Lessons I have Learned here –

I was so touched that Haylee V wrote a story about me. I have gotten so much praise that I didn't think I deserved and I thank everyone.

I have been writing just a short few months here. I started out by saying that I gave up on writing about thirty plus years ago because of a horrible experience in a creative writing course at university. I wanted to mention a few lessons I have learned here.

Over the last few months, I have progressed in my writing and improved it thanks to your support. Some of the reasons that has happened will become self-evident in a moment. But, some observations I make here might help other writers and I am going bring them up first.

First, I observe when I write the number of reads to the number of Kudos in the first 72 hours. After that, I ignore it. I ignore whether it gets a lot of reads or not. I also ignore whether it gets a lot of kudos or not.

What I do observe is the ratio of kudos to reads. The feedback it gives me is tremendous. If I write a piece and I get one kudo for every ten reads, I find I have done really well. Below that, I look at what I have written and figure out how to improve. Above one kudo to every ten reads, I look to learn why it struck home, meant something to you, my audience, and seek to include what you are looking for more often.

Now, to the reason I quit writing at university. The story I wrote for class stank. The reason is obvious. While all of the students could write from their experience of teenage angst of gaining acceptance in school or in our short lives up until that point without fear of acceptance in class, I couldn’t share with them my angst was not only about concerns about who I would be when I grew up, but also about what sex I would be when I grew up. Who wants to share that? I hid my true nature.

The realization as a young pre-teen that I had a female wired brain and to discover during my teenage years that my thought processes were atypical for a male in that I didn’t think or talk like the guys around me. I never, like, for example, would say ‘look at her boobs’ or ‘what a cute ass’ and use that kind of talk.

By contrast, I remember standing in my algebra class as a sophomore looking at a beautiful girls shapely butt in jeans thinking I should be drooling over that instead of asking myself what it would be like to have that cute butt.

I eventually made my choice. And it was a hard one to make. As I have related to someone, when my mother became ill, her disease was such that any decision on my part to transition would have killed her. I mean, really killed her. It wasn’t her, it was the disease.

I have not regretted staying the course of my biology. I have children and I have always wanted kids. I love being a parent. It makes up for things. And I have a wife I love very much and adore. She and I think alike, for some odd reason. But, I have an enormous understanding of why someone would want to change their sex and why.

Which is how I started writing here. My life experience must have a reason and people who could benefit from it.

Still, I had to wonder as I stepped out here if I was worthy enough in my prose to touch the people here at BC and make a difference. I pray that I have.

I want to thank everyone for their kind remarks and support. I hope what I write brings healing and some relief from past painful memories. I hope to continue doing it for a long time to come.

I realize that what I write may be Pollyannish, but I feel it is something that brings a moment of love to someone who is hurt deep inside and understanding to someone who never felt the pain.

I also think that everyone probably has figured out that my muse is the person I buried deep inside me so many years ago. She is content. And it is her heart writing my stories.

Something my mother asked me one day. “Why would God allow the disease” she was dying from. I responded, “Mom, because it would be judgment day and not another person would be saved.”

That is a hard concept to grasp. But God gave us free will. He also gave us a planet to manage. And, on that planet, we have introduced all sorts of chemicals and drugs that are having unintended consequences. Has anyone noted that Transgenders came on the scene in increasing amounts after the introduction of plastics? And, they have dramatically increased after hormones became supplements in our food chain. I am not saying that transgenders didn’t exist in early times. But, it is fairly self evident that our playing with nature to produce foods and to change our environment to suit us has also resulted in unintended consequences.

I firmly believe that it is no coincidence that with the growing age of chemistry, that the reason my brain is wired the way it is is because of the environment. Recently, I learned that the digits of my hand shows the influence of hormones being severely imbalanced while I was in the womb. It was no surprise to me. But, it shows that something happened while my mother was pregnant.

The fact that she died of a rare disease that also took the lives of two of her college roommates speaks volumes.

Well, those are my musings on the lessons I have learned.

Blessings on you all and thank you so much for being so accepting of me,

AuP