant hug. “They say I’m cured!”

“That’s the best news I’ve heard in a long time. It’s time to celebrate.”

***

Declan had one more day in the Tampa area and he had to discover more about William while he was here. He was the king of Internet searches. Years of being bed-ridden and in and out of hospitals gave him ample time to learn the best techniques for digging up information on just about anything. He started by searching for William Matson knowing that the S.L.E.P. organization paid people good money to eradicate all evidence of the former person’s life. When nothing came up, that didn’t stop Declan.

Snapping a selfie of himself, he went to Google’s image search and after sorting through thousands of photos, he ran into an image from a local newspaper. “Diane Matson, twenty-four years old and resident of Indian Shores, was pronounced dead on arrival at a hospital in Valdosta, Georgia, Thursday night. She was travelling to Asheville, NC to visit with her parents to share the good news that she was pregnant. William Matson, as seen in their wedding photo above, was notified yesterday. Funeral services are to be held next Tuesday at…”

Declan wiped a tear from his cheek. “Maybe I shouldn’t look any further? Perhaps he was so broken by the death of his wife and child that he wanted to end his life? But what if that was the old me in the car yesterday? Wouldn’t he want to know what a good thing he did for me?”

William had been well off financially if he had been able to give Declan a million dollars. Just one more search, thought Declan. The article suggested that William lived in Indian Shores. There must be tax records and Declan didn’t care how good the S.L.E.P. team is, they probably missed the tax records. Declan searched the county tax records for William Matson and while there were no current holdings, there was one not too long ago. The records listed a home not far from the hotel but the name was switched to Emma Taylor several weeks back on Christmas Day. That had to be it… Emma Taylor…

Without thinking, Declan hailed a taxi and headed for Indian Shores.

***

“Time to wake up, Emma!”

I sat up feeling a little groggy. Checking the time, the clock read nine in the morning. I’d been sleeping in until ten most days. Tossing on my robe I wondered what Margo was up to.

“There you are, Emma. Drink up your breakfast smoothie and get ready to go.”

“Go where?”

“The gym. To celebrate that you’re getting better, I took it upon myself to arrange for a personal trainer for you. Your first session is in just under an hour.”

“A personal trainer?”

“There’s only so much my good nutrition can do for you. You need to recover your muscle mass.”

“At least I have a good excuse if I can’t lift much weight. You didn’t get me the kind of personal trainer that yells at me all the time, did you?”

“You’ll just have to wait and see.” Margo winked at me mischievously.

I drank up my smoothie and with Margo’s insistence I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and didn’t worry much about anything else. In twenty minutes, I was ready to go.

“You’re going to love this, Emma.”

Margo pulled out of the driveway to take me to the gym.

***

Minutes later, Declan pulled up to Emma’s house. He kept the taxi idling in case no one was home or perhaps Emma turned out to be the wrong person. Stepping up to the front door, Declan knocked several times and then rang the doorbell. He considered leaving a note, but what would he even say. “Hello, Emma. I hope you’re doing well with my body. Love, Declan.”

Declan laughed at himself. The chances that Emma Taylor was William Matson was pretty far-fetched. Did he really think he would write “Love Declan?”

Turning back to the taxi, Declan gave up the idea even though his heart was pounding with anticipation. There’s no telling how William might react to seeing his old, fit body again.

***

“Emma, this is Mike Gager. Mike, meet Emma Taylor.”

I’d seen Mike’s type before in the gym. He was only around five feet nine and spent oodles of time in the gym to make himself look bigger. He has a great physique, but I think I’d be interested in someone a little taller, like the man of my dreams. That thought caused me to flush with warmth. Did I really just think that?

“Nice to meet you, Mike.”

“I’ll be back in two hours, Emma. Enjoy!”

“You’re leaving me here?”

“If you work hard, and I’ll need confirmation from Mike on that, then maybe I’ll make you something special for lunch.”

Mike took this as a perfect opportunity and guided me into his office with a hand way too close to my backside. “Come and have a seat in my office, Emma. Let’s figure out what your goals are.”

Sighing, I pulled up a chair and reminded myself I could be still in bed right now.

