Ellen

Sydney Moya

©2016

One

Ellen stared at the mirror. Looking back was she hoped, an eighteen year old girl. She wasn’t very pretty but she wasn’t ugly either. Homely would be a near perfect description for her. Her long brown hair which was just too shiny to be natural certainly framed her face nicely. Her face was devoid of makeup as she didn’t know how to use it. She wore a dress that ended just above her knees. Buying it at the Oxfam had been had been torture but she’d just had to have it. She had no bust to speak off which gave away her sex.

‘I’m so ugly,’ she thought.

She was her own worst critic, not realising that this was a trait common to many females. It was so hard; she wanted to be a girl so bad she couldn’t hide it anymore.

She sighed, knowing it wouldn’t be a walk in the park. After all hadn’t a transgendered classmate of hers nearly been killed? Still she had to do something, it was impossible to hide from herself anymore. She’d done her level best to ignore her feelings, to pretend she was the boy her body said she was.

It was harder said than done especially when Nicole Brent came out; it was as if someone had flipped a switch in her head. Hiding from who she really wanted to be was so much harder now when she could see that it was possible to be true to who she was.

She envied her former classmate. Nicole Brent was a beauty and she’d found it hard to be around her. She seemed so happy with who she was now which kind of brought home how wrong her own life was. Nicole was living the life she dreamed of, she was gorgeous, had great friends and a supportive family.

As Neill she had tried to avoid her as much as possible, not because she was a tranny like a lot of boys at school did, but because she didn’t want to be reminded what a horrible lie was living. It was why he had paid Tim to ask for her Geo notes. It was also why he had put the conversation he’d heard in the loo out of his mind, thinking about Nicole threatened to tear down his well crafted defences. She was everything he wanted to be and probably wouldn’t be which was galling.

She remembered the day her long held feelings had crystallised in her mind. She would never forget it.

“Miss Brent, Miss Jones, I think we’ll spilt you two this time around,”

Neill was minding his own business as usual when he heard Mr. Hornby carry on.

“Aw,’’ sighed the girls unhappily.

“The two of you have paired up on every group project ever since you first set foot in my class. I think it’s time to split you up to see how you work with others. Nicole I want you to partner Neill, let’s see, hmm. Alec and Thomas should do,” he decided.

His heart had nearly stopped and he’d looked up in surprise. Luckily he had enough presence of mind to hold his tongue. He glanced at Nicole who also didn’t seem too pleased, before looking at Alec whose expression had perked up.

He probably needed the help, and everyone knew Nicole was a certified genius. She was easily the best student at Holyhead. It was probably a family thing because he’d heard from Tim that her youngest sister was running riot in her form.

John wore a supercilious frown. Neill guessed he didn’t want to work with someone like Nicole. Neill sighed mentally as he wondered why people couldn’t live and let live. Nicole was from all accounts a nice person. She was someone who didn’t mock others and generally kept to her friends. She always willing to assist anyone who asked. He knew this from years of learning with her. He only avoided her because he didn’t want to face his true nature.

Mr. Hornby carried on with the other assignments, breaking up some well established groups in the process. When he was done the lesson proceeded.

At the end of the lesson Neill went to the library. He had a free period and wanted to return a book before finishing his Economics assignment. It was still a surprise when he heard someone call his name

“Um hi Neill,” Nicole began.

“Hi Neill,” added Clara.

“Hello Nicole,”

“Hello,” he said in a quiet voice looking at Clara.

“I need to talk to you about the assignment Mr. Hornby gave us,” continued Nicole.

“Um yeah, please sit down,” he responded politely.

“Thanks,” said Nicole and Clara as they sat themselves.

“So can we start now or what?” Neill queried, forgetting about his Economics.

“If you’re free. I’m only free for the next half hour,” answered Nicole, surprised at his offer.

Thirty minutes later Nicole had to leave for her next class, which was Mathematics. Their research was incomplete though.

“What are you doing after lunch?” Neill queried.

“I’m going home,” answered Nicole.

