Synopsis:
Jake's life is being ripped out of his control as his Aunt plans for a future he never wanted, all while his body continues to change and the hope of finally seeing his mum again grows stronger. But the feelings he's tried to avoid for most of his life come rushing back and he begins to break apart from the pressure coming at him from all sides.

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Chapter Four: Looking to the future

Aunt Linda held me until I stopped crying, and as I sniffed and wiped my eyes she put her hands on my shoulders and smiled down at me.

‘You always have make things harder than they need to be, don’t you?’ she kissed me on the forehead and cupped my chin in her hands so I was looking up at her. ‘You poor, silly little thing. You need to stop being so ashamed of your body. Especially not now that it’s so beautiful! You’ve become such a wonderful young woman an-’

‘I’m a boy.’ I said weakly and hiccupped.

‘No.’ she said and a weak spark of anger ran through me. ‘Not on the outside, anyway. Except for that thing between your legs, but that’s easily hidden.’ I pushed my legs together even tighter and she laughed softly. ‘See, you hate it too. Wouldn’t you be happier without it?’

‘Wh-no!’ I stared at her with wide eyes, my stomach growing cold. I did hate my genitals but I hadn’t expected her to pick up on that.

‘Owh, Jake. You’re so disappointing.’ She sighed and finally let go of my face. ‘But that’s okay. We’re going to fix that very soon, aren’t we?’

‘What?’ I asked shakily.

‘You’ll see.’ She beamed and grabbed my discarded school clothes, along with my glasses. ‘But we can talk later, after I’ve had time to sort some things out. I’ve had a few things planned for a while now and it’s time I set them in motion.’

‘Wait!’ I said as she began to get up. ‘The medication can’t be working if my body’s like this! This is way worse than it s-should be, right?’

‘Yes, it is. But that’s not the medication’s fault, that’s yours.’ She looked me in the eye as her lips twitched. ‘If you didn’t forget to take it all the time then your body wouldn’t be like it is. This is your fault, Jake. You didn’t listen to me and now you have to deal with the consequences.’
My fault…

‘C-consequences?’ I shivered. ‘Like having the injections?’

‘Yes, but so much more than that.’ She rubbed the top of my head, and even through the numbness I felt a small spark of pleasure. ‘Consequences don’t always have to be bad, you know. I’m going to make you so happy sweetie, now that I don’t have to hold back anymore. Now that I know you’re not going to look like some transvestite or drag queen.’ Her lips twisted in distaste and she ran her hands down my sides, making me squirm uncomfortably. ‘No…you’re going to be perfect. Real instead of fake and disgusting. Truly pure. I promise you Jake, your happiness won’t be anything for anyone to be ashamed or disgusted by. You’re going to be everything we wanted, and so much more!’

‘W-what? We who? What are you talking about?’

She smirked and let out a small sigh. ‘Nothing you need worry about for the moment. Now, go to your room and rest up for a bit. I’ll come and get you in a few hours when I’m ready.’

I nodded numbly and watched as she left the room, then dropped down onto my side and stared at the wall, my head a painful mass of confusion and shame. It was difficulty to hold onto a thought long enough to process it except for one. One horrible, awful thought that I’d never even considered before now.

Was this my fault? I hadn’t thought that the medication was working so I’d stopped taking it as often, and now I looked just like a girl. It was my fault in that I’d stopped taking the medication as much, but I didn’t know that I’d nearly turn into a girl because of it! That seemed insane! I should be impossible! What kind of weird body abnormality turned boys turn into girls except for their genitals?

Aunt Linda had never gone into specifics about my condition, saying that I was too young to properly understand it, so I had no idea what was going on. All she’d said was that it was a rare developmental…thing…that sometimes happened to boys my age, and that it’d go away if I took my medication. She’d never said anything about me turning into a girl! I’d thought the worst that could happen was that I’d just look like an odd little girl for a couple of years, not that I’d start growing up like one!

How could this be my fault? So what if I forgot to take my medication for a couple of days throughout the last couple of months? Maybe if Aunt Linda had of actually told me turning into a girl was a possibility then I wouldn’t have been so lax about it! I’d never have thought this was possible!

God…this was insane, wasn’t it? What was happening to me? This wasn’t normal. Was…someone doing this to me? Was…was Aunt Linda doing this to me?

No! That was impossible. She wouldn’t hurt me like that, she loved me! But…

I wondered sometimes. She never gave me a decent answer about what was going on and never took me to a doctor, just told me to take my medication. I knew she wanted me to be a girl and was overjoyed at my body becoming more feminine, so why would she be so concerned about me taking medication that went against all of that? Why would she get so mad at me for not taking it when it’d undo all of the changes in my body that she was so happy about? Unless the medication wasn’t doing anything, or was actually turning me into a girl!