“Let’s start by you telling me a bit about yourself. You’re obviously not here to lose weight.”

That’s insulting. Maybe it’s just my new hormones, or perhaps all female brains are wired to get offended at any reference to weight. “I’ve spent years in and out of hospitals with a wasting disease. The doctors say I’m cured now, so on with life.”

“Great. What are your goals then?”

Did he just ignore the fact that this body has been ill all its life? Why am I so moody all of a sudden? I wonder if it is just his probing eyes or wandering hands. “Mike, I understand Margo set this up for me, but have you ever worked with someone that’s recovering from an illness before?”

“Fitness is fitness. It doesn’t matter where you start, it’s all about results.”

Mike’s phone rang and he took the call. I stood, waved at him, and slipped back into the gym. I soon found what I was looking for, a thirty-something female trainer. She was in her office and her walls were plastered with training certificates. “Excuse me? I’m looking for a trainer. I feel a little bad as I was introduced to Mike and I don’t think he can understand my needs.”

“I’m Gail. Let’s go someplace more comfortable to talk. Can I get you anything?”

“Emma. No thank you. I’m good.”

Gail led me to a lounge area with comfy seats. “How long have you been ill, Emma?”

“Nine years. The doctors just cleared me. They never knew what was the real root cause, but my brain wasn’t commanding my body to produce enzymes and proteins necessary for metabolizing food properly. Something changed on Christmas and suddenly I’m working again. I wasn’t supposed to make it this long but each day I’m getting better.”

“That’s wonderful to hear you’re on the mend. How’s your diet? Do you know if you’re getting the right balance?”

“I have help at home and she’s a nutritionist. I’m eating a wide variety of foods.”

“Where do you want to see yourself in a year?”

“I need to gain around twenty-two pounds but want that to be a healthy mix of muscle and fat. I want to run a half-marathon.”

“When was your last period?”

That caused me to pause. “I have no idea.”

“Your body has been stressed and you’re very thin. If we can get your weight up some more and make sure you’re not too lean, they should start again. How’s your heart?”

“With my weight being so low the doctors are still worried about me having a heart attack.”

“All right. I’ll need to perform a few tests on you before we get started. I need to measure your weight, height, body fat percentage, and get your resting heart rate. From there I can build a plan for you.”

Mike found us thirty minutes later while we were wrapping up the measurements. “Thanks, Gail. I can take over from here. Let’s get you started on the bench press. It was Anna, right?”

Gail was looking frustrated and I had no time for the inconsiderate man. “Sorry, Mike. I’ve decided Gail is more suitable to be my trainer.”

He glared at Gail and then turned to follow two pretty women.

“Sorry about that, Gail.”

“Don’t worry about it. Most people don’t realize how many specializations there are in personal training. You can’t take someone that has been in your condition and throw them into a regular routine. Now, if you wanted to become a Miss Universe competitor, then Mike might be the right trainer. I’m all about balance, motion, core, and body sculpting.”

“Do you think if I gain some weight I would look pretty?”

“You’re already pretty, Emma. Adding weight and toning your muscles will make you look gorgeous. I’ll need you to get a heartrate monitor. I don’t want your heartrate too high until you can get your weight to at least one hundred and five. Let’s start you out on some core muscle and balance training.”

***

The next day Declan flew home and upon arriving, sat down with his mother. “I really needed that little trip. You were right. I’d like to take three or four months and travel to allow myself some time to think about my future. Thankfully I have time to figure out what I want to do in life.”

“Where are you thinking you want to go?”

“I’ve always wanted to see Paris. I could go from there to Italy, and from Italy to Nepal.”

“Nepal?”

“There’s an orphanage in Katmandu that William Matson spent time at.”

“You told me that’s the name of the person who donated their body to you. Why are you doing this?”

“I need to get into the head of who he was and why he would be willing to give up his life for mine.”

“Declan, listen to me. You’re enamored with this person. That’s understandable given what he did for you but you need to move on with your life.”

“I know I need to move on, mom. It’s just hard to explain. I need closure and I believe taking this trip will help me to that.”

