I wasn’t satisfied with the story I posted yesterday so I’ve rewritten it as something very different. Maybe the beginning of a series, who knows?

Some of the first bit is the same so don’t let that fool you… and enough is changed to make it worth reading the whole thing.

All rights reserved, etc…

Note to Readers

In this story I use music as an adjunct to the story, meant to be listened to while reading the relevant passage. I hope you enjoy it and if not I hope it doesn't detract from the story for you.

Well I suppose there’s a lot of thought to organize here, so I’ll just have to start where it seems most logical. Somewhere very early on… I have no idea when the reasons for which will become clear later… In any case, I, like so may of my kind, was in no doubt as to who I was and even a few of years later with access to the web all it did was make increasingly clear to me that I was not at all normal. Of course I already knew I wasn’t normal, I’d been hiding away my sister’s undies and such and wearing them to bed… they made me feel better , I don’t know. Who knows why children do things, especially gender dysphoric children living in the back of beyond with no access to anything really, not even the most basic of healthcare.

Our Parents had to make sure we were vaccinated for us to get into schools there was at least some sort of interaction with the medical establishment and either my sister or my own birth are… well... I think indeterminate would be likely the right word.

There was one thing I vaguely remember, slipping because I was swinging on the washer and dryer on the little alleyway to the kitchen… Being on overconfident 5 year old I managed to put 2 teeth through my lip so needed a couple of stitches. No big deal, especially in a place where beating your kids around is not just accepted but expected.

You’ll have to excuse the lack of detail here, my memory is kinda swiss cheese like that guy from Quantum Leap. Everything before that day I was 8 years old is as though it is locked behind a veil.

So really, I guess you could say that, minus the whole dying and experiencing the totality of the multiverse doesn’t really count for much, It wasn’t much of a big deal. So what, I’d skidded down the highway on my forehead and I’d had the derailleur impaling my calf…
I survived it, my parents even took the stitches out themselves after 2 days and as far as I was aware I healed normally… Except for the dreams.

I was swirling down through an endless vortex, other creatures are falling endlessly and they are all roaring or making whatever noise they can and nothing seems to make sense except it spins eventually into a beautiful ribbon of souls, intertwined and suddenly I realize that in front of my I have the greatest musical instrument ever… The very universe!

And then, gasping and sweating and stuck to my sheets I awake. Not the superwoman of my dreams, just a 15 year old kid who didn’t’ understand anything about how other people thought. Outcast didn’t even begin to describe me. Even the school pariahs wouldn’t talk to me… the only people that treated me civilly were my instructors and even they had issues…

I could tell they would hold their temper when demanding I “Show my Work”. I could never understand why I had to write the bloody equation 30 times when All I really needed was to write it twice, once as the question, and once as the solution.. I tried to compromise a bit but it didn’t work and next thing I knew I was not only kicked out of algebra but forbidden from any other maths(Or even redoing algebra). Pompous old fart insisted I cheated even when I did the work right in front of him.

It wasn’t just that tough, it was that the parents had already excluded me from the “Gifted and Talented” track(Which basically went to very high end schools, usually with a full ride).

It seemed that every way I went I would be stymied, so I went for computer science. Thank the goddess, we had an awesome teacher who would make us work so hard… he drilled us endlessly on security and all sorts of things…. To this day, I revere the memory of Dr Harper. Even he could only do so much and fate took us to another place where I tried so hard to fit in and rediscovered my marsh roots and even took Marine Biology and… Tried to make out with another girl for the first time. I liked her and thought she was so beautiful but the simple fact that I didn’t and couldn’t ever look anything like her ruined anything… I spent yet another of many nights crying myself to sleep. After that I realized that I had to actually become the person I was supposed to be. I didn’t know if I wanted boys or girls but I knew damn well that I was a girl!

By this time I had totally screwed up school by just not going anymore. We’d moved, my computer science courses were a 20 year old language on graph paper. The marine biology was the only thing that interested me and that was a substitute course… I started cutting school to go to the library because I could at least learn something there…

Anyway, this didn’t last very long, I was brought in, threatened me with expulsion to which I replied “Yes Please”.

In any event, I got expelled… but then to my surprise my parents chose to enroll me in a state run reform school… Basically juvenile prison. My parents wouldn’t come get me but said I could come if I had a ride so I lied and hitchhiked.