“Oh, so when are we going to finish this?” Neill responded.

Nicole glanced quickly at Clara before breathing in deeply.

“I can’t stay after lunch but maybe you could come to my house,” she nervously offered, “if it isn’t a problem that is.”

Neill looked at her for a moment.

Tons of stuff went through his mind, the girl inside wanted nothing more than to be Nicole’s friend. He knew he should say no but unless you were George Smith, hanging around Nicole was an occupational hazard at their school. He liked his quiet existence and didn’t want to be targeted; he could just see Liam and company mocking him for being around Nicole. Being bullied had been bad enough a few years ago, now the whole school might join in if what had happened last term was anything to go by. They had to get the work done though and it sounded like her suggestion was the best option.

“Um, yeah I suppose,” Neill finally agreed.

He could barely concentrate for the rest of the day. The one thought on his mind was he that was going to Nicole’s home. He could barely believe it and was beside himself with excitement.

When he arrived home he showered before dressing in his smartest casual clothes. For some reason he wanted to make a good impression.

When he arrived at the Brent home the first thing he noticed was the size of the house. It seemed pretty big; he guessed Nicole’s parents were well off. Of course most of the kids at Holyhead were from the posh sections of society. He and Tim only went to Holyhead because they were legacies, their grandfather had taught there for nearly 30 years producing excellent results. The school had been grateful and offered his two grandchildren scholarships. All their mum had to do was buy the uniforms. He knew quite well she couldn’t pay the £6000 annual tuition even if she wanted to. The school was full of posh kids and he’d known he wouldn’t fit in from day one. This was why he worked so hard at school. He wanted to get a scholarship to university as well as keep his mind off his dyshporia.

It surfaced as Nicole answered the door. She looked lovely in her jumper and jeans. She wore her hair loose instead of the ponytail she favoured at school. Neill did his best not to look at her attractive figure or to think how he’d look if he could be a girl.

‘Some people have everything,’ he thought a bit enviously as she gave him a bright smile.

“Hi Neill, glad you could make it,” said Nicole brightly when she answered the door.

“Hi,” replied Neill.

“Do come in,” Nicole offered in that pleasant voice of hers “Would you like anything? I can make tea,or you can have a coke or juice,”

Neill declined, “I’m ok thanks. Nice place by the way,” he commented.

“Thank you,” Nicole answered.

He followed her into what seemed to be a dining room. Books were piled high on the table. He removed his backpack and pulled out his notebook.

“Okay where were we?”

Neill consulted his notebook.

“We were answering the second question,” Neill answered.

Nicole nodded, “Settlement morphology is usually a result of an interaction between physical geography, economic geography and cultural development,” she remarked, “Discuss this statement with reference to a range of settlements you have studied.”

“Yes,” agreed Neill.

“We’ve defined what settlement morphology is so let’s look at settlements we’ve studied,” Nicole suggested.

Neill nodded and the pair of them got to work.

It was a fruitful session. The two of them worked surprisingly well together during the two and a half hours at our house. They even managed to get a start on John and Alec’s section.

“You’ll have to give it to them,” said Nicole, “and pass it off as your work,” she added.

“No you did a lot more than I did. There’s no way Mr Hornby wouldn’t see your hand in this,” remarked Neill, “besides it wouldn’t be fair,” he added.

“It doesn’t matter. Most boys aren’t really comfortable around me, so this is for the best,” replied Nicole.

“The best for who?” Neill asked, not understanding.

Nicole sighed.

“Look Neill, if word gets out that we worked together at my house, you’ll be made fun of for doing stuff with me. They’ll make your life hell and I don’t want that so here’s the thing, we’ll present this separately in Geo so no one will guess,” suggested Nicole.

Neill looked at her, a sad expression on his face. He knew she was right it seemed so unfair though. No one deserved such treatment.

“I don’t mind working with you or being seen with you Nicole. You’re a nice girl not a freak or anything,” he gently said.

He really believed it. Nothing about Nicole seemed weird; she was just a normal girl.

