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Ashley Roberts and his older sister Megan are forced to move to Littleton Colorado after Ashley’s father was released from prison, Philip Roberts was an abusive drunk with a very foul temper and Unfortunately, Ashley was his main target.  Ashley was around 5’6 and weighed maybe a hundred pounds. He had been a disappointment to his father for years

 

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Preface

 

      Boston to Littleton, it had been a 2-day drive as we finally pulled into the city that would become our home. I honestly wasn't happy about leaving I had friends and family there that I doubt that I would ever see again. If it hadn't been for our father, we could have stayed but he was going to be released from jail soon and looking to come home to his family.

As for myself, I would happily live the rest of my life in hell, if it meant I would never have to see his face again. The day he was finally arrested, he was charged with 2 counts of domestic violence. Like so many times in the past, Dad came home drunk and took offense to my existence and proceeded to beat the hell out of me, mom tried to stop him and he started beating her also.

Thankfully Megan was staying at a friend’s place that night or dad would have most likely taken his anger out on her also. We were lucky that night that the neighbors decided enough was enough and called the police. He was arrested, and I spent the next week in the hospital with a broken nose, concussion, and two broken ribs. The police pressed the charges directly, so mom and I didn't have to go to court.

Dad received 1 year in jail and a $6000 fine, that's justice for you, it’s been 6 months now since he went to jail, and we found out a few days ago when he showed up at our home that he had been released on parole for good behavior.

Megan and I had been at school when he arrived. Mom refused to let him inside but knew it would only be a matter of time before he returned. That night we packed up all our clothes along with a few other things that we would need and left for Littleton the following morning.

 

 

This is where our story begins

 

 

Chapter 1

 

             Littleton, Colorado, what can I say about it? Lots of mountains, perfect for hiking if you’re into that sort of thing.  God, I am going to miss Boston, I thought to myself as mom continued driving through the city.

“So what do you think Meg?” I said looking over at her.

“I think we're in hell,” she said sarcastically.

“My thoughts exactly,” I said flicking my long hair away from my eyes.

“Come on kids, it can’t be that bad, give it a chance I am sure you will come to love it here.” Mom said trying to sound excited.

“All I know is if you expect me to wear a brimmed hat and ride around on a horse and carriage I am out of here, “I said trying to sound as assertive as a 100-pound boy could.

“So, what have you told them?” asked Megan referring to our Uncle and Aunt.

“Almost everything honey, they know about the abuse but I never really went into all the details. I figured they knew enough already.” Mom explained.

“What is to stop dad from following us here,” I said asking the question that both Megan and I had been thinking for most of the trip.

“There is a restraining order in place, so it’s not going to be easy for him to get any information about our whereabouts and I am sorry but you can’t tell anyone back home where we're living. If there is a leak he might find out where we are.” Mom explained.

“So what next are we going to change our names?” I said sarcastically.

“That’s not a bad idea, but it’s not something we could really afford.” Mom said flatly

“I was only kidding,” I exclaimed.

 “It's still a good idea”, mom said in a low voice.

We drove for another 20 minutes before turning into a long driveway that led to a house that looked to be quite expensive.

Once mom parked the car, the three of us climbed out, it felt good to finally get out and stretch my legs, as we exited the car Aunt Helen, Uncle Brian and our cousin Amy came outside to meet us.

Mom and Aunt Helen hadn’t seen each other in years and hugged for what seemed like an eternity.  After mom made the introductions, we made our way inside what would be our new home at least for the near future.

Once inside Aunt Helen told Megan to show us to our rooms and the three of us made our way upstairs, the first room we came too, Amy stopped and turned to Megan, this is my room I hope you don't mind taking the top bunk", Amy said placing Megan's knapsack on the floor next to the door.

“The top bunk is fine, and I love your room,” Megan said stepping into the bedroom and looking around.

“Thanks, Megan, I am always having friends sleep over so, I talked mom into buying the bunk beds. So I guess it makes things a lot easier now that we're going to be sharing a room together.” Amy said with a big smile.

“I hope having me here isn’t going to be too much of an inconvenience, I will try to give you as much space as possible,” Megan replied.

“Don’t worry about it Megan, I am happy to have you here and I bet giving enough time you and I will be as close as sisters,” Amy said grinning.

“That would be cool, so where is Ashley sleeping?” Megan asked Amy.

 “I Hope you don’t mind Ashley, but were short of space you’re going to be bunking in the Attic but on the plus side, Daddy just finished renovating it, and you have the room to yourself, come on I will show you,” Amy said grabbing my hand and leading the way.

At the end of the hallway, there was a narrow set of stairs that led up into the Attic. I was actually quite surprised at what I saw as the three of us entered

 The Attic didn’t really look too bad, and I could see the potential of turning it into something really special. It had hardwood floors that had recently been refinished as well as all the moldings, and thankfully there was a working air conditioner.

“This is nice Uncle Brian did a great job.”, I said with a smile.

“Yeah, he did,” Amy replied and then looked over to the corner and back to me. “Sorry about all the boxes Ashley, this is kind of our storage area, I will ask Daddy if we can’t move it into one of our carports,” Amy said looking across at me.

“It’s fine don’t worry about it Amy, there’s plenty of room and I don’t really have anything other than my clothes, laptop, and a few other things,” I explained.

“It sucks that you guys had to move the way you did. I don’t know what I would do if I had to pack up and move the way the both of you have.” Amy said taking a seat on the bed.

Megan and I both joined her, “Yeah, neither one of us were that happy. We had a life it might not have been perfect but it was ours.” Megan said sadly.

“Yeah, I feel the same way as Megan.”, I replied.

“Well things are pretty good here, it’s not Boston but Littleton has lots to offer,” Amy replied.

“Like what?” I asked somewhat interested.

“Well if you're into sports, Littleton High has a great sports program and there is always the church youth group, they always have different activities and then there's me, I will show you both around. I know a lot of people too so once you're settled, we’ll go out and I will make some introductions.” Amy said with a big smile.