“All right. Have you considered your future and your desire to have a family? Do you know what you want?”

“Some. It’s still too early to tell, but I know that men no longer hold interest for me and I’ve found myself looking at women. S.L.E.P. made it clear that this would happen. Maybe if I meet the right woman it will all come together for me.”

“Just remember we’re here for you. What of your friends in town? Will you get together with them again?”

“I doubt it, mom. It’s all too strange with me being a man now. It’s not like we can go shopping for clothes together or gossip about men any more. They seem more interested in what I have below my belt than being friends. What’s the phrase? You can’t go home again? It’s almost appropriate.”

***

It was now February twenty-fifth and two months since my transformation. The reflection in the mirror was no longer strange to me and my daily routine of hair, makeup, and other female things had become second nature. My wardrobe had grown extensively, especially as my body began to fill out. For six weeks, I had been working out with Gail five days a week. Margo had been increasing my caloric intake and my checkups with the nurse had been moving further and further apart on the calendar.

Last week we celebrated my first triple-digit weigh-in. I hit one hundred pounds and was now close to my goal. My bras no longer had gaps in them and I was lightly jogging a mile at a time.

My body was responding to all the good things I was doing for it and this morning I woke to my first period. This took me completely by surprise and I had to drive down to a store to pick up a variety of feminine hygiene items. When I told Margo about it, she was thrilled.

“You’re becoming so much healthier. I can see the glow returning to your face and your skin is tanned. I’m wondering if I could take some time off? Next month I need to visit my sister in Canada. Can you survive without me for three or four weeks?”

“I feel so much better and I have energy almost all day long now. I’m feeling healthy enough for a trip myself. We can leave around the same time.”

“Where would you go?”

“Nepal. There’s an orphanage there I’ve spent time at. I want to see how they’re doing and if I can help. The increase in altitude will help me get my heart and lungs a needed challenge. Gail told me I can start running now. A month from now I should be close to my target weight.”

Margo smiled. “Once you get to your target weight you’ll have to start eating more carefully.”

“Oh, the joys of being a woman… I’ll be eating salads the rest of my life. Better get my fill of pizza in before.”

“What are your plans for the day?”

“I’m going to try to run to the pier and then this afternoon I’ll start planning my trip.”

***

Declan stared out of his hotel room at the Eifel Tower. He had spent two weeks in Paris so far and had another two to go. It was a little lonely, but he had never travelled before. He left for his trip a few days after his parent’s anniversary. It was a joyous occasion and one that made his heart fill with longing. His dreams about being in love with his old body were so persistent that he feared no other woman would compare for him.

As part of a daily routine, Declan grabbed his backpack and headed out into the city. Today, he would visit the Louvre. He loved his new body and found the testosterone flowing through his system hard to control at times. Women had been catching his eye more and more frequently and his release mechanism required him to fantasize about being with his old self. This was odd at first, but the more time he spent as Declan, the more he became accustomed to the idea of being with women.

Declan sat down at a little coffee shop on the way to the Louvre. He was absentmindedly staring into space thinking about his life and William when a shadow blocked the sun from his face. “William? Is that you? What are you doing in Paris?”

Declan looked up at a beautiful brunette woman. “I’m sorry, I don’t know you.”

The woman sat down and laughed. “You were always a joker. I haven’t seen you in ages. What brings you to Paris?”

“No, really. I don’t know who you are.” Declan fumbled through his backpack and handed her a card. “The William you knew is no longer. I’m Declan Rawlings.”

Her eyes went wide and a tear slipped down her cheek. “What did you do, William? I’m sorry to bother you, Declan.”

She stood to go. “You knew William? Could you tell me about him?”

She turned back and stared a long moment at Declan. “I went to school with him. I’m Nancy Estridge.”

“Please, Nancy. Have a seat.”

Nancy sat down and ordered a coffee. She kept staring at Declan. “This is so strange. Tell me what you know about William, Declan.”

“Not much. The S.L.E.P. project tries hard to protect donors and recipients from having knowledge of each other. The procedure happened on Christmas Day last year and a few weeks later I went to Florida to clear my head. That’s when I ran into Joe Moran.”