“Thank you,” she said quietly, “unfortunately not everyone thinks like that.”

“Unfortunately,” Neill agreed, more to himself than Nicole.

He remembered the conversation he’d heard in the gents.

“Do you have any idea who attacked you?” Neill asked his expression turning serious.

“No I don’t and the police don’t have a clue,” responded Nicole.

Neill nearly said something; in fact he opened his mouth then closed it before finally saying something. He didn’t want to falsely accuse anyone.

“Did they attack you because you’re a girl?” Neill asked, “don’t answer if I’m making you dredge up stuff you’d rather not remember,” he quickly added in an apologetic tone.

“No, it’s ok. They knew that I’m transgendered and they wanted to kill me for it,” Nicole replied.

“That’s so sick,” said Neill clearly horrified.

“I know but I’m still here,” said Nicole with a small smile.

He smiled back. For some reason he enjoyed Nicole’s company. He gathered his courage and finally asked the question he’d been dying to ask her ever since she showed up at school as a girl.

“Yeah but tell me, when did you start knowing something wasn’t right like you weren’t really a boy?” Neill wondered.

“When I was four at nursery school I think. The teachers called me a boy and I felt wronged when that happened or I was grouped with boys. I didn’t like the things they liked and all my friends were girls. I kind of just knew that I’d grow up and be a woman like my mother. It was the same thing throughout primary school, I wanted ballet lessons and a tutu like my sisters, I hated haircuts and loved dressing up in my sister’s things with her and playing with Mum’s makeup. I didn’t have a single male friend, had loads of Barbie’s, cuddly toys, the lot. I used to go to bed every night praying I’d wake a girl the next morning so I could be happy and be Nicole to everyone, all the time not just to myself and my best friends. When I reached high school, I started feeling trapped like my dream would never come true, like I wouldn’t be who I felt I was. I was terrified I’d grow into a man and I desperately wanted to be a girl, being a boy felt so wrong.

I couldn’t tell a soul lest anyone thought I was a freak and people were on my case for being different, looking and behaving like a girl, for liking boys. I felt miserable and my body was doing the wrong things and I couldn’t take it, like I had a splinter in my head driving me nuts. I wanted to die because I couldn’t see a way out of my troubles but I couldn’t hurt my family like that. Then after my GCSE’s I decided to do something, before it was too late. I ordered hormones and began taking them. It felt incredible and I knew then that I couldn’t live without them but because I hadn’t told anyone I had to hide what the hormones were doing and hiding boobs and curves isn’t that easy. One day Mum saw them and told me I had to see a doctor about them and you can imagine how I felt hearing that, after years of wishing for something then getting a piece of it for a short while then being told you’re going to lose it just when you thought things were going to work out. Of course I fought against that, we argued a lot. I became suicidal again because I thought no one cared or understood me and that they’d all think I was a freak if I expressed my true feelings. On the day I was going to end it all, my mum showed up and before I could do anything she got through to me and everything came out. To my surprise she accepted me and let me live me live the way I wanted and well here I am,” finished Nicole, smiling.

Neill was looking at her in clear awe and admiration. He was relieved. He’d always felt no one was like him. She just described his feelings to a t. He couldn’t believe how similar their feelings were.

“Wow, I think you’re so brave,” he said sincerely.

“I’m not, if I was I’d have spoken out earlier and not suffered for so long,” responded Nicole.

“No I mean it, how many could go through that and tell everyone. I doubt if I could,” said Neill.

“I was at breaking point Neill,” replied Nicole quietly.

“You came to Holyhead where the whole school would know. That took guts.”

Nicole shrugged.

“I love College, all my friends are there and it’s so much nicer going there as a girl. I don’t care if everyone knows because that’s who I am, a girl whether they like it or not,” answered Nicole.

There’s something I should tell you,” began Neill after Nicole’s last statement.

“Sure go ahead,” said Nicole cheerfully, she liked chatting to Neill already, he was so easy to talk to and showed no unease the way most of her male classmates did.