“Sounds good” Megan exclaimed

“It would be nice to make a few good friends, but I am not interested in sports, or anything to do with the church,” I said firmly.

“Well, I will let you get settled, Ashley. When you're ready to come downstairs mom’s going to be ordering Pizza.  I am glad you’re both here, I have always wanted to meet the two of you but mom never explained anything to me until recently.” Amy said with a smile.

“It’s nice to finally meet you too Amy,” I said as the two of them made their way downstairs.

 

             After leaving Ashley's bedroom, Amy and Megan returned to their bedroom once inside Amy turned to Megan. "What’s with Ashley, he seemed a little-pissed off when I mentioned to him about the Sports Program and our Youth Group."

“Don’t take it personally Amy, it wasn’t directed towards you. Ashley has had it harder than mom and me. Our dad wanted the perfect son and pushed him really hard. Dad was an athlete and was good and won all kinds of awards. He wanted Ashley to follow in his footsteps and when Ashley didn’t measure up dad beat him.” Megan said sadly.

“Shit I had no idea.”, Amy exclaimed.

“You have to realize Ashley isn’t like most guys, and I am not just talking about his size, I don’t know if it’s because of the abuse, but he has a hard time when it comes to relationships, and I mean all types of relationships,” Megan explained.

“I understand why he would have issues, especially after everything you just said,” Amy exclaimed.

“Now as far as church goes I have no idea why he feels that way. It’s really the first that I have heard of it.” Megan said in a low voice.

“Maybe the move was for the best, it will give Ashley a chance to reinvent himself,” Amy exclaimed.

“You might be right Amy,” Megan said thinking aloud.

 

Chapter 2

 

            I spent the next few minutes unpacking what few things I owned and opened up the dresser that was near my bed and started filling the drawers, which didn’t take very long thankfully, we had received compensation from the domestic abuse case, so it wasn’t going to be much of a problem replacing most of the stuff that we had left behind.

After I finished filling the dresser I placed my laptop on my bed and moved over to the corner of the attic to see if there was anything that would be of use to me. It was mostly boxes labeled Amy’s Clothing.  Being nosy I decided to take a quick look inside and found some really nice clothes that were still in good shape.

There were bras, panties, jeans and even some dresses which I assumed no longer fit Amy. I thought to myself maybe I should have taken Amy up on her offer to remove the boxes after all. These were going to be too much of a distraction for me.

I looked into a few of the other boxes and found a few pairs of high heel shoes, sneakers and sandals, I removed my sneakers from my feet and tried on a pair of red high heels and discovered they were a perfect fit and thought to myself almost everything I would need is already in my room and then all the old feelings of shame and guilt came back, as I slipped the high heels off my feet and placed them back into the box where I found them. I guess you could say if I had one weakness this was it.

 After putting everything back the way that I found them, I decided to make my way back downstairs and join the others. I didn’t want to seem ungrateful after they opened their home to us. after slipping into my sneakers again I made my way downstairs. I stopped outside Amy’s bedroom the door was opened and I peered inside.

The room was empty so I continued on downstairs. Once in the living room, I could hear a conversation coming from the kitchen and found everyone sitting at the table getting to know one another.

“Hi Ashley, grab a seat and I will bring you over a couple of slices, is coke alright?” Aunt Helen said with a big smile.

"Thanks, Aunt Helen, Coke is fine.”, I said as I took a seat at the table.

"Your welcome honey”, she said with a smile and handed me a plate of pizza and a glass of coke.

“Mm… this is really good.”, I said after taking a bite of my pizza.

"It's the best pizza in town and the good thing about it. they also sell their own beer." Uncle Brian said joining in the conversation.

"Beer and pizza, I guess that's convenient," I said looking over at him.

“So how do you like your room Ashley?” Uncle Brian asked

“I honestly love it Uncle Brian you did an awesome job with the remodel and the room has lots of

potential

,” I said looking across the table at him.

“Well you’re going to be staying with us for a while, so feel free to make it your own.” Uncle Brian said with a big smile.

“Thanks, I might make a few changes to it, I am going to need to get a desk for my computer and maybe a few other things, but otherwise it’s perfect,” I explained.

           

The rest of the night went by with us getting to know one another, Megan and I had never really had contact with Mom’s side of the family thanks to Dad’s interference. So we never really had a chance to get to know one another. I liked Amy a lot she seemed to have a good heart and generally care. Aunt Helen and Uncle Brian both seemed really nice but I was a bit put off when it came to Uncle Brian.

I wasn't used to a man taking an interest in me except for my father and if he took interest in me it usually ended badly. I knew that I shouldn’t judge Uncle Brian he had done nothing to me but I generally had a fear of men thanks to my father and I had a feeling that there was a part of me that always would be afraid.

It was around 10 pm when I finally made my way back to my bedroom. I was pretty tired as I stripped down to my underwear and thought to myself it had been a long journey that started in Boston and ended in Littleton, and I wondered what the future would hold for Megan and me as I climbed into bed and I was fast asleep before I even knew it.

It was 10 am when I finally climbed out of bed.  I had slept like a baby but then again I was completely exhausted from the trip to Littleton.  I made my way over to my dresser and grabbed a change of clothes and then made my way downstairs and into the bathroom to have a quick shower.

After I finished my shower I got dressed and went downstairs, Mom and Megan were sitting in the kitchen having coffee and eating breakfast. I grabbed a bowl and poured some corn flakes into it. I then poured myself a hot cup of coffee.

“Good morning, where is everyone?”, I said looking up from my bowl.

“Your Aunt and Uncle are at work and Megan left a few minutes ago for school.” Mom explained.

“So, any plans for today?” I asked mom.

“Shopping”, mom said nonchalantly

“Thank god, I can only wear the same close for so long,” Megan exclaimed.

