Chapters 9-10

Chapter 9

It was a phone call Amanda feared would come. She just didn't expect it so soon.

Nicole was in the school nurse's office. She had been beaten up.

Amanda rushed from her office. She tried her best to do the speed limit, but she ran a red light getting to the school.

"Your brother is in the room right down the hall," the school secretary said.

She found Nicole with a fat lip. She appeared to have a black eye.

"It looks like you have a pretty good shiner, sweetpea," Amanda said, taking a wet cloth from the nurse and wiping Nicole's wounds.

"I'm sorry mom," Nicole replied.

"Tell me what happened," Amanda said.

"Some boys were picking on me in P.E.," Nicole said. "They kept calling me a sissy. I told them to stop."

One of the boys, a rather large one, told Nicole to stop them from picking on her. He then shoved her.

Nicole tried to fight back, swinging, but missing. The large boy swung, but didn't miss.

"Oh baby, it's not your fault," Amanda said.

She was furious when she found out how the teasing started. The P.E. teacher, Coach Tanner, called Nicole "Miss Priss."

Amanda stormed out of the nurse's office, telling Nicole she would be back. She headed to the coach's office.

"No offense, ma'am, but Nicholas is not like other boys," Coach Tanner said when Amanda confronted him. "He needs to toughen up. Maybe living in a house where he is the only boy has made him the way he is."

Amanda was seething.

"Maybe sh...he is not like other boys," Amanda said, almost slipping. "He is gentle, sweet and smart. He shouldn't have to worry that one of his teachers would start the teasing."

She not only exchanged words with the P.E. teacher, but the principal as well. Amanda demanded an apology. She threatened to complain to the school board.

Nicole was silent on the ride home. Even being in Nicholas mode didn't protect her from teasing and taunting.

That bothered Amanda. There was no denying Nicole was different. Her mannerisms screamed girl even if her appearance was that of a boy.

Amanda struggled for words to say, any way to comfort her daughter and the struggle she faced.

*****

"Wow, that's a rough looking black eye!" Meredith said as they stretched at the barre. "What happened?"

"Some boys were teasing Nikki in P.E.," Sara said. "He got into a fight."

"Looks like he lost," Meredith said. "We've got to do something to cheer him up."

Perhaps words of encouragement during ballet class would lift her up, Sara thought.

"Nice unitard, it suits you," she said before they began barre work.

"Thanks," Nicole said.

"Ladies and gentleman, it is time to stop talking," Madame Ruth said. "It's time to start dancing."

The dance class proved to be the medicine Nicole needed. Even though she was dressed differently than the other girls (Amanda bought him a "unisex" unitard to at least give Nicole a more feminine appearance, even if a little more subtle.)

She felt graceful, beautiful and elegant. Madame Ruth at times tried to get her to dance more "manly", but it didn't quite work too well.

"You still dance very beautifully," she said. "I am amazed by your ability even after a few classes."

Nicole liked everything about the class. She liked the plies, the tendus, the grande battements. She liked the pretty jumps and turns. Her soul seemed to flow with the music.

She was amazed by how quickly the class went.

"Sorry about what happened to you during school today," Meredith said.

"Thanks Meredith," Nicole said. "But it was nothing, really."

"It's not nothing," Sara said. "Those boys are so mean. Coach Tanner is a joke."

"A rather cruel joke," Meredith said.

"I hate P.E., I hate it, I hate it," Nicole said.

It wasn't just the teasing. It was the fact that she had to change clothes in front of the boys. She hated her body as it was. That just made it worse.

"I have an idea," Meredith said. "We could try out for dance team. Then dance team would be our P.E. class."

Nicole liked the idea of being in a P.E. class with other girls. But she also worried that would make things worse. If the boys though she was "sissy" now, what would they do if they found out he was on the dance team, much less taking ballet.

"I don't think I'm good enough of a dancer," Nicole replied.

"Of course you are, Nikki," Meredith said.

Sara, though, also worried if that would make things worse, rather than better. But she also thought it would be fun.

She also wondered if Nicole would be better off at a private school like the one Sam attended. It was what her mother called a school that taught tolerance. Sam was allowed to be a boy at the school. Nicole would be allowed to be a girl.