But, she was my legal guardian. She was responsible for my health and wellbeing and from what I understood, it was illegal for her to neglect my medical needs. Or turn me into a girl. If she was altering my body and someone found out then she could be arrested, or sued, or whatever it is that happens in those kinds of situations. I couldn’t believe that she’d break the law just to turn me into a girl, no matter how badly she wanted to. That was insane, and Aunt Linda might be weird and really scary sometimes, but she wasn’t insane. She just…liked girls a lot more than boys, is all.

And besides all of that, there was no way mum would leave me with someone who’d turn me into a girl! Mum had been Aunt Linda’s best friend for years, she knew her better than I ever would. If she thought she could be trusted to look after me then that was all there was to it. Mum wasn’t stupid.

I began to feel guilty even thinking about Aunt Linda doing this to me. She’d taken me in, and continued to look after me even after mum hadn’t come home when she’d said. She’d fed me, bought me awesome presents, gave me money and sent me to school. So what if she was a bit weird and wanted me to be a girl? Thinking that she’d actually mess with my body was just…rude. Wrong. Offensive. I was horrible for even thinking about it! She loved me!

I gritted my teeth as a sob threatened to tear its way out of my throat. I needed to stop thinking about this! What was happening to me was just some natural but rare body condition, and if I did what Aunt Linda said everything would be okay. It was my fault my body was like this…

But…it couldn’t hurt to do some research on my own, could it? While I was at the library tomorrow I could try and look into it somehow, maybe use the internet on the computers. I wasn’t great with computers but I knew how to Google something, and that was all I’d need, right?

That thought made me feel a little better and I got to my feet, carefully wrapping my towel around my waist. Once it was secure I removed my contacts, which had begun to fog up due to my tears, and quickly cleaned them again before putting them back in. I grabbed the black box they’d come in and then fled out of the room and down the stairs, not even glancing at Aunt Linda’s open doorway. When I reached the living room I hurled myself into my bedroom and slammed the door behind me, then dropped onto the soft carpeted floor with a relieved sigh. The beautifully safe, crowded darkness of my room washed over me and I felt myself immediately begin to relax.

Oh, thank god…

This was my sanctuary, my safe place. My small, warm little burrow where nothing bad could happen to me. There were no windows in here so it was always dark without the lights on, and for some reason it seemed to stay warm all year round, even in winter.

My brown bed was in the middle of the left wall underneath and it was littered with soft toys. Most of them were platypuses of various sizes but there were a few kittens and puppies hidden amongst them, as well as a rather lonely baby bunny. On the two shelves above the bed were the majority of my Pristine figurines, all neatly lined up to show them off to…well…me, really. The platypus figurine mum had given me was directly above my bed and on either side of it were two sleeping kittens. I’d neatly lined up the rest in no particular order besides making sure that my favourites were near the center. These consisted of the cuter figurines such as foxes, cats, puppies, foals, piglets, ferrets, ducklings, lambs, does, seals, bunnies and so on.

I…liked cute animals. A lot. I was painfully aware of how feminine of a trait that was, and the fact that Aunt Linda eagerly encouraged it only made it worse, but I just couldn’t help it. Cute things made my stomach all warm and happy, and a lot of the time when I was sad looking at my figurines and soft toys made me feel so much better.

They reminded me of…better times. Back when mum and I lived together, along with my sister.

On either side of my bed were two huge soft toy bears, each one taller than me even while sitting down. They had a small collection of baby animal plushies on their lap and the black fur around their stomachs had been worn away from the countless hugs they’d endured from me over the years. On either side of them were my large ornate wardrobe and chest of drawers, both of which had a scattering of Pristine figurines on them. These ones were the cooler ones that I was fond of, such as my whales and sharks. The great white figurine that I’d been hoping to get today would have gone right in the middle of the whales on my wardrobe, guarding it from any potential intruders. Rawr!

My work desk was on the opposite wall, and it the barest place in the room. I was the kind of person who left homework until the very last minute, usually the morning that it was due, and as such my desk barely saw any use. Aunt Linda had said that I’d get her old laptop when I was old enough to be trusted alone on the internet but that day still hadn’t come…

Two giant bookshelves were on either side of the desk, and another larger one was in the center of the back wall. One of them was full of animal books, usually ones that contained amazing wildlife photos, but I had a few more scientific ones as well. The second one was full of comics, manga and the few novels that I’d read, and the final bookcase was where I stored my DVDs. It was mostly fighting and science fiction anime, but I’d collected a few comedy anime over the years as well. There were some movies on the bottom shelf, and the top one was where I kept my documentaries. I owned pretty much everything that David Attenborough had created and I’d collected quite a few dinosaur documentaries as well. I loved seeing what life was like millions of years ago and learning about how different species had evolved into what they are now. Plus, dinosaurs were awesome.