“For once I agree with you, Megan,” I said with a smile.

“Once you finish your breakfast we can head out; I am sure there is a mall nearby.” Mom replied.

“Sounds good, Mom,” I said taking a bite of my cereal.

 

After about a half hour of driving, mom found The Burlington Mall and she pulled in and we found a parking spot near the main entrance.  a few minutes later the three of us were making our way over to the directory to find out what stores we had to choose from. There was a Walmart so that was going to be our first stop of the day.

After a short walk we arrived at Walmart, Mom and Megan grabbed a cart than mom turned to me.  “It will be faster if we split up Ashley, you have a $300 limit so try to spread it out as much as possible when you’re done, meet us at the checkout over there.” Mom said pointing toward the checkout where she wanted us to meet.

“Alright mom, see you in a bit,” I said grabbing a shopping cart and the three of us headed off.

I honestly hated shopping, mostly because it was hard to find clothes for my age group that fit me. Most of the stuff they sold in the guy's department was too big for me especially jeans. Which I was forced to pick from a selection for a much younger age group. This was also the same when it came to shirts and underwear.

So over the next hour I moved from department to department and gathered everything that I would need, and then started walking over towards the women's department, to see how mom and Megan were doing as I entered, I saw a sales rack with various Jeans and thought that I would take a quick look and found a few pairs of Jeans that looked to be my size. They really didn’t look much different than the ones I had picked out earlier.

 I grabbed them and made my way over to an empty changing room, I had always been mistaking for a girl thanks to my size and my long hair so when I enter the changing area, nobody said a word. I tried on all three pairs of Jeans and I was right about the size they were actually a little tighter then what I was used too but then again most of the jeans I owned were pretty

loose

fitting, to begin with.

After exiting the dressing room, I placed the boy's jeans I had picked earlier on the return rack and placed the Jeans I had just tried on into the shopping cart and continued on.

Eventually, I saw Mom and Megan walking towards the checkout area and made my way over to join them.

“Looks like you did pretty good”, Megan said as I approached.

“Yeah, at least it’s a good start,” I said with a smile.

“Well, let’s get through the checkout and pay for all this stuff and we can get going.” Mom said looking at Megan and me.

 

We arrived home a half hour later and before long I was in my bedroom, putting away my new clothes neither Mom or Megan, seemed to notice the Jeans that I had secretly added to my shopping cart.

After removing the tags, I placed two of the jeans into my dresser and slipped into the other pair I had left out. I had to admit it felt nice to actually wear jeans that were designed for someone my age even if they were made for a girl.

I then took out my laptop and set it on top of my dresser and plugged it in and started it up. After it finished loading I connected to the internet thanks to the password Amy had provided last night. Once I was online and everything was running, I logged into my Spotify Playlist and the music started to play through its speakers.

While I was listening, I made my way over and started moving the boxes around and came across a box that was labeled books and decided to take a look and see if there was anything inside that interested me. After a few minutes, I found a book that looked interesting and placed it on the floor next to me while I put everything back and then returned to my bed

The book was a romantic comedy called, “Epic Fail”, by Claire LaZebnik. I liked the synopsis of the story and found myself curling up on my bed and started reading.

It was around 4 pm when I heard a knock coming from downstairs, come on up I said sitting up and placing the book I was reading on the bed next to me. I then heard the rumble of footsteps coming up the stairs and saw Megan and Amy as they entered my bedroom.

“Hey Ashley, I just wanted to see how you were settling in”, Amy said with a grin.

“Not bad, just relaxing,” I said as Amy came over and picked up the book I was reading.

“Good book, it’s one of my favorites.” She said and sat the book back down on my bed.

“Well it’s actually yours, I saw a box that was label books, and took a look,” I explained.

“That’s fine Ashley, help yourself to whatever is there, I am kind of surprised though that this book would interest you it’s kind of a romance novel,” Amy replied.

“It looked interesting that’s all,” I said looking over at Amy.

“Ashley isn’t like most guys Megan, he doesn't follow gender stereotypes, just look at the jeans he bought today their girls,” Megan exclaimed.

I looked at Megan, “how did you know?”

“Because I bought the same pair.” She said with a smug smile.

“Does Mom know?” I said looking worried.

“No Mom is completely clueless when it comes to teen fashion,

"I wouldn’t worry Ashley; I seriously doubt anyone else is going to notice but I would like to know why you bought them?” Megan said taking a seat on the bed next to me.

“I was tired of having to buy my jeans from the kid's section, I saw these jeans, they were for my age group and didn’t look much different then what I have already been wearing, and for the most part, I like the way they fit me,” I explained.

“It’s not that big a deal, girls wear boys clothes all the time, and it's not like he is wearing a dress or anything,” Amy said joining into the conversation.

“Anyway, I was going to take Megan out and show her around, do you want to join us,” Amy asked.

“Sounds like fun, I will meet you downstairs.”, I said with a smile.

A few minutes later I joined Megan and Amy downstairs and the three of us headed out. We walked for almost 20 minutes until we came to a park.

It was a nice park, there were lots of picnic tables and had a good size play area for kids.  We walked for a bit longer and eventually, we came to the entrance to a bike trail.

“This trail will take us to Main Street, that is where most of the shops are located.  There is even a Starbucks there, It’s pretty much the local hangout. “Amy explained.

“Well at least there's a Starbucks here,” I said in a low voice.

“We have almost everything here you would find in a big city Ashley, you just have to do a lot more traveling to find it,” Amy explained.

Like Amy said the path eventually led downtown and once we hit Main Street Amy started pointing out many of the different stores and other places of interest including the library and another two blocks from there we came to The Burlington Mall and made our way inside.

“There’s a Starbucks in the food court, let us grab something to drink and head outside and have it on the deck,” Amy said looking over at Megan and me.

“Sounds good I think that I will have a caramel mocha frappuccino, what are you getting Ashley?” Megan said looking over at me.