But she dared not suggest it. It would get Meredith wondering what was going on with Nicole. Sara felt for sure Meredith wasn't quite ready for such earth shattering news.

Besides, she enjoyed having Nicole around. She was becoming just as close a friend as Meredith. She was also becoming more like a sister.
*****

"So how was dance class?" Amanda asked Nicole after they returned home.

"It was fun," Nicole said. "I had a really good time with Sara and Meredith."

"They are becoming good friends for you aren't they?" Amanda said.

"Yeah, we're buds," Nicole said, imitating Meredith, although she wondered how much of a "bud" Meredith would be if she found out the truth about the real Nicole.

"Madame Ruth tells me you're doing very good in class," Amanda asked. "She even mentioned something about you and Amber both being in the Nutcracker this year."

"Really?" Nicole asked. That really peaked her interest. Sara once told her dancers weren't asked to be in it during their first year of classes unless they were really good.

"Yes," Amanda said. "She's really impressed with how well you pick things up. She says you move with the music really well. But she did say you moved too much like a girl. But you dance so well, she isn't about to change."

That actually made Nicole feel good, especially after what happened at school.

Amanda asked how Nicole felt after how things went at school. Nicole told her about Meredith's suggestion that she try out for the dance team to avoid being in a P.E. class with a bunch of bullies. "I know you like dance, but do you really think that is a good idea?"
Amanda asked.

"Probably not, mom," Nicole said as she went to take a bath.

Nicole tried her best to act as feminine and look it while she took a bath. She tucked her "ugly, gross thing" between her legs so she would look more like a girl.

She put on a nightgown after the bath. Nicole walked into the living room where Amber and Kayla were also wearing nightgowns and watching television.

"We're watching Hannah Montana again?" Nicole asked, but she only meant to be teasing.

"Hannah Montana is my favorite show," Kayla chimed in.

"Of course it is," Amber laughed.

Kayla had Hannah Montana posters and clothes. She even named their puppy "Miley."

Amanda joined the girls in the living room. It was one of her favorite times of day.

She enjoyed watching her girls spend time together. She enjoyed spending time with them. She brushed all three of the girls hair.

It was a relaxing time.

She also used the time to talk to friends on the telephone. Amanda spent part of this night talking to Gina. She shared what happened to Nicole. Gina was already aware. Sara called Sam and told him about it.

The story had a very familiar ring to it.

"Oh yeah, we went through the same thing with Sam," Gina said. "The kids at the school he used to attend were very cruel. Sam put up with the dyke and butch jokes all the time."

"What did you do about it?" Amanda asked.

"Well, Sam put up with it as long as he could," Gina said. "Once we made the decision for Sam to live as a boy fulltime, Andrea recommended a private school where Sam goes now. They are really accepting where Sam goes now. Sam no longer dreads school,"

Amanda thought a special private school might be a good idea. But she didn't want to rush into a decision, just like she didn't want to rush Nicole into a decision about her gender identity.

There may come a time when Nicole would live as a girl fulltime. But Amanda wasn't quite sure they reached that time yet. She wanted Nicole to go to a few more sessions with Andrea before, or if, that time ever came.

In the meantime she hoped Nicole would be safe as Nicholas at Franklin Middle School.

It would help, she thought, if the teachers didn't take part in the teasing. That part still made her furious.

Nicole helped Amanda put Kayla to bed after her littlelist one fell asleep watching the Disney Channel.

Nicole carried Kayla upstairs to her room, where Amanda tucked the preschool-aged cherub into bed.

"Sweet dreams little one," Nicole whispered.

She followed as Amanda led a groggy Amber to bed.

Then Amanda put her arm around Nicole and led her into her room.

"I love you sweetpea," she said as sat at Nicole's bedside.

"I don't really want to go to school," Nicole said.

"I can't say that I blame you, little one," Amanda said, brushing aside a few of Nicole's strands of hair from her face. "You've got to be brave, ya know?"

"I know," Nicole answered.

"There have got to be some things you do like about school," Amanda said.

