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I just want to vent and whine and cry a little if that's okay with others. I've seen others do it, so I figured maybe it will be therapeutic and I will feel better afterwards. If not, I can try to kill myself with Rocky Road Ice Cream and see if I can fall into an ice cream induced coma (one step past brain freeze).
I am an interest mix of paradoxes. I don't think people realize that and sometimes it is difficult to form a kind of cohesion to make everything fit. Sometimes it leads to doubt, sometimes it leads to self-hatred, and a few times it has led to self harm.
For one, I am transgender and a right-winged conservative Christian. It's an interesting place to be. For a long time I thought one was opposed to the other and life was going to be an endless war until I died and got sent to hell. I no longer see them as enemies. I see the two as companions that can co-exist in a wonderful and peaceful way. But I find that I am hated on both sides because of two of the major things that define who I am. Because I am a right-winged Christian - people have told me that makes me the worst kind of transgender. Because I am Transgender - people have told me that makes me the worst kind of Christian.
Though I put on a tough exterior, I don't want to be hated by anyone. But it seems lately that I am hated by almost everyone, even when I think I'm doing what I feel is right. I get hate mail, I get hate messages, and I'm pretty well aware of the things that are said behind my back.
Maybe I am a bad person. It's the general consensus. Maybe I really am a complete fuck and someone should hunt me like a dog and put two slugs in my skull. I don't mean to be. I want to be helpful and friendly and honest and warm, but I guess that doesn't come across and I guess what I feel the most is alone. A lot of my problem is morphology. I got a major problem. I don't know if it's because I was isolated a lot as a child (My mom would lock me in the house and go to the bar when I was an infant) or that I've always had kind of a hearing/speech problem (Took me years to understand that they were called pot pies and not Popeys (like the sailor)), but i've always have had trouble conveying my message to others. It's odd that I'm a writer, but I guess that's another paradox.
I understand that I've made mistakes. It just seems that any time I do they seem to be the worse kind imaginable and people refuse to forgive me. I think that's my life. I am an evil person, people must realize it, and I suffer because of it. I'm tired of suffering.
Comments
You're not evil, Katie.
I can't say I agree with you about many things, and we've butted heads on occasion in the past, but you aren't evil, nor do you deserve suffering, or pain, or any other kind of punishment just for being who you are.
If people don't like you? Screw 'em. You shouldn't have to change who you are or what you believe just to fit in and get others to appreciate you. Basic politeness and social finesse? Sure, those are great. But if it comes down to a choice between being liked or being true to yourself, the latter should always, ALWAYS, come first. The people who WILL like you for who you are can only find you when they can see who you really are.
If people think you're wrong? Screw 'em. It pays to learn the reasoning behind others' decisions and feelings, and you should always seek to try and grasp why they feel that way -- even if you don't agree -- but by no means should you feel guilty for not holding the same values as someone else. Most opinions and viewpoints have valid reasons to be held or disliked, and just as many false arguments for holding them or hating them. Feel how you feel.
You are your own person, Katie, and have the right to be happy on your own terms. If someone else decides they want to hate you, or berate you, or anything else because you're being true to yourself, then again, screw 'em. They're not worth your time.
Unless it's me, 'cause I'm always right and hold the only correct moral, ethical, financial, and fashion views in the entire universe.
Melanie E.
thanks Melanie
The last paragraph made me smile. I try not to think that my way is the only way. My way is the only way that works for me, but it might not work for others. I don't mind being educated or hearing opposing opinions, but so often it gets down to you're wrong, I'm right, deal with it, without explaining anything. There are a lot I don't agree with from Transradical activist, but that doesn't mean I can't be swayed if things are explained to me. But it seems most want to be adversarial and I've learned education doesn't work that way. I have different views now than I did 10 years ago and I suppose I will have different views 10 years from now. Maybe not radically different, but opinions and knowledge evolves.