“Oh my gosh! Joe! I haven’t heard that name in a few years.”

“He thought I was William and I learned William’s name and found some information about Diane’s accident. That’s about all I know other than he was very kind and generous.”

“He’s the best person I ever knew. I knew William since elementary school. I remember when he missed a week of school in sixth grade. I found out later he lost both of his parents. You would think such a tragedy would change someone for the worse, but it only made William a better person.”

“So, he lost his parents and years later his wife and unborn child… That’s tragic.”

“I guess knowing that you’re not William I can share a little more. I loved William. I wanted to marry him. We started dating after our senior year in high school. One day he shared with me his desire to have a family and children. That’s when I blurted out that I loved him. He was shocked at first and then unloaded on me. He thought I knew he struggled with his identity. He always wanted to be female. I had no idea and I broke it off with him. For a long time, this revelation kept me away from him until I realized I was still in love with him. By that time, it was too late. A year had passed and William had moved on. He met Diane in College.”

“That must have been devastating to you.”

“It was. When I finally got a chance to speak with him, he was already engaged. He told me he had to move on with his life and because of my reaction, feared telling others about his identity issues. Diane was his chance to lead a normal life.”

“Did you stay in touch?”

“No. I reached out after Diane was killed but he was a lost soul. He headed to Nepal to find himself and I never heard from him again. I’m sure he gave up his life for you as a way to be finally free of his pain.”

“It’s amazing that even at the end of his life William could be so giving.”

“I’ve never met anyone like him before. It’s why I never married. I just couldn’t find anyone that could compare. He was truly remarkable. Tell me about yourself, Declan.”

“Not much to tell, really. I was twenty-three and had been ill for nine years when S.L.E.P. contacted me about being selected for the program. Ever since the transformation I’ve been taking time to find myself and try to decide what I want in life now that I have one. This is the first time I’ve travelled anywhere other than my trip to Florida.”

“What do you want in life?”

“A family.”

Nancy’s eyes softened. “How long are you in town for?”

“Two more weeks before I take the train to Italy for a month.”

“How would you like it if I showed you Paris?”

“I’d like that very much.”

***

Margo and I travelled to the airport the same day. It was late March and now three months since the transfer. I was grateful that every day I would wake as the woman I always wanted to be. My health continued to improve and under Margo and Gail’s careful regiment, I was just shy of my target weight. I looked fit and trim. My hair had become silkier, my eyes, brighter, and there were no more dark circles under them.

I was now running five miles per day and on target to meet my half-marathon race near the end of the year. Everything was going perfectly, except that I now felt my biological clock ticking and my dreams about my old self pervasive. Over the past few weeks I had been asked out a half a dozen times. I declined all of them, preferring to take this trip before getting involved with anyone even though Maggie believed it might help me with my dreams. How can I be in love with someone I don’t even know?

I hugged Margo and we separated in the airport as I headed to my gate. My flights would take me to New York before the longest flight to Tokyo and on to Nepal. I had an hour to kill at the gate so I sat and people watched. I felt a little like a secret agent under cover and wondered how many people might suspect that three months ago I was someone else.

“Samantha? No, wait… you can’t be Samantha. I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right. Did you know Samantha?”

“I still do, sort of. This is so hard to grasp. Were you the guy that…? Wow! You look great! I thought Samantha was dying?”

“Do you have time to sit?”

The young woman checked her phone. “About thirty minutes. I’m Missy Franklin.”

“My new name is Emma Taylor. I never knew Samantha’s name before now.”

“She was my best friend. Samantha Rawlings. After the change, she’s sort of distanced herself. How come you look so good?”

“The doctors believed Samantha’s brain was broken in an area that would normally trigger the creation of things to make her absorb nutrients from her food. When the transformation happened, either that part of the brain was overwritten or it moved to another location. Either way, this body was healed.”

“I have to take your picture. Declan will never believe it.”

“Declan?”

“Declan Rawlings. Samantha’s new name.”

Missy took out her phone and snapped a picture.

“What was Samantha like?”

