If you have not read Wine, Women and Ayla Parts 1 and 2 by the talented Whateley writer ElrodW, this story will make NO sense. It's a parody of it as retold after several months.
It's been posted with permission of Elrodw, so big thanks to him. Enjoy.

This is fanfiction, so it has nothing to do with canon, and should not be taken as such. I'm just playing in the sandbox they're nice enough to provide.
**

It was last term, when they had the cooking contest to decide who would get the pretty, nubile, Ayla, the two competitors Addy and Vera, would do anything to win. They'd already had a brawl in Crystal Hall that had sent five students to Doyle, and it took everything she had for the Headmistress to keep them from killing each other in her very office.

Now the stage was set, they had celebrity chef Gordon to judge, and when he went back into the kitchen to see what was to be made, everyone waited tensely to see what he would say.

Ms. Hartford stroked Chef Gordon's manly arm. "This is Adalie Vitesse, one of ..."

Chef Gordon's look of disdain turned to surprise. "Of Vitesse cognacs, by chance?"

Addy blushed prettily, staring in adoration at his rugged good looks. "Oui," she replied softly, licking her lips. "You 'ave 'eard of papa's cognac?"

"Of course," he said, the look of disgust returning ten fold. “Absolute dog piss. Oh well, maybe you can make something of it. What are you preparing today?"

Addy ran away at top speed, a handsome security officer suddenly found himself being hugged quite strongly by a pretty young teenager, who bawled into his shirt. Just as suddenly she was gone, standing once again before the chef, her eyes red, and her lower lip shaking as she fought back still more tears. "For an appetizer, I will make a crème brulee of foie gras with a hint of cognac. My entrée is a beef tenderloin in a cognac-cream sauce, with mashed gold potatoes, and broccolini."

“Well maybe there will be something edible there. What about dessert?”

"A chocolate layer mousse cake with cognac and bittersweet chocolate," Addy replied proudly. "It is one of papa's favorites."

“Oh god, are you trying to get us drunk?” He let out a huge disappointed sigh, muttering about how he would see less alcohol in a pub full of football hooligans.

“I 'ave cooked with cognac all my life. Chef Daphne 'as 'elped me learn 'ow to cook so that the cognac is a subtle addition to the dish, not an overpowering presence,” she insisted.

“Yes, yes, I'm sure your chef Daphne is a wonderful cook, for a cheap, greasy pub that only hangs on because they've managed to destroy any sense of taste among it's patrons,” he sneered evilly. “Ms. Hartford, I've heard enough, who's the other cook?” he asked.

As Ms. Hartford led him to the other side of the kitchen. Addy once more disappeared, gone to hug a very nice looking senior, stroke the arm of another handsome officer, and throw herself into the arms of Hank, where she sobbed on his shoulder for a full minute.

**

“Good afternoon, young lady,” Chef Gordon said so coldly that people throughout Crystal Hall shivered.

"Our other contestant is Primavera Villabianca," Ms. Hartford introduced the girl.

Vera held out her hand for Chef Gordon to kiss. “Of Villabianca Wines. My family prides itself in world-class vintages, that are always of the highest quality. I'm sure that even your British palate will be amazed at how wonderful and amazing it is.

“Oh sod off with the attitude.”

“I am close personal friends with everyone in the royal household of Monaco. And have learned from the best chefs of the royal household. You must respect me,” she said, sticking her nose high into the air.

“Don't put on airs with me girl. I've eaten at the royal household of Monaco, a drunken cafeteria server could make better food than them,” Chef Gordon said.

“How dare you!” she shouted, tossing a tomato at his head.

Somehow they managed to get the two separated before any real damage was done.

**
Vera looked over her fish, tapping them with a fork. They should be soft and flaky, instead the fork bounced back as if it had hit a trampoline, she may possibly have discovered a new type of building material. Looking over at Adelie, she saw the girl zipping around like a bat out of hell doing half a dozen things in the same time it took her to do one.