Katie Leone (Katie-Leone.com)
Writing is what you do when you put pen to paper, being an author is what you do when you bring words to life
Agreed, a lot of people want to "educate"
without actually understanding both sides of an argument, or worse, being unwilling to hear the opposing views and the reasons behind them at all. Understanding is a two-way street, though it seems in this case people keep refusing to read the signs and ignore the lines on the pavement.
The best you can do is to try to understand. That doesn't mean you have to agree, or even embrace, but understanding why others feel the way they do if nothing else can allow you to feel greater comfort in the reasons you hold your own viewpoints.
'Sides, most of the people who want to tell you how to think rather than being willing to share thoughts and ideas mutually are simple-minded neanderthals who aren't worth the air they breathe, and can be pretty safely ignored. Unless, you know, you're in a bar or an alley or they have a gun or something, but that's a different story entirely.
And I'm glad the last paragraph made you laugh!
Melanie E.
I am in a similar boat
so much so that because i dont "bow down to their obviously superior intellect" i am a bad person. i believe what i believe, you want me to change you have to show me something NOT written by some hack with obvious intentions, and when i give several different sources, some "neutral" and they just ignore them, shows they are NOT open to change, only forcing others to think like they do. thats fine. then complain because they HAVE to see whats on MY wall? sorry i am christian, i am NOT offended by those posts, all you have to do is turn off notifications to my wall. blocking me is just childish and shows the level of REAL intellect we are dealing with.
we all make "bad to real bad" mistakes. when i was younger and trying to "be like the other guys (and this was when i was still repressing everything so why i wasnt like them wasnt apparent to me at the time) i made LOTS of mistakes, trying to act macho, etc. i have lost friends from some of those mistakes, i could never relate to that "guy" point of view. i just kept going, but kept getting more and more introverted.
if someone is not willing to forgive a mistake, that is THEIR issue not yours. if you have tried to show sincere remorse, its on them, not you
Teresa L.
Teresa L.
You are not alone...
Katie, You are not evil in any sense of the word. I am a born again Christian, and have been since I was 16 (I'm 58 now). I can truly say that my beliefs and understanding have changed since then. I am also transgender, through no choice of my own. This is God's choice for my life, just as it is for yours. I knew at the age of 16 that God refuses to force anyone to follow His way, so it stands to reason that He has never given that right to anyone else. All too often people misinterpret His word and if anyone challenges that belief they are offended and lash out. That is what these people are doing, they are lashing out at you because they are insecure whenever someone thinks differently than they do, whether their thinking is correct or not, most often they are wrong at least in part and God does not condone their actions.
God has given everyone the right of freedom of choice (except the angelic beings, they have the ability to think freely but do not have the right to chose between good and evil - they will never be forgiven because they know better) and that's why God will forgive us when we make bad decisions and ask him to forgive us. That's why He requires faith from us. Remember this: NO two people will EVER agree 100% on everything. We are all entitled to our opinions whether they are correct or outrageously wrong. There are people who love you and care about you. Melanie E is right, the people who don't want to be your friend don't have to, but it is their loss - screw them and their opinions they don't matter. The only thing that does matter (in the end) is whether or not you are living your life according to what God has shown you. Thirty years ago I thought that being transgender was a sin and I fought it but could never win for very long. Now, I know that God does not call being transgender a sin, it is His provision for us and therefore a blessing. Just because there are so many bigots, hypocrites, and haters does NOT mean they are correct (many of them are so called Christians, and many other religions also) BUT their understanding of what is God's will does NOT make it God's will, only their own (mis)interpretation.
So I will say it again - YOU ARE NOT EVIL, NOR A BAD PERSON! We ALL make mistakes and I for one (of many) do forgive you of any mistakes you've made. The worst mistake imaginable? I doubt that, unless you knowingly and deliberately did something like raped some child, you are nowhere near as bad as you are thinking right now.
