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Over two years and all I feel I can do is apologize. I didn't mean to just disappear again, I'm not going to excuse the 6 months prior to 2016 but last year was the best and worst year of my life.
At the beginning of 2016, I made the biggest step in self-discovery by admitting I was trans and that I needed to transition. I went and got help, went and got the psyche evaluation, went and got hormones and T-blockers and everything. I got a job, lost a job, got diagnosed with severe depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and ADHD. I got hospitalized for a week because of a thing with my antidepressants, had to move back with my parents and I've spent the last six months recovering from everything. I'm still not well but I'm doing better and I'm feeling like I want or need to reconnect with everything.
I barely touched pen to paper after my gall bladder operation in 2013. That was a symptom of depression that I'd been living with for a long time. Most of you probably noticed that I would go off the rails in comments, particularly over criticism. Lot of factors involved there but I can see the depression and self-loathing at work now.
One year on hormones later and I'm different. I can tell, it's not just physical differences, it's mental too. I hit my emotional on switch and I'm glad I can feel things now, I'm glad to know when I'm happy but it also comes with feeling sadness too. Everything makes more sense to me as well, I don't have the conflict that I used to if that makes sense.
I don't know what the future will hold. I want to stay here, write a bit, maybe turn writing into a career. I've been able to write again this year, consistently, enough that I want to try NANOWARIMO this year. I don't think I can go back to Whateley, I can't get back to those forums. I only just worked out my password issues here at BigCloset. I've been throwing around the idea of a Patreon.
Hope to hear from you all soon, I'm going to stay logged in here as much as possible and add this to my daily grind.
Comments
If you are worried about bad blood...
I know there was a big divide that happened over at Whateley, if it is bad blood with the people that is understandable if it is just the fact that the old forum was shut down that is should be easier to fix getting access back. It sounds like you went through a lot of hell in a very short period of time.
Good to see you are back, and I hope things keep getting better for you. If at Whateley it is bad blood, time and showing things have changed might heel those wounds.
"Cortana is watching you!"
Unless you are Taylor Swift of course
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Ummmm
Getting well into my transition cured my depression. Ilost my job too.which brought some of it back. Keep an eye onyour health.There was som suggestion that stress exasperated my currest stoke, Until that happened I was happy
Welcome back..
Hi, I'm glad that you're well on your way to being your true self hon. I know I suffered severe bouts of depression before I transitioned. I self medicated my HRT starting in 1994 then finally began seeing an Endo when I started my therapy. My mom used to say that I had a death wish before I came out to her about being trans. I still hid everything for 3 years even while on hormones. I was in a VERY male oriented job (coal miner) and operating heavy equipment. I just didn't think my company would deal with my transition well. When the company shut the whole division down in 1998 I finally went for it on my transition and went to Thailand in 1999 to have my surgery. It's been touch and go since 1998 since I lived on a small Union pension. At least I've been able to by myself and the vast majority of my depression has left me. Hopefully yours will continue to get better the further along in your transition you go! I wish you the very best dear! Good to see you back whether you feel you can get back to writing or not!!
Welcome back!!
Welcome back!!
Thank goodness you're well.
Just re-read your Merlin High story. What a hoot! Unfortunately, there are only two stories.
I hope to see new stories soon. Well soonish would be great.
Dr. in the house
Or at least sitting on the porch; welcome back. I hope one day we will be able to read additions to the excellent back catalogue, but even without that, it's good news that you're still with us :)
Teri Ann
"Reach for the sun."
thank you
Thank you for letting us know you're ok.
It sounds like you've been through a lot.
I don't know what happened on the Whateley forums and I don't want to reopen any old wounds but I will say I miss Sara. Some parts were light and some were deliciously dark and I miss the contrast.
If you can't revisit those stories I for one will be very interested to see what else you come up with.
If it turns out to be something completely different (which considering the change in your circumstances would make sense) then that will only make things more intriguing.
Good to hear things are going better for you.
welcome back!
chatted to ya a few short times on deviantA but good to see ya back
hopped you would jump onto some Sara stuff? But if not try a toss at the WA 2nd gen stuff and make something very new!
or run around till you find what you want too do???
