On the ride to L.A. I reflected on how ...natural and comfortable I was being Jodie, ...or Olive ...or even Juanita. Many names, same girl..... same ….me. It was now Jody... or Joseph Junior... or Cadet O'Donnell that seemed like the fiction... or a biography I'd read. I remembered events from his life, but not viscerally. All the recollections were in my head... but none of them any longer lived in my heart.

I wanted a fresh start and a new outlook, and I thought about that old adage about 'be careful what you wish for'. I got way more than I bargained for, but I wasn't unhappy. In fact I was surprised to find that I was more ...comfortable... in my own skin than I had ever been. I don't know if that was leaving behind my old life trying to live up the expectations of others and taking up with this band of free spirits just embracing the moment, or if it had more to do with leaving Cadet Joe O'Donnell Jr behind and embracing the idea of Olive Bracco. However randomly it happened, I liked the idea of being Olive more every day. After my conversation with N'Atapwe and learning to hear and trust my own inner voice, I was certain the universe was trying to tell me something, and I was trying hard to pay attention and get the message right.

I thought I had seen cities before, but nothing prepared me for Los Angeles. I think what surprised me most about it was its ...sprawl. It was like a giant quilt of all these smaller communities like cells of a giant organism that were all codependent on each other.

West Hollywood was not what I expected from the name. We were squeezed in between the posh mansions of Beverley Hills and the working studio lots of Hollywood proper. I didn't see any movie stars. At least any current movie stars. Future, possibly and past probably, but they were unrecognizable. What we did see a lot of was bohemians... the ones branded misfits and oddballs by 'the squares'. In other words, our kind of people.

The 'friends' Dog said we could crash with seemed to have no recollection of him, but they were cool and figured if someone told us to look them up, they must be cool and we by extension must be cool, so we all had a place to crash while we checked out the city of angels.

Getting around LA was not easy. Apparently they used to actually have a really great trolley system to navigate the sprawl, but that was torn up years ago. It was as if the powers that be didn't want the 'little people' to be too mobile and replacing the 'red car' trolleys with a modest bus system, kept the posh neighborhoods inaccessible to the 'wrong kind' of people. People who didn't have cars... or licenses. People like me and my friends. The bus would get you to where you needed to go... from the modest homes in Watts or East LA to your housekeeping or landscaping job in the hills, and on a schedule just frequent enough to ship 'the help' to and from their day labors. If you wanted to go anywhere else, you had to use your thumb. My friends and I soon discovered that it was very easy for us to stick out our thumbs in L.A. and get picked up. And we quickly realized that we did not want to get picked up.

Rain thought she could handle the wolves. She was very disarming in a Goldie Hawn kind of way, and she was every bit as smart as we all suspected – and later confirmed – Goldie was. She thought she had these LA hotshots wrapped around her little finger. And usually she was right. But eventually she got outplayed. She got lured into 'the scene' and often invited us to join her at the parties she began to frequent. We went to keep an eye out for her – and each other. The guys were letches, and kind of proud of it. I guess they thought we'd fall all over them because they were production assistants on some sitcom and they knew people who knew people who could make us 'stars'. It saddened me to think that this worked on some girls who actually came here with dreams of stardom. None of us wanted to be the next Tina Louise or Peggy Lipton, so we never fell for their tricks. Rain wasn't tempted by dreams of stardom either, but I think she was impressed by the big houses and the indoor pools and brushing shoulders with people we'd all grown up seeing on tv or at the movies. What I think she was most seduced by was the endless supply of drugs and other 'pleasures without penalties'.

That mirage came crashing down to earth early one Tuesday.

“Olive. You awake?”

“I am now. You just getting in? Another party til dawn?”

“No. I got home hours.....Olive. I'm late.”

“You said you got home hours...” suddenly, I think I knew what she was saying. The look in her eyes seemed to confirm it.

“Oh.” I looked at her plaintively. She just nodded and cast her eyes to the floor.

“How late?”

“Two... almost three weeks?”

“Oh. ….Shit.”

“Yeah.” she fumbled a bit and looked at me, kind of lost.,, “I was wondering.... if you weren't doing anything today, if you'd mind coming with me to....”

“Well, I suppose I could call Hef and reschedule” I lamely joked trying to break the mood. It was not funny. Rain just stared at me, confused, lost and quietly freaking. “Sorry. Not funny. Oh my God... of course! Aw, GOD sweetie!” and I impulsively lurched forward and embraced her in the tightest hug. She returned the embrace, and let out these little gasping sobs.

