I decided to do my last bit of research in the mecca of modern civilization, or at least thats how it was described to me, The Mall. Overall, I was not impressed. The building seemed slightly run down and a tad dirty. There were several shops boarded up and one wall with big uneven letters in bright paint saying “Screw Amazon.” I stared at it for a moment and once again wondered where this wondrous Amazon might be, as it might give me a better idea of the current conditions here.

I noticed two men in beige jump suits with dark glasses on, and hurried on my way. There was something in the briefing about Men in Beige, but I couldn’t recall the details. Suddenly my attention was drawn to a loud bang across the aisle.

Running down the hall at top speed, a scrawny looking old man in a tattered bath robe screamed in fear. He had a long white beard that was streaming behind him like a tail, and the bottoms of the robe were on fire. Behind him was a slightly chubby red head who was chasing him waving a stick and screaming profanities at the top of her lungs.

“Dammit Molly! I said I’ll get you an antidote!” The old man screamed, while scrambling madly out of the way of a beam of light that burst from her stick. “Too late for that old man! We haven’t seen Harriet in weeks and poor Ronni went and got herself knocked up by a Malfoy! A MALFOY!” The lady shrieked, another burst of light flying wildly from her stick and blasting a window a few feet to the left of where the old man was running.

Another burst of light from the woman’s stick crashed into a manikin dressed as a pirate in front of a goth store called Death Eaters. The manikin shivered then jumped off its stand and began running around chasing people.

Two loud cracks, and a pair of men in black robes with sticks appeared apparently out of nowhere. “Stop right there Molly!” One said, while the other gleefully shouted “We’ve got you now Wizard!”

“Dammit Molly, now you got the MUGGLEs after us! (Magic Users for Greater Good and Law Enforcement Agency) Why couldn’t you just let the kids enjoy themselves?”

One of the black robes waved a wand and a giant man sized spider poofed into existence in front of the wizard rushing forward to try and pounce on him.

“This is Ridiculus!” The wizard said and flicked a hand suddenly the spider had roller skates on and awkwardly slid by missing the wizard by several feet. The spider began to make chittering noises as it tried and failed to stop its movement, crashing into the animated pirate manikin.

“Ha ha,” The wizard shouted gleefully. “That was a good one!”

“Stop right there wizard or else!” One of the black robes repeated loudly. “You are busted!”

Another gleeful giggle escaped the wizard as he gestured wildly at the speaker. “No, You Are!” he cackled.

The black robe let out a shriek that quickly went up a couple of octaves as his robes began to shrink and his chest began to push out in obvious proportions. He dropped his stick and grabbed his rapidly growing breasts as if he could somehow push them back in. Almost instantly his shrieks of panic turned into whimpers of pleasure as she began fondling herself, forgetting all about the chase as her body spiraled quickly into bimbo proportions. Her partner stopped chasing to “help” her, staring lustily at her newfound assets, while wondering if maybe they could keep her this way.

Across the way, a certain jonin watched the scene in rapidly growing dismay. That old man was going to sell him a collector’s edition of “Make Out Paradise Seven”! Rapidly thinking through his options, the jonin quickly came up with a plan. “Team, we have a new mission!” He shouted. “McBroody, Fangirl…Slow down that old shrew with the stick. Knucklehead, get that old man to stop running!” He used their team code names so no one would know who to blame for the upcoming chaos. That book was SO going to be his.

The one nicknamed Knucklehead made a flying leap and landed right in front of the old man. “My name is…” Thats all he got out before the fleeing wizard shoved past him knocking him down. The wizard was giggling louder and louder at all the mayhem he was causing. This was the best fun he had in ages. “No one cares what your name is moron!” He shouted between giggles.

Suddenly behind him he heard the boy call out…”SEXY JUTSU!”

The wizard looked back, and what he saw stopped him in his tracks. In the boy’s place was a super hot (presumably naked) teenage girl with tendrils of smoke strategically placed to hide certain classified bits. “Please old man, can you spare me a minute.”

With another giggle the wizard made another gesture and light enveloped the “girl”. He just couldn’t help himself. He just wished he could be there when the lass realized she was stuck like that permanently.

Meanwhile a few stores down, the two other ninjas jumped in front of the wailing red head trying to slow her down.

“Get out of my way you two!” She shouted then blasted the male with a flash of purple light from her stick.

