My condolences. In the end, the blame game serves nobody. He made the decision himself, no matter what anyone else might have said or done.

It's just sad when people do that and leave others behind (like his wife). Yes, their problems might have ended, but they created many for others, such as yourself.

Take the time you need. Grieving is a process that simply takes what it takes. We'll be around - just don't be a stranger. (well, no stranger than me, please?)

I can't say I know what you're feeling, because I don't even have a child. But I do know what loss feels like and can empathize a little. Don't worry so much about "not feeling" anything right now. We all grieve in our own ways and we go through the stages of grief differently. Once the shock wears off I'm sure you'll have a lot of emotions to sort through. There may be a time that you blame yourself, that is normal also, be prepared, don't beat yourself up too hard.

All I want to say is that you will be in our prayers and that I am truly sorry for your loss.

My heartfelt condolences to you, Angharad. It's mind boggling...almost surreal.

Many years ago, now, my brother committed suicide. It took me several weeks to 'feel' anything. Then, I bawled my eyes out for a day or so.

Such tragic events take some time to penetrate, and for the mind to accept and understand what is real...that it's not imaginary. Then, it is often overwhelming.

I do hope you have someone close upon whom you can lean. It does make it easier to bear. You do need other people at times like this.

My thoughts are with you.

I was just in that same place almost 2 years ago.
I did not blame others, and you can not blame yourself.
There was something else, in his life, to which he could not work through.

You have the love and support and prayers of me and many others here.

Dear Angharad, my deepest condolences go out to you in this tragic time. Take all the time you need to get back to feeling like writing - you come first. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Kris

Our condolences to you and your family.

((hugs))

Abby and Cleigh

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Janice

Your life choices were not his to second guess.

Who knows perhaps his cutting off ties with you had more to do with him and less to do with what he really felt your transitioning?

Was/did he isolate himself from others as his emotional difficulties grew? Was he ill and decided suicide was better than a slow death from... Who knows?

We can never truly know another.

All we can do is be true to ourselves and respectful of others. Not an easy task.

And if his wife should blame you, ask her "where the hell were you, his DEAR wife, as his life got to a point where suicide seemed the only way out? Perhaps you drove him to it? Or murdered him?"

That is as unkind and ridiculous a supposition as YOU being the cause of his death.

You, the authorities, his wife, may never know why. It might even have been some terrible accident while disoriented. Happens too many times a year in my state where people who have been partying in the bars wander too close to a river/lake, slip and drown. College kids and young professionals seem the most at risk.

We have even had campers illegally camped in a nature preserve near a state park who wandered over a cliff in the dark and died. I doubt Girl Scouts/Girl Guides to you -- are heavy drinkers.

I am sorry for your loss but if he felt that bad who could have stopped him?

All you can do is move on. If you wish to offer an olive branch to the wife that is you decision but from what you have intimated that would be doomed from the start.

Sad for your lost son. But then he was lost to you by his own choice years ago.

Sad for his wife if she truly thinks you destroyed him somehow. With such an attitude she will never be content.

Take time to grieve even if he was no longer close to you.

If it helps, work some of your remembrances and experiences with him and her into your stories.

I have done that myself and it helps to tame the demons a bit.

Life sucks but as they say, the alternative is much worse.

Poor Ang.

John in Wauwatosa