Sydney Moya

© 2016

Synopsis

A man left his home town years ago as a teenager. Now he returns but is very different from the person who left years ago.

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Part 6-Fallout

"What?"

Uncle Ben looked at a loss for words which was quite novel.

"Is this some sort of joke?" He said looking at us all.

Everyone shook their heads.

"It's not a joke," Dad remarked.

"This is who I am now," Belinda said.

Uncle Ben shook his head before walking towards her. He offered her his hand. Bel looked him in the eye and took the proffered hand. They shook hands.

"Well welcome home I suppose," he declared.

"Thanks," murmured my sister.

"I could use a drink," he said to his brother.

Dad shepherded him to the minibar and poured him a stiff one.

"That went well," I said to no one in particular.

"Who is the little tyke?" Uncle Ben queried, gesturing at Bonnie.

"That's Bonnie. She's her daughter," Mum responded.

"Oh, that's nice," he said a smile plastering his face for the first time since we'd broken the news.

"So you're like that, what's his name. I forget the name. He was in the news for a while,"

Bel shook her head.

"I'm not like anyone. I'm just myself, a woman," she remarked.

Uncle Ben shook his head, "Well whatever floats your boat," he said, "I am glad you're home."

More people streamed into the gathering. Aunt Sandy and Uncle Tim were next. Aunt Sandy was my dad's little sister. She was two years younger than him.

"Hi, happy birthday," she said giving Dad a hug.

"Thanks," said Dad happily.

"Carmen," said my aunt to my mother before pecking her cheek.

"Sandy. I'm so glad you came out,"

Sandy lived 150 miles away which made for infrequent family gatherings

"I wouldn't miss Tom's birthday for anything,"

"You missed the first two," Uncle Ben remarked leading to assorted chuckles.

Sandy went over to her eldest brother and gave him a big hug too but not before punching his shoulder for the wisecrack.

She spotted Jack and me across the room. We went over to greet to her.

"Hi Aunt Sandy," I said with a smile.

We embraced.

"You look more beautiful with each passing day,"she said kissing me on the cheek.

I blushed.

"Hello young man," she said to Jack.

"Ma'am," said Jack politely.

Uncle Tim just glared at us. When I started going out with Jack I realised what a racist he was. He'd always been a bit of an embarrassment with some of his archaic views but I'd never taken him seriously until he'd asked what the hell I was doing dating a nigger.

If I'd had my way he wouldn't have set foot here again but Sandy and Dad were close and he was family.

Jack looked at him, right in the eye and he looked away. Bel came into the room at that moment from the kitchen where she'd been getting a bottle for Bonnie.

It just so happened that everyone looked at my sister and her baby.

Bel looked up and caught everyone staring at her. She looked at Aunt Sandy who looked like she'd seen a ghost.

I remembered Mom mentioning the uncanny resemblance.

"Hi," said Bel, a small smile on her face.

"Hello dear and who might you be?" Uncle Tim.

Bel gave a nervous smile. I wondered how hard this was for her.

I walked to her and placed my arm around her.

“This is Belinda my sister and her daughter Bonnie. You used to know her as Desmond,” I announced.

Aunt Sandy squinted and Uncle Tim looked at us like we’d grown two heads.

“What the heck?” Uncle Tim said his voice loud and unpleasant.

“You’re Desmond, that’s not possible,” Sandy said.

Her kids arrived at that moment. Sandy had two sons and a daughter. Earl who was 25, Mason 23 and Rhiannon who was 20.

“Are you pulling my leg, that’s no way that’s Desmond,” Aunt Sandy said.

Earl, Mason and Rhiannon immediately looked at us.

“She’s telling the truth,” said Bel softly, “I’m Des.”

Rhiannon’s eyes literally bulged out of their sockets while her mouth simultaneously made a perfect o.

You could have heard a pin drop.

Dad spoke up, “Belinda is my daughter. This is her home. I won’t have anyone treating her rudely or trying to hurt her,” he declared.

Uncle Tim looked at him his face reddening.

“You’re actually going to defend this faggot?” he remarked, his tone contemptuous.

Uncle Ben stood up, “Watch your language Tim, that’s no way to talk in mixed company and that’s my niece you’re insulting,” he thundered.

“Fuck that, I’m not going to listen to you defend this shit,” Uncle Tim remarked.

He turned his ire on Bel, “How dare you show up here but I’m not surprised. You people has no dignity, dating a nigger and now a faggot to boot, dammit!” He sneered looking at my sister and I and Jack.

He spat at our feet. I felt myself tremble; it started at my core and worked itself outward. It was pure, undiluted anger. I tried to swallow the hard knot of rage that was lodged in my throat hoping to make it subside but I didn't have enough self-control. I let go of Bel and I moved towards him, furious. No one was going to insult the people I loved like that.

I had half a mind to slap him and who knew what else but Uncle Ben beat me to the punch. He just lost it; he stood up lightning quick and socked Uncle Tim on the jaw.