I don’t know where things broke down really, was it being friends with the girls when I was supposed to be a boy and chasing them or was it the dark hangover of my parents insistence on their religion even in that horror chamber?

In any case, I ran away for spring Break… Managed to get a ride from a very nice man who at the end of the ride said “I know what you are… but I don’t care. People here won’t care either! Have fun Girl! And so for 3 or maybe 4 days I had fun in the sun at Daytona…. I came back with a bikini tan, no way to hide it… I would not have come back had Traveler’s Aid not offered food and a bus ticket… an of course the first thing my parents did was send me back to prison. No private showers of course(Which meant I was basically In terror of being raped the whole time). I knew I had to get out because now everyone knew who I was….

So I engineered a fake assault on a dorm counselor(I never even touched her). It was my 3rd strike and got me expelled….

Not an easy thing, getting expelled from a state run reform school..

A couple months later, my parents gave me an ultimatum.

“Conform to our ways and follow our religion or leave. We will be back in 3 days.” And with that they left for a religious convention..

Needless to say, Being who I am in and of itself precludes following their ways… so on the last day before they were due back, I set out, hitchhiking out of town. It was July 3rd… I mark it every year by shooting off a gross of bottle rockets. My own personal independence day. That day I joined the underground of a major city…. I got the drugs needed to make my physical self at least somewhat resemble who I was… I never once whored myself…. Not that I look down on those that do its just that I am… erm… violently reactive… Trust me, if I could have done it I would have…. I was so hungry…

I discovered that somehow I could sing and it was a sound people would like, kind of a smoky alto. I didn’t have anything of my own so I did covers and a couple of other street kids caught on and we formed a little girl band… And because a lot of our covers were from one band that struck us all so much… we named ourselves “ The Wrecks”

We were standing there on a street corner one day, about to launch into the next tune…

And I see a familiar figure limp past, looking lost in his own world… And looking as miserable as any man I’ve ever seen and I signal the girls, even though its freezing and we’re all played out…

We launch into a Pretty Reckless tune that I just think sort of fits and I hope will do
Something…. Anything… I don’t know, just make things better if its possible at all…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZsLvrBwPrA0

Lay my head, under the water
Lay my head, under the sea
Excuse me sir, am I your daughter?
Won't you take me back, take me back and see?

There's not a time, for being younger
And all my friends, are enemies
And if I cried unto my mother
No she wasn't there, she wasn't there for me

Don't let the water drag you down (Don't let the water drag you down)
Don't let the water drag you down

Broken lines, across my mirror
Show my face, all red and bruised
And though I screamed and I screamed, well, no one came running
No I wasn't saved, I wasn't safe from you

Don't let the water drag you down (Don't let the water drag you down)
Don't let the water drag you down

Don't let me drown, don't let me drown in the waves, oh
I could be found, I could be what you had saved

Saved, saved, saved

[Musical Break]

Lay my head, under the water
Aloud I pray, for calmer seas
And when I wake from this dream, with chains all around me
No, I've never been, I've never been free

No, I've never been, I've never been free
No, I've never been, I've never been free

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZsLvrBwPrA0

The man had been transfixed, the music flowing through his soul like a drink of icewater to a man in the desert.

The song ended and the man shook himself out of his stupor. The weariness that had seemed to lay on him like a ton of lead came back over him and with a wistful look, he began to turn away.

I can’t let this happen… I have to say something, to do something… and before I know it I have stepped over to him and touched his shoulder.

“Dad?”

He froze and looked at me with a kind of pleading look in his eyes…

“I’m sorry kid, I’m not your dad. I had a daughter that would have been your age about now but… I haven’t heard from her for 3 years and I’ve never been any sort of father anyway… she is better off without me. I really hope you do find your dad and he’s a better one than I have been.” He began to turn again, looking if possible even more dejected.

“Dad… George MacCloud… Yes I know your name because I am your daughter. I know you named me Clifford and you beat the shit out of me until I learned how to defend myself. I know who you are and I know even more who I am, at least now that I’m actually able to be myself. Its kind of fucked up really, but thanks for being such a bastard… you hardened me and you’re the only reason I’m still alive.”

By this point, he was standing there stunned with this look on his face that I will never be able to describe. He opened his mouth and then closed it… Then did it again…. I could tell how absolutely dumbfounded he was but what I didn’t expect was for him to break down in wracking sobs.