“I think that I will have the same as you, Megan”

“Why don’t you grab us a table Ashley, I will get it this time and you can pay the next time,” Megan said and joined the others in line.

I agreed and made my way outside, and grabbed a table towards the back of the deck, there were already a few people outside on the deck, most were about our age. I grabbed the newspaper that was sitting at the empty table next to me and took a seat and started skimming through it as I waited for Amy and Megan to join me.

While I sat there reading the newspaper, I noticed a few people sitting at a nearby table.  There was this one guy there that I caught sneaking peeks at me.

There was no doubt in my mind that he thought I was a girl. This was something that tended to happen a lot most of the time I just let it pass it wasn’t worth the trouble setting people straight if I was never going to see them again anyway.

 

            A few minutes later Megan and Amy joined me on the deck, as they came out onto the deck Amy, saw the people at the table where the guy had been checking me out and went over and started talking to them. It looked like she was making the introductions. Because they were all shaking Megan’s hand and they Amy turned toward me and waved for me to join them.

I honestly didn’t really want to join them but decided if I didn’t they would see me as some kind of snob, so I slowly made my way over and joined Amy, and my sister Megan.

“Everyone this is Ashley”, Amy said with a smile.

“Hi”, I said waving my hand at them.

“Hi Ashley, welcome to Littleton, I am Adam Thomas, and this is my good friend James Marshall and his girlfriend Kira Jordan,” Adam said making the introductions

“It’s nice to meet all of you”, I said looking Adam in the eyes.

“Why don't you guys join us there's lots of room,” Kira said with a smile.

Adam, didn’t even wait for a response and stood up and grabbed a couple chairs from a nearby table and place than around the table they were sitting at.

Megan and Amy took a seat at the table, leaving the only seat available to me was the empty seat next to Adam which I reluctantly took.

Over the next hour, the six of us spent the time getting to know one another, and I found myself answering question after question about my life in Boston.  Most of the questions he asked were easy to answer, I had learned a few things about Adam and the others also

Adam and James were both members of Littleton High’s Football team, whereas Kira, and Amy were both on the cheer squad. Which was something Megan was interested in maybe joining herself? Eventually, the conversation, lead towards music and our likes and dislikes.

It was getting close to supper time, so the 6 of us said our goodbyes and agreed to meet up at another time and hang out. Before leaving I felt Adam’s hand reach under the table and felt him slip something into my hand.

I walked a little behind Megan and Amy as we left and took a look at what Adam had slipped into my hand it was a note with his phone number saying give me a call.

 

 

Chapter 3

 

            We arrive home a half hour later, there was a sweet smell coming from the kitchen and we followed the smell into the kitchen where we found our mom’s setting the table.

Uncle Brian was nowhere to be seen but I could hear a guitar playing downstairs in the basement. I liked what I was hearing and decided to follow it to its source and found my uncle with his back to me playing Stairway to Heaven on his guitar.

I saw another guitar sitting in the corner, and picked it up and plugged it into the amp and started playing along with him.

The combination of my playing startled him, as he turned around, and saw me playing his guitar,

“Sorry Uncle Brian, I couldn’t resist”, I said with a smile and started playing some power cords.

“That’s alright Ashely, your pretty good”, he said grinning then continued playing and started singing the words to the song. I continued playing along with him, he looked over at me and nodded indicating to me to continue singing the words and I started singing the song too.

“Good voice, a little on the high side but good all the same.” Uncle Brian said as we ended the song.

“Thanks, I think,” I said frowning.

“No Ashley, it was a compliment you can do songs that most of us guys wouldn’t be able to pull off.”, Uncle Brian said grinning.

“Think about it Ashley, there are lots of singers out there that have high voices like yours, Freddy Mercury, Adam Levine these are just a couple of examples. All I am saying is a guy having a high voice has no effect on how talented they are as a singer.” Uncle Brian said with a smile.

“Thanks’, I have never really been comfortable singing in public, I have always been a bit uncomfortable when it comes to how other people see me,” I explained.

“Well, I am going to tell you the same thing my father told me, you can spend the rest of your life doing what people around you expect you to do, or you can be brave enough to follow your own path. "

"I came from a family of Doctors Ashley and my parents expected me to follow their path, they believed that being a doctor was in my blood but I wanted to be a musician which wasn’t a choice that they wanted for me, but I had to follow my heart, Ashley.” Uncle Brian explained.

“Did you get a lot of grief from your parents?” I said looking him in the eyes.

“Yes Ashley, but in the end, they accepted my choice, sure I haven’t been able to make a career in Music, and went back to school and took architecture but that was my choice, and I am in a band and music is still a big part of my life.” Uncle Brian explained.

“I love music too Uncle Brian, but I have never performed in front of a crowd,” I exclaimed.

“It’s easy Ashley, once you get out there the fear disappears fast once you see how much people are enjoying your music. If you want to find out first hand you can always join my band on stage for a song sometime.” Uncle Brian said with a grin.

“I don’t think, I am brave enough to do that,” I replied.

“Maybe not yet Ashley, but believe me anything is possible if you are willing to put your heart into it and never give up.” He said with a smile.

“Now Ashley, show me what else you can play, just play whatever comes to mind.”, Uncle Brian said with a smile.

I thought for a moment and started playing, and singing “Falling”, by Jennifer Needles.

 

            My Uncle looked a bit surprised and he joined me as I continued playing the song on his guitar, as I played the song I felt really relaxed as I watched the look on my uncles face as we played together. When we finally came to the end of the song he smiled at me.

“I wasn’t expecting you to play a country song.” He said sitting down his guitar.

“Well, I have always loved country music, but then again I like a lot of other music too,” I explained.

“That was a good song choice by the way.” Uncle Brian said as I put his guitar back on its stand.

