Synopsis
Robyn has always known who she is, a girl. Unfortunately the rest of the world sees her as a boy. This is the story of one girl's unusual journey to womanhood.

Robyn smiled at the reflection in the mirror happy that the long nightmare that had been high school was ending that day. However there was one final act to do before the curtain closed. Robyn had to graduate and deliver the valedictory. After that she’d be scot free and never have to live as something she wasn’t again- a boy.

On paper Robyn Ashley Savernik was a 17 year old, going on 18 male, a quiet self-effacing teenager with an above average IQ. But that wasn’t how Robyn saw herself. In her heart she was a girl and it always felt like that. To her it was like some terrible accident had occurred before she was born resulting in her being born male but with the heart, mind and soul of a girl. Robyn was around 5 when she’d discovered she was permanently on the boy side of the gender divide at pre-school. It was when the teachers and other kids began segregating according to gender. Having always seen herself as a girl you can imagine the distress she felt on being labelled a boy and the anguish she went through when told she would be a boy for the rest of her life because she had boy parts and ‘that was that.’

From then on life had been a constant struggle to somehow make sure her wish came true, someway, somehow. Firstly she’d told her mother, Fiona that she didn’t want to be a boy and was actually a girl. Her mother had just looked at her with mournful eyes before telling it was okay, all kids went through that.

“You’ll be happy you’re a boy when you get older honey,” Fiona had said, rather unconvincingly in Robyn’s opinion.

In fact the opposite happened. With time Robyn’s yearning to be female had grown into an overwhelming urge that sucked her into depression by the time she was 11. She’d felt increasingly trapped in the wrong body and chained by the social dictates that demanded boys be aggressive and competitive which was quite the opposite of her gentle personality.

Since she couldn’t change her innate sense of self and be like the other boys she became a constant target for bullying from boys and some girls causing her to retreat further into her shell. Things were worsened by the fact that she seemed to be the only one distressed with her gender, everyone else appeared normal especially her little brother Anthony.

Unlike her he was the son most fathers wish for, a gifted sportsman. Growing up he’d turned into an Adonis and became one of the in-crowd and undoubtedly the dad, Jim’s favourite. Meanwhile Robyn had grown increasingly lonelier and more depressed particularly over the impending puberty that hung over her like the Sword of Damocles. In her heart of hearts Robyn didn’t want to become a man. Once again she’d bared her heart to her mother and the same result ensued, Fiona telling her it was a passing phase that would sort itself out with time. Though in most cases this would probably be true Robyn was a member of that minority of children who’d grow up to be transsexuals.

As you can imagine Fiona’s response didn’t sit well with Robyn as she was more than certain that she was meant to be a girl. Frantic with worry that her body would start betraying her, she took matters into her own hands. Being very well read and incredibly clever she knew about hormones and their effects. She also knew about testosterone blockers and she used her not inconsiderable savings and pocket money to set up a mailbox and commenced ordering them from Mexico when she was 13. A year later she added oestrogen to this cocktail. She managed to buy the pill online.

The hormones had a positive effect at least in her view as it’s doubtful her parents would have agreed. She felt a lot less depressed and was quite happy with what they did to her body which didn’t enter a male puberty but was propelled down the opposite path, that of female adolescence. Surprisingly no one noticed this for over two years partly because Robyn had taken extensive precautions to hide her body, from wearing loose fitting and baggy clothes to binding her breasts and locking her room when she dressed. It worked so well that no one in her family wondered why her brother shot up past her and then bulked up and started shaving before Robyn. Had the Saverniks’ gone to see their doctor more regularly she might have been caught out but the family didn’t have health insurance as Jim saw no reason to waste his money paying doctors when no one was visibly sick which meant Robyn survived.

Her dressing was explained away by her parents as a sign of teenage rebellion while the small stature was assumed to be something Robyn inherited from Fiona along with her ash blonde hair and milky complexion that was the envy of nearly all the girls at her school who believed it was wasted on a tomboy/boy depending on how they saw Robyn.

As she was a highly intelligent student who was impeccably behaved no alarm bells rang at school. PE classes were a minefield though but she managed to find a way out of doing them by taking advanced classes in Calculus and doing taekwondo after school which covered her states PE requirement. It was far easier to hide her figure there than in the boys showers at school.

Her run of luck couldn’t continue indefinitely though, luckily it was Christine Lehmann her best friend who discovered her secret. Christine was actually the only person Robyn called a friend and they’d been friends since the age of 7 and in a way it was fitting that she found what out Robyn was doing to her body in their 15th summer.

Christine had walked on in Robyn while she was adjusting the bandages she used to bind her chest. Robyn had been in her house and gone to the bathroom because she felt the binder loosening and had decided to fix it. Her friend became worried when she’d been gone for over fifteen minutes and followed to check up on her.

Robyn while busy fixing her problem hadn’t locked the door and was only alerted to Christine’s presence by the sharp intake of breath her friend made on seeing her naked chest.

“Oh my gosh, Robyn what’s going on?” said a stunned Christine.

Robyn burst into tears thinking that her secret was out and that her only friend would hate her and would tell everyone she was a freak. Her parents would make her stop the hormones and her body would become more masculine.

At that moment she was prepared to die.

“It’s okay Robyn,” she heard Christine gently say before she felt someone wrapping her in a hug.

“This can be fixed,” she heard her friend tell her as she sobbed, “you can be like the other boys,” Christine added.

