A few false steps
In finding Ellie's grave
Appreciating the personal space
Of a few moments alone
Before joining me.

Placing your hands
On my shoulders
In support and love.

Silently
We stand.

My mind
Reruns that fateful night
Tears running down
My cheeks.

Taking the patchwork doll
Holding it
Against my lips.

Tenderly
Kissing it goodbye
Placing the doll
On the grave.

Overwhelmed
By guilt and sadness
I bolt towards the car
Just missing
Several gravestones.

Your warning
Fell upon deaf ears
As I trip
On the uneven ground.

Stumbling back to the car
Covered in mud
No memory of falling
Or how the mud
Got into my ears
Remains a mystery.

Can imagine
The look of disgust
Upon your face
Seeing your clean interior
Covered in mud.

Think
I smiled that thought
As your eyes shoot daggers.

Sighing
Softly to myself.

Wondering
If it was too late
To go back to bed
Without set off
Any more landmines.

Or least
Minimize the damage.

Daring
A sly glance
You reward me
With your brilliant smile
Filling the car
With love.

Will
I ever be
Able to read you?

As
I shake my head
In mock despair.

Giggling
You push me
Against the door.

Wiping
Your finger
Down my muddy nose
Dabbing the tip.

Before
Withdrawing
Leaving a streak
Down the middle
Of my face.

Feeling
Like a bird
Trapped as
A cat's plaything.

Unsure
If the next swipe
Will be the last.

Never
Seen you
This playful
Scared to ask.

Could not handle
Losing you
Janice.

Like removing
A blind person's sight
Only after
Having discovered it.

"Everything is fine
Jacqui."

Attempting
To reassure me
But felt like
I was standing
In quicksand.

Sinking fast
Without hope.

Planning
My exit strategy
Should you leave me
Whatever method
It would be
Quick and painless.

"Jacqui
Stop this
I am not dying
Or planning to leave
You hear me.

"Oh Jacqui
You are my love
My inspiration
My soulmate."

Tenderly
Caressing my face
Kissing my forehead
Our tears mixing
Wanted to believe
But can not.

My hands in yours
Resting on the car console
Relaxing
Under your loving touch.

Uncertain
How to take
The next step
Wait or ask the question
What is bothering you.

Silently
I waited.

"Uhm Jacqui
Not sure
How to tell you
But we are going
To be parents.

"Am hoping
For a daughter
Who'll be named
In honour of Ellie."

Felt like someone
Had kicked
The reality out of me
Cast adrift
In Never Neverland.

Slowly
Your words cut
Through the fog.

Me
A parent
Wanted to laugh
At this absurd thought.

Except
It was true.

Saw your lips moved
Yet heard no sound
Repeatedly
Asking a question
Before I understood.

An easy question
Almost embarrassing
Simple answer
Blushing
At the thought.

Had trouble pronouncing
My "h" and "n"
When young.

Thus
Helen became Ellie.

World knew her
As Helen
To me
She is forever
Ellie.

Your laughter broke up
The emotional scar tissue
From her death
Easing the guilt
I carry.

Deft hands
Measuring out the thread
In preparation
Of mending a tear.

Skill honed
By long practice
Lovingly stitch
The ripped edges
Repairing my torn heart.

© 2008 Therisa Godwaldt