I liked to think that my love of cool things like dinosaurs and sharks balanced out my love of cute things. I wasn’t quite sure if that was how that all worked, but it made me feel a little better.

After soaking up the safety of my room for a couple more seconds I went to my wardrobe and pulled out my pyjamas, unable to stand being naked any longer. The pyjamas were jet-black and made out of soft wool that immediately irritated my chest, but the feeling of being clothed again far outweighed that small discomfort.

An odd, relieved grunt escaped my lips once I was fully dressed and I jumped onto my bed, my head beginning to clear. I rolled over to my side and grabbed my favourite soft toy, a large dark brown platypus called Julia, and hugged her tightly to my chest for a few moments.

‘Okay.’ I said quietly, focusing on Julia’s large black eyes. Talking to her always helped me put my thoughts in order. ‘So, I think I over-reacted to Aunt Linda inspecting my body. She only did it to see if the medication was working, it wasn’t like she was trying to humiliate me. I shouldn’t have gotten so upset. It’s my fault my body’s like this and she was just trying to help! R-right?’ I looked questioningly at Julia, who nodded sagely. ‘Right. She’s always trying to help me and I’m always making things hard for her. Maybe I shouldn’t fight her so much when she tries to make me more like a girl. I mean, tomorrow I’m going to be actually dressing up as a girl for a photoshoot! So it’s not like I’m disgusted by the idea or anything. Why do I fight it so much?’

Julia looking meaningfully at me and I grimaced. ‘I know. Because it’s scary. I get bullied at school all the time because of how I look, and that’s just while wearing the baggy uniform and my glasses. If I actually put effort into looking like a girl then I’d be bullied a thousand times worse! I know Aunt Linda says it’s not wrong to be feminine but she’s the only one who says that. I’ve never heard anyone else say it’s okay for boys to dress like girls. Most of the kids at school make fun of crossdressers, and that’s what I’d be if I dressed like a girl, right? Because…I don’t want to be a girl.’ Julia looked at me knowingly and I sighed. ‘I know. Things would be so much easier if I actually was a girl, wouldn’t they? I wouldn’t get bullied for looking like this and I’d probably even have friends. I’d get along much better with Aunt Linda too. And I’d…I’d…’ I trailed off as a strange, warm feeling appeared in my stomach, along with tingling sensations down my back.

If I actually was a girl…

I wasn’t a girl, obviously. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t be one. There were people who changed their sex, transse-

‘Ah! What the hell am I thinking?’ I gasped and sat bolt upright, a cold chill running down my back. ‘I’m a boy! And I’m happy being a boy! The only reason things suck is because I look like this, but I won’t forever! So…so shut up!’

I shook my head and fell back down onto the bed again, squashing Julia up into a tight hug. The strange, warm feeling in my stomach was still there but I tried to ignore it. ‘The point is, that…I’m a boy and I’ll get made fun of for dressing like a girl. No, even worse than being made fun of. People would think that I’m a transsexual…w-which I’m not! I’m a boy!’ I glared at Julia, who stared sadly back at me. ‘I’m not a transsexual! Stop looking at me like that!’

I shoved the platypus away from me and rolled over onto my back, my stomach churning uncomfortably. God damn it. I didn’t want to be a girl! I was just getting confused and overwhelmed by my changing body and Aunt Linda constantly trying to make me like girly things.

But that warm feeling in my stomach whenever I thought about it…not dressing as a girl but actually being one…was enticing. I’d felt it once before, when I’d first seen my feminising body and thought that I was turning into a girl. I’d been terrified but excited too. For a brief moment it felt like everything was going to be okay, that I was actually a girl and my body was fixing itself, genitals and everything. And once it was done I’d be able to go to a new school as a girl where nobody knew me and I’d finally fit in, make friends and not be alone! Aunt Linda and I would finally get along and mum would definitely have to come home and see me! I’d be her new daughter!

But…I hadn’t been turning into a girl. I was just a boy who was starting to look like one. My genitals weren’t going to disappear, I wasn’t going to start growing breasts and I wouldn’t be able to give birth.

