Coming Home

©2016

Sydney Moya

Synopsis

A man left his home town years ago as a teenager. Now he returns but is very different from the person who left years ago.

Part 9

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Belinda
He remained silent.

"I wish I could have been happy being a man dad for all our sakes but it wasn't me, I hated all of it with every fibre of my being. I couldn't stand my own body. Do you know how horrid that feels? Waking up and feeling everything about you is a lie, disgusted by your body. Every single day of your life; during every in between moment. Knowing you should be a girl because you have all the feelings girls have. It hurts so bad,"

I was crying now, “I like guys Dad. I can't help how I feel okay."

I hate that my body used to be like theirs and I would give anything to just have been a normal girl but this is the best I can do. Maybe I should just give up and get ready to be alone for the rest of my life," I managed to say.

"Darling I'm sorry," he murmured

Dad reached for me. I lost it.

''I just wish you would look at me differently," I sobbed.

"I love you,” Dad murmured, “I worry about you but I only want the best for you. In my head you left ten years ago and came back a girl. It's hard for me too. Getting used to the idea I have two girls and what that means."

I pulled apart a bit, "It doesn't mean I am a different person,"

There was a pained look in his eyes.

"But you are. I had no idea about what you were going through. I feel like I failed you. You suffered right in front of me and ran away from home because of it. Now look at you. I don't know this person you have become and it scares me. You are this confident, successful woman and I have no idea how that person came from my baby boy,"

I saw a tear fall from his eye.

I gave him a hug.

"I wanted to tell you."

He nodded.

We sat down on the couch.

I started talking about the time when I was five and found out that I was going to be a man when I grew up. I told him how even at that age it didn't add up.

"As a kid you always knew you were a boy right?"

He nodded.

"I just knew I was a girl too even though everybody said I was a boy. It was confusing and no one seemed to feel the way I did. When Mom explained to me about girls and boys around the time Mags was born she said I would grow up to be a big strong man something inside said no that isn't right. I should be a Mommy.

As a child I was happy enough. You know I loved playing with Mags and Matt and Lucy the (neighbouring kids). Everything was simple enough. I could forget how I felt most of the time even though I'd pray that I would be a girl the next morning. I knew better than to tell anyone but Mags as she was too young to care. Kids my age were already picking on each other for the smallest things. Being a boy wanting to be a girl was never going to be acceptable. I dressed up in Mom’s clothes every once in a while. I think she thought Mags was doing it but she never caught me.

"Oh she knew but we ignored it. We figured you would grow out of it. I remember doing it with your aunt when I was 5." Dad replied.

My eyes went round, "Really,"

I was a bit surprised he used to dress up as a kid.

Dad nodded, “It’s just one of those things,” he shrugged.

I shook my head, it wasn't so clear cut to me back then. I didn't get why I was a girl who had to be a boy.

“It made me feel better. I stopped as I got older because I realized it wasn’t acceptable. The feelings of being a girl only became worse as I entered puberty. I wanted to tell someone so bad but I feared how people would take it. So I just kept inside, trying and wishing I would come to like being a boy. That didn’t work because I became more depressed the more time passed without my feelings being sorted out. When I couldn’t handle it I decided dying had to better than this. After that man missed me I knew I could never end my life, so I began planning how I was going to change,”

Tom

When Belinda first showed up I was stunned beyond words, imagine a beautiful young woman with a baby claiming to be your long lost son. A son you haven’t seen for 10 years I might add. On top of that she had a baby.

After the initial shock wore off she told us why she’d left.

I couldn’t believe it and I was very hurt, what had I done wrong that my son didn’t want to be a man? Had someone abused him?

Belinda explained about her depression and her suicidal feelings and I had to admit I would rather have her like this rather than six feet under. Since I didn’t want her to leave I did my best not to show how upset I was.

I couldn't fathom being a woman or wanting to be a woman. If you were born one then fine but getting cut up on purpose so you could be one when you were a man just didn't sit well with me. How does one live with that? It was beyond the pale.

My heart broke when Des said he had never felt like a man and nearly committed suicide. No doubt I was upset, I couldn’t shake the feeling that my son had ruined his life. What kind of a life had he chosen?

Then he had explained that he was for all intents and purposes a woman and would never change back. He told us he liked men. How his own maleness had sickened him, the discomfort he felt.

Well you could have knocked me over with a feather. This was too much but I held my tongue in the hope we could find out more about our kid. The last thing I wanted was to drive away my child. Ten years had been far too long.

Carmen shared my worries at first for a few weeks afterwards. She would tell me that it was so hard to reconcile Des with Belinda. Her baby boy was now a grown woman and a mother too.

Despite this we were both pleased to know our child was alive and relatively well and we resolved to let her stay as long as she wanted. After all she was our child, and Bonnie was our granddaughter.

I watched my wife and daughters bond, Carmen and Megan spent every free second with Belinda. I saw the cloud that had hung over my wife since we’d lost touch with Des disappear.