“I was so pleased when I heard that S.L.E.P. chose her. The world needs more people like Samantha, I mean Declan. She was giving, kind, and sweet. Sometimes she would sneak out of her hospital room to read stories to the kids in the children’s wing. That must be a real trip for you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Going from a tall, handsome guy to a sick young woman. It was so strange with Declan that I’ve not seen him for a while. I messed up and didn’t follow S.L.E.P. protocols.” She rolled her eyes. “You were pretty hunky if I must say so. Anyways, Declan decided to travel a bit to find himself. Is that what you’re doing?”

“Sort of. I’m moving on with my life and now that I’m healthy I wanted to travel before settling down.”

“That’s a good plan. Do you mind if I give you a hug? I’ve missed my best friend and to think you risked your life for hers…”

“Of course.”

Missy hugged me so tight I thought I would break.

“This is so awesome! I’ve got to run.”

“Thanks, Missy!”

***

Declan’s phone chirped. He was in Rome at the coliseum at the time. The message was from Missy. “Guess who I just ran into?” It took a second before a photo of her old self popped onto the screen.

Declan texted back. “OMG! I… She… looks great.”

“Emma Taylor is her name. She’s really, really, sweet, just like you are. I’m sorry about the last time we met. Please forgive me. I need my Samantha/Declan in my life.”

“I need you too. Did she say where she was going or how she is looking so good?”

“Emma said it had something to do with a broken part of your brain that was fixed during the transfer process. Pretty cool, huh? No idea where she is going. Got to catch my flight. TTYL.”

Declan was about to text her mother when another text came in. “Heya gorgeous. Missing you.”

Declan stared at his phone and the small picture of Nancy. He and Nancy had hit it off. They hadn’t slept with each other or anything, but they seemed to click in a nagging sort of way. Declan hastily texted a reply. “Miss you too. See you in two months.”

He scrolled over to the picture sent from Missy and his heart wrenched as he saw her.

***

For the past month, I lived and worked at the Paropakar Orphanage in Katmandu. They were always welcoming of strangers and I never bothered to tell them who I really was. Being with the children confirmed in my heart that this is what I was meant for.

On my days off, I would hike and run and enjoy the food and culture of the region. I watched my weight carefully and I seemed to have plateaued at one hundred and sixteen pounds. I felt wonderful and my heart was full of joy. It was with some sadness that I said my goodbyes and headed to the airport for the long trip home.

I need to get on track with my life and being home will help me settle. Every night I’ve been dreaming about Declan and every morning I would wake flushed and excited. While this trip had helped me immensely, the run in with Missy had affected me more than it should have. Getting home will help me focus.

***

Declan had been searching for several days in Katmandu before he got a lead to the Paropakar Orphanage. It sounded right. Joe had mentioned something about the Parkour Orphanage. When he arrived, he was met with a building that was in very much need of repair. There was a monk that ran the place and he smiled wide when Declan approached. His English was broken but it was clear to Declan that he was very much welcomed there.

“Good to have you back, William.”

“Can I stay and help out?”

“Certainly. Our guest room was just vacated by a young woman that had come to help us out. You’re free to use it.”

Declan didn’t bother correcting his name as there was no need to add to the confusion. “A young woman?”

“She called herself Emma.”

Declan pulled out his phone and brought up a picture. “Was this her?”

The monk smiled exposing the gaps in his teeth. “Yes. A beautiful woman on the inside and out.”

Declan was frustrated that once again he somehow just missed Emma. It was as if fate itself was intervening to keep them from connecting.

***

I could smell the bacon before I even opened my eyes. Today marked six months from my transformation. I was still holding at one hundred and sixteen pounds and luckily still enjoying all the food I wanted.

I got up and stretched before heading into the kitchen. “Congratulations, Emma. Six months and you’re perfectly healthy.”

“I’ve been blessed. I have a date tonight.”

“Really?”

“A guy from the gym. He’s been pestering me for weeks. It’s kind of sweet in a way. I won’t need dinner tonight.”

“I feel like you’re my daughter and you’re finally growing up. I know you don’t need me here anymore.”