I’d been more upset about that than I cared to admit. But I’d gotten over it! It’d just been a brief moment of confusion and it was gone now. It’d only lasted a day, from when I woke up and saw my wider hips to when I’d showed Aunt Linda and had her explain what was happening. After that I was fine with being a boy! I was…I was fine.

But the warm feeling was still there, and it was making me anxious and…really sad…

If I’d been born a girl my life would have been so much better.

But that was…that was just…something that didn’t matter! Because I was born a boy and I didn’t want to be a girl anymore! Wearing girl’s clothes and acting like a girl just reminded me that I wasn’t really a girl and it made me feel like shit! That was why I hated it! Not because I was bullied all the time, even though that was a part of it. That was another reminder of what I wasn’t, just a boy who looked like a girl instead of a real girl. Same with wearing girls clothes, and acting like one and being treated like. It was all just a painful reminder of a life I’d never have. I didn’t care what Aunt Linda said, I was a boy and no amount of clothing or kind words would change that. Nor my feminine body and face. I had a...penis…

And even if I didn’t, even if I somehow got the surgery that made my genitals into girls ones, it still wouldn’t matter. Mum…I was a boy to her, she’d never accept me as a girl. She’d never come home to see her transsexual son. She wouldn’t love me. I’d be a…a freak to her, and end up alone and unloved with just Aunt Linda for company.

I breathed out and wiped my eyes, which were starting to tear up. I needed to stop thinking about this. It was pointless. All it did was make me feel sad and empty. I was a boy, and when I finally looked like I was supposed to then everything would be fine. I just had to hold on and be patient, and deal with dressing like a girl over the next couple of weeks. When mum came back to see me model she’d make everything okay again. I’d be her son and that…

That was enough. As long as she was back I could deal with anything.

…maybe.

‘Jake. Wake up.’

I groaned and turned over in my sleep, curling myself around Julia. Was someone cal-

‘Jake!’

My eyes snapped open with a gasp, and I saw Aunt Linda standing above me with a frown. She’d turned the lights on in my room and I was snuggled up underneath my bedsheets. What the hell? When had I fallen asleep? I didn’t remember…

‘What…’ I said blearily and rubbed my eyes, pushing myself into a kneeling position and looking up at my aunt. ‘What time is it?’

‘It’s nine thirty.’ she said gently and pushed my bed hair out of my face and behind my ears with a smile. ‘Don’t worry, you can go back to sleep when I’m done. Unless you’re hungry?’

I was still pretty full from the pizza I’d had with Lilah, so I shook my head. ‘I’m okay. What umm…why are you here? Sorry…’

‘I just want to take your measurements, sweetie. It won’t take long.’ I rubbed my eyes again and saw that she was holding a roll of measuring tape, as well as a small notepad. ‘Hop off the bed for me.’

‘My measurements?’ I asked as I crawled off the bed and got to my feet, using Aunt Linda’s stomach for support.

‘Yep. I want to be able to measure the changes your body goes through.’

‘To see if the injections work?’ I asked and she blinked, then smiled.

‘Yes! Exactly!’ she patted me on the head and I squeaked happily. ‘Now, take off your clothes. I want to get these measurements as exact as possible.’

My stomach plummeted and I was suddenly wide awake. Oh my god! She wanted me to get naked again!? Jesus…

‘Jake…’ Aunt Linda said as I hesitated, her voice becoming stern. ‘Do you want a repeat of what happened earlier in the bathroom?’

I shook my head and grabbed the bottom of my pyjamas, knowing all too well now how pointless it was to refuse her. ‘S-sorry…’

‘It’s okay.’ She beamed as I undressed, the sternness disappearing. ‘I know this makes you uncomfortable but you’re going to have to get used to it. I want to measure you every week from now on, to see how your body’s changing. Not just from the medication though. I was thinking, would you like to come to the gym with me sometimes?’

‘What? Why?’ I stared at her in surprise as she measured my waistline.

‘You’re smaller than I’d like, and very weak.’ I blushed unhappily but she continued, smiling slightly. ‘So I want to increase the amount of food you eat to help you put on some muscle, but I don’t want you getting fat.’

‘Oh…well…’ I trailed off, having no idea how to think about that. I’d never gone to the gym before, and physical activities weren’t all that high up on the list of things I wanted to do.

‘Also, I’m enrolling you in singing lessons.’ she said nonchalantly as she finished measuring my hips.

‘What!?’ I gasped and stared at her. ‘Why?’

‘Because you have a beautifully soft, feminine voice and I want you to put it to good use.’

‘I don’t want to sing!’