“Oh shit oh shit oh shit... what am I going to DO?”

I stroked her hair and 'shusshed' her and whispered as calmingly as I could “Oh, baby. You're going to do what we are going to do....together... we'll go downtown to the clinic and see the people who know what to do” I lied... not believing anyone knew just what to do no matter how many times and how many girls they had counseled.

After the sobs subsided, I eased away and, fingers still on her shoulders I regarded her with what I hoped she would know as sympathy and slight curiosity. “Why me?”

She stared back blankly. I realized she was thinking “I'm the one asking 'why me' YOU'RE not the one in trouble' ...then I think she tried reframing my question, but I jumped in to help her out.

“I mean.... why did you come to ME? Why not Saffron or Solstice or.... I mean you guys go WAY back... you've known each other since school... why not them? You've only known me since Kan... OH. That's IT. You've only known me since Kansas. They're your longtime friends, but I'm just...”

“Oh NO. GOD no! That's not it at ALL. Yeah. We've only known each other a few months, but God, you're as much a friend as... especially after San Diego.... and Needles with that train wreck of a waitress” I flinched a little. “No... it's just.... you don't... I've seen you over and over... you don't ….judge” I just stared reassuringly in her eyes. “And.....” her voice got small “you don't ….talk”

“Oh God, honey. Neither do the others. At least about important stuff. Thanks for that. But seriously, you can count on your friends. I'm flattered and touched that you consider me a friend like them. But trust me....they can be discreet too. It's not just me.”

“Trust them?” She looked at me sadly. “Like you trusted Saffron?” Her face fell, but her eyes bored into mine. “She told me about you.”

I felt the blood leave my face. I was numb. I couldn't respond. I couldn't even move. I just stared at her like a deer in headlights. Apparently this only confirmed what she had been told. Slowly she cracked a tiny smile.

“So it IS true. I couldn't really believe it when she told me. You have to admit it IS a bit hard to believe.” I nodded, shell-shocked. “ssshhhh. It's ok. It's OK. And nobody will believe it anyway. If they confront you, don't even lie. Just act all insulted and offended that they would even suggest.... They will realize how foolish they sound and back down.”

I swallowed hard and nodded.

“Even with you right here admitting it, I find it hard to believe you're still a virgin.”

I hadn't realized I had been holding my breath, but my sudden burst of breath surprised us both. I tried to hide my relief which Rain took as an emotional shock when she actually said 'the V word' aloud.

“I'm sorry. I just wanted to explain why I can't trust Saffron ….or the others”

I put my poker face back on and silently thanked Saffron for dutifully dishing the dirt and outing me as a virgin, while not outing me.

“Oh God. Please don't tell Saffron I told you! I don't want to wreck your friendship!”

I smiled. “Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me. ….or actually... MY secret...” I cocked my head as we both thought about this for a moment... and burst out laughing.

It was an awkward bus ride filled with painful silences. Fortunately the free clinic was right off the busline, only a few blocks from the UCLA campus. Although thinking back, that had to be by design. To be as accessible and convenient as possible to a student demographic who had few conveniences in their lives. The center was as friendly and comforting as possible considering the nature of their services and the circumstances of their clientele. Warm lavenders and bathed in sunlight from the glass along the eaves of the roof. We filled out the paperwork and waited just long enough to reflect on our situation and begin freaking out. We were snapped out of our dark daydreams when Rain was called in to see Dr O'Brien. She clung to my hand as if to drag me in with her. The receptionist nodded. Apparently this was common.

I sat in the exam room for moral support while Dr O'Brien inquired about Rain's sexual history. Apparently she was an 'early bloomer' and had become sexually active when most girls her age were dreaming of training bras. She had been quite adventurous for a long time, but had been extremely lucky until now. She was routinely tested for STDs and samples were taken to determine if she actually was pregnant. It's hard to imagine in these days of absolute privacy and 'pee sticks' that in those days you waited days to find out if 'the rabbit died'. Dr O'Brien asked Rain about other diet and lifestyle habits and strongly urged her to come back when 'everything was resolved' and talk with her about birth control. She looked at me and said, “This should be a wake up call young lady” although I doubt she was more than a few years older than I was. At that, Rain who was leaving to go to the ladies room and leave a urine sample turned and laughed.

“You don' have to worry about her. She's still a damn vi....” she shot her hand to her mouth and looked at me, mortified. Which only made it worse.