Suddenly the man-boy stopped and turned to his partner. “You are SOOOO Pretty. Marry me and have my babies?” The girl stared at him longingly for a second before becoming overwhelmed with emotion and passing out in the middle of the floor.

The redhead ran past them without even barely slowing down. With an extra burst of speed she tackled the wizard who had slowed down to admire his handiwork. She raised her wand, an evil green light glowing at the tip as she prepared to blast the wizard into the next life.

Before she could act, there was a loud poof and a puff of smoke and a head of cabbage fell to the floor where the wizard had lain. “NO! She shrieked angrily knowing he had evaded her again. I’ll get you one of these days wizard and when I do, you will be sorry.”

Around the corner in an out of the way location, the wizard looked at his savior with a smirk of gratitude. “I owe you one.” He said to the one eyed jonin who had just transported him out of danger. “Now about that book…”

I held back a shiver as I tried to understand what had just happened. In order to get my thoughts back in order I began watching as the chaos subsided and most people began acting normal again. After that whole spectacle of impossibilities, everyone seemed to be going as if nothing had happened.

Across the way, a man in a bright orange tee shirt that read “Duncan’s donut and coffee shop” was arguing with the owner of a health store. “You can’t have an energy drink called the Quickening because I already have a super highly concentrated coffee of that name. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!” The other man shouted back just as loudly, “I am Conn R MacCloud, of The Clan MacCloud Healthy Living Emporium…The Quickening is MINE!”

I tuned that conversation out as meaningless and shifted my focus to another group of people talking.

“Please Mr. Clampett, if you invest in our shop you will make a lot of money.”

“Please ma’am, Call me Jed. I hate when people call me Mr Clampett.” The man replied. “I don’t think I want to join the Dark Side franchise at this time though. There is another goth store down the hall called “Death Eaters”. I don’t think you will compete.” He said. “You don’t understand the power of the Dark Side,” the woman replied fervently.

Their conversation went on, but again I tuned it out as I scanned the mall for other activity.

I looked back to where the two black robes were, and watched as the one still in robes was being groped by the bimbofied one. “Come on baby, lets go give this new body a test drive.” She moaned excitedly as she rubbed up against him with no modesty.

I looked around some more and noticed that there were several people who had witnessed the altercation and were looking around nervously. In the background I could hear a sobbing girl shouting “Release Dammit! Release” over and over again.

I continued to scan the area until my gaze fell on the two men in beige jump suits. The realization that they were staring at me and not the carnage around us sent a shiver down my spine. Suddenly it was imperative that I get out of here and make my report.

With that thought, I quickly picked up my stuff and practically fled for the nearest exit, hoping no one was following me. The Fingerian High Command needed to know what I had just witnessed ASAP.

———

A few stores down, the two men in Beige looked on in glee as the Fingerian agent fled the scene.

“You see how that worked out Agent Okay. Operation Kobayashi Maru was a complete success!”

“Kobayashi Maru?” Okay asked in confusion?

“Jeez don’t they teach you old guys anything? Kobayashi Maru was the unwinnable test they used to train officers in Star Trek…the only way to win was to cheat.” Agent Ojay explained impatiently.

“So since we knew there was no way we could beat the Fingerian invaders in combat, we arranged for them to see our ‘Hidden Technology’ in the form of a perverted wizard and an angry witch! And the best part, since the magic folk did all the damage we don’t even have to worry about paperwork.”

“Alright, alright” Agent Okay said in exasperation, “this idea of yours worked out pretty good. Now lets go neurolize these folks and get back to base.”

A few minutes later, as a crowd of onlookers gathered around the older of the two MIB agents flashed a bright red light in their eyes. “Okay folks, heres what happened. A solar flare ignited gas in the swamp down the road and the fumes caused hallucinations and…” Agent Ojay tuned out the rest of the speech, inwardly fussing. “Jeez again with the swamp gas!”

———

Later that day I beamed in my report, flagged Top Priority.

Subject: Operation Subjagation

Re: Immediate suspension of all hostilities.

High Command, apparently the initial investigations into Earth’s technological and defensive capabilities have been woefully inadequate. Enclosed is a recording of several technologies not detected during initial studies. From what I can see, the earthlings have technology capable of causing immediate genetic mutations, hallucinations and instantaneous mind control. From everything I have seen it appears they have been concealing their true capabilities, possibly to lure us into a trap! I am proceeding to emergency extraction point Delta for immediate withdrawal before they detect me.

Agent Severus