“You’re like the mom I never had, Margo. You’re right. I’ve been a little selfish wanting to keep you around and I know you’ve been wanting to spend more time with your family.” I passed her an envelope. “You’re welcome to stay, of course.”

Margo opened the envelope and gasped. “It’s too much!”

“Nonsense. You saved me and I know you can use the extra money. Just promise me you won’t forget about me and visit from time to time.”

“You’re my family too, Emma. Thank you. I was hoping to work through the rest of the week here if that’s all right with you. My family will appreciate me being home for them especially with summer just about here.”

Hugging Margo I felt my tears flow freely.

***

When Declan arrived back at the New York airport a month ago, Nancy was there to pick him up. She kissed him which caught him a little off guard. They had never kissed in Paris. There was a part of himself that he was holding back.

Over the past month, Nancy had become a fixture around the house. Declan’s heart wasn’t into the relationship and struggled making a commitment. Nancy had been upset when he told her he wanted to wait until marriage but that didn’t dissuade her from wanting to continue their relationship. Sometimes Declan wondered if Nancy was in love with William or him.

Today, Declan had decided to take a little time and look for a place to rent. It wasn’t right that he was still living at home. While relations with his parents and even Missy and Claire had become effortless and normal, there was still something missing.

The month in the orphanage had changed him. He wanted to give back and yet he was unsure how. What he did know is that he was in love; not with Nancy, but with Emma Taylor. Emma, a person that knew he existed but didn’t know him at all.

***

Thanksgiving Day had arrived and I stood at the door of Margo’s home holding a pumpkin pie I had baked myself. I was a little tired but not because I was ill, rather I had just completed my half marathon earlier that morning. My race time was exceptional and I promised myself to run the entire marathon next Thanksgiving.

The door opened and Margo and her family welcomed me inside as one of their own.

“No plus one tonight?”

“I’ve had a number of dates, but I’m still struggling trying to find the right one.”

“It will happen for you. You’re too good of a catch to be single for long.”

We all sat at the table and the tradition in this family was for everyone to say something they were thankful for. When it came to be my turn, I choked up. Margo got up and wrapped her arms around me as my thankfulness let loose like a raging torrent. I was embarrassed but everyone at the table knew what I had gone through and what life and their love meant to me.

“We’re grateful you have come into our lives, Emma. Maybe it would be easier to ask you what you want for Christmas. What’s your wish, dream, prayer?”

“Something is holding me back and I don’t know what it is. It’s my wish and dream that by Christmas Day, one year from my transformation, that I would find the fulfillment and direction for my heart. I pray for all of you, your health and wellbeing, and I pray for Declan and his family that he will find everything his heart desires.”

***

Declan toyed with the small box in his pocket. It weighed almost nothing and yet it seemed incredibly heavy. It was December twenty-third and for months he had struggled with the right thing to do. Tomorrow everyone would meet at his parent’s place for dinner and the next day, he planned to ask Nancy to marry him even though his heart was conflicted.

Nancy was enjoying some last-minute shopping as Declan watched television trying to calm his nerves and settle his brain.

“…Give the gift of life this season by remembering those whose lives will be cut short. You’ve lived a good life. You’re healthy. You’re generous. This young girl needs you. This young man deserves a chance at a full life. What better gift this Christmas than to give your life for another. Contact the Sacrificial Life Extension Project for more details…”

Declan coughed on his drink and his heart skipped a beat. In a gentle whisper, he voiced his wishes. “It’s my wish and dream that Emma Taylor finds all that she deserves. She gave me everything and I would willingly give my life in return for hers. Bless her and may she enjoy an illness free life that is full of love.”

***

“Hello Emma! Can we expect you over here on Christmas Day?”

“Sorry, Margo. Thank you. I’m heading up to Norwalk.”

“You’re not…”

“No. I’m not going to hunt down Declan. I need to move on, but I remember the children in the hospital and thought it would be nice to come full circle.”

“You can do that here in any hospital.”

“I know. Last year… when I was leaving the hospital… There was just something there. I have to go back.”

“We love you, Emma. Take care of yourself.”

“I will. Love you all too.”