"Well, art is pretty fun," Nicole said. "Some of my teachers are pretty cool. Then there are Sara and Meredith."

"It's great you have them," Amanda said. "By the way, Gina told me that Sam went through some of the same things you are going through at his old school."

"What did they do about it?" Nicole asked.

"Well, once Sam started living as a boy all the time, he started going to a cool private school," Amanda said.

"Is that something we might do?" Nicole asked.

"Maybe, but I don't want to rush into anything right now," Amanda said. She seemed to be giving that answer a lot to Nicole.

"I don't want to rush into anything either, mom," Nicole said. "But mom, I won't ever want to change back into a boy. I want to be a girl all the time. I want to grow up to be a woman."

Amanda thought about Nicole making breakfast for the girls. She thought about her helping to put Kayla to bed.

"You know, there is more to being a woman that your body," Amanda said. "It's also about what is going on up here (she pointed to Nicole's head). I think you are blossoming into a very beautiful young woman already."

Nicole smiled. It made her feel good. She longed for the day when she felt complete.

Chapter 10

It was the first time Nicole went to therapy dressed as Nicole. Dr. Dornan had requested it.

She looked like a typical pre-teen. She wore faded jeans and a tank top, with the straps from her training bra occasionally showing. She also painted her nails and wore her butterfly earrings.

"You look really nice," Andrea Dornan said.

Nicole blushed. "Thank you."

Andrea asked Nicole about her nightmares. She admitted she still had them, although they weren't as frequent.

She asked her about her friends. Nicole talked about how supportive Sara was. She talked about Meredith, how she worried about losing her as a friend if she found out about the real Nicole.

"Would she be a real friend if she didn't accept you for who you are?" Andrea asked.

"No?" Nicole answered.

"I know it's a bit complicated for you to understand," Andrea said.

Nicole knew more than Dr. Dornan realized.

Andrea also asked Nicole about Sam and what she thought of him.

"I like him a lot," Nicole said. "He's very brave."

"I would think he would think the very same about you," Andrea said.

"But he lives as Sam all of the time," Nicole answered. "I don't live as Nicole all of the time."

"How would you feel about living as Nicole all of the time?" Andrea asked.

"I want to be Nicole all the time," Nicole said. "I am Nicole all of the time. I just have to dress as Nicholas. I don't want to have to dress as Nicholas. But I'm scared."

"You're scared someone is going to bully you, hurt you, like they did at school?" Andrea asked.

"Yes," Nicole answered. She was starting to cry.

"It's okay, it's okay," Andrea said.

"Why do people have to be mean to me?" Nicole said. "Why do they want to hurt me? Mom says it's because I'm different."

"Your mom is right," Andrea said. "I wish it was not that way, but it is."

Andrea then asked Nicole about the bathroom incident.

"How to you feel about your body?" Andrea said.

"I hate it," Nicole said. "I hate the thing between my legs. I hate it. I want it off."

"Have you ever tried to cut it off?" Andrea asked.

"I thought about it," Nicole said. "I couldn't do it."

"Good girl," Andrea said. "That can be very dangerous. You could kill yourself."

Nicole nodded her head in agreement.

"Mom said I can have surgery to have it fixed," Nicole said.

"Yes, if you want to continue on that journey," Andrea said. She knew it was a journey Nicole wanted to complete. "We will do what we can to help you."

Andrea made Nicole take a test before the session was over. She then led Nicole to the waiting room.

"I need to talk to your mom for a few minutes," Andrea said. "Wait out here. It won't be too long."

"Have a seat Amanda," Andrea said.

"So, what's the verdict?," Amanda said.

"This isn't a trial," Andrea said.

"I know it isn't," Amanda said. "I guess I just want answers. I guess I'm looking for some magical solution."

She was informed there was no magical solution.

"I had Nikki do a little test," Andrea said. "I'll have the results by her next session."

"What will they say?" Amanda asked.

"Probably no more than we already know," Andrea said. "I had the feeling I was talking to a 12-year-old girl in there."

"You were," Amanda said.

"Nicole has crossed the Rubicon," Andrea said. "I don't believe there will be any going back."