Dr O'Brien shooed her out to the restroom and turned to me with a ...look. Waiting for me to explain.

All I could say was “Wait. It's way more complicated than that.” Which only got me in deeper. When Rain returned with her sample Dr O'Brien sent her back to the waiting room. Rain tried to stay with me as I had with her, but Dr O'Brien insisted that this was to be a 'private consultation'.

She handed me an exam gown and motioned towards the stirrups. “This comes under Doctor Patient privilege? Anything you learn here stays between us?” She nodded solemnly. I screwed my face up and blew out a big breath of air. “I don't know where to begin...” I confessed. I stared long and hard at Dr O'Brien, and seeing nothing there but patience, mild concern and a hint of curiosity, I began at the beginning.

I made it as quick as I could, knowing she had other patients but she just made a dismissive hand gesture and kept prompting me to continue. So I told her about Joe Jr, and military school, and dad going MIA, and mom going ….m.i.a.... and my crazy notion to reinvent myself as a hippie ...and my accidental reinvention of myself as a hippiechick... the commune and the maxidress and San Diego and digging myself deeper... of becoming Olive and Needles and Lorraine and LA and Rain asking for my help... MY help of all people... and how much I loved and cared about my new girlfriends and how devastated we would all be if the truth got out. She just sat there. Nodding. Sometimes wide eyed. Occasionally smirking. But mostly just nodding, retaining a professional demeanor, although it seemed at times she was struggling to maintain that.

“..and so here we are and you're motioning to the chair directing me to 'assume the position' and I'm trying to explain to you why I don't need birth control or an exam or anything and how much it would destroy my friends if any of this came out.”

And she just sat and nodded. And furrowed her brows. And stared at me. And cradled her chin with her thumb, stroking her pursed lips absentmindedly with her index finger. And furrowed her brows further. And stared, Until I couldn't take it any longer.

“I can't take it any longer!” I exclaimed. “Say....SOMETHING.....:

“Wow.” she said quietly. And she nodded. And stared, and furrowed, and stroked and stared and furrowed.

“That's IT??? ….just WOW?”

She smiled and said “Kind of at a loss for words. That's all I've got at the moment.” and she continued regarding me.

“OK, then” I said placing the still folded exam gown back on the table. “I guess I'll go now, Rain must be freaking after all this time” and I headed for the door.

“Wait.” she said, and leaned to the intercom, “Donna, tell the young lady waiting for her friend that we're just going to be a few more minutes...” then she glanced at me and smiled “and tell her not to freak out... her friend is fine... we're just talking about... her condition....” She smiled at me. “She did start to say you were a virgin, no?”

I nodded. “That part is true”

She broke out into a wide grin “Oh sweetheart, that's not the HALF of it, is it?” and again she pointed to the stirrup chair.

I don't know why, but I trusted Consuela O'Brien, I told her as much. She teased that maybe it was because we were both half Irish. I retorted that no one would ever guess the truth to look at either of us. She kidded back that in that department I had her beat. I know she meant it as a friendly joke, but she blanched the moment she said it, and I knew she felt that she'd let the friendly banter go too far. I squeezed her forearm and threw her own words back at her “that's not the HALF of it” I laughed. Tension dispelled.

The stirrup chair was ...interesting... I don't doubt that Dr O'Brien believed my story, but having a close look at things only seemed to intrigue her more. She was surprised to find that I had retracted my testes back into their body cavities, and that they seemed quite content to stay there. She also examined my other 'boy bit' and was surprised as well that it seemed to be quite comfortable to remain tucked between my legs. She put on her exam gloves and proceeded to pry it out. She made no effort to hide her surprise that it took some prying to get it free, that it was apparently quite less than she expected, and that there was no sign of arousal. She asked me about that and I admitted that I don't recall it ever being aroused. She asked if I understood about arousal, and I explained that I had taken the required health courses in school and heard guys talk, so yes I got what arousal was. And no, I don't recall ever experiencing arousal, explaining that I presumed I would remember it if I did. That made her laugh.

“I daresay you would!” She scowled. “No erections? Wet dreams? No waking up with ...tumescence?” I didn't know the word but quickly figured it out. I shook my head yet again. “You never engaged in ...autoerotica?” I thought I knew what she meant, but I raised my eyebrow because I needed to be certain. “You never ….played with yourself?” she just sighed “masturbation?” OK, that's what I thought she meant. I shook my head, a little embarrassed. “...not even ONCE?”