Every night Carmen would regale me with stories about our eldest 's life. That’s how I learnt she had two homes, a master’s degree and a sizeable bank account. I also discovered she’d had a heart broken by some man which made the hairs on my neck bristle.

Apparently they had lived together for two years before he broke up with her upon finding out she was born male. I hated the guy on principle but was thankful he hadn't harmed her physically.

"They were living together?" I asked my voice strained.

I wasn't sure I liked the implications of that.

Carmen nodded, "Yes for two years," she explained.

Carmen looked into my eyes, "I know what you're thinking Tom. Bel is a woman hon. I had my doubts but I've been watching her. I can't explain it but I don't doubt her anymore. She is a girl."

I said nothing, didn't voice my doubts to her. She had clearly accepted Bel as her daughter and was happy.

I couldn't say the same for myself but who was I to throw mud in her milk.

I didn't know what to make of Bel dating men but I worried it would endanger her when they inevitably found out.

The odd bit was Bel was beautiful. You wouldn't mind if your son brought along a girl that looked like she did home. For me it was strange. My son had become that girl. Nothing about her seemed contrived though. She definitely favoured my mother and sister and acted just like a woman. Her voice and mannerisms were perfect. She never appeared with a hair out of place. There was no sign she hadn't always been that way. I think she could have been a model.

Gone was the shy teenage boy who hardly smiled. He had been replaced by a confident lady. It was jarring to say the least. I wasn't sure I could get used to it.

Still some things hadn't changed, Mags still worshipped her sibling, it was like they had never been separated and she didn't mind that her brother was now a girl too. I could see the affection they shared and it warmed my heart.

Bel hadn't lost some of her old traits. She still rubbed her forehead when deep in thought and was a stickler for cleanliness and setting things in their proper place. She still had excellent manners as well to my delight. It was nice to see she hadn't changed completely. I mean she could have been a druggie with tattoo's everywhere so one has to be thankful for small mercies. She was too strong to look for answers in substance abuse.

Then there was Bonnie. I loved her from the moment I picked her up. She was so precious, her smile could melt the coldest heart. I don't care how Bel conceived her. She was the child of my child and I didn't want her ever to leave or grow up. I couldn't help but see how Belinda was devoted to her. I realized my kid had grown-up which made me loathe to tell how her to run her life. It did look like she had done pretty okay without our help which hurt a little. She could just as easily have stayed in California but she wanted her child to meet us. I respected that and would always be grateful.

I worry about my kids all the time. After Tim's behaviour the other day I was even more worried about what people would make of Bel. So far there hadn't been any thing. Whenever Ben called he would politely ask about the family but he never said anything about Bel in particular which suited me just fine. I was not up to her story yet. Our neighbours were also in the dark but I worried it was only a matter of time till people found out and began talking and who knows what else.

Ben told me no one would harm her but I still worried. I stayed up and waited whenever either of the girls went out.

Now Bel was dating a man she'd met at a night club with Megan which made me worry.

I sat there waiting for her, my mind filling with horrid images of what might have happened to her.

When she walked into the house my heart beat a little less faster.

Bel was hearing some sort of mini dress and high heels. She looked stunning which left me a bit proud and worried at the same. I knew she was going to break someone's heart soon enough but I only cared what would happen to her once that happened. The men I know are generally simple people and most of them would have a hard time comprehending her story. I don't want people lashing out at my child.

She smiled, that grin had been the same from the she was a babe in arms.

It always melted my heart, I did my best not to smile. It would hardly do, I don't approve of this Javier fella for her sake.

"Hey Dad," she said.

"Hello, did you have fun?"

She nodded, "Yes we went to Mario's. It was quite nice,"

Nice in what way I thought.

I nodded.

I had to know if she was serious about this boy, "You like this guy don't you?"

Bel nodded wearing another look from years gone by. I remembered seeing the same look when I caught her with some candy I had forbidden her from eating when she was eight.

There was no hiding how she felt about this Javier. Dammit couldn’t she see this wasn’t California? If her own uncle could spit on her what would a random man do when he found out her past?

I stared at her before sighing. "Do you have to like men? Don't you think that's wrong given you used to be one?"

I regretted it the instant the words left my mouth. I had only wanted to warn her not to hurt her which was clearly what I had done. Her face fell. Gone was the cheerful girl thanks to me. I prayed she wouldn’t leave again because of my stupid mouth.

Darn why had I said that?

I saw a tear roll down her cheek.

"Dad I can't help how I feel," she said softly, "I'm sorry I couldn't be the son you deserved."

My heart broke as I listened, her voice was shaky, she was clearly fighting back tears.

"I didn't mean it like that," I muttered

"Then how do you mean it?" Bel asked.

That was a damn good question.

Belinda

“What happened in California?”

I sat there dumbfounded.

I had no idea how to even answer my father’s question. How had the last ten years gone? I would have to write a book to even begin to explain to anyone.

I had made a lot of mistakes, had so many regrets especially regarding my folks.

Still I had been fortunate.

"I can't even begin to tell you," I told him, running my fingers through my hair.

Dad gave a wan smile.

"Just try," he murmured.

