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Warning: word play ahead.
Did you know the film "Dirty Dancing" was produced using Eastern design principles? It's true! They wanted to maximize the film's Feng Schwayze.
I read in the paper about this guy who lost a fortune in the dunk tank business. Apparently he was sitting pretty 'til some of his competition decided to play hard ball; then the bottom just fell out of the market.
No tourist ever steps on Hawaiian soil a virgin: as soon as you arrive at the islands, you get lei'd.
I've been trying to come up with a good pun about entrails; unfortunately, all the ones I've thought up have been offal.
Why were dogs banned from medieval sieges? Because they kept barking at the catapults.
Why are people always happier on the heath? Because the moor, the merrier.
How do you get rid of a dead scientist? Barium.
It was seven PM when all the corpses stood up and walked away, I know not where. It truly was the Night of the Leaving Dead.
In honor of the new Star Wars: Why did the bounty hunter store the carbonite-frozen smuggler under his floor? Because he wanted Han so low.
And, lastly, an awful joke: How many hippos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? The answer: Hippos don't use lightbulbs.
Some of these are stretches, some are more shaggy dog than puns, but hey, at least they all got a giggle, or at least a groan, right?
Melanie E.
Comments
Melanie Ezell and I go way back...
...and then we fall over.
(That's not exactly a pun but I've used it in about four different stories.)
Most of my jokes are ones an 8-year old would be embarrassed to tell...
.
What do you do if your giraffe gets sick?
Take him to Giraffe-Sick Park.
.
The other day I had to shit something awful...
Then I had to hunt it down and kill it before
it took out half the livestock in the county.
.
And my favorite for sheer awfulness...
What kind of chair makes your hair fall out?
Chernobyl.
.
Sigh, I'll probably regret posting this...
~Laika
"Government will only recognize 2 genders, male + female,
as assigned at birth-" (In his own words:)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1lugbpMKDU
Why? It's FUN!
And if there's anything ya need more of, space pup, it's fun.
*hugs the Laika*
Melanie E.
If you insist
First rope's end: I'm a tassel! Are you a tassel?
Second rope's end: No, I'm a frayed knot.
I can do mixed metaphors as well:
If a pope shits in the forest, does anyone hear it fall?
Penny
Actually, I prefer......
Does the Pope have lips?
Or maybe, is a bear Catholic? Of course the answer to that one is only if he's Irish, Italian, or Hispanic!
As a Protestant who married into a VERY Catholic Italian family (and yes, my family nearly disowned me when they found out!), I have rather enjoyed Catholic and Italian jokes over the past few decades.
Here's one for you.......
What's the difference between a refrigerator and an alter boy?
The 'fridge doesn't fart when the priest pulls his meat out of it.
Crass, but it always pisses off my in-laws........
Which of course was the point.
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
"it always..."
It should! People from Ireland told me enough frightening stories about priests and choir boys... Basically it is about once per year: scandal, payoff to the parents, replacement of priest untill next year scandal with the new priest and new choir boy...
Sounds like,
the circle of life.
Don't quit your day job...
The Bankers waiting for a trim! Giggles Talia
trivial fact
Lafayette cemetery in New Orleans has a rather strict policy. Nobody that lives within five miles of it can be buried there.
quidquid sum ego, et omnia mea semper; Ego me.
alecia Snowfall
That must be a French joke
It hasn't made me Laffe yette...
"Government will only recognize 2 genders, male + female,
as assigned at birth-" (In his own words:)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1lugbpMKDU
Laffe?..
Isn't it a Jewish version of lavash bread? I had it with lamb today in the Jewish Caffè... Was very nice, BTW...
And then there are the variations
And then there are the variations on Douglas MacArthur’s famous quote, "old soldiers never die; they just fade away."
Michelle B
What is a difference...
Between dead skunk and dead lawyer on the highway? No skid marks near lawyer.
PS: Nothing personal, just business ;-) (from Godfather...)
Algonquin Round Table
For anyone who loves wit and wordplay, there is no finer academy than studying the brilliant bon mots casually tossed around the Algonquin Round Table.
Algonquin Round Table on Wikipedia
My absolute favorite: They were (allegedly) playing a party game of drawing a word from a hat and using it in a sentence with a meaning other than what the word itself meant. The great Dorothy Parker drew the word "horticulture", thought for a moment, and said ...
"You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her think."
sex - bank
i heard this one a long time ago ---- sex is like a bank account, when you make a withdrawal you lose interest.
Very old Russian joke...
What is the difference between a scout (pioneer is Soviet Russia) and a hot dog?
Scout (pioneer) is always prepared... But you need to cook a hot dog!
:-)
real life itself can be funny
real life itself can be funny.
After a Pioneer group had high attendance records for several months straight, the local party (commie of course) leadership sent someone to praise them.
When the party member arrived at their next meeting, he found them watching porn instead of a boring (communist) party indoctrination film.
They were chewed out instead of praised and attendance dropped to normal dismal levels.
My bad pun contribution
I saw this news item about a year ago:
http://www.spiegel.de/international/zeitgeist/austrian-domin...
This brought the phrase "bait and switched" to mind.
I've been planning a new comic strip....
...about a Mother Superior and a cowboy traveling the Old West as investigators.
I thought I'd call it... Nun and Slim.
:)
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
I've had a comic idea for a while
about a world of anthropomorphic animals. The series would follow a college professor dormouse who was a secretive crime fighter by night. Rather than directly hindering criminals, however, he would always find ways to make them reveal or capture themselves, hiding his influence and never gaining notoriety for his actions.
The series' name would, of course, be Anonymouse.
Melanie E.
Would he also be a computer hacker?
:)
A Nonie Mouse
A Nonie Mouse was my original BB handle. :)
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Nice. :)
Nice. :)
Thanks for posting these, they brought a smile and some chuckles.
Hugs,
Erin of Wis <3
More?!
An English teacher once claimed he could make a pun on any subject.
One pupil replied: "The Queen!"
Quick as a flash, the teacher responded, "The Queen is not a subject!"
-oOo-
A Chemistry teacher asked their class: "What's the formula for water?"
One pupil responded: "HIJKLMNO"
"No! Whatever gave you that idea?!"
"You - only last week you said it was H to O!"
-oOo-
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A Flat Major
-oOo-
What do you get if you drop a piano on a mine?
A Flat Minor
-oOo-
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.
-oOo-
Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same as division.
-oOo-
"How did you get on in court yesterday?"
"Fine."
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!