In a strange place.

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I'm in a strange place at the moment, sort of on autopilot. At lunchtime I received a call that put me there. My ex phoned to say my son was dead - he was 33. Apparently, he walked out of his camper van in the middle of the night and then jumped to his death from a motorway bridge. I don't know why. His wife will probably blame me, although I haven't spoken to him for four years, his choice not mine. I can't say I feel particularly sad, because I can't actually feel anything. I worked this afternoon as normal because I couldn't do anything else. I'm not sure when I'll feel like writing, not sure when I'll feel anything again. I just can't believe he'd do something so unbelievably stupid, but he did. I still love him.

Comments

My deepest condolences

Andrea Lena's picture

I am so sorry for your loss. You're in my thoughts.

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

My condolences. In the end,

My condolences. In the end, the blame game serves nobody. He made the decision himself, no matter what anyone else might have said or done.

It's just sad when people do that and leave others behind (like his wife). Yes, their problems might have ended, but they created many for others, such as yourself.

Take the time you need. Grieving is a process that simply takes what it takes. We'll be around - just don't be a stranger. (well, no stranger than me, please?)


I'll get a life when it's proven and substantiated to be better than what I'm currently experiencing.

Tears

We lost my baby brother about 18 months ago from similar circumstances. The shock and heartache still brings tears to my eyes.

You and yours have my deepest sympathies and prayers.

Biggest and most gentle of hugs

Grover

Sorry for your pain

I can't say I know what you're feeling, because I don't even have a child. But I do know what loss feels like and can empathize a little. Don't worry so much about "not feeling" anything right now. We all grieve in our own ways and we go through the stages of grief differently. Once the shock wears off I'm sure you'll have a lot of emotions to sort through. There may be a time that you blame yourself, that is normal also, be prepared, don't beat yourself up too hard.

All I want to say is that you will be in our prayers and that I am truly sorry for your loss.

Katie Leone (Katie-Leone.com)

Writing is what you do when you put pen to paper, being an author is what you do when you bring words to life

My condolences to you Ang.

My condolences to you Ang. It is just so sad when somebody feels that despair. I was there twice in my life and I thank God, that I decided to go on and not end it. Ang just know that we are here for you and do take this time to grieve and mourn your loss.

Condolences

My heartfelt condolences to you, Angharad. It's mind boggling...almost surreal.

Many years ago, now, my brother committed suicide. It took me several weeks to 'feel' anything. Then, I bawled my eyes out for a day or so.

Such tragic events take some time to penetrate, and for the mind to accept and understand what is real...that it's not imaginary. Then, it is often overwhelming.

I do hope you have someone close upon whom you can lean. It does make it easier to bear. You do need other people at times like this.

My thoughts are with you.

Red MacDonald

So sorry to hear that

No matter how little it may be, my prayers are with you.

titania.jpg

Titania

Lord, what fools these mortals be!

I'm so very sorry

Take care of yourself. Don't even think about writing until you've dealt with this. My heart goes out to you.

Hugs

erin's picture

Not much else to say.

Just hugs,
Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

I'm very sorry to hear that Angharad

I don't think there is much else that I can say except that I can't begin to imagine the pain in hearing news like that. For whatever it's worth, sending comforting thoughts your way.

Woody

My heart goes out to you,

My heart goes out to you, Angharad. I don't know what could possibly make this easier for you, but I hope it happens.

Ban nothing. Question everything.

Oh, This Is So Sad

littlerocksilver's picture

There is nothing I can say or do other to hug you and hope the pain will ease.

Portia

There is nothing I can dredge

There is nothing I can dredge from my mind to say except, from my family to yours we offer our sympathy and prayers, may God keep you and watch over you all

Angharad...

Angharad:

The loss of a child is one of the worst things that can befall anyone,
and given the senseless nature of his final decisions, I can't even hope
that any expression of tenderness or love will be enough to ease the grief
of such a sudden and overwhelming loss. Yet, I will still sadly tender my
respects and my love, Angharad, and hope that one day in the near future
that these will bring some tiny measure of comfort, for a very bruised and
damaged soul.

I believe we have a soul you know. Not in the same way that theists
believe, in some inexplicably supernatural way. I believe that it is
something that is built up over a person's lifetime, from all the smiles
that really meant something in the faces and eyes of the people we love.
I think it also contains the hurts we feel from the occasional thoughtless
little things that others do to us, and that we more sadly still,
thoughtlessly do to others. It's the way that your cat pops out from under
the bed when you call, and walks up to you as if to ask "What?," and then
rubs against you in a way that says 'I missed you today, as clearly as if
she had spoken the words. It's the breathtaking sunrises and sunsets, and
the wind in the trees and across the water, just when you needed them the
most.