Gripping her charm bracelet, she unleashed a simple spell.

**

Addy ran to get the cake out of the oven. Things were going really well, and she'd only had to console herself crying on a cute boys shoulder three times.

Opening the oven she was thrown across the kitchen by a fireball, that burned away her eyebrows and most of her shirt. Grabbing an apron to cover herself, she saw Vera laughing.

This meant war.

**

With her peasant born competitor suitably brought down to the proper level, things were starting to go Vera's way. Bringing the butter and wine sauce to the fish she was quite confident that things would go her way. She never noticed the breeze that suddenly rose up, or the olive oil that mysteriously appeared underfoot.

“AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!” she screamed, as her foot went up in the air, along with the sauce. Landing on her back, she brought her hands up to keep the pan from hitting her face, but the wine and butter sauce covered her. With the olive oil and the sauce soaking her clothes, hands and feet, she tried to get to her feet only to fall on her knees, spreading the oil even more. Reaching for the counter, she started to carefully pull herself up, only to knock over a container of flour, coating herself in the white powder.

Blowing out a cloud of flour, she grabbed another charm.

**

Addy took a sip of cognac to steady her nerves, this was harder than she had thought it would be. Was tenderloin suppose to be this pink?

She was so busy poking and prodding the meat, she never saw the oils, sauces and spices rise up into the air behind her, turning into a golem like thing. When it grabbed her from behind, she gave a squeal of delight. “Oh what big strong arms you 'ave. 'ave you come to ravish me?”

Then it ate her.

**

“I'm not a cook, but shouldn't she be eating the food, not the food eating her?” Ms. Carson asked.

Chef Gordon hid his face in his hands. “God. Maybe the food will know how to cook better than those two.”

“Well, that's one trouble maker out of the way. I wonder if I can convince Team Kimba to start cooking?” Ms. Hartford mused to herself.

**

“That will teach you to mock someone destined to serve in the royal household of Monaco. Stupid little peasant girl. I stick out my tongue at you. NYAH!!!” Vera shouted.

Unseen by Vera, the golem started to spin, building up speed until it was spinning like a top knocking over counters, battering stoves, and sending bits of itself flying into the watching audience. When it finally stopped, Addy was standing there, her clothes ruined and sticking to her body as if they were painted on.

She grabbed the nearest things to her, two croissants and ran at Vera waving them in the air like tomahawks. Vera forewarned by a war cry, grabbed a chocolate baguette and holding it like a sword met the attack head on.

The students and faculty fled, as the two maniacs fought it out with their bread. Spice, condiments, and vegetables flew through the air, tables were overturned as each one sought an advantage. The crowd watched in awe outside as ketchup and mustard covered the crystal walls, and the steel began to melt from the intense fury.

Than the impossible happened and Crystal Hall collapsed, leaving Vera and Addy standing there, stained, battered, marinated and half baked.

Ayla looked on in horror, “What about my food!” she moaned.

Addy looked at the chaos and her beloved crying, and threw herself into the arms of a handsome security officer, consoling herself on his shoulder.

Vera threw what was left of her baguette at Addy, screaming that the royal household of Monaco would hear about this outrage.

Ms. Carson looked at the ruin, and screamed. “You two! I want this mess cleaned up by breakfast tomorrow! Or you're both expelled!”

**

Teri stood in the middle of the table, as her friends looked at her with looks ranging from amused disbelief to painful disbelief. “And that is exactly what happened, every word of it is true.”

“Uh huh. You weren't here last year, so how do you know?” Serena asked.

“I heard it from a good authority,” she insisted.

There was a polite cough, and Teri turned around to look up at Vera and Addy. “Oh hi, I was just talking about you,” she said.

“We 'eard. We would like to 'ave a word with you,” Addy said, not looking very happy for some reason.

“Well, uh, you see, um. Yes. I think we need to ta- Squirrel!” Teri screamed pointing off to the side, as she took to the air and flew away at top speed.

Vera and Addy were right on her tail.