“It’s about the attack, I think I know who was behind it,” said a solemn Neill.

That night after visiting the police and sharing the information, Neill had gone home and tossed and turned the whole night. Nicole had just confirmed that she had basically the same feelings he’d been fighting all his life. He was like her, a girl inside. She’d confirmed she was much happier as a woman.

This knowledge was so amazing yet so terrifying at the same time. He’d come close to telling her after her explanation but it was too scary to share with anyone. He ached to be a girl but was terrified what would happen if he did. Nicole had great parents while his mother was a widow, struggling to raise him and his brother. Would she ever accept a daughter instead of a son?

He couldn’t ignore the pained look on Nikki’s face when he’d told her who had planned the attack. She’d nearly been killed, was that his future if he transitioned?

The next few months were something else. Neill was tormented by feelings of dysphoria. He had tolerated his gender for all his life but now he felt increasingly uncomfortable every day.

He pushed the throw cushion between in his legs in a desperate effort to make that thing subside. All he wanted was to get to sleep and that stupid thing had to get in the way.

How he hated that thing. Of late that was all it ever did, for nearly every waking second, probably even when he was asleep. What was worse was he’d noticed it was growing in size, it just looked monstrous. He wanted some way to make it go away as he loathed being a boy. His whole life he’d wanted to be a girl but now his body was turning him into a man while his soul cried desperately for release from its male prison.

He wanted to cry but that was getting harder all the time instead he was always angry feeling an aggression that made him want hit someone or something all the time.

Finally after what seemed like an eternity that snake returned to its normal size not that it made any more liked by its owner. It was just something he had to live with.

Mary walked in and eyed her sleeping child. He was eighteen now, her baby was now almost a man, she could see the signs even as she slept. He was already 5 ft. 10 4 inches taller than her but he still had his baby face. He’d become quite secretive lately but she put it down to teenage angst, at least they never fought like she had with her mother but then again that woman was a witch and her son had always been a sweet-tempered angel.

She walked over to kiss him good night and was taken aback by the tears she saw on his cheeks. She wondered what could possibly make her child cry in his sleep and felt worried but didn’t want to wake him up.

She had no idea of the immense burden her child was carrying around unable to share with anyone because he was terrified of ridicule from his only parent and favourite person. She had no idea her son didn’t see himself as a boy and that he desperately wanted to be a woman but didn’t know what to do about it.

So she kissed him brushing his hair out of his face while wishing him sweet dreams like she’d done his entire life before going to her own room though she was quite bothered by what she’d discovered.

Of late Neill had been more introverted than ever. Even as a child he had loved his books but he had been affectionate and thoughtful not rambunctious and a little terror like some many of her girlfriends sons. Even his little brother wasn’t as introverted; Tim was a happy, friendly boy with a bunch of friends. Still Neill was pretty good at school always averaging A’s & B’s but he didn’t seem to have any close friends and that’s important in one’s teens. He was quite cute in her opinion but she was his mother so she was prepared to admit her bias. He never seemed to talk about girl’s, was he struggling with his sexuality or worried that girls weren’t interested in him? Mores the pity for them probably fawning over of those proud jocks; look where it had got her. It was a shame teenage girls didn’t see the chaff for the wheat, only experience could teach you that the nice ordinary guys were the keepers.

Nicole and Clara had made it a point to say hi whenever they saw him at school. As far as he could tell Nicole seemed quite friendly and genuine. He was still surprised when she handed him an invitation to her birthday do.

It was in a red envelope.

“This is an invitation to my 18th birthday. I’d love it if you could come,” Nicole had said.

“Um yeah I’d love to,” Neill replied, “thanks,” he replied.

“No problem, the details are on the card,” Nikki replied before giving him a quick hug.

His mother was overjoyed that he’d been invited to a birthday party by a girl for that matter. It was the first time that had happened in his time at Holyhead.

“Is she good looking?” she’d asked.

“It’s not like that. I wasn’t the only one invited,” he responded.

“Still you need to be well dressed,” his mum advised before telling him what to wear which ensured he’d do almost the opposite.