I did the only thing I could and hugged him, let him cry until he managed, with a clearly enormous effort, to pull himself together.

“I don’t know what to call you… your mother and I had a name picked out for if you’d been a girl but we used the wrong one it looks like… Surely you don’t go by Cliff anymore…?”

“We don’t really use names on the streets dad… Mainly I’m just what a friend called me once when he was drunk out of his mind and I liked it… He called me Broken Wings, after the song… I thought it fit and for a long time I tried to get people to call me Broken. Cause I was, am, you know, broken…”

I sort of ran out of steam at that point and just had no way to express how I felt when Florinda pipes up.

“We call her Wings cause she’s an angel. So many of us are alive and not whoring or sleeping in the rough cause she taught us how to survive and defend ourselves. We watched her learn to respect herself and it made a difference for us, made us realize that if somebody who is as scarred as she is” she shot a glare at him that could have fried an egg at 20 paces “And yes we’ve seen the physical scars and a few of us who are close to her have seen some of the emotional scars. I’m amazed she survived long enough to get out… and I know it was a close thing, that’s another set of scars from when she tried to kill herself the night you caught her in her dress…”

She trailed off, her strong Alabama drawl receding as her certainty did. Clarice dropped into the gap in the conversation with her clipped Midwestern twang.

“Look Mr MacCloud…. We aren’t trying to beat up on you. Believe it or not, your daughter forgave you long ago and moved on. Flory and I know that better than most cause we’ve all cried on each other a lot… But she was always the one who was there for us, for anyone…. We’re sisters, yeah, but in a lot of ways she’s the older sister/mother figure. Its rather difficult to explain. Not the point anyway. You daughter just reached out to you and I swear if you hurt her again you won’t survive it.”

Theo sauntered casually closer and rumbled “Damn straight you won’t. I know you can kick my ass old man but you can’t outrun a bullet”

I could tell things had to be defuse and quickly.

“Theophilus Maurice Winters, you lay off that right now. And give the man some space! Reece and Flory, I know you’re trying to be helpful but its kinda not working. Guys I’m gonna take my dad for a cup of coffee if he wants to go. No Theo, you can’t come and protect me. Stay here and sing bass backup for the girls, we still have a fundraising deadline to meet. We’ll be at Martha Lou’s.”

I started walking and after a moment of hesitation he followed… muttering to himself. I could just barely hear “How the hell can she walk in those things?”

They entered the tiny diner, making the bell over the door ring and selected an empty booth. In a moment a short wiry woman with steel gray hair in a short pixie do bustled up and dropped water and coffee on the table. “Special for 2?”

“Yep”

She wandered off, seemingly randomly picking her way among tables and picking up dishes, glasses, chatting with the patrons amiably.

They sat silently while he watched her pour seemingly endless amounts of sugar into the strong black coffee. Once she had sipped and pronounced her approval with a sigh, settling back in to the booth, she looked at her father with his unreadable gaze.

“What?”

“Its just… you do that exactly like your mother did. I never could understand how she could drink it that way but then I like my Navy coffee.”

“What do you mean like she did?”

“Angel your mom died a couple of days ago…” He trailed off and seemed to visibly shrink.

I just stared in shock and disbelief. My mind couldn’t quite wrap around what he’d just said so I just opened my mouth and let the stupid fall out.

“Angel?”

“Yeah its what we should have named you. From what your friends said its appropriate.”

“Okay, thanks for that I guess…”

Silence falls between us for a few more moments until our meal arrives… white gravy with big chunks of sausage over freshly baked biscuits.

We ate in silence for a while longer.

“How did she die?”

“Car accident… Head on with an 18 wheeler on the freeway”

“That sucks….”

He lets that lie there for a moment.

“Sucks? I mean at least she had no pain….” The look on his face in one of bottomless loss but somehow I can’t help adding a little fuel on the fire.

“Yeah I know, That’s the part that sucks… some part of me has dreamed of her suffering like she made me suffer. It has kinda kept me warm at night sometimes… Nursing that hatred.”

“Why do you hate her, she defended you from me?”

I meet his eyes… flat grey orbs that seemed so… lost.

“Oh don’t feel special, I hated you just as much if not more.”

“Hated? You make it sound like you don’t feel hate for us anymore…”

“I used to dad… but I had to learn to let go of that because it was destroying me. At some point the pain became a source of inspiration and I express it in my singing…”

“I know, I heard…”

He stared at me for a long moment.