Uncle Tim was knocked out cold.

My aunt, Rhiannon and Ma screamed while Mason and Earl jumped on Uncle Ben’s back but he shook them off and Dad rushed in to pull them off before anyone else got hurt. The commotion caused Bonnie to start crying and Bel rushed upstairs with her.

Needless to say this wasn't how we'd imagined the party going. Earl and Mason picked up their father and left in high dudgeon, promising to make us pay.

They were as good their word because less than 15 minutes later a patrol car arrived and Uncle Ben was arrested. Mom and Dad soon left to post bail.

Sandy followed them out a short while later clearly torn between her siblings and her boorish husband and brainless boys.

Jack and I held the fort and I was left to entertain the guests who streamed in minutes later and milled around drinking the beer while waiting for my father. Rhiannon stayed downstairs with Jack and I as we valiantly tried to keep it going.

My parents managed to post the bond and get Uncle Ben out. They returned home with him and we managed to salvage the party but Bel stayed upstairs with her baby leaving me with my boyfriend and cousin.

It took a while but my cousin finally approached me. With all the ruckus I hadn't had a chance to say hi and catch up.

"Hi," said Rhiannon, looking a bit wary.

I was still in a no nonsense mood and it must have probably showed on the expression I wore.

My cousin put her hands up slightly in a gesture of non-confrontation.

"Hey cuz," I remarked, smiling slightly.

I realised that she wasn't her dad.

"Dad was way outta line," she said.

I nodded.

"Des is upstairs?"

I nodded, "Yeah but please call her Belinda from now on,"

She nodded.

“Can I talk to her?”

“I don’t know, let me go check,” I answered, not sure if Bel wanted to see anyone.

My sister wasn't in her room when I checked. There was a note on her bed.

"Mags. I need some air. I've taken Bonnie for a walk."

Belinda

I couldn’t believe what I’d heard, had I been in my stealth bubble so long that I’d forgotten what it’s like to be looked at like a vile, disgusting lump of flesh?

‘Why had I come back?’ I wondered after Dad’s party degenerated to violence and insults. I should have avoided the party, I mean after Mags told me that he didn’t approve of Jack, I ought to have guessed what would happen next.

His face had changed from warm and welcoming to one marred by loathing just because I’m different. I couldn’t help but remember how Ross had looked at me when I’d told him, it was the same disgusted look he’d worn when I came out to him, the same that bigot I’d dated had before he started hitting me.

It really hurts.

Maybe that is why I had put it out of my mind.

I would never be accepted by some of the family. I doubt that even Uncle Ben can stomach my change. I didn’t go back to the party. Instead I went upstairs changed Bonnie and walked to a spot in the woodlot behind our sub division.

I don’t know why it had never been cut down and developed but its a little forest in the middle of suburbia, with old oak, pine and ash trees and squirrels I had my own secret little place in there, a large granite boulder, with a nearly flat surface that I used to lie on when I went there.

I walked into the lot, just as before there was very little brush to deter me and I’d changed out of my party dress as I had no intention of partying anymore.

As a kid it’s a spot I used to visit when I was overwhelmed by everything, which was nearly all the time in my latter teens.

I didn’t know why I had the misfortune of being born a boy who was a girl on the inside. Sometimes it felt so terrible I couldn’t function. This was invariably my go to place on those days. My rock was still there. I smiled despite how I felt. Bonnie looked sleepy, as she invariably did after a feed. I sat down and sang her to sleep with a lullaby I remembered from my own childhood.

I smiled at the memory. I had hazy memories of that time just before Mags was born, it had been a happy time for me, times which became increasingly rare as I grew older, I don’t think I’d realized the seriousness of my dilemma back then. I just knew something was wrong but it really turned into a full blown ache when I was about 10 and realized no matter how I wished I wasn’t going to wake up a girl the next morning or ever fall pregnant.

It may have been the saddest point in my life, I was never truly happy again after that realization and puberty just cemented my feelings of depression.

I smiled, things had seemed so bad, so insurmountable back then yet here I was, a woman, carrying my baby. I may not have carried her for nine months but I was her mother. I had more than achieved my dreams and I had come full circle.

Why did I care so much about how I was seen?

I sighed; I didn’t want her growing up here with such toxic relatives around.

I mean I’m glad I’m back as I’d missed my immediate family so much. There had been so many occasions when I’d come quite close to calling Mum or confiding in Mags but the fear they would be like Ross and Uncle Tim and all the people who’d looked at me like I was a freak made me chicken out of getting in touch. I could never abide rejection from these three people.

I had been back once when I made a secret trip back here to watch Mags graduate high school, it had broken my heart to see them but not go talk to them as nothing could have made me come forward at that moment. It had taken losing Ross and having Bonnie for me to find the strength to return home.

My heart never beat as fast as it did except for the day I left home, the night before my surgery and before Ross and I spent our first night together. I’d literally never been so scared.

