Silly Challenge for Silly September Story Contest
by Jennifer Sue

I may be crazy but I’m not stupid. That’s my mantra. Then add on that my birthday is April 1st... April Fool’s Day! I have an excuse for being wacked in the head! So what does all my weirdness have to do with the September Story contest? Well, my mind went willy nilly when I read it was to be a SILLY challenge for SILLY September. I think I covered all the main points, ninjas, pirates, spiders, sailing ships, sealing wax, cabbages, kings and even though zombies have no interest for me... but not to be denied I added them my way while twisting several of the others so keep your eyes sharp and your groans ready. I sincerely hope you enjoy the results:

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It was Thursday and 11 year old Kyle was heading into the mall after emptying his cash stash. The Justice sale advertisements had kindled his nerve and resolve to finally do something about his need to express the girl repressed inside his skater boy exterior. The tween fashions in the ad circular were just too alluring and since his unwanted male puberty would soon begin the need to free Kylie was becoming increasingly overwhelming.

As usual he kept an eye peeled for his nemesis Billy Franklin and his minions. The black clad neo Goth bullies loved to harass him because he’d been tagged a sissy along with being a skater boy. Arriving at the mall he rolled his BMX bike behind the shrubbery and chained it to a gas pipe. With his ride hidden he carefully made his way toward the door, cautiously avoiding the large hornet’s in one of the tall shrubs 30 feet from the entry area. The huge nasty hornets zooming in and out of the hive ignored his non threatening movements. Just 15 feet further was a huge spider web spanning the 3 feet between another tall shrub and the building. Every time he came he checked the massive web and the multitude of spiders. Numerous moths and other insects were trapped in sticky threads. Kyle easily ducked into the 3 feet clearance beneath the thick web. Inside the main entrance was a large area set aside for the Taste of Home show that was scheduled for this evening.

On display were the baked goods local people had prepared for the judges. Each person had to submit two identical baked goods. One had been cut up and sampled by the judges. The other would be auctioned off after the nights Taste of Home Show with the proceeds going to feed the homeless. The almost sensuous aromas made Kyle’s mouth water.

The pies were his favorites. Stopping by the pie table he almost drooled as he looked at the plastic wrapped delectables. They’d already been judged the award ribbons were attached. The first place blue ribbon was on a Carob Bean pie, the second place red ribbon was on an apple pie, the third place white ribbon was on a lemon meringue pie, the fourth place yellow ribbon was on a peach pie, the fifth place green ribbon was on a perennial local favorite Pennsylvania Dutch shoefly pie, the sixth place orange ribbon was a cherry pie, the seventh place purple ribbon was a strawberry rhubarb pie, and the eighth place brown ribbon was a pecan pie. Kyle licked his lips and sighed heavily as he turned away to pursue his mission.

Sidling around the chairs filled with people watching the food prep demonstration he was once more distracted. He stopped to watch as the chef rolled the specially prepared meat loaf in cabbage leaves to create the Polish dish galumpkis, another of his favorites. A smile filled Kyle’s face as the chef slipped several galumpkis into casseroles before covering them with thick tomato paste. As the chef slipped the casseroles into the on stage oven he announced they’d be ready to be sampled in 40 minutes.

Determined to return for a sample Kyle made his way to Justice. Standing to the side of the store out of sight of the clerks Kyle removed his L.A. Kings hockey hat, folded it and stuffed it into his back pocket. Shaking his shoulder length hair free and straightening it with his fingers, he was ready to take advantage of the many times his long tresses enabled him to be mistaken for a girl. A chuckle escaped his lips as he recalled his dad’s frustrations at the multiple miss-identifications and Kyle’s reluctance to correct the mistake or to get his hair cut. Tonight his parents would finally meet their daughter!

Peering into his reflection in the storefront window Kyle smiled to recognize his hidden alter ego. Even he noted the change in posture as scrawny Kyle faded out to be replaced by the perky Kylie. Confident in her appearance, Kylie calmly entered Justice. As she moved into the perky tween fashions she knew what she wanted.

The clerks, wary at first that a lone girl might be intent on shoplifting, noted this cute girl was excited to be shopping. Kylie checked the racks and pulled items out. If they looked like something she’d be interested in she held it against herself to look in the mirrors. If it passed muster, it went into a try on collection. Soon she entered the dressing room. The clerks kept and eye out to make sure that every item came back out.

Most items went on the return to stock rack while a few went on the want rack. In the end Kylie selected 2 miniskirts, one in denim with a matching vest and the other a sassy pleated number. Several pastel V-neck T-shirts with French cut sleeves made the buy rack. Two featured cute kittens, one a unicorn, and the other simply said GIRL POWER. In addition she selected a pack of pink sheer lace topped anklets, three pink bra/panty sets and an adorable pink babydoll nighty.