Proud member of the Whateley Academy Drow clan/collective
Wow, trans is hard
You hit a wall and wham! it is either do it or die. It is a sure sign when one is willing to risk all to do it. I went through a relatively brief episode of depression before I went through the desperation of transitioning. Having friends is absolutely essential. It may very well mean success or failure.
I've always wondered what you've been doing during your absence.
As far as Patreon goes, I would be more than willing to support more Fate and the Iron Tiger. I love the story and would be willing to pay a lot of good money for a continuation. The exalted stuff has been only supported by you and Bek and it deserves some serious love. I would heavily Patreon Bek for a follow on to Anathema (Nightbringer.)
Welcome back, get yourself settled and if you want to write professionally I would go ahead and ask here what people would like. There are some of us who would gladly commission a work like 'Fate' if necessary, I am sure.
Your comment about switching on.......
Your emotions rings very true. I was there too, and it's amazing.
I'm showing my age, but those of us old enough to remember our first color TV probably remember The Wonderful World of Disney coming on every week. It would start out in black and white with the announcer welcoming everyone to The Wonderful World of Disney, and then he would say, "In color!", and Tinker Bell would hit the picture with her wand, and the whole screen would burst into bright colors.
That was what it was like for me. My whole world had been in shades of grey, and suddenly I could see in color. And I'm never going back to the grey.......
It would be wonderful to read anything you choose to write - just write.
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
Happy for you
Glad to see you back in a better frame of mind, I have followed your stories on Whateley site as well as others, it would be nice if you could can your characters their up and running again but I understand that could be hard
HAPPY YOUR ARE BETTER AND WRITING AGAIN
HUGS
I did
I did not know you before and have not read any of your stories, but I have been thru the depression and joy of transition. I got so much better after I was well into my own transition as well. I did not loose my job but did loose several key members of my team at work and had to get new members, all because of MY transition. I will look for your new stories and give them a try to see how they are. I only try to give positive critiques and feedback, so I hope that will help in story development.
Charolotte
opinor ergo sum
Charlotte Van Goethem
Good to hear from you!
Whether or not you ever write again is, in some ways, irrelevant. It's good to hear from you; far too many people drop off the boards and are never heard from again, and we never find out what happened to them. So checking in is a very good thing to do. Recognizing you're Trans is a big step to make, and changes everything in your life as your priorities change, a lot; OK, that's my assumption, not being Trans myself, but I can't imagine it being a _small_ change. I only have one off-line friend who is Trans, my sister-in-law's best friend from High School, and she's gone through a lot; I met her when she was still presenting as male, gave him a suit to wear to a wedding we all were attending.
Anyway. Get your priorities straight. Make a plan for how to reach your end goal. Gather friends around you to assist yourself in the steps necessary to reach that end. You have to have counseling before they will approve you for the operation, take full advantage of that counseling to keep your head on straight. Recognize that not everyone you know is going to accept, let alone understand, this change in you and your life; it is sad but true that some of those you thought you could rely upon will turn into enemies, when this happens don't waste your energy trying to bring them around, cut the connection before they turn violent; phobic people are not rational in their thinking, don't become a statistic. Given that you say you have moved back in with your parents, I take it that they are accepting this change in your life, and still support you; this is a wonderful thing, don't fail to let them know how much you appreciate their help and love and compassion.
My understanding is that it takes some time to fully adjust, post-op. When you get to that stage of your transition, take the time, and do it right. The older you are, the more stuff you have to deal with post-op in regard to setting up a new life in your new gender. I don't know how old you are, but based upon how long you've been an online presence, you ain't no spring chicken. Some of the things that need to get changed post-op can be set up in advance, just waiting to get set in motion once the surgery is complete; work on that in your copious free time .
I hope your transition is successful. I hope you keep in touch. I've never met you, I don't think I've emailed you previously, but I have read a number of your stories, and enjoyed them, so you're not a total stranger; strange, yes, stranger, no.
Yours,
John Robert Mead