In my defense, let me state this as a matter of public record. I am not evil, or immoral. I am not a plotting spider at the center of a large web, laughing as I lead others to ruin. I was just really, really stupid. And greedy. And lonely. And I'm just going to shut up about that now before I dig myself in further. Let me just restart this. I won't delete what I've written, as it is important. But I'm not a pro at this, and I'm getting ahead of myself. So let me try and tell the tale as it happened, and let the chips fall where they may.

….......

Alright, so I was just finding out what every young adult whose ever come before me has ever known. Work sucks. To be fair, I had done work before. I'd been working since sixteen, the odd burger joint job, pizza delivery, construction work one summer best left forgotten... I was no stranger to the part time job market, and entry level Hell.

But after college, entering the work force for real in your chosen career, wearing a suit complete with tie and jacket in order to fix computers that should probably be put down like old yeller (they still used windows 3.1 compatible machines, for chrissakes!)...Yeah. Twelve hours of that, on my first day, working overtime when some line jockey fried a CPU older than I was by typing the wrong command codes like an untrained monkey, and it needed replacing... work sucked. Half the time spent on that had been trying to find a compatible CPU.

And of course, no overtime for any of that, since it was my first day and I was salary in some vague way that made no sense to anyone sane. My new boss had been quite clear on that. I hadn't even gotten a thank you. One long hot bus ride later, I was standing in front of the convenience store a block from my tiny apartment.

And I was hallucinating.

Not a foot from the automatic door, appearing to set it off in fact, was some sort of creature I'd never dreamed existed. Admittedly my school wasn't the best, but I'd studied and taken some biology in college. It looked like a rabbit, but the ears were all wrong... they were huge and shared as much in common with a feline as lupine. They were catlike. And that puffball tail was all wrong; it was far too big. And it was blue, a sort of charcoal gray with white ventral fur, with light blue eyes which seemed to swirl. And it was standing on it's hind legs, crinkling it's little bunny nose at me and cocking it's head as if it had every right to be upright. Someone must have slipped me something somehow.

At least two people went by, eying the door curiously as they went through, no doubt wondering why it stayed open when I wasn't triggering it. Those on the way out, eyed me. Then the thing spoke, and I knew I'd gone insane.

“Hello.”

It waved a strange paw at me. What could I do? I could ignore it, or feed the delusion. Or drug inspired hallucination. Something. Maybe I had picked it up on the bus ride home? I could have picked up all kinds of things from the homeless looking guy that was next to me on the hour long ride home. Whatever; I'd detox and see what happened. But for now I was hungry. I waved back and went inside. Whatever it was didn't follow.

Let's see... month old hot dogs in one of those conveyer cookers, month old unfrozen burritos I could microwave, small TV dinner like things, day old pizza, and week old sandwiches. Not much of a selection. And there, among the dross like a diamond sparkling from a pile of feces, was a sandwich... a ham on rye. Marked with today's date, and not eaten yet. I double checked; my eyes had recently taken up lying to me. The date was right, and didn't squiggle itself around or go technicolor.

I grabbed it before the guy that just walked up could, a mechanic who shot me a dirty look. I felt bad for him, but this was my find! I probably shouldn't hold it to my chest as if it were the holy grail though. I snagged some chips and a snapple on my way to check out; have to make some attempt to eat healthy or I might end up like my old man. The line moved fast, and I was back out among the waning light and deepening shadows.

The bunny thing was still there, beady eyes for me and no one else. I walked past it. Nothing else seemed tinged toward the insane; cars going by were still cars, the roads were still straight, everything was the color it was supposed to be. That woman had to be a street walker....

And I was perpetually broke. Not to mention worried about diseases. Sigh. I continued past, chewing as I walked, and avoiding eye contact. Forever alone, always alone. I wasn't attractive enough. I wasn't geeky enough to interest the nerd girls, wasn't buff and jock enough for the cheerleader types, and wasn't rich enough to pay, or to attract those looking for a sugar daddy. Those last two would be my best bet later in life. If I could just get through this job, which felt like it was sucking out my soul... in only one day. Only forty more years of that!

My apartment was one of a series of small cottages, built like certain types of motels, which it may have been at one time. I preferred not to think about that; I'd used three bottles of bleach moving in. The entire thing was one room, with 'areas': a kitchenette, a bedroom, living area, laundry room. Only the bathroom had walls around it. I'd just reached my door when I heard a throat clearing behind me.

The rabbit thing had followed me. It was back in the same position I'd seen it, and it now knows where I live. If this thing wasn't a hallucination, if it did in fact belong in my reality somehow... dread drained the heat from me. Something about this was wrong; very wrong. Again, it spoke.

“Hello, Ian Geru.”

And it waved that same paw again.

I guess as my hallucination, I shouldn't be surprised that it knew my name. But it did. No one was around; time to play it cool.

“That's right, I know you?”

It shook it's head much as a human might, something I thought was impossible for an animal put together like a rabbit should be. Perhaps the neck was that of a cat? But it moved it's neck in the human way, not the cat way....