“Thanks, but I will admit I don’t sound all that manly singing it,” I replied,

“I will agree with you there Ashley, but that doesn’t really matter you sounded good singing it.” Uncle Brian said then looked at the time,

“We should join the others before they come looking for us.” He said with a smile and placed his arm around my shoulder as the two of us made our way upstairs.

After Uncle Brian and I joined the others in the kitchen, my Aunt Helen asked what had been keeping us. My uncle looked over at Aunt Helen.

“It turns out that Ashley is an excellent musician, and also has an amazing voice.” Uncle Brian said which made me feel slightly embarrassed.

“Really, that’s surprising Ashley hates singing.” Mom said looking across the table at me.

“It’s not that I hate singing mom, I just hate the way that I sound when I sing, I sound like a girl, It’s bad enough people are always mistaking me for one but why do I have to sound like one,” I said in a low voice.

 

            After supper, I returned to my bedroom and climbed into bed.  I had always been sensitive about my looks. Growing up I had always been smaller than most of the boys I attended school with and by the time I became a teenager, most of the guys that I went to school with started looking like men whereas I remained the same or if anything I started looking more feminine and as a result I felt more isolated and lonely than ever before.

What seemed to bother me the most, was watching everyone around me, hooking up and falling in love, while there seemed to be nobody that would be interested in me.  Well other than guys like Adam who had mistaken me for a girl, but if they knew the truth they would run the opposite direction.

 

There were times that I thought, deep down I was really a girl inside, that was just looking for a chance to escape and wondered if I would be happier to just give up fighting and just accept that this was who I truly was inside as I slowly drifted off to sleep.

 

Later that night

 

             I don’t know what’s going on with Ashley, Janet said to her sister and husband while they had a conversation at the table. He’s always been so sensitive about his looks.

“I think you are seeing him through the eyes of a mother,” Brian said taking a drink of his coffee.

“What do you mean Brian,” Janet said looking Brian in the eyes.

“I mean there may be something else going on with Ashley. Maybe it would be a good idea for him to see a therapist, Ashley clearly has issues that need to be addressed.”

“Brian might be right Janet, it does seem like Ashley is struggling with something and if he can’t talk to you about it may be talking to a therapist would help.” Helen chimed in.

“Maybe you’re both right, Ashley has been through so much and seeing someone couldn’t really hurt,” Janet said in a low voice.

“I think that maybe I need to have a talk with Ashley first though, maybe I can get him to open up,” Janet said calmly.

“That might be a good idea, Janet,” Helen said sympathetically.

“But to be honest, I really don’t know where to start, especially finding a good therapist?” Janet exclaimed.

“I can help you there,” Brian said looking across the table at Janet.

“Really?” Janet replied.

“I come from a family of Doctors remember, my sister Barb is a Psychiatrist.  I am sure she would see Ashley. I could call her if you want Janet.” Brian said in a low voice.

“Anything you can do to help Brian would be appreciated,” Janet said truly grateful.

“I will call her, but I will let you talk to Ashley first, maybe he is ready to open up about what it is that’s bothering him,” Brian replied.

 

            Janet made her way upstairs and into her son’s room and found him fast asleep, she could tell he must have been upset by the fact that he had already passed out considering that it was still quite early in the evening. She had known for a while now that Ashley was dealing with a lot of depression but up till now blamed it on the abuse that had been inflicted by the child's father.

 She debated on whether or not to wake Ashley up, there was a part of her that wanted answers but there was another part of her, that didn’t want to disturb him. She thought for a minute then walked over to his bed.

“Ashley honey, wake up we need to talk,” Janet said reaching out and taking hold of him by the shoulders and shaking him gently.

Ashley slowly started to come around, “What mom?” he said in a low voice.

“We need to talk honey” Janet repeated to her son.

“What about mom, dad hasn’t found us has he?” Ashley said slowly sitting up.

“No honey, we need to talk about you. I know you’re keeping something from me, and I know it’s making you miserable.” Janet said sadly.

“Nothing’s wrong mom,” I said looking over at her.

“Stop lying to me Ashley, I know something is wrong and if there is something I can do to help make things better I will.” Mom said sounding upset.

“Mom, I don’t know what to tell you. It’s true I am not happy and maybe I am a little depressed with my life but that’s nothing to worry about. I am not planning on doing anything stupid.” I explained.

“Alright Ashley, can you at least tell me why you’re so unhappy?” mom pushed for an answer.

“I could site a thousand reasons mom, but I guess to put it simply I hate my life and everything about it. When I look in the mirror, it makes me sick because all I see looking back at me is a girl and I am not the only one that sees her mom.”, I paused and then continued.

“Megan, Amy and I went to the mall today and there was this guy, I knew he liked me, just by the way he was looking at me, he even gave me his number but it wasn’t me he was interested in mom, it was the girl that he thought I was. I know it’s wrong mom, but I like it that he fancied me I have never had anyone interested in me as a boy.”

“I am sure that is not true honey.”, mom said sympathetically.

“It’s true mom, girls are only interested being with men. When they see me they don’t see me as a guy, or at least not manly enough to be considered one and the guys see me as a sissy and tend to avoid me once they realize I am not a girl.  I just think sometimes that I should have been born a girl at least my life would start to make sense.” I exclaimed.

“Why would you think being a girl would make everything alright Ashley?”  Mom said frowning.

“I don’t know mom, but think about it have I ever really fit in as a guy. I have never been interested in sports, fighting or really anything male-oriented why do you think most of my friends have been girls, it’s because I have always felt more comfortable around them and to be honest I am not attracted to girls at all but guys, on the other hand, I started noticing them when I turned eleven. That was about the same time as Megan.” I explained.

“Baby, I think that we need to get you in to see a therapist, this is not something that is just going to go away if anything it’s going to get a lot worse,” Mom exclaimed.

“I’m not sick mom” I replied.

“Baby, I don’t think you are sick but I do think you are confused and need to figure out who you want to be and I need to know if I have a son or daughter.” Mom said with a smile.