At the register the clerk ringing her up commented that Kylie had good taste and would rock the outfits. Kylie’s face bloomed at the compliment. After paying for the items she requested the two shopping bags be double bagged explaining she had ridden her bike.

Kylie felt as if she was floating on air as she left the store. The last time she’d felt so exhilarated was when she’d stood on the bow of a sailboat. Her parents had taken her to Mystic Seaport in Connecticut and they’d gone a sailboat ride out into Long Island Sound. The jouncing of the boat as it cut through the salt scented water powered only by the wind was a treasured memory. A giggle escaped her smiling lips as she stood with arms outstretched, the bags danging from her hands and eyes closed as with her powerful imagination the mall concourse became a sea and she was on a ship returning from the land of Justice after sale-ing there to free Kylie.

“Damn, if it ain’t the little fag,” Billy Franklin sneered as he and his four minions surrounded Kyle. “Well sissy, why don’t you show us what you bought in the Tween girl paradise?”

Kylies eyes flew wide open as she heard the terrifying words from her bane. Spinning to face them her seagoing fantasy distorted as the black clad bullies morphed into ninjas set on assassinating the all so recently freed girl. With agility born of desperation Kylie spun, wriggled, and scrambled her way between the startled guys who’d expected Kyle to freeze. With the grace of a gazelle she bounded for the mall exit with the bullies in hot pursuit.

With the black ninja like bullies closing in as she neared the entrance she saw the line of patrons waiting to sample the galumpkis. Knowing going around the line would shorten her lead she made a rash decision. “Excuse me!” she squealed as she did a baseball slide under the table in front of the startled first person in line.

The chef was holding a casserole of galumpkis freshly removed from the oven as he stepped off the stage to place it on the table to provide the promised samples. “Erp.” he squeaked as Kylie slid past him from under the table just brushing his apron. Startled by the close call he jerked back bumped against the steps to the stage and spun forward juggling the casserole precariously clutched by bulky oven mitts.

Billy in hot pursuit attempted to follow Kylie by mimicking the baseball slide beneath the table. Unfortunately still struggling to hold onto the casserole the chef stepped directly into Billy’s path. Billy slammed into the man’s legs causing him to topple atop the suddenly stopped boy. The impact caused the casserole to fly into the air sending tomato sauce covered galumpkis in several directions. Most landed on the line of patrons creating a sticky sloppy mess in addition to severely agitating them. One galumpkis disintegrated upon splattering on the roof. The gooey sauce pasted the well cooked cabbage leaf to the ceiling like wax.

The closest pair of pursuing ninjas slipped on the scattered gooey galumpkis remnants slamming into the already upset and angry patrons who promptly corraled the ill fated duo to turn them over to mall security. The back pair were able to avoid the hostile patrons and darted around the Taste of Home presentation area to resume the chase.

Kylie heard the crash and caught a brief glimpse of the chaos as well as the now furious tomato sauce speckled Billy scrambling from beneath the distraught chef. The shortest route out was under the pie table which she promptly took. Again Billy angrily followed, but as he placed a hand on the floor to scoot under the pie table the bit of tomato sauce on his fingers caused him to slip smashing into a table leg. Disaster struck as the table tipped atop him as he struggled to follow Kylie. The Prize winning pies clobbered him, taking the carob bean pie in the face.

Hearing that crash Kylie hesitated before rushing out the doors. Looking back she saw Billy get his just desserts. She couldn’t help giggling upon seeing Billy as an ill fated pie rating of the carobbean.

When she saw the two ninjas who had avoided the galumpkis and pie debacle closing in on her she dashed outside. The two minions pulled the now gooey pastry covered Billy from piemeggadon. The irate trio rushed to follow Kylie outside. At first they didn’t see her, then they heard someone pushing their way through the shrubbery and spotted Kylie. With a roar of rage Billy charged after her with is remaining minions on his heels.

Kylie ducked under the spider web and danced by the hornets nest. As she struggled to unchain her bike she heard the shrubbery thrashing as the furious trio crashed towards her. Her heart was pounding in her chest as she feared they’d get to her before she could flee.

Then she heard Billy go “PPFFFFFTH” and yell “FUCKING SPIDER WEB!”
Looking back she saw him stumbling toward her while flailing his arms to clear the strands of spider web of his already sticky body.

“Yeach, there are spiders all over the damn place!” His minions hollered as they fought their way through the remnants of the web while dusting spiders of their bodies.

By then Kylie had the chain off, thrust the bags over the handlebars and was pushing her bike from the shrubbery. Then she heard a horrific scream that quickly escalated into three frantic screams. Looking back she saw the flailing Billy had blundered into the hornets nest. The air was filled with angrily buzzing hornets taking vengeance upon the three erstwhile ninjas. Coated in sweets from piemageddon Billy was the clearly the main target. As Kylie hopped on her bike she giggled as she realized her tormentors was caught and doomed in the zoom bee apocalypse!