Thursday 16th July

I went through a complete roller-coaster of emotions last night and couldn't have written anything. It's seven in the morning and I'm trying to catch up.

So, this lady turns up last night, knows my name and I didn't recognise her. Sophie's stood behind her looking smug and Suzie's completely in the dark.

"Don't you recognise me?" Was the bleedin' obvious question, but I didn't, not at first. Then she tells me she's Danielle Jones, Chris Jones' mum.

Of course I need to know what's going on but Sophie cautions me that under normal circumstances I wouldn't even have met up with someone in Danielle's situation. She's under witness protection and doesn't use that name any more, but I can't know her new name. I can't tell her my alias either, so that's fair.

Seems she was getting bored in a safe house while her new life story is created and wanted to see me. She said I could help her with closure, as Chris felt he was closer to me than most of the sixth form. There was also the small issue of security, I was probably the only one from her son's life she could meet.

In his last days, following the attack on him, Chris had spoken about me and asked if I could go to the hospital. Sophie had been responsible for his guard and had expressly forbidden me from going there, but my name had obviously come up and Sophie had been forced to admit she knew me.

I'd been told that Chris died on the operating table but I had hoped, irrationally, that he had been spirited away and was still alive somewhere. Danielle was still finding it difficult to even say his name, even worse when it was one of her family who had effectively murdered Chris.

I said I'd have liked to have gone to the funeral, but this was done privately. What she does have, is Chris' ashes and asks if I would like to help her. Naturally I would do anything for her under the circumstances.

I had wondered how she recognised me, it turns out she was in the audience for West Side Story and Chris had been with her.

**

So, on Thursday morning we went to Perranporth on the North Cornish coast and hired a boat. Suzie stayed with Heather so Sophie drove me, Danielle and the urn.

We decided it was better to hire a boat from one of the locals, the idea was that we could scatter the ashes in the waters of the North Atlantic. I'd done some research before we left the cottage and it's perfectly legal in tidal waters off the UK coast, and I guess the Atlantic qualifies as tidal!

Sophie paid for the boat, it was one with an enclosed wheelhouse and open deck astern. This gives us a little privacy but I suspect the boat's main business is fishing. Thankfully it doesn't smell of fish and bait.

We go about half a mile off the shore and Danielle gets really tearful as she knows it's time to say goodbye for the last time. I'm no good either but I try not to lose it. She asked that we lifted the urn together, and then we both made a silent prayer before allowing the ashes to spill off the stern.

"He was like you." She whispered to me. I'd suspected that when I found out Chris had been seeing Jill, but everyone had denied it. Was that done to protect me? I just nodded back at her, it's hard enough on Danielle without adding this into the equation.

We walked along the cliff path for a bit when we got back, but it was difficult to get Danielle to tell me anything, especially with Sophie nearby. We were back at the cottage around three, after stopping at a café for lunch.

I had an email from Dad, Julie has resigned as cook even though there was no evidence she'd conspired like her sister. He's now interviewing for a housekeeper, Hilary is helping with security clearance for any suitable candidates, in the meantime we're borrowing Mary who normally works for Elsie.

Helen sent me an email from the Queen Elizabeth which was mid Atlantic. I don't think she realises she's classed as a companion to Elsie but she's enjoying onboard life and even acknowledges that the Open University course was a good idea. The course she was taking was BA (Honours) English Literature and Creative Writing, I hope she does well.

Jeri let me know that she and Tanya have settled down. The last of the boys has now left the school so they're planning for the new intake. The girls dorms are finished and contractors are starting work on refurbishing the boys dorms, installing new showers. She said there's a security door into the girls dorms to stop any of the boys sneaking in, the reverse isn't true yet. She's started her intensive driving course and it looks like Tanya might do likewise, especially as her first payslip is due soon.

Friday 17th July

Sophie took Danielle back, I guess, to London. I'm unlikely to ever see her again and I'm probably the last person from Chris' life she'll meet. I know she's been debriefed about her Russian family whilst our spooks try to round up any more sleeper cells. She divorced her MEP husband after evidence of infidelity came out of his expenses investigation so those ties have also been cut.

I'm really grateful that she allowed me to participate in that last act of her son's life. I just wish it hadn't come to that.

Suzie and I sat in the office most of today working through the information about Martin Gore that was trickling in.

Suzie's suggested that this could be a long investigation as we want to round up his co-conspirators. That might mean I come into contact with him in the Autumn, something I'm not keen on.

I wondered if this guy, who was born Natalia Petrovska Sukovich, was transgendered or whether there was some subterfuge going on? It was difficult to know. Of course, there could have been misidentification at birth, but seriously?

Heather and Jo went off shopping, probably looking at wedding dresses. I really don't know what Sophie would wear, her dress uniform? Does she have one? I've only see her in a skirt once, the rest of the time it's trousers, not leggings or jeggings. She runs in shorts and we managed a run today before breakfast, just the two of us.

