In my life there has been a constant steam of people who have tried to end me. When I was young I took it as a sign of courage and strength that I stood before them in defiance. I thought that if I would only persevere that they would grow tired of the onslaught and the attacks would subside. But the enemy kept coming, coming in waves, and the taller I stood the mightier the blows that were struck.
The enemy was cunning and found my areas of weakness. I tried to shield myself by hiding, sometimes in plain sight. Behind closed doors I kept myself as I built up my defenses and my walls, but the enemy still found its way in. The enemy came in many forms; it came as so-called friends, as relatives, as a father figure, and as my mother. They took everything from me, stripped me and cast me into the pit because I had the audacity to dream and to be better than my station. With nothing left to hold onto, I let go of the one thing I valued above all, my desire to live.
But still I struggled and scrapped and put together some semblance of a life, but it is not the life I dreamed of, nor the life I want. I have grown tired and weary and ache for that eternal slumber. I have given up, have become a recluse. I have no close ties, I have no one that wants me, I don’t even want to have someone want me. I don’t want pity. I don’t want tears. I want peace. The warrior wants to put her sword in its sheath and hang it over the mantle. She wants to sit back and relax by the fire and utter her epitaph; “Hey, at least I tried.”
I want the music to fade, and perhaps for this to be the song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbAk1WxdSXI
I’ll be fine. I always find the strength to take the next breath.
Comments
huggles, hon
I'm sorry you're struggling, hon.
Huggles
Please remember,
You do have friends. I tried to be there for you several years ago, don't know if you remember, as OddPOV. Find the trans community in your area, we all understand the struggle.
Hang up the Sword for a while and get on with life
Katie I don't know where to start except to say simply keep on keeping on and perhaps tune in some up-beat music.
It may be time to put your sword in the it's sheath for a while and leave it over the mantle while getting out to a local coffee shop or other hangout to make some new friends.
Over the years I found that it was best for me to get away from groups of folks with similar problems and simply mix with the general population to avoid all of the negative feedback that amped up issues to the breaking point. When I mixed with others without dragging the baggage along with me it was simply more enjoyable and friendships developed much easier even among those without similar issues. The key for me was to focus on those around me, get to know them, offer help to them and stop focusing on my own problems. Over time the good ones offered their friendship and support in return without even being asked.
Focus Groups may be helpful for some but I found simply joining a Coffee Klatch was more beneficial for me. The folks that are around me in the local coffee shop range from LGBT, Overweight, Physical Disability, Mental Disability, Terminal Disease and unstated issues. Most all of those folks have formed mini-groups within the large number of patrons and I freely mix with all of them to my enjoyment. To do that I park my personal issues at the door which has helped me put them behind me for at least a short time during my day. One thing I try to do every day is to bring a little joy to those around me in simple ways and it always reflects back to me some times many times over.
At times I have had to get away from Klatches that were rather negative and move on to another more open group when the old one became destructive to themselves. Perhaps you could find another group of folks to hang with and leave the Sword at home, it may be scaring potential friends away.
By all means Keep On Keeping On.
Hugs
Charlie O
A suggestion
Katie,
I'm sending you an IM