“Its uncanny. There’s no doubt you are her daughter. You look just like she did at your age… Well except I don’t think she would ever have gone for the purple hair or the green glittery nails… “

We both snerk a bit at that one. If you’d looked up “Frumpy” in the dictionary it would have had a picture of her.

I can’t get up the nerve to ask what I really want to so I go around the subject.

“So am I invited to the Memorial Service?”

“Please? I can’t find your sister or I’d ask her. I want to, to try… just to try that’s all”

“I can call her. I think she’ll want to come too. It is time for some healing in this family and I hope you feel the same.”

“Thank you .” This last is barely audible.

After firming up times I knew I had to go face my sister. No way was I going to take my father for that one. We agreed to meet later that night, he still lived in the same place.

The evening with my father was so bizarre… its like somehow he was trying to be the father he should always have been. He kept looking at me and shaking his head. I finally had enough and headed off to meet with the gang at our current doss.

We had lucked out and found an usused warehouse that still had functioning utilities, except for electricity. We used military surplus tents to make a clean livable space that was as close to a home as any of us had had for many years. With air mattresses and other camp style furniture it was actually quite comfortable.

Theo had even rigged up a gas powered tankless water heater so we had hot showers… although privacy was limited. He had also managed to “Acquire” some solar panels and an old home power blade, one of the original Tesla models. We had electricity enough for lights and computers and it was pretty tekked out really. We might have been street people but more than a few of us were fairly “Unknown” in the grey hat world.

My mouth watered hard when I came through the kitchen tent flap and the smells hit me. Tofu in peanut sauce, oxtail in red wine and spices… some Indian vegetarian stuff I never have learned the name of but it is delicious. I’m not picky about what I eat but some folks have allergies and others have beliefs… a fair amount of the food was actually Halal or Kosher. Well It wasn’t blessed by a Rabbi or Imam but otherwise it qualified…

Melinda sees me and waddles over, drying her hands on her apron before she gives me a huge hug. For some reason I’m crying and holding onto her and shaking and I realize she’s stroking my hair and softly speaking…

“Angel? Its ok hun. Its ok. Momma’s got you, you’re ok hun…”

Finally I think I’m cried out. “Angel? Oh crap they told everybody didn’t they?”

“Hun we always knew you were an angel, having the name you should have had doesn’t change that. We all owe you so much for what we have here. Your problem is that you only see where you’re broken. “

She shoves a bowl of the tofu into my hands.

“Now go, eat, and you better eat every bite, no giving it away!” She glares at me. “Yes I know you do it and I know you need to eat more child, you’re so skinny a good wind would blow you away!” She softens and kisses my cheek. “Now go eat, then sleep and later we’ll talk about getting you kitted for the memorial, ok?

I don’t even remember eating and I awoke in the same clothes from the day before. I checked my phone… almost 1300! A mad scramble ensued. A careful shower(trust me, hair like mine is hard to achieve, maintaining it for at least a couple days was a definite bonus). Then purple skinny jeans that I’d sewn a green glitter dragon all down both legs. Voilently pink camouflage canvas wedge shoeties that sort of looked like converse but with a 3” wedge. Some dangly earrings that have a peace symbol and some other symbols on em in a sort of pewter. Mama nature and hormones had been pretty good to me so I really had to wear a bra but with today’s top that meant a racerback, so I picked one that enhanced things a little. I finished off the look with a purple lace halter and a light sort of flowey sweater, the same tone of purple as the jeans and top. Various bangles and gadgets went on and into hidden pockets.

All in all, I’d achieved the look I was after… antisocial neo-punker best left alone. It served me pretty well.

I deliberately slipped out without saying goodbye to Melinda. She knew where I was going today and knew that I needed to be left alone but she would have tried to feed me and the very last thing I think I could tolerate right now is food.

Down the familiar streets, my feet carrying me more quickly than I really wanted them to. A door loomed in my vision and I realized I’d managed to walk the whole way while in my fugue-state. This was going to be hard in a different way. I had kept tabs on my sister, knew she was happily married to a guy who seemed to be perfect for her and they had a beautiful son who was apparently very bright.

Despite this, I had not spoken with her for the same amount of time I’d not talked to my parents. I was glad she had gotten out and made a good life for herself but I didn’t figure she’d deal with having a transsexual sister very well. Call it fear of rejection because that is what it was.

