The next couple of days go by quickly. I learn more about the extended family I never knew I had. Mom had never really talked about her side of the family. On the few occasions that I had asked, she had become evasive and somehow always changed the subject. Dad was no better source. Finally, I just gave up asking. What I now find out is that Aunt Jen had chosen not to work and stayed home with Shauna when she was a child. She does work now that Shauna is in College, though. Uncle Jeff is an executive at a local company; but is able to spend a lot of time with his family—not like a lot of execs that are never home; and unlike my own Dad who is out traveling most of the time.

After a few days, though, it is time for us to go back to St. Paul’s. Mom is still in BC and there has been no luck finding the plane—the weather, which caused the problems to begin with, remains unhelpful. I have settled into a routine, of sorts, as Joy. Shauna has been giving me makeup lessons that I find to not be as difficult as I thought. As a matter of fact, I have started sketching, something I saw Grandma doing and decided to try at her urging. It turns out that I am a natural and have an artsy side that I never knew about. Somehow that translates into my being able to easily ‘paint’ my face.

On the drive back, Shauna and I just talk about this and that and are back on campus before we know it. It takes us two trips each up the stairs to get all of my new clothes into my room and several minutes to get them all put away in the closet, as well as to get my makeup organized and spread out on my vanity.

Shauna is just about to go to her room, when there is a knock on the door and Emily pops in. She gives me a big hug and fauns all over my new look. Then she says, “M.S. would like to see you as soon as you are finished settling in. She says it is no hurry, to take your time.” So, I spend the next few minutes catching her up on the events of the past few days. Of course she is surprised to find out that Shauna and I are really cousins—and is overjoyed that I have decided to not fight the ‘project’ anymore, but to really give ‘Joy’ a chance.

I check my makeup in the mirror before I leave my room; Shauna has been relentless about me making sure it stays pristine—as was Aunt Jen. Ten minutes later, I am standing in front of the Mother Superior’s door. What a difference a few days makes; although I am in three and a half-inch heels, I easily walked over in them—thanks to a relentless Shauna (and Aunt Jen) that has made me practice, practice, practice… The distraction was welcome, though. I knock and enter at the Mother Superior’s invitation to come in. She gets up and gives me a tight hug and I feel a warmth come over me before she says, “You look wonderful, Joy—much more appropriate. Is there any news?” I shake my head and say, “Not on my father—they are still searching, but hope is growing dim.” I feel my eyes tearing up; I fight it, but it is a losing battle and the tears start flowing—I just can’t stop them. M.S. hugs me again and says, “Those pills I gave you are starting to work. I am going to be honest with you about them; I didn’t tell you before because you were not in the right place mentally… They are female hormones…not strong ones, but strong enough to let you know what it feels like to be a girl…and let your emotions come out. I urge you to keep taking them to complete your experience—I promise they are safe.”

After a few minutes, I am able to get my tears under control and say, “Well, I do wish you had told me about the pills, but I also do trust you. I don’t really like not being able to control my emotions like just now, but I will admit that it feels good to let it out.” I start to tear up again, but am able to better get it under control now that I understand what is happening to me. I sniffle a little and M.S. hands me another tissue; I already know I am going to have to do some significant work to clean up the black streaks that I know are running down my face… I dry my nose and say, “I do have some other news, though…” I tell M.S. about Shauna being my cousin and some of the background. She says, “It is wonderful that your family is coming together for you in this time of need. I will keep you all in my prayers!”

We talk a few more minutes and then I go into her bathroom to clean up the best I can before going back to my room. I sit down at my vanity and redo my makeup, since it will be time to go down for dinner in a few minutes. I am just finishing it up when Emily comes in and asks if I am ready…

Like Emily, the rest of the squad is pleased with my new look and glad that I am ready to make a true effort at accepting the challenge. I think Mrs. Braun is most surprised when she sees me the next day in class. She seems somewhat suspicious that I am not fully cooperating until Shauna and Emily firmly convince her that all is going well. And so, the next several days pass in a whirl. Classes are OK—they are definitely more challenging than in high school, especially the math classes. I find that while I am good at math, it is really not where I fully excel. While I never really thought anything about the arts—or art--THAT is what I am finding I love…

At least the classes are distracting me from the never-ending lack of news on my Dad—as are the extra-curricular lessons the squad gives me on being Joy. I am becoming quite adept at makeup, hair, and even walking in heels. But there is still a lot for me to learn—things like sitting, posture, hand movements, vocabulary…it is never-ending. They have me practice standing up and sitting down properly, getting in and out of cars ‘like a lady’, holding my hands and arms correctly when I walk…

One thing that was awkward, at first, but I am slowly getting more into, is they have me reading these ooey-gooey romance novels and discussing how I feel about them—or what I think the female characters are thinking. We also all watch a ‘chick-flick’ every evening; the girls make me watch how the female characters act and interact and again there is a discussion about ‘feelings’. The more I read and watch, the more I get in tune with the female feelings…and the more I cry at the emotional points in the plots.

As a matter of fact, I have become more and more emotional; but after the first few days I have become able to get it better back under control. Don’t misunderstand me—I am still much more emotional than I was before…but, I am better able to control it. At least as well as any other girl.

And so, my first three weeks at college come to an end. Of those, I have spent two and a half as a girl and my Dad has now been missing for two. I am glum about my Dad. Mom calls me, through M.S., and gives me daily updates—which are basically always, “No news…” It is time for me to go to her office for my daily update and I check my makeup in the mirror, a totally unconscious habit now, and quickly walk over. The click-clacking of my heels on the concrete sidewalk is a now familiar sound and I barely notice it as I hurry over, unconsciously placing one foot in front of the other in a typical ‘model’ walk. I knock on M.S.’s door and wait for the invitation to come. The phone rings just as I enter.

I hear Mom crying on the other end. She finally calms down enough to say, “They have called off the search…there is no sign of the plane. The weather must have gotten them completely off course, they were too low for the radar, and there was nothing anywhere near the vicinity of their last transmission. I don’t know what we are going to do…” There is quiet weeping on both sides for a bit, then Mom says, “I am coming home day after tomorrow. I will come to see you when I get back and we will figure where to go from here…” Mom hangs up because neither of us are in the best shape to talk. M.S. just hugs me for a long time—and I unashamedly cry my heart out.

I am just about to leave M.S.'s office when the phone rings again. I start towards the door as she answers and stop cold as she says, “Joy. It is for you—it is your mother.” My heart falls into my stomach as I take the receiver and listen to my Mom’s voice say, “Joy. They just called; the passengers from the plane just walked into a town here in BC—they are alright! Your Dad is alive!” At that point, I really do start to cry; this time in utter joy…