I hope and pray that your day ends better and that you see own worth, you are valuable and important the way you are.
Hugs,
Erin G <3
The opinions of ohers
A while back you and I had a heated discussion about opinions,ti gave me an interesting out look about others and their opinions . So Katie as I have told others , opinions are like butt holes, everyone has one & they all smell bad. so I think you should do as you please, and the hell with other's opinions...
Hang in there Kid it will get better
worked for me
thanks
I'm glad that we worked things out and are able to communicate. Thanks for the words of encouragement.
Katie Leone (Katie-Leone.com)
Writing is what you do when you put pen to paper, being an author is what you do when you bring words to life
I disagree
Evil? Hell no. Horribly misguided? Absolutely. I once believed like you did, then I saw how the Right wing sought to turn the US into the third Crusades. Don't believe me, let's look at their track record. They want to the ability to marry to be taken away from people who do not share their beliefs. They want to control the US with money, power, and their twisted version of religion. They want to oppress Minorities and make it harder for anyone who doesn't conform.
I used to be a Christian till I discovered it wasn't right for me, and I was one of the toughest ones out there. I fought and fought and said "Look Christianity you can accept Trans people, just not X people." I was a hypocrite because of this. I literally thought that it was okay to be trans but not okay to be LGB, which is bullshit but people will believe whatever hate filled agenda they want.
I was raised in a cult that was essentially like West boro baptist church lite. It wasn't as bad as them but it was DAMN close and I BELIEVED it. I believed EVERYTHING they told me ignoring even scientific proof that proved otherwise on certain things. What changed for me? I was thrown out onto the streets by this same "loving" religion. The only people that came to my aid was the LGBT. They took me in their homes and taught me to survive, 3 trans women and one trans man and his wife. They are the reason I'm alive today or I'd have been killed. (Literally had a guy pull a knife on me but I escaped because of the street smarts they taught me)
I do not think you are an evil person, I think you are passionate, that you want to believe in what you believe and that's fine. But don't drag everyone else around you down like the other republicans do. The Right wing seeks to make our lives hell, not just LGBT, but us as People of Color, they even oppress Cis Women though AMAB (assigned male at birth) Non-Cis people are oppressed the worst. With People of color Non-Cis AMAB being the absolute worst.
You can be a republican if you want, I don't care, just realize what it is exactly you are subscribing to. And if you choose to remain a Christian, that's awesome but for some of us we don't want to be Christian or want anything to do with that Religion that has caused us so much pain.
I get you've been harassed for that, and I believe I may have been part of that and I apologize for that. That was shitty of me, you can believe whatever religion you want. Just realize nearly 90% of Christian Religions hate LGBT people like yourself, my suggestion is for you to find a Church that accepts everyone. A place where you really feel the love of Jesus and God. But don't try to convert anymore, if someone shows interest feel free to tell them about Jesus but for those of us who want NOTHING to do with the Judeo Christian belief system. Don't try to impose it on us. I just say if you want to believe a Zombie Lich died for your sins, that's fine. But I want nothing to do with it.
Christianity ruined my life, so I have a greater hatred for it than most people. But I recognize that there ARE good Christians. Just... quite a few are hate filled misguided peoples.
Anyway, I wish you luck on your journey of self discovery, may you find peace.
I know who I am, I am me, and I like me ^^
Transgender, Gamer, Little, Princess, Therian and proud :D
Zombie Lich is redundant
Though the idea of the King of the Jews as a Dungeons and Dragons style Lich does tickle my funnybone :P
Melanie E.
Am I using the wrong term?
Maybe I am using the wrong term when I describe myself as a Christian or even a conservative Christian. When I use that term I am trying to get across the fact that I am one who tries to live and abide by the teachings of Jesus (and others) that appear in the Bible.
Jesus taught many wonderful things. To love, to forgive, to have mercy. Those are the things that I try to embrace. I'm not saying I've perfected anything, but that's the model I aspire to.