Enough dithering, time to grasp the nettle… I pushed the button, hearing some tune I vaguely recognized and then the door opened and there she was. Pale blonde, grey eyes, about 5’7” to my 6’(well 6'3" in those shoes), dressed like Mrs Middle Class. For a moment she looked at me without any recognition, then I saw it hit her. She just stood there for a moment, looking me up and down slowly, noting every detail… I caught the double take when her eyes slid past my boobs and then back up and then the quick eye flick at my crotch. I was basically never not tucked anymore and therefore looked just as I should have.

She winced at the shoes, then grinned at me. “Well I’ll give you this sis, you don’t do anything by half measures! Come inside! What do I call you? What do you want to drink?”

She stopped talking with a bemused look on her face. “Oh My God! I’ve seen you before! You’re downtown busking with those other girls and that huge guy. Where did that voice come from? I’ve never heard you sing before you left home. I barely heard you talk.”

“Now I remember… Broken Wings, like from the song, but everyone just calls you Wings because you’re some kind of street angel or something… I never would have imagined my little sis could be so… I don’t even know a word but if you do half of what they say you’re a saint!”

I shrug and just try to deflect attention from myself “I don’t really do anything, I just sing and help people find what they need, that’s all. Besides, I doubt very much any religion would canonize a transsexual .” Well so much for deflecting attention from myself….

Next thing I know my sis pokes me in my left boob, hard! That really hurt and I screeched a bit, then poked her right back. She screeched to and then had the grace to look embarrassed. “I wanted to know if they were real… sorry that hurt. But how? When? And the boob fairy has been pretty generous, huh?”

“Hormones, over the last 3 years and yeah I’ve been lucky but to be honest I am wearing a pushup… and before you ask I have not had any surgery, not that I don’t want to but it is pretty expensive… and no I wouldn’t accept your help even if you could afford it and I know you can’t.”

I figured I’d get right to the point. “I ran into Dad yesterday, we talked… Mom died and he wants us both to come to her memorial service. I think we should go.”

“How’d she die?”

“Head on with an 18 wheeler”

“Shit. Some part of me wishes she had suffered…”

“Don’t feel bad, I feel the same way and said as much to dad yesterday.”

We sat and talked, reliving some of the hell that had been our childhood, getting to know each other again and in a lot of ways, for the first time. More than a few tears were shed and I was seriously glad of waterproof mascara, otherwise I’d have looked a raccoon.

The memorial was 2 days away so we both talked a little about what we’d wear… There was even a moment where we giggled about wearing munchkin outfits and singing “Ding Dong, the Witch is dead!”

It seems a little cruel but then so was our mother. She had to go pick her husband up from work and offered me a ride into town after I refused the offer to stay overnight. I accepted but had her drop me a good half mile from our doss.

I just went quietly to my tent, wanting some time alone to think. I didn’t even turn the light on, just stripped off and slid into bed… to be encircled by huge, muscular arms. Theo nuzzled at the back of my neck and kissed me gently making shivers run down my spine. He didn’t try to talk and I was grateful for that. I’m just focusing on the feelings he is giving me when he suddenly grazes a nipple with his rough fingers and I gasp as it sends a jolt straight down to my toes and then I’m turning around and desperately kissing him while he caresses me and I’m just on fire with desire.

That, dear reader, is all you need to know about that night.

2 days later I am in a black lace dress, diaphanous and flowing, I even wear a hat with a black net half veil. Sensible black pumps with a low wedge and Onyx earrings, choker and bracelet. I’ve exchanged the green glittery nails for black glitter and my hair is pinned up under my hat. Black lipstick completes the look.

Theo is simply resplendent in his Navy Dress Blues. He has worn the realistic looking prosthetic on his left leg so his gait looks less comfortable than normal. I had been doubtful about him going with me but he put his, erm, foot… down. It is a warm day and I know he’s going to be dreadfully hot in that uniform but its what he says is appropriate.
I’ve never seen him in uniform before but I know he has many ribbons and decorations Today there are only his lieutenant’s bars and flashes and a Purple Heart. I wonder why but I know better than to ask.

Its so strange that I was raised(If you can call it that) by a SEAL and the guy I’m in love with was also a SEAL. Clearly there are some daddy issues going on with that but I’m not gonna overanalyze happiness.