***

Declan’s mother raised her glass. “One year ago, things were quite different. What had been hopeless, was replaced with hope. Now, on Christmas Eve a year later, we have a son.” She turned to look at Nancy who had her hand on Declan’s thigh protectively. “What a blessing we have been given.”

Nancy stood and stroked the back of Declan’s head with her fingers. She held up her glass. “Thank you all for having me here. You’ve made me feel like family.”

It was more than Declan could stand. He stood and quickly walked away from the table. Nancy ran after him.

“Damn it, Declan! Not here. Not now! You’ve been wishy-washy for months. You need to see what’s right in front of your face and not pining for something that doesn’t exist!”

Declan reached for his jacket.

“Don’t do this, Declan!”

Declan reached out his hand. He didn’t mean to hurt Nancy, or anyone. He turned the handle on the door and stepped out into the snowy night.

***

It was Christmas Day and the air was filled with excitement and glittering lights sparkled on the Christmas tree. I had brought dozens of presents and pulled one smiling and laughing child onto my lap at a time. It gave me such joy to see the light in their eyes. Coming back here was what I needed; where it all began.

***

Declan had wandered through the night, frustrated with himself and his lack of desire to commit to Nancy. She was pretty and he knew she loved him. She was easy to talk to and liked many of the things he liked, but there were some things she couldn’t fathom. He wanted to go back to the orphanage in Nepal and work more, but Nancy was always focused on long-term security and things. That’s probably what bothered him the most was her desire for things.

Looking up, Declan was surprised to find himself standing before the Norwalk Hospital. Christmas Day, one year ago exactly, his life had changed dramatically. On a whim, he entered the hospital and headed up to the third floor. He found his old room and looked inside.

It had all begun here for him. Now, seeing the empty room, he chastised himself. He had a wonderful family and a woman that, no doubt, wanted to marry him. Emma Taylor must have moved on with her life, and even if she didn’t, there was no reason for him to believe that she would even be interested in him.

His fingers felt the box in his pants pocket. He hoped Nancy would forgive him.

Turning around he headed for the elevator and rode the three floors down. When he turned the corner, he was looking straight into the children’s wing. There, sitting on a chair with a child on her lap was Emma Taylor. Emma looked up and her eyes met his with instant recognition.

***

I gently put the child on my lap down and stood. Declan Rawlings had come to the hospital and now he stood no more than fifty feet from me. Seeing my old body and the new man I’d struggled to forget, tears fell from my cheek. It was hopeless and my feet were moving before my brain could suggest otherwise.

I was running, but he was as well. The clamor of the children on Christmas morning fell away as I threw myself into his arms. For a long while neither of us spoke, but we crushed ourselves into each other. My sobbing was as uncontrolled as his.

Slowly, I pulled myself away long enough to look into his eyes. Hundreds of questions came to mind and hundreds of conflicting emotions filled my heart. My heart was racing in a way that it never had before. His hands touched my cheeks and his lips sought mine. His kiss wasn’t what I expected and when we once again pulled away he looked frightened.

“That wasn’t a hello Emma kind of kiss.”

“I’m sorry, I presumed much.”

There was a tangible connection between us like I had never felt before. What little I had learned about this person over the past year and my dreams fueled a love inside me that was beyond anything I could ever describe. If I make a mistake here I’ll break my heart forever.

“I don’t think so.” Unleashing my heart, I kissed him back.

We took a moment to grasp what had just taken place. For a long minute, we held each other’s hands in silence. Declan took me over to a couch and sat me down.

“There hasn’t been a day in the past year that I haven’t thought about you, Emma. At first, it was what you did for me and what you saved me from. Your letter touched me deeply and your financial gift… I could never fully grasp the magnitude of your sacrifice for me. Over the past year I’ve learned more about you, your losses, your love of children, your giving and generous heart. I fell in love with a ghost; someone that should have died in my old body but miraculously lived. I went to your house in Florida and followed you to an orphanage in Nepal, finally giving up all hope that our paths would cross. I’m somehow not surprised to find you here handing out presents to children.”