These people who say they are Christians and preach condemnation, I'm not too sure about. I think we hold a good portion of theology in common, but perhaps differ in some key areas.
When I lived in New York, I remember doing street preaching with a church. They would get up and tell everyone how they were going to hell if they didn't accept Jesus as their one true Lord. That rubbed me the wrong way. It made me uncomfortable. When it was my time to speak, I never said anything about hell or condemnation, but preached about how Jesus loved them, how he wanted to make them whole. That is the Christianity I espouse to.
Also, I went to an ultra conservative Christian college. Pensacola Christian college. It was a school where guys and girls had separate elevators and stairwells (I wish I was making this up). It was there I was told I wasn't a good Christian because I listened to contemporary Christian music (at the time it was groups like 4him and artist like Ray Boltz (who is gay)). I thought there reasoning flawed and was not that far right.
So that gets me thinking I'm using the term Christian incorrectly. (Honestly, I think I'm using it correctly and some of these quacks should call themselves Pharisees).
I have an interesting view on Christianity. It's called personal revelation. I think God allows certain people to be convicted that certain actions are sin for their own good. For example, I have always been convicted about having a lot of sexual partners (or the over indulgence of). My thought is I have this conviction for my own good. Perhaps I would be prone for risky behavior or the inability to form close bonds if I had sex with anything that moved. Some people may have convictions for other things, but still, for their own good. Just because I'm convicted about not hurting people doesn't mean the person who joins the military should abide by how I feel. I hope that makes sense.
Also, I try not to condemn unless I think the person is hurting others and themselves. Perhaps condemn isn't the right word. But I generally turn the other cheek and let others define life for themselves. I don't care if a person is straight or lgb (I'm bi, for those who keep spreading rumors otherwise). It is their conviction that matters and it isn't between me and them.
I think my push for combining trans and christianity is that for the longest time I thought they were opposed but was able to see past the lies (as I saw them, let's not make a religious debate). Will the staunch pharisee ever accept transgender people. Probably not. But in my heart, and I really believe this, most people don't want to be judgmental pricks, but they have people they trust feeding them bullshit and they don't know any better.
I hope that explains it a little bit, or maybe you can show me a better way to define myself than I've come up with.
Katie Leone (Katie-Leone.com)
Writing is what you do when you put pen to paper, being an author is what you do when you bring words to life
You're not evil Katie.....
You're just an oxymoron. I should know as I am as well.
Like you, I am a conservative - although I believe that I am probably more moderate than you. I don't identify myself as a right wing Christian; I am a Christian, but I am not really into organized religions. I've seen too much violence in the name of religion, and too many perversions of faith by the so-called men of God. I am also not a typical right wing conservative.
I am a fiscal conservative, but a social moderate. I don't agree with most fanatical liberals, but I am the person who would stand up and defend their right to their beliefs and to say whatever they want. I believe that everyone should have the right to say or do whatever they want - right up to the point where they begin to harm someone else. That's where I step in and say enough.
And yeah, if I can put up with Melanie's liberal beliefs then I must be a saint, lol.
Sorry sis - I couldn't resist!
Dallas
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
Well, given the responses I
Well, given the responses I gather I'm not the only one who appreciates you. As for the trans and RW Christian... questions of Faith are for you and you alone. If it makes you a better person then people can just STFU. Faith and reason can work hand in hand but they don't always. You are who you are and that is good enough for me. I think you are an awesome and amazing person but that's only my 2 cents worth. For my part I am glad we know each other.
As for wrong... you don't like Sauerkraut and Chocolate Milk in the same meal, do you? Because that's wrong.
Heather
We are the change that will save the world.
One needs inner peace in one's life.
It's odd that I'm a writer, but I guess that's another paradox.
Actually, it makes perfect sense. Because, being a writing allows you to express yourself, without possible interrupt, in misunderstanding, that verbal can bring.