She was helping me with observation while we were out, noting people and cars. It wasn't harsh like the exercises we did in London but it made a difference to how aware I am of what's around me.

Suzie received a call from Jenny and has to go back over the weekend as Jenny needs her. She's no longer deliberately training me, just guiding me through unfamiliar documents while we work the case between us. We can do that remotely so it won't be too bad. One of the questions we had to consider was whether to intercept his calls and internet. You have to have justification that would stand up in front of a judge so, no, we didn't go through with it.

Monday 20th July

Jo has the day off so I went with Heather to Derriford Hospital in Plymouth for her check up. I think I understand more about the journey now, the one that started that last day I pretended to be Tom and which won't be complete for a while. Heather's ahead of me but hasn't said anything about who she was before. I have very little to go on and I suppose that's best for her security.

She had an appointment with a shrink which I thought was strange seeing as the surgery's complete, but she surprised me further by saying it was my appointment.

The shrink was from the Royal Navy and he seemed to know plenty about me, was he the one who Prof Roberts mentioned when I saw him in April? I went through my story again, starting with those Saturdays in Sarah's shop last Spring. This felt different to those times I was with Jill, I wasn't seeking permission from him as apart from authority for GRS I had everything in place. I should have been wild at Heather as well but went along with it.

So we talked for about twenty minutes or half an hour and he's making notes throughout. Then, just when I sense we're done he asks me if I want the surgery? I'm not fantastic about the pain and the recovery time, but yeah, I want it.

He gets Professor Roberts on the phone and they discuss me, I was a bit uncomfortable listening to my feelings and emotions being aired in front of me, even if one of the them was five hundred miles away.

I naturally think we're aiming for a date in December at Glasgow Royal Infirmary then the doctor, Dr Fleming, finishes his call and asks if I would like the surgery here. I said it's a bit far to come after Christmas, so he absolutely floors me and says we can do it on Thursday, three days from now! If I want to think about it, then that's fine but they need confirmation today. They would also do my premed today and I have to stop my tablets straight away, I'm expected back at the hospital at six on Wednesday night.

This is happening fast, too fast. I find Heather and we head for the restaurant. My phone is already in my hand as I call Dad. He's shocked, but not half as shocked as mum, Joan. I'll speak to Angela later, I'm not sure if I can handle her right now.

Mum and Dad have reservations but it's my shout.

I got through the negatives, the ones about having the surgery so soon and the ones about having it at all. The positives are a given, but I wouldn't do it so I can have sex, it's about feeling whole. I went through all this with Dr Fleming but I want to explore it again under my terms.

Yes, I'll do it. We go back to Dr Fleming's room but he's busy so I leave a note with the receptionist, just one word.

I'm all over the place, like being drunk without having had a drop.

Heather's examination went well and she's not due back for three months. We didn't discuss my after care but I'll be with Heather, I know I ought to discuss it but I'm just too happy to worry about that right now. She wouldn't have set me up with the appointment if she wasn't prepared to help me afterwards.

Back at the cottage Heather asks Jo to come across, I didn't realise she only lives across the road. So Heather explains what was decided and Jo stands there with her hands on her hips and says "not you as well?" We have a good laugh and do a toast to the future, with orange juice!

Angela calls me, she's so happy for me but I did detect some jealousy, not in a bad way. Her time will come, in good time. I let Lori know and get an email straight back, she's calling me a lucky bitch! I probably am!

I send Jeri the news, but I don't hear back from her.

Wednesday 22th July

Yesterday was all about shopping, new undies, some modest nighties, that sort of thing. I bought a pay-as-you-go phone as well so I could leave my super encrypted phone at the cottage, I took transferred the SIM card over so I don't need to give anyone a new number.

The hospital rang in the morning and confirmed they're expecting Beccy to turn up, given that it's a military appointment, not a civilian one, I guess I'm not the first to have surgery under an alias. Dr Fleming's clearance means that he had to know both names.

Jeri got back to me, she takes her driving test tomorrow, she aced her theory yesterday. Tanya obviously heard the news and says she's over the moon for me, she doesn't tell me about her driving lessons, guess it's meant to be a surprise.

I've had Mum on the phone every few hours, she wants to come down but no-one will tell her the address. I really don't want her here, she couldn't do more than hold my hand. Jo's an SRN and experienced at after care for GRS patients. Then mum's worried I can't fly in four weeks, for the dress fitting. I'll be fine, I say.

Dad's pretty calm still, my bet is that he's researched everything. I found out my surgeon is Mr Hamilton, one of the country's best. Apparently I got a cancellation as he was due in Plymouth to do a few operations and someone failed their premed.

Heather drives me there and we arrive a little early. I'm booked in and shown to my room, Heather takes custody of my valuables and shortly after seven leaves the hospital.

I'm now on my own, ahead of me could be the most memorable day of my life?