Their initial reaction left me terrified, I was ready to give up and Bonnie was crying as was I. Like I’ve said I’d never felt so scared. I’d also never felt so alone. I remembered the shocked expressions on their faces and my mother’s gasp. I turned and ran. Which is when Mom surprised me, she ran after me, telling me to wait. When she caught up she just embraced me and we both broke down. She led me back into the house to the sort of reunion I’d always wished for but feared would never happen.

I should never have doubted Mom and Dad, their happy I’m back. They may have been mad about my transition but after my explanation I think Mom came on board. Anything had to be better than me dying. I’ll never forget the expression on her face after I’d jumped in front of that car.

Dad has taken a while to accept it. I think the whole thought of the surgery I had and actually becoming a woman is hard for him to take, especially seeing as I was as he saw it his boy, I think a part of him blames himself like he feels he wasn’t a good enough model for me. If only he knew how much I look up to him and how I ached just to be his little girl with Mags.

I don’t doubt that he loves me too; he even gave me a hug and a good night kiss the other night. I know nothing could ever stop me loving Bonnie. There’s just something special about having a kid, you want only the best for them and if I can feel like that about Bonnie Mom and Dad certainly feel like that about me warts and all. Maybe I should have told them when I was younger but I’m not sure they would have understood it all. I don’t think I could have transitioned here whatever Jack thinks.

I guess there was no other way. Looking back it’s a wonder I actually finished high school without ending my life. I’d been so miserable, wanting so bad to stop being male and be the girl I really was. Every day had been full of torment at how wrong my body was, the terrible envy I felt of the girls at school, of Mags of Jack and how comfortable he was in his own skin.

I’d tried wishing it away by studying, playing sports, heck I’d even used weed once but it just came back stronger than ever. Nothing could make me feel or accept that I was a male.

I instinctively knew no one around here could or would have understood me. I think it was that realization that drove me to the brink and away from my family.

The world has changed since 2005, people like me aren’t on the fringes anymore and if you’re lucky like I was you can live a mostly normal life in some places except where families are concerned.

I love Mags and my parents way too much to ever lose them again but maybe I was dreaming too much, my life isn’t here. I wonder if I can persuade all three of them to move to California. I can imagine the whole neighborhood will know about me by sunset tomorrow.

I just can’t help feeling they will be more like Tim than Ben.

I wish I could say I didn’t care but I care far too much for my family and my daughter. I don’t want Bonnie to grow up hearing slurs about her mother or aunt’s boyfriend.

I didn’t see Bel come back, Dad’s party had been salvaged after all and I’d enjoyed it after the unpleasantness that had marred its start. I had the awkward realization that this may not have been the case had Bel stayed on.

I now knew why she had initially refused to attend.

I suddenly felt a swooping sensation in my stomach as I realized this wasn’t new or unexpected to her. Sure she was rich and beautiful but there would always be that epitaph hanging round her, she used to be Des, a man.

I was dancing with Jack when this epiphany hit me. I instantly felt guilty for enjoying myself while my sister was alone feeling awful somewhere.

I tensed and Jack felt it as led me around the makeshift dance floor.

“What’s wrong?”

“Bel, I can’t believe I’m having fun after what happened,” I confessed.

Jack sighed, “I know,” he murmured shaking his head.

I looked him in the eye.

“How does she deal with that?” I asked.

“How do you deal with it?” I carried on.

Jack shrugged, “I just live, I tell myself not everyone is like that. My best friend was a white guy and my girl is his sister. I mean how do you cope with being a woman and all the sexism? Do you mope or just plod on?” Jack answered.

“I see what you mean, after a while you just get used to it and hope no one does it to you in particular,” I murmured.

“There you go,” Jack answered.

“What about Bel? I mean at least you have people that share your experiences and I can always talk to other women about this being a man’s world. I don’t know anyone else like Bel,” I said slowly, feeling sorry for my sister.

Jack nodded, “It’s more common than you think, when I was in college one of my professors was like her. She ran a campus group for people like your sister. So she’s not alone. She’s got you. I’ve seen how you’ve welcomed her, how you defend her. I know you were this close to beating your uncle.”

Jack smiled. I kissed him

“Why don’t you go cheer her up?” Jack suggested.

“She hasn’t come home yet,”

“She’s upstairs. I saw her sneak back in an hour ago,”

I pushed on his chest.

“You didn’t tell me?”

Jack smiled, “Hey I needed you too,” he laughed, his schoolboy grin lighting up his face and my heart.

How I loved this man.

I kissed him savouring the long, sweet kiss, not caring that my parents weren’t too far from us.

“I love you,” I whispered.

He lifted up my chin, “I love you too,” he said in his deep baritone.

“Call me,” I murmured before blowing him a kiss.

He put out his hands to catch something before bringing the tips of his fingers to his lips and kissing them.

I giggled and turned to go upstairs.

To be continued.