And...

I think it's the thing that makes us reach out for our friends shoulder,
when we know they are hurting. I think it's why some people, who've had a
larger share of smiles and sunsets, are willing to reach out sooner, and
perhaps, just a little farther than others.

And...

I think, that when we are no longer able to carry it for ourselves, that
the bits and pieces of that sum of experience that lives inside each of us,
are carried on by our friends and our loved ones, even after four years, or
even after forty. They just don't go away, as long as the ones who are here
remember the person, or their smiles, or their sunsets.

I am deeply saddened by your loss, Angharad; and, I hope that your sleep
will bring you happy memories, peaceful thoughts, and restful dreams.

Love,
Sarah Lynn

I am so sorry.

I won't say I understand why he did it. I don't think that anyone could. Please take time for yourself, the feelings will come in time. I wish there was something I could do or say to soothe you somewhat.

Much peace

Gwen

Not much I can say

Except that I'm sorry for your loss and my thoughts are with you and your family.

Hugs
Sue

My heartfelt condolences for

My heartfelt condolences for you Angharad. It's mind boggling and unexplainable why and how someone comes to such a deed, and I know you must feel absolutely stunned. I sincerely hope you and your ex, your daughter, and your daughter-in-law even, may find some common ground to enable you all to talk and commiserate your losses and puzzlement for I know from personal experience how absolutely baffled you must feel. Of course you still love him, it's just so unbelievably sad. A warm heartfelt hug and my deepest sympathies is all I can offer you.

It's never enough.

Jo-Anne

My sincere condolences

tmf's picture

Big Hugs.

Sorry for your loss.
You're in my thoughts.

Peace, Love, Freedom, Happiness
Huge huggles tmf

Mozart knew

Rhona McCloud's picture

Last night following your comment I went to sleep listening to the Mozart Clarinet Concerto as I suspect in days to come will you.

You have brought joy, insight and opened new doors in the lives of so many of us so it is doubly sad that your son could find at this time no joy in his own life.

Today's pain when it hits will always be part of you but the sun will rise tomorrow and the next day and the next in time warming your heart as I hope will the love from here

Rhona McCloud

So very sorry ...

to read your post Angharad, At times like this there is not much mere words can do to make you feel better, For anyone to lose a loved one in the way you lost your son will be so hard to take.

You are in my thoughts Angharad, Please stay strong if you can, I have a feeling the rest of your family may need you more than ever now...

hugs

Kirri

I am so sorry

I was just in that same place almost 2 years ago.
I did not blame others, and you can not blame yourself.
There was something else, in his life, to which he could not work through.

You have the love and support and prayers of me and many others here.

Ang, I am so sorry

Every parents deepest fear and darkest nightmare just landed on your front step. I wish there were something I could say or do to make it easier alas, there is not. I can only feel with you and offer my love.

Namaste' Sister

Joani

I'm So sorry for Your Loss

You have brought me many hours of pleasure through your stories. Just know that you are valued and loved here.

Nothing I can add ...

... that's any different from the others. I literally cannot imagine what you're going through. All I can do is offer my sincerest condolences.

You're in my thoughts.

Robi

Dear Angharad, my deepest

Dear Angharad, my deepest condolences go out to you in this tragic time. Take all the time you need to get back to feeling like writing - you come first. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Kris

Kris

{I leave a trail of Kudos as I browse the site. Be careful where you step!}

Sorry to hear the news.

Patricia Marie Allen's picture

I'll hold you and your ex in my prayers. I can't think of anything more devastating than outliving your children regardless of how it comes about.

Hugs
Patricia

Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin eine Mann

condolences from down under

condolences for your loss, from Carla Bay and Alison Mary, your hurt is felt by us and all of the people on Big Closet.

ROO

condolences

Life is so delicate and fragile and the finality of death so hard to take. I'm very sorry to learn of your loss.

Your loss

Dahlia's picture

Angharad, your loss strikes me at the core as I just found out that one of my childhood friends just lost his only child, a son, as well yesterday in a plane crash. I am so sad for your loss and pray that you find peace somehow. I have no children but I know it would destroy me to lose one if I did.

-HuGs-

Piper's picture

I wish I had more to offer, than my meager hugs but none the less, -HuGgLeS-.

-Piper


"She was like a butterfly, full of color and vibrancy when she chose to open her wings, yet hardly visible when she closed them."
— Geraldine Brooks


Speechless

I have no way to adequately express my condolences, only to let you know that your loss is deeply felt by those who have bonded with you over these last many years.