The service is held in their church(That’s not what they call it). I was nervous, knowing people would figure out who I was when Theo and I sat up front with my dad and sister and her husband. After a good hour of religious doublespeak, the thing is ended and it is time for family to go scatter her ashes in her garden per her request.

Throughout, we have all been stonefaced, unwilling to share our feelings. First there is a little period where we are expected to mingle. I dread this having seen the subtle gestures and looks so I know everyone knows who I am. Sure enough I see a familiar face making a beeline for me and I subconsciously try to hide behind Theo.

I expect some unpleasantness and possibly even nastiness but I guess that just shows sometimes expectations can be wrong. I find my self pulled into a tight hug.

“Um, Darcy?”

“Yeah?”

“I can’t breathe hun…”

She lets me go and stands back to look me over. “Wow, I always knew there was a girl hiding under there but you are simply stunning! I’ve heard you sing downtown and you have the voice of an angel. If I’d known that was you I would have said something long before.”

“Its ok, if you had I’d likely have run in terror. It took a lot to get me to even approach anyone from my old life… I only ran into Dad a few days ago. I hadn’t even gotten in contact with Michelle.”

“Well obviously I can’t call you Clifford, so what is your name?”

“Well funny thing about that… turns out my parents would have named me Angel.”

We share a laugh about that one and then she surprises me again. She turns to address Theo.

“So Theo, how is the dress leg working for you?”

“Darcy I think its your dad’s best work yet, really amazing and I can walk almost normally!” He has a big smile on his face.

“Oh that wasn’t Dad. You were my graduation project!”

“Well you get an A+ from me young lady and its nice to be able to thank the artist!”

“Wait wait wait… You’re here for some reason and you’re obviously not with Michelle so” She points at us “You two are a couple?”

Theo pulls me into a hug and then to my embarrassment kisses me soundly.

After a little more mingling, mainly talking with Darcy, the small procession slowly follows a police escort to my parents home. The first thing dad does is head for the bar and pour himself a stiff bourbon, then 4 more and one of dark rum, handing us each one and leaving the rum on the bar for the moment.

He speaks, his voice barely under control. “I think we all need to get a little drunk before we do this thing.” He takes a deep sip, obviously savoring the burn. We all follow suit in silence. Once we have each emptied our glasses, he refills them and asks me to carry the urn while he picks up the untouched rum. Theo salutes the urn sharply as I carry it.

We file out into the garden. It is a clear sunny day with almost no breeze. It seems wrong somehow, like it should be raining. Still without a word, my father walks to her prized roses.

At this point we are all openly crying. He seems to fight with his voice for a moment before he begins. “My love, you have left but for a time to rest in the sure and certain hope of resurrection, for Jehovah is merciful and just, even to people who have done such evil as ourselves.” He falls silent and slowly pours the glass of rum onto the bushes.

He turns to me. “Angel, I know neither of us deserve it but can you please sing something? It seems right somehow.”

The perfect songs pops into my mind. I take another belt of bourbon and begin with an old Paul Simon song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgndG3ZXUz4

“When you're weary, feeling small
When tears are in your eyes, I'll dry them all (all)
I'm on your side, oh, when times get rough
And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you (ooo)
I'll take your part, oh, when darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Sail on silver girl
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
Oh, if you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind”

I have to take a moment as I am sobbing so hard I can barely breathe. I finally get myself together and start the final song, the only possible song that could be sung.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5e6IN_YbwM

“Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.
’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me,
His Word my hope secures;
He will my Shield and Portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who called me here below,
Will be forever mine.
When we’ve been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Than when we’d first begun.”

At this point I’ve completely lost it and am soaking the front of Theo’s uniform as he simply holds me. When I can finally look at the others I see my father on his knees, tears streaming down his face and all the heartbreak in the world pouring out of him. Disengaging from Theo, I kneel with him and pull him into a hug. A moment later Michelle joins us.

We stay that way for a long time until dad finally breaks the silence. “Girls, its time.” Theo hands my father the urn and salutes, holding the salute stiffly. He unseals it and pours some of the ashes out, then hands it to Michelle who does the same and hands it to me. I slowly pour out the remainder of our mother, his wife.

A healing has begun, a death has brought a splintered family back together. They all know it and somehow it helps the grief begin to turn to something else.

Music used is from “The Pretty Reckless” and Simon and Garfunkel(performed by Zsa Zsa Padilla) as well as John Newton(Performed by Judy Collins).