...a faceless man, in a long dark coat. He stole silently into where she was sleeping, and carried her away.
It's not like we didn't know this day was coming. There is no recovery from the dementia, no going back to being the vibrant woman that she was when she was healthy. I'm slowly coming to terms with it.
I had a friend comment that he couldn't imagine what I was going through. I replied with this:
We knew for a long time how this would end. Alzheimer's/Dementia is non-recoverable. The only question is what's the time line from diagnosis to final breath. My son and I were lucky that we had nearly two and a half years with her after her diagnosis and a year and a half since she went into hospice. We were able to gain a measure of closure, saying our goodbys, told her we loved her every time we could, even after she became comatose.
You get through it by manning up and doing whatever it takes to be her advocate, her protector, her voice. You don't run away, you don't say "I can't deal with this shit" and desert her.
You do it out of love, even when you're changing her diaper and bedpad for the second or third time that day because she's incontinent. Or getting up at zero dark thirty to give her meds, or because she's having a nightmare.
And when she calls you the wrong name, or doesn't recognize you any longer, you play along and kiss her gently on the forehead when she closes her eyes and goes back to sleep.
You get through it by loving her the best way you know how.
I know she's in a better place now, probably talking the ear off some angel and sharing photos of her earthly family and friends.
I'm getting through this the best way I know how, one day at a time, one task at a time.
Hug your family and friends. Tell them you love them every chance you can, and mean it always. The greatest power in the 'verse is love. Don't hold it close, share it. I was lucky in that I had a long time to say goodbye to my wife, to tell her I loved her.
The next time a person you love walks away, it may be the last time you see them.
Comments
I had the privilage
to participate briefly in thecare of my mother-in-law the final year of her life. My condolences and my thanks to you for your candor and willingness to share such a personal, precious part of your life.
Love, Andrea Lena
What To Say?
That is possibly the worst possible death for those who have to stand by. When you have to watch someone you love become a kind of unknowing infant. My wife died of multiple cancers and we knew it was coming but at least she had her full mental faculties until very close to the end. My heart goes out to you.
I lost my grandmother to "the faceless man:"
I was grateful to be able to spend time with her up to when she was hospitalized
Biggest hugs, and my sorrow for your loss.
It is a devastation...
... but also a blessing. For in these moments one learns that he has truly loved - and that is the surest mark of not spending a life in vain.
Please accept my condolences - and also my sympathy and support.
Gaining closure before the death of a loved one
You had the possibility to gain closure, and you actively made use of that. It is so sad when the family tries to deny reality and suffers more than was necessary. And I am sure, over time, you will find that you have allready acomplished some stages of the grieving process. Just as I found when my father passed away in 2013. He was given three months due to cancer. He openly prepared for the end, even planning the memorial service with us. In the end we had eight months before the end, and the "aftermath" was pretty low-stress for us.
I am glad for you to have gained some closure before the final separation from your wife. I also wish you peace while you continue to grieve the passing of your life partner. Take your time for contemplation. If at all possible make time to share memories with your son about your wife and his mother.
Jessica
The faceless man
My condolences to you and your family . That is one of the hardest things a family has to face your tower of strength wilting away just like a pretty ROSE dying in front of your eyes and you can't stop it .
I lost my mother to the faceless man . I feel your pain. My brother and I held her hand to the very end , at least there was no pain in death.
LOVE to you and the family
You were there for her,
and if her mind did not know I am sure her soul did.
Remember the good times, and know she is smiling down at you now.
I have cared for a couple of invalid relative, and it looks like I will have another in my future. And you are right there is only two things you can do for them, love them and be there for them.
Condolences & a prayer,
~Hypatia >i<
I will add my condolences and
I will add my condolences and say thank you for sharing the news and your powerful words with us. What you did for her exemplifies the best that mankind has to offer.
Kris
{I leave a trail of Kudos as I browse the site. Be careful where you step!}
I personally hope her visitor was more like Twilight Zone
There was that famous episode with Robert Redford as Death. OTOH, if Death looked like Robert Redford, you might get jealous :).
Seriously though, I offer you my sincerest condolences. My parents died when I was only 39 and my partner, 8 years my senior, has health issues. I am the youngest in my family and most of my friends are older than me. For me, I anticipate more goodbyes than I can shake a stick at. Though I know death is part of life, I know that it is never easy.
My best wishes.
Starfox...
I will one day be where you are and in a minor way have been where you were. My husband of almost 27 years
was overdosed on anticoagulants after his quadruple bypass(Which was in itself incredibly hard). This caused extensive bleeding into his lungs and as a result he suffered anoxia and some resultant neural injury.
When it first happened he sort of lost his world, was seeing people where they weren't...
I remember him insisting he wanted the TV turned off, not the sound but the picture. There was no TV in the bedroom. That was when I called the ambulance.
When they got him to the ER they put him on a ventilator and sedated him... we got to say I love you and goodbye in case. That was the last time I talked to him for 3 weeks as he lay there in ICU. I was there and I talked but from him there was nothing except for one time about a week in where he woke up for a moment and saw me there... told me he loved me and cried...
When they finally took him off the ventilator and the sedation he woke up but he wasn't all there. I was just grateful he knew who I was...
3 more weeks where he was in a nursing/rehab home and trying so hard... I remember he cried because he wasn't able to open a box of pasta. Walking was just barely a thing when I got him home just 2 days before christmas 2012.
It took time and rehab and lots of tears and he is still prone to outbursts but he has mostly recovered.
I suppose it was just a preview, a ghost of things to come.
He is 20 years my senior and has had many health challenges. I knew going in that one day I would nurse him to his death.
I hope that day will be long in the future.
I can't offer comfort or really anything else, just a smaller version of your experience and hugs for one who has tread the path that I will one day follow.
((HUGS))
Abby