Part 2
Explanations, Improvisations, and Reconciliations

Chapter 4
Felicity saw Jakob leaning against a column by the IMAX theater at the mall. He and Seth were slouching casually and checking out girls in the other direction. They didn't see us.

“OK Tem, have you figured a way to explain to Jakob & Seth what we did to the 'little brother' they entrusted to our care?” It seemed that even the unflappable Felicity was getting anxious.

“I'm working on it.” She looked at me and scrunched up her face. “How would you feel about keeping this up a little longer?” She had no idea how to get me out of this. I could at least buy her some time by my continued silence. I shrugged. She smiled, relieved.

Temperance fished out her phone and called Jakob. She had me stay back while she, Felicity and Chastity walked up behind them. I could see from a distance when she tapped his shoulder from behind, and the confused and angry reaction when he and Seth realized how they had been toyed with at the food court. The anger quickly turned to embarrassment and far quicker than I'd have expected, they were all laughing about it. The conversation continued a bit longer. Chastity kept shooting furtive glances my way, so I presume Temperance was weaving whatever story she had concocted about why I wasn't with them. I was curious myself to hear what happened to Levi. I would learn soon enough. After a few serious minutes the faces lightened up, and before too long Temperance motioned my way. Jakob and Seth turned and smiled in my direction and Felicity beckoned me to join them.

Is it even possible to not walk sexy in 5” heels? I was a bit surprised at how quickly I got used to them. Then again, considering everything else I had been through, they weren't especially daunting. As the heels clicked across the slippery tile floor, I felt like I was making a slow, deliberate entrance, even though I was merely walking over to meet my friends. “Hi” I smiled sheepishly. “I'm really sorry about the foodcourt....”

“Don't worry about it.” Seth reassured me. “Our friends are full of mischief. They already lost one of our party today.”

“Oh”?

“I can't really get the whole story out of them, but obviously they broke him and he took a bus back home.”

“Home? Well, he can catch up with you later if he wants to, right?”

“No. He failed the test. So when he goes home he's back for good. Well, at least this year. He's young. I'm sure he'll get another chance in a year or two.”

“A year or two?”

“Think of it like being grounded. He failed the outside world test. But he was really young and probably not ready for the it. I'm sure he'll get another chance another year.”

“But not this year?”

“No.”

“Sorry I won't get to meet him. If he stayed with you instead of the girls, would he still be here?” I stared daggers at Temperance. What had she done?

Jakob shrugged. Seth nodded, so I turned to him. “He'd still be here....” Seth nodded. Then I began to think.

“....In a tracksuit with a spray tan?” I smiled.

Felicity actually snorked soda out her nose. Temperance and Chastity just laughed and smiled my way. I was feeling more comfortable with my choice by the minute.

Seth was eager to change the subject. “I'm Seth by the way. And that is Jakob.”
“Not Sven & Jens? Seth and Jakob. The truth just sounds different.....right. Delighted to meet you Seth and Jakob.” I overstressed their true names like an overly friendly salesperson.

“And I take it you're not Astrid?”

“Only in here” I tapped my finger to my temple. “...and in internet chat rooms” I laughed. Wait. Did I just make a cybersex joke? Where did THAT come from? ….Am I ...flirting?
“Actually, I'm Allison. Allison Crowe.” I just blurted that out. I was as surprised as anyone. It was as if I was channeling someone else who didn't have to make anything up. I just went to speak with no idea what I was about to say, and it poured out without an instant's hesitation. “...but my friends call me Ali”. ...They do? I hear the words as they leave my mouth, but even I can't tell you where they're coming from.

“Allison..... Ali.... You're right, the truth just sounds different.” Seth smiled. I glanced at the other girls who were just staring at me with disbelief.

“Temperance says you just got over a bad breakup and left your job. Did the 'retail therapy' help?” “We're all heading up to Chicago.” Jakob cut in. “Would you like to tag along?” Way to go Tem, giving me something I could riff on.

“My boss was a pig. I should sue the bastard, but he's a high roller in this city, and it would be futile to bring suit against the biggest law firm in town. And with those pics my ex posted online....”

“You let someone photograph you in ...um....” Seth seemed equally shocked and intrigued.

“Let had little to do with it. He's a voyeuristic perv. I finally found out and broke up with him. Then he showed me how ...prolific... he was. Actually, showed me and the rest of the internet.” I really have no idea where this backstory was coming from. It was like tuning a radio. It just flowed through me. But it seemed to be working, so I just went with it.

Felicity pulled me aside. “Where are you GETTING this stuff?” she whispered.

“I don't KNOW!” I whispered back.

“Well, it's working. Keep it up.”

“So. Care to accompany us to Chicago?” Seth asked.