‘Too bad.’ she said, lifting up both my arms and measuring my chest. I squirmed and fought against my natural instinct to push her arms away. ‘You’re going to learn to sing, and you’re going to learn to dance as well. And I was thinking it might be worth looking into piano lessons as well, or maybe even violin ones. Which do you prefer?’

‘Uh…’ I watched as she wrote down my measurements in her notebook, completely lost. ‘Why do I need to do all these things now? Is this because of my body?’

‘Yes.’ She pushed my legs apart and began measuring my thighs, ignoring my embarrassment. ‘It should go without saying, but I expect you to go to all of these activities as a girl. Your body is stunning and I refused to let you waste its potential.’

I shivered at her words and hugged myself. ‘But…Aunt Linda, I really don’t wa-’

‘I know you don’t want to, but it’s for the best.’ She finished measuring my legs and scribbled the results in her notebook. ‘I’ve been thinking about this for a while but I kept holding off because your body was too masculine, but now that it’s not then there’s no need to delay things any further. You’re going to learn to sing, dance and play an instrument.’

‘Why?’

‘Because you, my cute little baby girl, are going to become a star. Just like I’ve always wanted.’ she said with a wide smile, putting her hands on my shoulder. ‘Not just any star though. A special one.’

‘Special how?’ I didn’t like how she’d said that.

‘You’ll see.’ She beamed and squeezed my shoulders. ‘For now though, all you need to worry about is learning your new skills and getting healthier.’

‘I don’t w-’

‘I don’t care.’ she said over me, her expression darkening. ‘This is for your own good sweetie, even if you can’t see it now. Besides, I think you’ll quite like the process once it gets started.’

‘What process?’

She tilted her head and smiled, taking her hands off my shoulders. ‘The process of becoming Lain, of course.’

‘Who?’

‘That’s what your name will be.’

‘What? Lain?’

‘Yes.’

She smiled but I just stared blankly back, unable to properly digest what she’d just said. She wanted me to be a female star called Lain? That was insane! Even if I actually wanted to do that, there was no way it was possible. I was…well, me! I loved platypuses and animal figurines, not dancing and singing. There was no way I’d be able to learn those kinds of skills. I wasn’t made for moving around and entertaining people. What did she even mean by star? A singer? Did she want me to release albums? Or did she want me to be in operas or something? Or…what? I had no idea, and I didn’t think she was going to divulge any more information at this point so I didn’t bother asking.

Learning to play an instrument wouldn’t be so bad, but learning to sing and dance sounded awful. There had to be a way to get out of doing those. I was already doing the modelling competition and that was wa-oh!

‘Aunt Linda!’ I gasped and grabbed her arm. ‘Would it be okay if I went out tomorrow? Around twelve?’

‘Where?’ she asked, her smile fading somewhat.

‘Uh…to the library! I’m meeting someone from school, and we’re going to work on a project together.’ I lied quickly, although it wasn’t completely a lie. A half-truth I guess.

‘…okay. That should be fine.’ Aunt Linda said after a moment and I let out a relieved breath. Thank god! ‘So long as you come with me to one of my work functions on Sunday.’

I blinked. ‘What? You want me to go to work with you?’

Aunt Linda was a campaign manager and barely ever talked about her work with me, so I couldn’t imagine a reason why she’d want me around.

‘It’s not really work, just a meet and greet. Getting to know some of my clients’ supporters and their families.’ She reaffixed her smile. ‘It’ll be a good opportunity for you to get to know some people who’ll be a very big help to us in the future.’

‘To us?’

‘Yes. I’m your manager, after all. What helps you helps me.’ She kissed me on the forehead. ‘You’ll go with me to the function?'

‘I guess…’

‘Good girl!’ she squeezed my shoulders one last time and went to the doorway. ‘you’ve got some big days ahead of you, but I promise you’ll enjoy them. Goodnight sweetie.’

‘G-goodnight.’ I said awkwardly as she turned off the bedroom lights and left.

I put my pyjamas back on and fell backwards onto my bed, reeling from everything she’d just said. I think…

I think I was starting to understand…

To be continued

Thankyou so much for reading! I appreciate it a lot.
Also, I have a question. You've probably noticed that I go into a lot of detail when describing different areas, like the bathroom, Jake's bedroom, the apartment and the like. I was wondering if I maybe go into too much detail? I'm worried it drags the flow of the story down a bit. I really like to describe what I see in my head, so that you can almost feel it and see it more clearly, especially when the characters are having conversations, but I don't want people to get put off or bored by the descriptions and not even get to the conversations and stuff. Thanks!

Also, I used a few names (2) from my other stories, because I really like those names! There's no connection to them though...