“Mom. are you saying that if I decided that I wanted to become a girl you would support me?” I asked somewhat surprised.

“No honey, what I am saying is you are either my son or daughter, it’s up to you to figure out, but if you’re going to do this you are going to need the help of a therapist, and if the therapist thinks becoming a girl is best for you honey, you will have my blessing.” Mom said calmly.

“I will see a therapist mom,” I said reaching out and giving her a hug.

“Mom, I wanted to tell you but I was afraid how you would react,” I said sadly.

“I know honey, but it's out in the open and we will deal with it.”, mom said returning my hug.

Mom and I talked for a while longer, and I asked her to keep our conversation between the two of us but reluctantly agree that Uncle Brian needed to know the details. So he could explain what was going on to his sister Barb who was most likely going to be my therapist.

Although I didn’t want my secret getting out just yet I had no choice but to trust him. I still wasn’t sure how to broach the subject to Megan and Amy. When it came to Megan, I wasn’t very worried, she was my sister and she might be shocked but she would come around but Amy didn’t really know me and I had no idea how she would react.

When it came to my Uncle and Aunt only time would tell if they were cool with it or not. The only certainty was that Mom and Megan would stand by me no matter what choice I made.

 

Chapter 4

 

I tried going back to bed but I was honestly too worked up after talking to my mother, I couldn’t sleep even if I wanted to so I picked up the book I had been reading earlier in the day and continued on from where I had left off.

It was a good book, even though it was a romantic comedy and I found myself falling for the male lead in the story and wondered if Adam was anything like him and then remember that Adam had given me his number. I was tempted to call him but realized that wasn’t really a good idea. He seemed like a nice guy and didn’t need me messing with his head.

As I was thinking I heard a knock on my door and then heard Megan’s voice, “Ashley are you up?”

“Yes, Megan you can come up,” I replied.

“Hey Ashley, I just wanted to check on you, I was worried after what happened at supper, and you have been up here most of the night,” Megan said sounding worried.

I patted my hand on the bed telling her to have a seat, once she was seated I looked over at her, “I have been dealing with a lot of stuff lately, besides the move and to be honest it’s something that is not easy for me to talk about but I told mom tonight and I feel a little better now that she knows.” I said then looked over at her.

“Listen, Megan, what I am about to tell you has to be kept a secret, at least for now. Mom knows and so does Uncle Brian, the only reason he knows, his sister is a therapist and he's going to try to get me in to see her.” I explained.”

“Why would you need to see a therapist, you’re not crazy or anything?” Megan said sounding worried.

“Sometimes I think that I might be going crazy, but that’s not the reason Megan. The truth of the matter is there’s a part of me that thinks I should have been born a girl. I have always felt this way but I am only really coming to terms with it now.” I explained to her.

“Shit, that’s a lot to take in,” Megan exclaimed.

“I know Megan, Mom is still trying to wrap her head around it also,” I replied.

“So do you know what you are going to do Ashley?”

“Honestly Megan, I have no idea the only thing I know is that the more I think about becoming a girl, the more sense it makes, but I need to see a specialist first,” I explained.

“Well, I can’t really say I understand but whatever you choose I will support you, Ashley, I have one question I have noticed from time to time things missing or being misplaced did you have something to do with that?” Megan said with a smile.

“Yes, I have borrowed a few things now and then Megan, I am sorry but sometimes when I feel depressed it makes me feel better, I really don’t know why but it does,” I said sadly.

“It’s alright Ashley, I could tell you weren’t doing anything perverted with them, there were no stains or anything on them, but I am kind of anal when it comes to my things and it was pretty easy to tell that someone had been going through my dresser and closet, but to be honest I wasn’t really sure how to bring the topic up,” Megan said with a grin.

“So how did Mom react when you told her?” Megan asked.

“Better than I thought she would, she was surprised, but also very understanding, something I wasn’t really expecting,” I said with a grin.

“That’s good to hear Ashley, and whatever you chose I will do my best to help.”

“Thanks, Megan, I really appreciate it.”

“So tell me Ashley, has it only been the clothes or have you tried my makeup too?”

“I have only tried on your clothes, not that the thought hasn’t crossed my mind, but there were two reasons I didn’t. The first reason being I didn’t think I had the time to remove it. If either you or mom came home early.  The second reason was, it's not a good idea to share makeup.” I explained.

“Well if you wanted to try it sometime Ashley, the two of us could always go to the mall and buy your own makeup and I can teach you how to do your own makeup,” Megan said grinning.

“I would like that Megan, but are you sure you really want to do your brother's makeup?”

“No, I don’t want to do my Brothers makeup, but I have no problem helping my little sister learn to do hers,” Megan said with a smile.

“I love you, sis,” I said reaching over and giving her a hug.

“I love you too Ashley.” She said returning the embrace.

 

Megan and I stayed up pretty late and the two of us talked to one another like we had never talked before. Until this moment we had been brother and sister, but things were different now. The two of us had somehow become closer.  Maybe it was coming out to her and telling her the truth or maybe it was that the fact the two of us were now sisters.

 It was 7 am when I finally came around, it had been a late night for me, after telling mom and Megan the truth. It was somewhere around 3 am when I finally fell asleep.  I slowly pulled myself out of bed and grabbed a change of clothes and made my way downstairs and into the bathroom. After relieving myself I ran a hot shower and climbed inside.

It felt good as the hot water cascaded down onto my body, I honestly preferred baths but since there was so many of us sharing the bathroom showers were more practical. As the water rained down on me my thoughts went back to the conversation I had last night with my mom and the possibility that I could transition and become a woman.

Until now it was just a thought, sure I had thought about it and what it would be like to live as a girl. There was always a part of me that believed deep down if I could, maybe I would finally be happy, but honestly would changing my gender fix a lifetime of hurt, I seriously doubted it.

“are you almost done in there?” I heard Amy’s voice calling from outside the bathroom door.