“For the first few weeks I was too tired and worn out to do much of anything, but I was thankful and oddly joyous. By choosing me, Declan, you set me free of a tremendous burden I had carried all my life. Even though I was dangerously underweight and lacked energy, I couldn’t have been happier. There wasn’t a moment I wasn’t grateful for you. I remember that I thought I saw you once in Florida and I felt a need to tell you not to worry about me. I had just received the news that they considered me cured and I wanted to reach out to you. My S.L.E.P. worker, Maggie, persuaded me that it might be detrimental for you to see me getting better. I love being Emma and I could understand what she was thinking. I dated some and tried to move on with my life, but my dreams have only been of you. I couldn’t commit because my heart wouldn’t let me. I feel like I’ve known you my entire life and my heart feels like we’re connected beyond anything words can explain.”

“I feel it too, Emma. I’ve dreamed of you every night as well.” Declan’s phone chirped and he ignored it. “This is going to sound strange, but before the transformation I was afraid to die alone. Seeing you here, I know I will die without you.” His phone chirped again.

He started to reach me for when a woman with brunette hair rushed through the door. “Declan!” I recognized her. Nancy Estridge. She pulled him up and away and didn’t even look at me. Her lips were on his. “I’m sorry, Declan. I’ve not been considerate of all that you’ve gone through before. I was critical of your desire to go back to Nepal next year. I love you, Declan. Come home, please.”

Quietly I slipped out of the hospital and into the parking lot. Snow fell in a delicate dance around me. It’s not meant to be. “Why? I’ve never asked for anything before and the one thing that feels right you have to take away!” I thought fate had intervened for the first time in my life in a way that would bring me love and peace instead of pain. I could picture my heart and how it had hardened with the death of my parents, and then Diane and our child. My heart had always been a fragile piece of crystal and only when I gave of it was it protected from shattering. Not so today. In seconds, I had given my heart completely to someone I didn’t even know. I thought, perhaps, that he felt the same way. Collapsing onto the ground, each tear that fell tore a piece from my heart.

“Emma?”

Strong arms lifted me easily off the snow-covered pavement. I wrapped my arms around Declan’s neck and felt the warm air of the hospital as we entered. He sat me down and wrapped his jacket around me. I couldn’t look him in the eyes.

“I should have known, Declan… I was foolish… Please, go and be with your family. Live the life you’ve always dreamed and wished for and know that I will forever be grateful that you chose me.”

“Emma. Look at me.”

“I can’t. I need to go.”

“Emma… It’s over between me and Nancy. We never even… I couldn’t commit to her because I was hopelessly in love with someone else. You say I should live the life I’ve always dreamed of and wished for. I’ve never wished or dreamed for anything more than you. Look at me, Emma.” Gentle fingers lifted my chin until my eyes focused on his. “It’s hard to explain, Emma, and I doubt anyone could understand what I feel for you and what I suspect you feel for me. We’re bound together with the same hopes and dreams. Maybe this was a leftover of the transfer, but I don’t care. I love you and want you, Emma Taylor.”

I threw my arms around his neck. “You’re the greatest present I could ever ask for.” Declan’s lips found mine.

“Can I take you home? There are people you should meet, but I think there are children yet that are still waiting for their presents.”

“Of course!” I smiled and leaned into him. It felt right as if it was meant to be all along. Grabbing his hand, I pulled him into the children’s wing.

***

One year later I walked into the Norwalk Hospital. I stood a moment inhaling the sterile scent as a reminder of where it all began. Turning back towards the entrance I could feel the warmth rise in my cheeks and my heart beat a little bit faster as the love of my life struggled with a large bag of gifts. Trailing Declan were his parents, Missy, and Claire. Declan and I had convinced them they wouldn’t want to miss this opportunity as there was no greater joy in seeing the smiles of the children on Christmas Day. Well, almost no greater joy. A sparkle of light guided my eyes down to my left hand where my wedding ring reflected the lights in the room as I absentmindedly stroked the slight swell of my belly. In four months, we’d have a child of our own.

I rushed over to hug and kiss Declan. “Merry Christmas, my love!”

***

***

I hope that you enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please take a moment to leave a comment or review. I love to hear from my readers.

Thank you and may all your dreams and wishes come true.

Casey Brooke