"Andy, we've been friends since college," Amanda said. "My baby's a girl. Perhaps it would be the easy way to go back. Perhaps it would be the safe way. But Andy, I don't think going back is the right thing to do. Is it selfish that I don't want her to go back."

"No it's not," Andrea said. "You're a mother. You want what's best for your child."

The struggle was what road needed to be taken next.

There were a lot of things to consider, especially if Nicole lived as a girl fulltime. At the top of the list what to do about schools.

Would the public system Nicole now attended accept her as a girl? Would the parents? Would the other students?

Andrea suggested the private school Sam attended. She gave Amanda some literature on the school.

"Sam isn't the only transgendered student who attends there," Andrea said. "There are also gay and lesbian students who attend. But I know attending another school can be difficult."

There was also just going out in general public. Would Nicole be able to continue activities like dance? How would it impact Amber and Kayla?

The mention of hormone blockers, eventually taking female hormones. There were a lot of issues to consider.

"There is a conference coming up for gender variant children," Andrea said. "I know Gina is planning on taking Sam. I hear her sister is also going and will be taking her daughter. It's for families as well as for children. I really think it would be very beneficial for Nicole and for you."

Andrea again handed her literature.

"I know it's a difficult road," Andrea said. "It's good she has you."

"Well, I know I'm lucky to have her, too," Amanda said. "My family is not complete without her."

She walked out into the waiting room. Nicole was reading a magazine.

"Let's go sweetpea," Amanda said. "I'm sure the girls are having fun with Lindsey. What do you say you and I do a mother-daughter thing."

"Sure mom, I'd love to do that," Nicole said.

Amanda called her baby sitter to make sure it was fine that she and Nicole stayed out for a couple of hours.

They hit Starbucks for coffee. They also went to the bookstore. Nicole picked out a couple of young adult books.

They also hit the stores to do a little shopping. Amanda bought Nicole a couple of pairs of jeans and cute tops.

They stopped at the place where Amanda shopped for workout clothes. She bought matching leggings and tops.

"Amber is not old enough," Amanda said. "But I think you're the right age to go to yoga with me on Saturday mornings. I think it will really help you."

"That would be really cool, mom!" Nicole said.

*****

"This would look really cool on you," Sara said after she pulled the dress from the closet.

"Oh wow! That looks really nice," Nicole said.

"I'll wear this one," Sara said, pulling a matching dress from the closet.

They were going on "a double date" with Sam and Dan. Sara's mother was going to be the chaperone.

They were going to eat at an Italian restaurant. They were also going skating.

"Don't you think the dresses are a bit much for skating?" Nicole teased.

"Oh no, we want to look really nice for the boys," Sara said.

She put a necklace around Nicole's neck. Nicole put one around Sara's. They also did each other's hair and nails. Julia helped them with their makeup.

Gina dropped Sam off.

"Wow, you look really hip, cuz!" Sara said.

Nicole looked him over.

"You do look really nice," Nicole said.

"You do, too," Sam said. "You both do."

"Why thank you!" Sara said.

The filed into Julia's SUV. Julia picked Dan up along the way.

"How has the acting been going?" Sara asked.

"We're doing High School Musical," Dan said.

Dan didn't have a lead role, but he said it was fun anyway.

"That sounds pretty cool," Nicole said.

"Nicole and I are going to be in the Nutcracker," Sara said.

"Um...I don't know about that." Nicole said, fearing her "secret" would get out. As far as she knew, Dan didn't suspect a thing.

"You'll have to excuse Nikki," Sam said. "This is her first year in dance. She's a little nervous."

Nice save, Sam, Nicole thought.

They stopped at Franco's Italian Grille.

"They have the best lasagna!" Sara said.

Julia tried to keep from giggling during the meal. She watched Sara and Nicole struggle not to get anything on them before they went skating. They were very proper, keeping napkins on their laps. They also made sure to wipe every speck off their faces.

The skating rink turned into an adventure, at least for Nicole. She had never gone skating, not even as Nicholas.

Sara did her best to help her.

"You're doing the robot," she said with a laugh.

Nicole had quite a few spills on the floor. She tried her best to keep her skirt down.