“Yeah, just give me a sec, and I will be right out,” I yelled loud enough that she could hear me.

I didn’t bother changing, I just wrapped myself in a towel, making sure it was snug, grabbed my clothes and exited the bathroom and found Amy and Megan both waiting in line.

“It’s all yours”, I said slipping past Amy and made my way back to my bedroom.

Once inside, I dropped the towel to the floor and started getting dressed. I was surprised to find a small box sitting on top of my dresser with a note on top, “for my sweet little sister”, I smiled knowing Megan must have brought it up here while I was in the shower. When I opened the box inside was a pair of pink panties with white stripes and a matching pink bra.

They were not very fancy but I didn’t care as I slipped into them making sure to tuck the nasty worm between my legs before slipping into my new jeans I had bought the other day. They were also girl’s jeans and I know that it was just in my mind but I could swear they fit me better now that I was wearing panties with them.

As I looked down the only thing that was missing was breasts, if I had breasts there would be no doubt if someone saw me that I was a girl. I wanted to put on the bra too but it would be easily recognized by Amy and Aunt Helen unless I decided to wear layers to hide it. There would be another chance for me to wear it. I thought to myself as I took the bra and placed it

in

my dresser making sure to cover it up.

I was lucky that the dresser had a large mirror attached, so I spent the next 10 minutes combing out and styling my hair. When I finished doing my hair, I thought to myself, it looked a little too feminine but there wasn’t really much I could do with it other than cut it and that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.

I thought to myself as I pulled my tank top over my head and down my torso and then slipped on my socks and sneakers. It was time to face another day I thought to myself as I exited my bedroom and made my way downstairs and into the kitchen.

When I arrived in the kitchen I found mom and Aunt Helen sitting at the table. They were having a cup of coffee. As I entered the two of them became quiet and it didn’t take a genius to figure out that they were talking about me. I looked over at mom who had a guilty look on her face and knew she had already told Aunt Helen everything.

“I guess, keeping it between the two of us was too much to ask. I said then turned around and exited the kitchen, I couldn’t look at her right now, I was so angry she promised and as soon as my back was turned started telling everyone.

“

Wait

honey", mom said looking upset. I turned to face her, “I don’t want to talk to you right now mom, you come to me, saying you need me to tell you what is going on, knowing full well how hard it was for me to open up to you. Then you go out and tell everyone, I can’t deal with this right now. I said walking out of the door and exiting the house.

I couldn’t believe mom had promised to keep it between us, and as soon as my back was turned she had already told my Aunt, I thought to myself as I fought back the tears.  I just kept walking and eventually came to the trail that I had taken yesterday with Megan and Amy, I followed the trail until I reached the mall. There really wasn’t anywhere else I could go being new to Littleton and only knew a few places.

As I looked around I saw the Starbucks and decided that was as good a place to go as anywhere and made my way over and ordered a Caramel Mocha Frappuccino and then found a seat outside, As I took my phone out of my pocket I could see 5 messages from Megan and even a couple from Amy. I sent a quick reply to both

saying

I just wanted to be alone and then put the phone on do not disturb, Megan always took moms side anyway I thought to myself.

 

Meanwhile back home.         

 

You did what mom, Ashley asked you to keep it between the two of you. He finally opened up and trusted you and the first thing you did was tell Aunt Helen.  Sorry, Aunt Helen, it’s nothing against you but Ashley has a real hard time trusting people and that includes family. The fact that he finally opened up to us meant he was finally starting to come out of his shell, this has likely pushed him back into his shell.

“I understand, but what is done is done, we need to find Ashley, do either of you have any idea where he might have gone?” Aunt Helen said aloud.

“The mall is the only place I can think of, I took Megan and him there yesterday. I pointed out some places along the way but if he’s anywhere I would put my money on the mall.” Amy replied.

“I am going to the mall and see if he’s there,” Megan said somewhat worried.

“I will go with you Megan and maybe you can tell me what’s going on,” Amy said frowning.

“Sorry Amy, unlike my mother I keep my promises,” Megan exclaimed.

“I am sorry, you're right I should have kept my mouth shut,” Janet said sadly.

“Yes, mom. you should have, Ashley was going to explain things himself when he was ready, instead, everything came out before he was ready, but anyway I am out of here.” Megan exclaimed and then Amy and her left for the mall.

 

Chapter 5

 

                        I took a seat on the deck and thankfully there weren't too many people there, I just wanted to be left alone until I could figure out what to do next. My solitude didn’t last long when I heard someone calling my name when I turned my head to see who it was. There was Adam with a big smile.

“I thought that was you, Ashley, so why is a pretty girl like you sitting here all alone?” he asked leaning against the railing.

Not really wanting to get into it, I just looked up at him, “I had a fight with my mom and I needed to get away and I don’t really know anywhere else I could have gone.”

“I have been there”, he said with a smile.

I thought to myself, yeah right Adam but I could see he was just trying to cheer me up.

“Ashley, sitting here by yourself isn’t going to make much of a difference, but I do have a solution if you’re interested?” Adam said with a big smile.

“So what is your solution?” I said almost afraid to hear the answer.

“It’s a secret, you will have to come with me to find out.” He said with a grin.

“this better not involve doing the mattress mambo”, I said shaking my head.

“No Ashley, it’s totally innocent, but I have to admit your idea sounds like a lot more fun,” Adam said in between laughs.

“Let me grab a coffee and we can get out of here,” Adam said then made his way inside.

I knew that I shouldn’t be encouraging this but at the moment I just didn’t seem to care. I was pissed off and I needed some sort of distraction and it wasn’t like Adam was taking me on a date or anything, it was just two friends hanging out, besides what harm could it cause.

 After Adam returned the two of us headed out together, after walking for about 10 minutes, I turned to him, “So where is this magical place of yours that is supposed to take away all of my troubles.” I said with a smile.

