Hi, it's me again, I've been gone for a while. I haven't been able to get computer access for a while now and have been reading the stories from my phone. My fingers are too big to easily type on my phone and I have to delete and retype most of what I write. I'm still in the same state of mind/ situation as my other posts, and it's starting to bleed through the mask I show to the world. No one that knows me in real life know the real me and that I am a girl inside. I feel so alone and stressed. The few people I talk to at my school are starting to notice that I haven't smiled in weeks or talk as much. While they may be friends of the mask I wear each day there not really my friends. How could they be my friends they don't even know me no one knows me. If they knew me I would be completely socially shunned and blacklisted at the very least and that would be me being lucky which never seems to happen. I use to cry myself the sleep every night, but now I can't cry at all. One of. Y family members was recently in the hospital and I shed. It a single tear, when I recent years I could have filled a gallon jug with them. I don't feel a change I emotions anymore. I only feel and overbearing sense of desolation and hopelessness has become my normal. I'm slowly slipping until one day there will be nothing left of me, an empty shell. I feel like I'm slowly dying from the inside out. When I created my account it started as just a way for me to bookmark and give kudos to stories I had enjoyed. I had never planned on writing stories or commenting or making blog posts. So I know the name Unknown_Person because that's what I am I'm a person no one knows and I feel invisible and disconnected from life. Without computer access it has given me a substantial amount of time to think about life or my lack there of. I guess I truly realized I was different from the others in third grade, just a sense of underlying wrongness in my life. I started eating my emotions and gained 50 to 60 pounds that school year and around the same amount my 4th grade year. At the start of my fifth grade year I found a pair of my cousins panties that has somehow got mixed into my clothes during washing from where she had stayed a week or so with my family before summers end. The fabric felt soft and light. They were red and had letting on the back that said "booty camp" and being young and curious I decided to try wearing them. They felt great and not in a sexual way, they just felt right like they belonged on me even though they were a little tight. So growing up around computers and school and having some seemingly natural skill with them I went onto the internet to search for information about why they felt so right. At first I thought I was maybe cross dresser and that I could just occasionally wear panties and that sense of wrongness I mentioned earlier would go away. So I tried that for a while and the sense of wrongness slightly lessened, but was no where near going away. I went back to the internet where is did more research. Prior to my research I had never heard of anything related to the being transgender or a cross dresser. People like me just weren't accepted or talked about where I live. I stumbled upon a site talking about transgender people and how transgender people felt. I realized hey that's how I feel! It became a big turning point in my life. I then knew that I was really a girl, but I knew that my family would never accept me and it would be long past puberty before I could do anything about it I began to lose hope, but I hid it well. I began to work harder I school and joined the schools academic team, hoping I could eventually become a girl in body to match my
Heart and soul. As I look back now I realize when I was younger that I maybe didn't hide it as well as I thought I did. When the same cousin I mentioned earlier would spend weekends and weeks during summer with our family because my extended family had been really tight knit, we would play house and I would put a bunch of long yellow yarn on my head as a wig and pretend to be a girl. I always had so much fun until my dad began to tease me about it and made me feel ashamed about it until I stopped "pretending" to be a girl. I look back now and cherish those times even though I'm still a teenager I feel as though I've had to mature at a faster rate to handle my life. I feel broken down and exhausted from hiding it, but writing a post like this is the closest I can come to coming out and getting it off my chest. Intellectually at this point in the post that more than likely no one is reading it, but my subconscious is adamant that I say thank you to maybe the one or two who did read all the way to the end and by doing so have helped lighten my spirit.