I shook my head and sighed. “I guess that's not normal, huh?” she raised an eyebrow at the question. “I suppose that makes me even MORE of a freak....” I hung my head.

She clasped my hand instinctively and instantly realized where her gloved hand had ...been... quickly releasing it with a blush. “Sorry!”

I smiled. “Well, since I never really fondled it myself, I guess this is about as close as I'm going to get” I smiled as I examined my hand. THAT made her laugh.

She regained her composure and got back on track. “I was just going to say you're NOT a 'freak'... not that being a freak is necessarily a bad thing anyway.... but....” and she waved her hand dismissively... I think she distracted herself again.... “I think you're.... an anomaly..... something that doesn't comfortably fit within the narrow bounds of “ and she made air-quotes with her fingers “..normal”

“So you're saying I'm abnormal....”

“NO! ….well, technically....by the clinical definition...yes...but NO...no... that's not what I'm saying. It's that just that there's a narrow range of what statisticians consider the median... and that includes a small degree of deviation from the basline, but you... your development... and experiences... or lack of experiences are far outside the standard deviation...”

“So you're calling me a DEVIANT?” I raised an eyebrow in mock petulance.

“STOP!... putting words in my mouth” she laughed. “What I MEAN is, you're.... something ...else....” She got very quiet and said to me with great warmth and it seemed a touch of awe “I've never seen anything like you....” then her brow furrowed as she thought about her words.”..I mean anyONE like you...”

I threw my head back in mock disdain. “That's just great! Go ahead OBJECTIFY me! … I EXPECT that from the boys...but....” I couldn't keep up the bogus indignation and burst out laughing. Fortunately Dr O'Brien did too.

She then proceeded to poke prod and palpitate me and took enough fluids to start her own lab.

“I suppose asking for a sperm sample is a non-starter?” she asked awkwardly. My scowl just evoked a nod. “Technically, I HAD to ask.” she said sheepishly. I responded with a snort. She directed me to get dressed and walked me to the waiting room.

“I should know something within a week or two, and I hope to get you in for a followup. As for YOU young lady..." she said to Rain, "... eat right, lots of rest, no booze or drugs just in case... and stay off the uneven parallel bars until we know for sure.” Rain smiled. I knew Dr O'Brien was making jokes but I don't think I got half of them. We headed home on the bus when Rain turned to me.

“You were in there like, for-ever! What happened? Are you ok?”

I nodded. “We mostly talked.... about my ..situation.... then she took a peek and the usual blood, pee, saliva, hair....”

“Blood and pee, yeah. That's normal. But spit?”

“Well from the inside of my mouth with a little squeegee thing”

“And hair?”

“Just a little” I held up my fingers “like trimming split ends. No biggie”

“That's not ...normal...”

“Well, maybe I'm not normal?” I smiled. It seemed harmless, but Rain still seemed worried.

“What kind of a Doctor IS she?” Rain scowled.

“Maybe a witch doctor?”

We laughed so hard we nearly got thrown off the bus.

Rain heard from the clinic Friday afternoon and we had a memorial service for the rabbit that weekend. She was really quiet and introspective. I let her know that if she ever wanted to talk, I would be there for her. I think she did want to talk, but didn't even know where to start. We just hung out a lot. Sitting in the park, listening to the guitar boys. Strolling Sunset, smiling at all the eager buskers. There sure were a lot of musicians around.

“Penny for your thoughts” I said.

Rain barked out a small laugh. “You sound like my mom” she said in a tone of voice I'd never heard before. “....she was about my age when she had me.... my....dad...was shipping out to Korea... they had known each other all their lives... they were going to get married when he got out of the Army, but she wanted to give herself to him before he left so he'd keep thinking of her until he came back....”

“He never came back, did he?”

She shook her head. “It happened really fast. Mom heard the news before she even knew she was ….going to have me..... it was a scandal. They sent her to this ….place.... it was supposed to be a sanctuary for unwed mothers, but it was really a workhouse. The girls did laundry and mending... they had a bakery that served the parish.... and an orphanage.... they took the babies away to give them to 'respectable' families.... for a tidy donation.... and the mothers had to 'work off their debt' until the parish decided they had adequately atoned for their sins. It was slavery, plain and simple. My mom stole me back from the orphanage and ran away.”

“No one is going to send YOU away....if... you decide to have the baby. Have you decided?”

“I don't know.... it's just so scary either way.”