“You’re looking at it Ashley”, Adam said with a big smile.

“You have to be freaking kidding me, mini golf is the answer to all of my problems,” I said sarcastically.

“No Ashley, but it’s guaranteed to take your mind off of them for a bit,” Adam said laughing

I couldn’t help but laugh,” alright Adam but you’re paying.” I said with a smile.

 

Amy and Megan arrived at the mall, their first stop was the Starbucks in the food court, but there was no sign of Ashley anywhere. Amy was able to find out from the barista that she had served a girl earlier that matched their description, but she hadn’t seen a boy.

Megan turned to Amy, “That was Ashley she was describing, he’s always getting mistaken for a girl.” Megan explained.

“I can see why he needs a haircut bad.”, Amy said with a smile.

“Don’t be telling him that, he loves his long hair, mom has been after him for years to cut it,” Megan explained.

“So where now?” asked Megan.

“He couldn’t have gone far, he doesn’t know the area and would get lost pretty quickly without a guide,” Amy said thinking aloud.

“Let's check out the HMV, maybe he went there to check out some cd’s,” Amy suggested.

A few minutes later Megan and Amy arrived at HMV, there were a lot of people in the store itself but Ashley was nowhere to be seen.  “Damn where is he?” Megan said frowning.

“We could try the library? Is that somewhere he might go?” asked Amy.

“Maybe, he does read a lot,” Megan exclaimed as the two of them headed towards the exit.

It had been years since I played mini golf, and I honestly sucked.  Adam was gracious enough though not to rub my face in it.

“So how about you tell me what got you so upset Ashley,” Adam said as he hit the ball.

‘Have you ever told someone a secret about yourself, that you didn’t want anyone else to know?” I said hitting the ball and missing the target.

“Sure, I guess it’s happened once or twice,” Adam said looking over at me.

“I told my mom something very personal and I caught her telling my Aunt this morning. I was going to explain things myself once I had a chance to work things out on my own.” I explained.

“You have a right to be mad especially if she promised you she was going to keep it between the two of you. So if this secret gets out how much trouble is it going to cause you?” Adam said looking over at me.

“I honestly don’t know Adam, I just wanted to deal with things on my terms, now everything is out in the open and I wish that I had never opened my mouth in the first place,” I said sadly.

“Is it really that bad, them knowing Ashley?” Adam asked looking concerned.

“Let me run something by you, Adam, say you had a medical condition that kept you from being able to perform sexually and for the hell of it you told a friend and they told everyone at school all about your problem. How would you feel?” I explained to him.

“It would be really embarrassing, and I would want to beat the living hell out of him for telling everyone,” Adam said finally understanding where I was coming from.

“Well, I have a situation something like that and will most likely need surgery to correct the problem. I didn’t mind my family knowing, but there was no need for anyone else to know about it.” I said sadly.

“I see your point, are you going to be alright”, Adam said looking concerned.

“Yeah, I will be fine Adam, I still have quite some ways to go before anything is said and done.”

“Well, if you need anything or you just need someone to talk to you have my number Ashley, don’t be afraid to use it,” Adam said with a smile.

“Thanks, Adam, you never know I may take you up on that offer.”, I said with a smile then took a swing with my club and watched as the ball rolled straight into the hole.”

“I guess 5 times is the charm,” Adam said laughing.

“Very funny Adam, I know one thing that I couldn't possibly miss with this and took a step towards him and watched him start to back away with his hands up saying stop.”  Which in the end caused both of us to break down into a bout of laughter.

 

After spending some time with Adam, I had to admit that being with him did make me feel better and playing mini golf wasn’t that bad either. I decided it was time to let the outside world back in and switched off the do not disturb on my phone to allow messages.

Once the phone was open for the messages I saw a few more from Megan and Amy.

“Where are you sis I am at the mall are you here?”

“Please answer Ashley, I am worried? “

“I am alright Megan; Adam is with me.” I texted back.

Megan turned to Amy, “He’s alright, Adam is with him right now.”

“Where are you?” Megan texted.

“Playing mini golf” I explained.

 “He’s playing mini golf, do you know where that is Amy,” Megan said looking at her cousin.

“Yeah it's not far, tell him to stay put and we will be there in 10 minutes,” Amy replied.

“Stay put, were on our way to you Ashley.”

“I guess Megan and Amy are on their way here, they have been looking for me. We should head over to the entrance.” I explained to Adam.

 

        Adam and I made our way over to the entrance and waited for Megan and Amy to arrive, as we waited he turned to me, “You know Ashley, I know what happened really hurt, but try not to let it get to you. Anyone that really cares about you, is going to understand and those who don’t well their not worth having in your life.”

“you're really a good guy Adam, thanks for everything,” I said with a smile.

“It was my pleasure, Ashley, but before they come and take you away from me, do you think I could have your number?” he said with a smile.

“I don’t have a number for Littleton yet, but you can text me for now”, I said then took out my phone and sent him a text.

“There you have my number,” I said with a grin.

“Great, maybe I can talk you into a movie next,” Adam said with a big smile.

“Maybe, we will see,” I said a bit unsure.

I really did like Adam and I didn’t want to string him along and then there was the fact that he thought that I was a girl. I know that I should have been honest with him from the start but I honestly loved the attention and I loved how it felt to be wanted by someone.

Maybe it was selfish on my part, but I was tired of being alone, and I wanted more than anything for someone to love me for who I was inside and someone I could love back.

Adam and I talked for a bit longer before we saw Megan and Amy walking towards us. The two of us walked over to meet them.

“Well I will leave you now Ashley”, Adam said as we reached my sister and cousin, “I will message you tonight, “he said then reached over and gave me a hug.

“Talk to you tonight Adam, and thanks again,” I said as I watched him walk away.

Megan and Amy were both surprised as they witnessed the exchange between the two of us. “What haven’t you seen two people hug before I said and started walking away.”

 

End of part one to be continued in part 2