"I told you wearing dresses skating wasn't a good idea," Nicole told her friend.

"Nonsense!" Sara said. "So you're not Tara Lipinski. But we'll have you skating in no time."

"Wow, he's really good," Nicole said.

"Sam and I were skating before we could walk," Sara said. "It's one of the few things we have in common."

Suddenly, the D.J. called for a couple's dance.

Fear came across Nicole's face.

"Oh it will be fun," Sam said, reaching for Nicole's hand. He pulled her up.

"You can trust me," Sam said.

He held her close. They skated a little slowly. Sam taught Nicole how to rock and sway to the music.

The theme song to the movie Titanic came on. Nicole giggled.

"What are you laughing about," Sam said.

"Of course I trust you, Jack," she giggled.

"Spread your arms out, Rose" he told her, keeping with the Titanic theme. He held her waist.

"I'm flying!" Nicole said, half mockingly. She had to admit it was pretty fun.

"You two looked really good out there," Sara said.

"Why thank you!" Sam said. "You guys looked pretty good out there, too."

"Well, Sara looked pretty good out there," Dan said.

"We'll work on your skating, too," Sara said, giving him a punch.

Nicole couldn't remember the last time she had such a great time. All of her struggles seemed so far away,

"You guys seemed like you had a really good time," Julia said on the drive home.

"We really did, Mrs. Lewis," Nicole said.

After they dropped Dan off, Sam asked Nicole if she and her mother were going to the conference in San Francisco.

"Mom and I've talked about it," she said. "We're probably going to go. But we don't know for sure yet."

"I hope you go," Sam said. "It's always helped me."

"I'm going to be going," Sara said. "I think it would be really cool if you went."

"Well, we're here," Julia said, pulling up to Nicole's house.

"Can I walk you to the door?" Sam asked.

"I would be offended if you didn't," Nicole said. She loved being treated like a lady. She winked at Sara.

He grabbed her arm and walked her to the door.

"Nikki, would you mind if I kissed you on the cheek," Sam said.

"Last time, I was the forward one," Nicole thought.

She grinned. She blushed. She nodded.

He gave her a peck on the cheek.

Nicole noticed they had an audience. Amanda, Amber and Kayla were looking at them through the window.

"So, sweetpea, did you have a good time?" Amanda asked as Nicole walked through the front door.

"Oh mom, it was so much fun," Nicole said.

*****

"Harvard, Yale?" Amanda whispered as they were doing a yoga pose.

"Nope, to close to Boston," Nicole said.

Amanda understood. She was just proud of the grades Nicole was making, even through the struggles at school.

"You are a very smart girl," Amanda said as they were doing a pose Nicole thought was a crouching dog. "Maybe you'll be a Wellesly girl."

A women's college, now that was a novel idea Nicole thought.

"I think I want to stay around here," Nicole said.

Yoga turned out to be a very idea. It gave Amanda a really good chance to bond with Nicole.

Nicole enjoyed doing the prayer pose and something called the pidgeon.

"I think ballet has really made you flexible, sweetpea," Amanda said.

"So this is Nikki," said Leah, the yoga instructor. "I wished more mothers brought their daughters."

"It really was a good idea, mom," Nicole said.

"Nikki, I was really impressed by how well you did," Leah said. "I guess being a dancer helped?"

"It does," Nicole said. "Madame Ruth also says yoga helps ballet, too, especially with balance."

"You know, I'm glad we're doing this," Amanda said on the drive home. "There are things I do with Amber and Kayla. This gives us something we can do."

She gave Nicole a hug.

"You're in a cocoon, you know?" Amanda said. "I know you feel trapped in your body right now. But one of these days, you're going to become the butterfly I know you are."

Nicole smiled.

"Mom, thanks for accepting me for who I am," she said.

"I will always accept you for who you are, sweetpea," Amanda said. "So, are you interested in going to this conference that Andy and Gina keep telling me about?"

Nicole nodded.

"Sam says it will be fun," Nicole said. "Sara's going too, so maybe it will be cool."

Nicole also felt it would be nice to be around other people who were just like her.