“I don’t want to be a boy,” whispered Robyn making her friend pull back slightly.

“Why, I don’t get it,” responded Christine slightly confused, her friend wasn’t making any sense.

Struggling to compose herself, Robyn continued, “I’m not a boy,” she told her buddy.

“Yes you are you’re not a girl. I once saw you naked when we were kids you know,” replied Christine.

“No. In my heart I don’t feel like a guy, I don’t see myself as a boy and I don’t want to be a man,” said Robyn quietly.

“Are saying you’re gay?” remarked Christine.

Robyn smiled through the tears.

“I’m not but that would be easier I think. I just want to be a girl ok,” she said simply.

Christine looked at her friend, stunned.

“But, but why?” Christine finally queried.

Robyn sighed, “In my heart I know I should have been born a girl, it’s hard to explain but I don’t see myself as a boy and I wish I could become a girl,” she explained.

“You want to be a girl?” Christine queried, astounded.

Robyn nodded.

“I am a girl, I just want my body to match what I feel inside,” she told her friend.

“Are you serious?” Christine breathed.

“Yeah, I’d rather be dead than become a man,” said Robyn softly.

Christine put her hand to her mouth.

“No,” she whispered.

“Yes. I beg you, please don’t tell a soul, I’ll just die if you do,” said Robyn.

Christine nodded while fighting back tears.

Robyn quickly set about binding her breasts.

“So those breasts, how did you get them?” Christine finally asked.

“I’ve been taking oestrogen to help my body look right. I’ve also been taking testosterone blockers to keep me from becoming like Anthony,” her friend answered.

“You’re taking stuff to turn you into a girl? That could be dangerous,” Christine remarked.

“I know but I’m taking the minimum dosage, it’s the only way I can cope. I’d die if I became big and hairy,” said Robyn softly.

Christine nodded; Robyn was so serious about this. She wondered what to do. She glanced at her friends torso, Robyn looked every inch like a teen girl. Her arms covered her breasts to maintain her modesty while her waist curved in and out just like hers did.

“Don’t tie them up for now I want to see what you look like in some clothes,” Christine said.

Robyn stood there not knowing what to say, it was one her fondest wishes to dress in the right clothes but since she didn’t have a sister to borrow clothes from, was terrified of her mother catching her with hers while buying girls clothes in a house where there was no teen girl was just asking for trouble she forced herself to live in drab, hoping that one day she might get to be herself.

“It’s ok I promise it’ll be our secret,” said Christine.

Trusting in her friend Robyn donned her large t-shirt and followed Christine to her room.

Christine rummaged around her closet before pulling out a flowery summer dress. She glanced at Robyn again before going to her drawer and pulling out a baby blue bra.

Robyn gingerly took off her clothes while Christine turned her back. The bra was a bit confusing but she’d seen her mother put on hers enough times to quickly figure out what to do. Once it was on she stepped into the dress.

“It’s okay to look,” she told her friend.

Christine turned around and let out a loud gasp.

“What?” Robyn asked on seeing the expression on her friend’s face, “I couldn’t zip it, could you help?”

A shocked Christine silently zipped the dress before turning her friend to the mirror.

Robyn was also stunned when she saw the girl looking back. She gasped too and tears streamed down Robyn’s face when she saw her reflection. She was so happy and so sad at the same time, the person in the mirror was the girl she’d felt she was forever and it was such a relief to see her for the first time. Christine was crying too, looking at her friend in girls’ clothes had truly opened her eyes and she realised just what her pal was going through. The idea that she was a girl who had to live her life as a boy was so sad and it broke her heart.

No wonder her friend was on the pills and was usually so sad. It would drive anyone crazy.

“I’m so sorry Robyn, I had no idea,” she murmured.

The two girls embraced and cried for a long moment.

“You’re beautiful,” Christine told her after they’d regained their composure

Robyn shook her head.

“I’m not,” she answered.

“Yes you are I wish I looked half as good as you do,” Christine countered.

Christine’s discovery had probably saved Robyn’s life. Robyn had become miserable at the huge secret she was keeping. Having someone who knew what was going on was a relief, it reduced the strain she was under. This was because Christine provided support for Robyn and allowed her to be the girl she needed to be. She helped Robyn by giving her clothes initially then accompanying her to buy her own.

She taught her how to use makeup and went out with her dressed as a girl. Initially Robyn was terrified of being discovered but Christine told she looked every inch a girl and made sure they went to places unlikely to be visited by kids from school or their families. They talked a lot about what Robyn wanted to do with her life and a lot of other stuff that two teen girlfriends would chat about. In this way the pair grew closer but not in a sexual sense as both of them were into boys and Christine didn’t see Robyn as a boy.

Neither of their families saw anything wrong with their friendship even though it was highly unusual for teens of the opposite sex to be close friends. Christine’s parents were more relaxed around Robyn than around most boys her age probably because they’d known her for ages and Christine had other boys she called her boyfriends.

Robyn’s parents on the other hand were just glad she had someone she called a friend. Having at least one friend made them worry less about their kid being a recluse because when compared to Anthony who had loads of friends she was a loner. Christine was usually the only guest Robyn invited to her birthdays while Fiona and Jim thought Anthony had too many guests at his parties.

Being friends with Christine allowed her a modicum of happiness and it lightened the load she was carrying. It wasn't enough though. Even as she was called up to the stage to receive her diploma she wanted to go to college and stop living a lie. She wasn't sure she could come out while under parent's roof.

To be continued