From what I have learned, especially here on Big Closet, is the one of the points of the transgender spectrum is that people cannot be fitted into one or two boxes. And to do so is an act of foolishness.
So, you are conservative.
There are some good reasons to be conservative. Conservatives support gun ownership and self-defense laws. Both of which any transgendered person should understand and use to helped protect their self.
Though, there are some good reasons to be liberal. Liberals are more for freedom of personal expression.
I personally know of intolerant liberals, and I personally know of intolerant conservatives.
Every group has its share of jerks. The key is not to judge those groups by those jerks.
And you do not need a church to worship god. Any quiet space will do.
As such, you should try to find a place and environment, where you can have some inner peace. And if those around you condone such insults towards you, such for a different group of people to be with.
What is the point of worrying about going to hell, if you are already in hell in your personal life. So, you have nothing to lose by trying to find some inner peace. And I wish you luck in doing so.
I hope you have a nice day.
Subjectivity vs. Objectivity
Let me start out by saying that - to me - words like good and evil are meaningless. We as humans are simply not equipped to understand the difference between good and evil. They have no objective definition. Thus, one person's evil can easily be another person's good. "All deeds done by man is made to promote good."
Stating that someone is evil, or good for that matter, is at best a subjective interpretation. At worst it may even - due to misunderstood intentions - be the opposite.
As an extreme example (Sophistic in nature) Is AIDS a good thing or a bad thing. It kills people so it must be bad, but it reduces overpopulation. This way fewer children will die from hunger in the future. (Cynical, I know)
In short, stating that something or someone is evil is a waste of breath.
This lack of a knowing the difference between good and evil was what made me decide to become a religious person. Since I am clearly incapable of knowing the difference, there must be some way of reconciling this paradox, some way of seeing and understanding the world around me which I am unequipped to see. To me, the being who can reconcile this paradox and numerous others I've found later is God.
Next I stumbled upon John 14:2 (In my Father's house are many mansions) which led me to believe there is not a singular one way to serve God. There are many. This openness and acceptance of many ways to serve God led me to Christianity, more precisely Protestantism.
My religion and my actions are a matter directly between me and my God and no one else.
To me the most fundamental teaching of Jesus is: You must love God and your fellow man as much as you love yourself.
To me this is - since I don't really know the difference - the only reasonable way to weigh my actions against good and evil.
This fundamental teaching about loving God and my fellow man must be incorporated into everything, including my interpretations of the Bible. "Eye for an eye", sure, it is the law, but remember the fundamental teaching. "The ten commandments", same thing.
So in my opinion I am a fundamentalist conservative cristian.
What I'm trying to illustrate is that, just like good vs. evil. There is no good definition for "conservative Christian". So when you meet other conservative Christians, they might - and probably will - disagree with you. Because you are not aligned in the definition of what it means to be Christian, let alone a conservative one.
I'm a foreigner, so please forgive my lack of understanding American politics, but .. (there had to be a 'but' coming). It seems that there isn't one right wing in the US but at least two. Libertarians and classic Republican. So again, we are stuck with this pestering lack of objective definition.
Since neither side of the argument have clear definitions for what they are talking about, reasoning between the differing views is doomed to failure. There are three options:
1) Mutually come to an agreement on how to define the terms being discussed, and then progress from there.
2) Abandon the discussion.
3) Resort to name calling.
So, what I'm saying like so many others here is: Be yourself, and unless someone you respect a lot calls you names, ignore it, they are probably exercising option three above.
Thanks
Thanks for the support. I know I won't see eye to eye with everyone and I think illness and some psychological pressure has been wearing me down lately. These things always run in cycles. I'll be top of the world in a day or two. As for now, it's time for a nap. Monday I go to the hospital and hopefully things will be fixed.
Katie Leone (Katie-Leone.com)
Writing is what you do when you put pen to paper, being an author is what you do when you bring words to life