I nodded and proceeded to tell him a potted version of what I had been doing since the day I left home.

I told him about starting my transition, finding a job that paid enough to support said transition.

How hard it was till I met Callie and she led me to Barry and Mark. How scary living as a woman was after 18 years of being a guy.

I told him how exciting it was to see the changes brought by the hormones and the pleasure I felt when I looked in the mirror and saw my body becoming how I had always felt it should be, a feeling dampened by the belief that it wasn't happening fast enough.

To his credit he didn’t seem discomfited by my words.

I told him how people sometimes took second glances at you as they tried to figure you out which made you want to redouble your efforts so you could pass 100%

How much I missed home but had no idea how I would even tell them what I was going through. How easy it was to just stay out of touch.

Dad sat there and listened.

I told him about my first date and how excited I had been and how that ended in tears when I shared my history.

I could see the pain in his eyes as I told him how I had been beaten for being trans.

I told him about my work with Barry and Mark, how challenging I found it. Learning to code was amazing and it was nice to build something.

I told him how I had decided to take online undergrad classes to better my options.
 
Tom

Belinda opened her heart to me that evening. I listened as she narrated her life story. I found all of it interesting and some of it painful especially when she told me about her first date and how it ended.

I wanted to throttle that s.o.b so bad but it got worse when she told me about Ross Burns. She had made a fortune with her bosses and had all the surgeries that had left her happy with her body for the first time in her life.

"I can't explain it Dad. I felt whole like a person for the first time. I was so happy. I wasn't disgusted by how I looked anymore," Belinda said with a sigh.

Hearing about her surgery made me squeamish. I couldn't imagine willingly going under the knife in my groin or my face.

Still I couldn't miss the satisfaction on her face as she explained the joy she felt at having the 'correct' body.

I found myself feeling happy too. How couldn't I be? My child had been carrying a burden that had driven her to her to try and take her life. She had finally overcome that and was overjoyed. I couldn’t help sharing her joy even though a part of me mourned all the things she would never know about manhood, fatherhood and being a husband. I knew it wasn’t fair because I didn’t regret that with Megan but I still felt an acute loss because Bel had been my son and realized that son was gone and my heart ached at his loss.

I would never tell her that though.

"I wanted so bad to get in touch but I convinced myself you would hate me for what I had done. So I stayed in Cali and carried on with life."

"We would have been mad but we'd never hate you," I replied.

Nothing could make me love my children less, nothing.

Bel sighed, "I know that know thanks to Bonnie. I can't imagine hating her," she remarked.

I smiled.

She explained how having achieved her dream everything else soon fell into place. She bought a house and met someone.

A man much to my chagrin but looking at her it made sense. Bel wasn't a man and she assured me she'd had never liked girls romantically. If I accepted her as my daughter I had to know she would like men like Megan.

"I fell in love. Ross was my everything. He made me laugh. He was sweet and sensitive yet strong. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. We moved in together and it was wonderful. He made me a woman," said Bel blushing slightly.

Listening to her I realised that I now knew deep down Bel should have been born a girl.

She sounded just like her sister after she met Jack.I can't think of a man who would feel that way about a man. I didn't know any gay men but the vibe she gave out said woman.

"There was a cloud on our relationship from the get go though. He introduced me to his family but I couldn't do the same. I always told him I didn't want to talk about you guys and I think he inferred that you had done something bad to me."

That hurt a lot.

"Was that the time you stopped calling?"

We had lost touch with Des after that. Bel told me she had changed numbers after moving in with Ross so we wouldn't accidentally call him.

She still wrote from a post office box address. She had told us she worked out of network range. Camille had been sick with worry. Megan had lived for those post cards. I wondered what I'd done wrong to drive my kid away every day.

She looked at me apologetically.

"I'm sorry Dad."

There were tears in her eyes.

"I was so stupid," she murmured.

I squeezed her hand.

"None of that now honey bunch," I reassured her.

I was just glad to have her home.

She described her relationship with him.

"I thought he was the one. I fell deeper for him every day and I so wanted to tell him my secret. Everyone who knew said to tell him but I have never been great at sharing my secrets.”

She sighed, sounding like her mother.

“I badly wanted to but I wasn’t prepared to find out his reaction. Things went well for two years and we were happy. One day Ross made dinner and as were eating I found an engagement ring in the dessert. He wanted to marry me,”

“I knew I had to tell him then. So I did. He stood up and left, came home hours later drunk. He wouldn’t talk to me for a week. When he did talk he said he was willing to give it a whirl. I did my best to show him how much I cared but it wasn’t enough because a few weeks later he left me. He said I wasn’t a woman to him anymore,” Bel said fighting back tears.

I reached for her and embraced and she cried onto my shoulder.

“Shh,” I murmured, stroking her hair, “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. He was a fool,” I told her.

“Is that why you don’t want me to date guys? I don’t want to die alone Dad,” Belinda said still sobbing.

My heart broke as I held my beautiful girl. Life was so unfair.

“I want what you and Mom have,” she murmured.

To be continued