I will hold you and your family in the Light.

So Sorry

Our condolences to you and your family.

((hugs))

Abby and Cleigh

Battery.jpg

Very Sorry

terrynaut's picture

Nothing much to say except that I'm very sorry to hear about your son.

*hug*

- Terry

My condolences

May he be in a better place, where he no longer suffers from the conflicts that drove him to this terrible act.

RAMI

I am truly sadden by your

I am truly sadden by your troubles. I cannot begin to fathom your pain and sorrow. I pray that you may have a quick healing and that life might turn sweet again.

Prayers for him and YOU...

Kelly

PKB_003b.jpg

My very being hurts with you

Christina H's picture

Angharad,

My heart goes out to you, you poor thing you must be devastated, as others have said you won't feel anything now - unfortunately the pain comes later
and never goes. It does fade with time.

I have only been on this site a short while but I have seen how loved you are. I hope you gain strength from this love.

As for the writing - don't even think about doing any until you feel fully recovered.

Christina

Condolences

You have my empathy. The loss of your own child is a hard blow. As others have allready said: Take your time to grieve! It helps if you have somebody to talk to about your loss, even years after the fact.

Jessica

I hope you can have someone with you the next few days,

Wendy Jean's picture

it sounds like you are in shock. Words can't help, but know I am feeling your loss. Please know you are not alone.

My brother did something similar. For a day or so I felt numb, then the reality and pain set in. I was very fortunate to have people near me who cared.

You cannot know what is in another's head

Your life choices were not his to second guess.

Who knows perhaps his cutting off ties with you had more to do with him and less to do with what he really felt your transitioning?

Was/did he isolate himself from others as his emotional difficulties grew? Was he ill and decided suicide was better than a slow death from... Who knows?

We can never truly know another.

All we can do is be true to ourselves and respectful of others. Not an easy task.

And if his wife should blame you, ask her "where the hell were you, his DEAR wife, as his life got to a point where suicide seemed the only way out? Perhaps you drove him to it? Or murdered him?"

That is as unkind and ridiculous a supposition as YOU being the cause of his death.

You, the authorities, his wife, may never know why. It might even have been some terrible accident while disoriented. Happens too many times a year in my state where people who have been partying in the bars wander too close to a river/lake, slip and drown. College kids and young professionals seem the most at risk.

We have even had campers illegally camped in a nature preserve near a state park who wandered over a cliff in the dark and died. I doubt Girl Scouts/Girl Guides to you -- are heavy drinkers.

I am sorry for your loss but if he felt that bad who could have stopped him?

All you can do is move on. If you wish to offer an olive branch to the wife that is you decision but from what you have intimated that would be doomed from the start.

Sad for your lost son. But then he was lost to you by his own choice years ago.

Sad for his wife if she truly thinks you destroyed him somehow. With such an attitude she will never be content.

Take time to grieve even if he was no longer close to you.

If it helps, work some of your remembrances and experiences with him and her into your stories.

I have done that myself and it helps to tame the demons a bit.

Life sucks but as they say, the alternative is much worse.

Poor Ang.

John in Wauwatosa

John in Wauwatosa

You have all my sympathy

There probably isn't anything anyone can say to help, but we are human animals and we care about people around us, so we try to help you by trying to find something good to say. If prayers from a stranger can help, please know that I am praying for your son, for you, and all your son's loved ones. It is too sad for words, too cruel for your son, and too cruel for you.

Albert Einstein famously said, "Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion." in a 1956 letter to the family of his lifelong friend Michele Besso, after learning of Besso's death.

Time is "...a stubbornly persistent illusion". I hope this will help comfort you as it often has helped comfort me, too many times now.

Almost the same thing is in what is considered the wisest book of the Bible, Ecclesiastes.

"That which is, already has been; that which is to be, already is; and God seeks out what has gone by." Ecclesiastes 3:9

"I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favor to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all." Ecclesiastes 9:11

I hope no one tries to heap all the blame on your son. Events around him are due their fair share of the blame. Chance has had its influence.

Please PM me if you'd like to. They say I am a good listener, attentive and caring. I try to check my account daily, but don't always manage to. I'll try harder now. :-)

Annie

Best wishes

My best wishes to all of you! I know that has to be a shock. Reach out to your friends! You have many.

Annette

Oh dear!

Athena N's picture

My sincere condolences.

Watch out for the feelings – they will return eventually, both bad and good. Meanwhile, please have a virtual hug from yet another random fan, and take care of yourself.