Having the job that I have allows me to do a fair amount of thinking. So here is what is on my mind:
I am living a lie. I know that. The problem is I don't know what is the lie and what is the truth and it's about to get me institutionalized.
There are two options.
ONE:
The lie could be that I think I am a female in the wrong body.
By all accounts, I was born male. I have a penis, albeit a small one, and testicles. I have the proper amount of body hair in all the regular places that guys normally do (chest, arms, face, etc.) I even have thinning hair on top of my scalp. I was raised doing generally male things. I played sports in the park, played video games with reckless abandon looked at my fair share of pornography, masturbated to the point of almost going blind (if the myths are to be believed), was a world class wrestler, and was typically a guys-guy. I like fast cars, torinos and camaros make me drool. I like watching baseball and football and even have a violent angry side that comes out if the right buttons are pushed. I swear like a sailor at times and though i don't like to fight, I don't back down from them either. I am also ultra-competative, and pretty much a slob to boot.
So here I am presenting myself on a transgender website as Katie because i think I'm a female in a wrong body when all along, all i am is a guy who sometimes writes stories and is starved for attention (which I get in the form of reads and comments)
TWO
The lie could be that I am a female but I present myself to the world as a guy because biological evidence points that way.
From the day I was born everyone told me i was male and told everyone around me I was male and in order to not cause conflict I presented myself as a boy because that was the path of least resistance. I don't know when the notion that i felt i was a female began. I don't think it was my toddler years, as some people state. In fact, I doubt I understood what gender and being a boy or girl meant at 3 or 4. i do know my cousin Theressa is the one who taught me how to wipe myself, but i don't know if that proves anything. I also have a vague memory of when I was four, my aunt asking me if i wanted to be a girl (to which i answered no, because that was what i was suppose to answer). i do know that when i was four and beyond, when i would go to sleep i would envision myself as a girl. I didn't envision me being a girl doing girl things like playing hopscotch or playing with dolls (which i did with my cousin Jenny) but I would just envision myself as being a girl laying in bed. Also, once I became sexually aware, my fantasies always involved me being the female in them. The issue has been wrapped up in abuse, however. Certain things I know. When I was 3, some older boy (possibly a teenager) "peed" on my gentiles. Now I, at that age, was unaware of ejaculation and he could've masturbated on me, but I cannot confirm or deny that so I'll leave the memory as being urinated on. When I was 11 my older cousin penetrated me and had me perform oral sex on him. Since i was abused through my life by males, there could be some psychological damage that makes it more palatable for me to consider myself female.
Then there is the flashback. When I was in college I had a flashback memory of my step-father putting me in a dress. It was so vivid and accompanied a lot of other "memories". But, i don't know if I trust repressed memories. It could've been just a really vivid dream, or something i read, or something i wish that had happened. But since then, the gender issue has been at the forefront of my thought. (almost 20 years now)
So here is my dilemma. One of these two things is a lie and I don't want to live a lie no more. One has got to go, I just don't know which.
Comments
More Likely
Issues are seldom black or white only. I have a feeling that there are things from both sides that apply. Obviously, there have been some very traumatic events during formative periods during your life. I'm not saying there's a middle ground. I'm just saying there are probably many more things to be considered. Much about you is due to outside influences; however, you are you, and that is the bottom line. There is a unique person there, and you need to find out who that is.
Portia
Portia
Ah, there's the rub...
To be or not to be? But more importantly which one to be? It's something most people on this site, including me, have been struggling with for a lifetime.
One of the authors here, WannabeGinger, is writing an excellent autobiographical piece in segments called: First Time. It's an outstanding and truly revealing work that I recommend highly to anyone seeking answers to our dilemma.
Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts with us. Though we all have to reach our own conclusions, these revelatory insights help us all.
Thank you,
Ole
We are each exactly as God made us. God does not make mistakes!
Gender rights are the new civil rights!
Gender Identity is not the same as gender expression
You might want to read:
http://skepchick.org/2012/01/13-myths-and-misconceptions-abo...
and
http://queereka.com/2012/01/02/13-myths-and-misconceptions-a...
Your interests don’t necessarily mean your gender identity is not female, any more than being attracted to women means your gender identity is not female.
GeekGirl
I'm Biased
Toward TG people being as TS as they can, but actually, if they are happy with the level of femininity in their lives, it's fine with me.
I agree with what GeekGirl says, plenty of wimyn, straight and lez, are involved with Butch interests. I think you are being unfair to wimyn athletes, race car drivers, no life corporate types, etc., if you think wimyn can't be as competitive as men.
You imagined yourself sexually as a womyn, so you can't say the girl in you was unknown. Perhaps some of your more butch activities were a reaction to how you were inside, trying to hide your femself from society. You know how that is; Jan Morris was a war correspondent, a mountain climber and an early example of a TS initially trying to hide her true desires from society and herself.
Your dilemma is bothering you a lot right now, right? I would say that you sound TS, but I've told of my bias. Also, I at least, really don't know you well. You didn't mention the effect of therapy on your thinking and feelings; have you had some? Are you seeing someone now? If not, do you feel satisfied that you got what you wanted from your earlier sessions?
You have questions that are important to your mental health. There are good, honest, sym/empathetic, trained professions that can help you, so that you can find your answers. Maybe not the first or the Nth, but there should be someone. Are you near a city or a medical school? Do you have insurance, medicare, or can you afford therapy some way or another?
Please care for yourself and look for help!
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Ready for work, 1992.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
I know how you feel, sweetie
Kinda in the same boat, for the most part. But like others here have said, having some masculine traits doesnt deny your femininity, or the other way around as the case may be. My own feeling is that you are intersex, and neither absolute really applies to you. Super hugs.
Dorothycolleen, member of Bailey's Angels
Do Balrogs have wings?
So let me clarify the title:
In the Tolkien myth (lord of the rings, The hobbit etc.) Balrog are a mythical humanoid being of fire. The problem is that there are some written reference for them having wings ( in the famous Durin's bane segment: "You shall not pass") but at the same time there are some things that just don't sit right ( Balrog never really fly, the wording is suspicious and so on).
This led to a debate between Tolkien fans about "Do Balrog have wings". Both sides go back and forth giving reasons for and against, but in the end they are all circumstantial.
It got to a point where the general consensus is that its a matter of perception: If you believe Balrog have wings they do and all the evidence against it will be circumstantial while the evidence for it will be solid and vice versa.
In the end it doesn't matter; Balrogs, whether they have wings or not, are still Balrog: all of them died, they were a fiery beasts with little to no moral system and they where bad.
So: Why am I telling you this tale?
Just like the Balrog the question isn't the definition of the lie or your definition but what makes YOU, as a person not GENDER tick, who you are. What makes you feel like you're lying ? and what evidence seem to you like they are circumstantial and what are those that seem to have a deeper truth to you.
Ask yourself Can a girl be "ultra competitive" and still be a girl ? can they swear like a sailor?
Then ask yourself : Am I girl just because I thought I was since I was young?Might it be trauma that caused all this?
The answer will come with the answers that you'll see as absolute truths VS those that you'll need to fit the circumstances in order to make them work.
Hope the Balrogs helped ( I know its cryptic but I thought it might help)
Lily.