“You do not, Ian. But I do know you. Ian Geru, aged 21.4 years, male, graduate of Millton Community College, grade point average 3.5. A classic underachiever, son of Brenda and Gerald Geru, blood type O negative, and virgin. Might I call you Ian?”

It crinkled it's nose at me again.

Of course as a drug induced figment of my imagination, he knew all about me, but it was still a bit shocking to hear it all said like that.

“Sure, why not? And who are you?”

“My name is Hoshiko. I have come to you today with a unique offer.”

I managed to slot my key in the lock and get my door open. As soon as it was open the little creature bolted inside.

“Thank you for your invitation.”

I entered behind him to find him pawing through my things, my old boxed models specifically. Staring at my old Zentraedi cruiser before throwing it casually aside. I winced when it bounced, but it appears to have survived.

“So, what unique offer are you, um, offering?”

A battlepod followed it's ship home on the floor before it? He? Turned back to me and cleared his throat, puffing himself up and droning as if by rote.

“On behalf of the galactic federation, I am hear to offer you a wish; your heart's desire.”

Well this was an interesting turn for a hallucination to take. I checked the models; they were fine, thankfully. I put them out of this things reach, along with the others, and when I turned around, he was in my anime DVD collection.

“Oh? Why me?”

It turned back to me and said with utmost sincerity:

“You share all of the qualifications we look for in our recipients. This wish is not without cost; you must do something for us in exchange.”

I asked what I felt was the next logical question.

“Like what?”

“I am not currently at liberty to say. I can only divulge that information when you agree to the terms.”

Legalese, the bane of my existence. My mind sucked.

“And what are those terms?”

The creature moved on to my regular movies now.

“That you must not tell anyone of my existence, or of the wish you made, or it's ramifications. That is the only stipulation.”

Hmm. Monkey's paw thing maybe?

“So, can I wish for a million dollars and just pay you back, or will you go rob some poor millionaire?”

I wouldn't wish for a million, I'd wish for a billion. A mere million dollars just wouldn't go far anymore.

“Oh! Oh no, you misunderstand me, Ian Geru. Your wish is specific.”

I waited a loaded moment before finally realizing he wasn't going to tell me unless I asked.

“Well, what is it?”

“Help in your love efforts of course. How would you like to meet the girl of your dreams? The girl you could spend the rest of your life with? Meet her without any awkwardness inspired by differences in social standing, or compatibility? And meet her knowing that she feels the same about you, as you do her?”

What? My mind was sick. Even more twisted than I thought before, because what it was offering... it was a punch in the gut. Or the nads. I was so lonely. I found my voice, struck by the absurdity of responding vocally to a figment of my imagination.

“Y..Yes. That would be good. What are you, some sort of cupid?”

It... he, cocked his head for a moment, considering.

“I suppose I could be considered such. A magical match making service is an apt analogy, though I do not fly or use a bow. Also included in your wish is a better job, and increased popularity. There are other positive effects as well, but they cannot be properly codified.”

You actually could burst out in a cold sweat; strange. This just wasn't right; I was being taunted with everything that I lacked; everything that made my life suck by it's absence. This was rapidly getting into the 'not funny anymore' range.

“And who would I have to kill for all this? I won't murder people for your organization, or federation, or whatever it is.”

Even if I was seeing things, I wouldn't go the way of Gacy or Son of Sam. I didn't doubt my sanity, but if voices in my head told me to kill, I'd check myself into the nearest mental hospital and not leave until the creature did.

Hoshiko muttered something about 'always murder', then responded more clearly.

“You will not need to murder or kill any humans in order to pay for this wish. You will not need to commit any felonies in order to pay for this wish, in fact.”

Well back into the less squicky areas of my psyche, then.

“But you won't tell me what I need to do?”

“I cannot unless you agree to the terms involved in the wish. It is a confidential matter.”

“But not an illegal one?”

The creature Hoshiko shook his head, making his ears flop.

“Incorrect. The repayment may in fact require the commission of misdemeanors.”

So I'd have to break the law, and do what? Vandalism? Petty theft?

I couldn't believe I was even entertaining this. Oh well, it was more entertaining than the book I usually read myself to sleep with. I was too poor for TV or internet at the moment. And after the beating my psyche was taking from this drug delusion, I could definitely use the internet. Or a cold shower. One or the other, really.

“So what kinds of misdemeanors?”

“The use of misdemeanors is optional. We do not require it, only that the will to commit such acts when deemed necessary exist.

“So I don't have to hurt other people?”

Hoshiko's eyes flashed.

“It is not required. You are free to do so if you desire, but such acts might compromise your ability to repay us. Situations such as that should be avoided if at all possible.”

Heh. Odd, the crazy figment should know I was law abiding; almost painfully so. It continued.

“So would this offer be of interest to you?”

The creature seemed strangely intent all of a sudden, turning from my scattered movies with an intent look that, even on something so small and defenseless, gave me pause.