He had no idea what Nicole’s tastes were so he bought some perfume. It was a safe gift with any girl he thought.

Nicole’s party was nice. She seemed to have invited only the nice kids from school, people he knew weren’t stuck up or anything. He stayed near them as he didn’t know her other guests who he later learned were her family. Nicole was quite happy and who wouldn’t be he thought. She got to be a girl and her family adored her. He didn’t think he’d ever felt so much envy.

She looked incredible in the blue dress she wore, her hair in a tasteful updo. He wished he could look like that too.

The food was nice and he enjoyed watching the others dancing and singing. He laughed with everyone else at the Brent girls’ karaoke performance while clapping at Nicole’s clique singing. He even got a chance to talk to the birthday girl.

“Hey Neill, having fun,” Nicole asked when she spotted him.

“Happy birthday Nicole,” Neill answered with a grin, “yes it’s fun. Thanks for inviting me.”

“You’re my friend,” said Nicole, “so you deserved an invite and please call me Nikki,” she said.

“Wanna dance,” she offered as 50 Cent’s “It’s your birthday,’ blared from the speakers and all the youngsters cheered and hit the dance floor.

“Um yeah,” said Neill as Nicole led him to the dance floor.

They two stepped for a while and he mentally added dancing as another of Nikki’s skills. She was smiling and truly enjoying herself as Laura joined them also dancing like no man’s business.

The next day Neill had walked into an Oxfam shop and bought a dress, his heart tattooing like a drum. Nothing in the shop assistants demeanour indicated that she knew it was his which made him feel slightly better. He then went a step further and ordered a wig online, which would be delivered in a week. However he didn’t wear the dress, he just stuffed it at the bottom of his drawer.

He spent the Easter holidays revising and trying to forget about his feelings of being wrong. It worked well enough as the school work occupied his mind. He didn’t dare touch the dress or the wig but did his best to study.

When the last term of the year came around, he was quite busy with his work and revision as were all his classmates. He simply couldn’t afford to think about what he was feeling. It helped him a bit as he was focusing on something else for a change. When the exams were through he didn’t go to the Leavers because he didn’t have a date and there was no one he wanted to ask anyway. He wasn’t sure he was actually interested in girls and what that meant didn’t bear thinking about.

However when school finished the feelings he was repressing finally bubbled up to the surface. He tried not thinking about it but it was no use.

‘Not again,’ thought Neill when he woke up the following morning to yet another erection. It made him feel sick and ruined the day before it had even got underway. He wished for the umpteenth time that he didn’t have to experience this and that he was a girl.

Naturally this being real life and not a fairy tale that didn’t happen and he had to live another day feeling horrible about his existence.

He put on the dress and wig for the first time the next morning after carefully locking himself in his room. He felt so much calmer at that moment before bursting into tears. Everything was so wrong.

‘Why am I like this,’ he thought as the tears fell.

He wiped his eyes and carefully changed out of the dress, returning to his horrible reality.

“Morning sweetie,” said his mother when he appeared downstairs for breakfast. Tim wasn’t anywhere to be seen which meant he was still in bed

“Morning,” he responded trying his best not to answer her glumly.

After all it wasn’t her fault he wasn’t a girl but she still detected the sad note hidden in his voice.

“What’s wrong,” Mary asked.

“Nothing,” said Neill quietly.

“You can tell me. I know you did well, don’t worry about your exams,”

“It’s got nothing to do with school,” Neill, inadvertently admitting something was wrong.

“Then tell me, I’m your mum,” Mary said softly.

The tears made their way down the teens face. Mary squeezed her child’s hand

“I think I should be a girl,” said Neill slowly.

Mary was a bit taken aback. She stated the obvious.

“But you’re a boy,” she replied without thinking.

“I HATE IT. I DON’T WANT TO BE A MAN!” Neill sobbed.

“I hate my body, it’s disgusting. I want to be a girl so much it hurts and I’d rather die than live as a guy one more day,”

To be continued