“What are you, anyway? Some kind of demon?”

Just like that, whatever tension there was broke. The thing started wheezing. Was that laughter?

“Of course not. I am a cabbit.”

What?

“What the fuck is a cabbit?”

I could swear the creature winced.

“Please do not use foul language in my presence. A cabbit is a hybrid of cat and rabbit made popular in some forms of media on your plant. It is unusual that you do not know this.”

Well I couldn't argue that. I felt like I should recognize this critter from somewhere, it did tickle my memory... but then, it should, since it was from my subconscious. I'm not sure what it said about me that I didn't directly recognize something from my own head.

“How do I know you're telling the truth?”

The cabbit pondered that.

“I suppose you do not, until I show proof of intent. I do not lie; I am incapable of it. Proof will be supplied when I deliver on your wish, would you not agree?”

Well, would it? Wasn't he, Hoshiko, the cabbit, just offering to play matchmaker? Would that be something obvious? Well given my life and lifestyle, probably. Any woman in my life would be amazing. One not pointing at me and laughing would be a miracle.

Why was I even entertaining this like it was something worthy of thought? I was hallucinating. Either I'd been slipped drugs as part of some bizarre hazing, or my brain had burst a blood vessel or something similar. And at this point, even death by cerebral hemorrhage didn't sound half bad. I was simply too tired to care. My dad had told me at 10 that magic was all bullshit. That dreams died, fantasies withered, and all of it was a lie. He did that to get me to stop playing magic: the gathering, I knew that now. But the basic point stuck with me. Why not give the hallucination a chance to prove that wrong? After all, if it was, I was the only one getting hurt, and if not... oh, if not....

“You know what Hoshiko? Sure, I'll do it. Sign me up for my wish. But if you've lied to me and want me to become a hit-man or something, I won't do it.”

Hoshiko nodded and hopped forward, speaking the next part as if by rote from a teleprompter.

“Your assent and qualifier is duly noted. Now, as part of the service, please tell me about the girl of your dreams. What is she like? What are her interests? Her abilities? Her past? Her physical description?”

I had some beer in my fifty year old barrel shaped pea soup green fridge, so I went for it. I had been saving it for a special occasion; even though it was cheap, I couldn't replace it. But I needed one now. It was a Coors, which meant it really wasn't much; it and about nine more of it's kind might give me a buzz. I heaved myself into my broken couch, and Hoshiko jumped up next to me, waiting with a measure of impatience as I ordered my thoughts.

“Well, ideally, she will be cool, calm, and collected. Smarter than I am, with better focus. She will know what she wants out of life. Her abilities and past can be anything, I'm not that picky. It might be nice if she was more athletic than I was, but it's not mandatory. But where you're going to find a woman like that who would like me, is anyone's guess.”

“I am good at my task, Ian. I already have the first candidates in mind.”

“Oh really? Got them on speed dial on your cellphone?”

I'd almost asked if he had them digits, but I didn't think he'd get the joke, and wanted to play nice. Playing nice with the voices in my head; I'd had a truly miserable day. I stared at the half empty Coors can.

“Say, can you change this into something stronger? A liquor like say, tequila?”

“I can, would you like me to? As an addition to your wish?”

Whoa, that was how they got you. Retro me, voice in my head.

“No, I'd like you just to do me a favor. You already have me for the wish, remember?”

Hoshiko sat deathly still for a long moment. I could see his eyes flash something, but it was so fast I couldn't make sense of it. When he finally replied I almost dropped my beer; my eyes had been closing against their will.

“That is agreeable. I cannot do tequila, but I can do a form of rum. Would that be acceptable?”

“Yes that'll work. Thank you.”

He stared at the can. His nod was my cue, and I took a cautious sip. It still tasted like Coors to me.

“Now Ian, quickly. Please tell me, what about the last question? What are the physical parameters of your dream girl?”

Whoops. Now here was where I became a hypocrite. I wanted my match to be hot. Like smoking hot, model hot, actress hot. And this would be the deal-breaker, even for the wish genie creature. Heck, this might just be the key to popping this delusion once and for all, no matter how much having a weird hallucination tell me I was stupid for demanding perfection would be. I downed the rest of the beer before biting the bullet.

“Well, again ideally here, she would be beautiful. The more beautiful the better. Hmm, not as tall as me, I kind of consider that a turn-off. Thin, decently muscled but not a bodybuilder, I prefer long hair.”

My vision narrowed, with darkness around the edges all at once. I heard the can bounce off the floor, though it seemed from far away, but Hoshiko's voice was clear as a bell and his face filled my vision.

“And? We don't have much time left Ian, what about her figure?”

I tried to illustrate but my hands wouldn't move; Had my brain actually blown a gasket after all? I had to settle for speech that was uncomfortably slurred.

“Hourglass shape, of course. Stacked.”

He nodded emphatically as my body, all of it, began this slow thundering tingle as if it were asleep.

“Done! You shall see your dream girl when you wake.”