“...Yes. I think I would, actually. There's nothing for me here. I could use a fresh start.”

Chapter 5
I had looked forward to the trip to Chicago for longer than I let myself remember. I knew it wasn't just our first trip to a really big city. I had heard talk. Whispers. No one had spoken of her aloud since she failed to return from her Rumspringa over a decade ago, but people knew I still missed her and told me rumors they heard concerning her. The rumor I fixated on was that she was living in Chicago. I knew the odds were astronomical, but I was hopeful that at least one more time in my life, I would be able to see my older sister.

Temperance and Felicity helped me track her down. Chastity definitely did not approve, since her failure to return resulted in automatic banishment and her name was never to be spoken. I tried to remind her that Rumspringa is when we bend the rules, challenge the rules, and maybe the point is that we learn to understand why the rules exist. She still didn't approve, but she grudgingly went along. Constance was in fact still living in Chicago and surprisingly easy to find. I quickly learned that women will not as a rule have a phone listed with their first name, but that it's a good chance that a public listing under a first initial is likely a woman. I didn't know if she would retain “Constance” but hoped she would keep her first initial.

I only had to call about 9 C. Millers before my luck changed. Though when a guy answered the phone I thought I struck out again. “Constance Miller please?”

“Constance?” Crap. No luck. Then muffled as he talked away from the phone, “You're full name is 'Constance'?” the guy laughed. Some heated conversation I couldn't make out.
“What is this in reference to? Who are you and where are you from?”

“I'm.... I'm from her hometown.... we grew up together and I'm here on ….break... I wanted to look her up.”

He seemed surprised. “Oh. I thought you were a telemarketer or someone calling from the bank. CONNIE! There's a woman on the phone, says you grew up together and she wants to meet.” A quick scuffling sound and I heard my sister's winded voice.

“Hello?”

“Connie?”

“Yes.”

“No. I mean 'CONN-IE?'”

“It's close. Don't judge me. Who is this?”

“you probably don't remember me, but I will never forget you.”

“Are you from the community?”

“Yes. I'm here on my rumspringa.”

“God. That would make you..... sorry, you'd have been a little girl when I knew you, and I really wouldn't remember.”

“It's Levi.”

“LEVI! Oh my God. I'm SO sorry. I thought you were a girl. You're on Rumspringa already? You don't even sound like you've hit puberty.”

“Well, it's complicated. I went with some older kids because there's really no one else my age and if I waited I'd be awkwardly old going with some younger kids. I didn't want to wait. Constance, I wanted to find you as soon as I could.”

“Of course! Look, I have to go to work, but let's meet right after I get off. Where are you staying?”

“...I don't know yet. We just got into town and are kind of improvising as we go.”

“Ah, yes. Rumspringa.” I could hear her voice soften with the memories. “There are some decent youth hostels. Not lavish, but affordable. And you'll meet some really interesting people. It's really a perfect Rumspringa experience. Another tip. Buy a phone.”

“Already have one.” I gave her the number and she said she'd call me when she got off work.

Having accomplished the top item on my list, my attention focused to issue number two. Shelter.

We all quickly agreed that our mall spree had been fun, but not too practical. So when we got to Chicago, the first thing we did was find thrift shops and dollar stores to build more practical wardrobes. Since I was stuck being Allison until I could figure a way out of it, I went with the girls. I was actually getting good at learning sizes and eyeing stuff on the rack. While my three friends tried on endless items and fussed over everything, I became a super shopper. I knew instinctively how things would drape and look as I viewed them on the hanger. As proof, everything I tried fit just as I pictured it, and once I took it off the rack, modeling it for the others to approve became a formality. I didn't pick much, but nothing I picked went back on the rack. The woman at one of these stores noticed this, complimenting my eye and giving me her card if I ever wanted a job. I was flattered but didn't think much of it. This seemed to make a real impression on the other girls though, as I was the first of their group they suddenly pictured being able to earn a living in the outside world.

The youth hostel was ...sparse. There was no privacy, so when I found myself lumped on the women's floor, I began to panic. Once I realized that women were inherently more private in toilet and shower facilities I began to relax. Those were the only areas where I would be totally exposed, and the shelter of the stalls spared me that dilemma.

I tried to “boy up” for my meeting with Constance ...Connie. Choosing a simple tee, boy jeans, canvas sneakers and a gray hoodie. I pulled my hair back ...until I saw the studs. I managed to cover my ears, but still not draw attention to the length. I deliberately mussed up my stylish feminine cut and thought I was pulling it off. When I stepped off the bus and the driver smiled “have a nice day miss” I began to think it wasn't working as well as I thought.

I met her at a Starbucks near her work. When I sat next to her and said hello, she shot me a glare and said “Sorry miss. This seat's taken. I'm waiting for someone.”

“I've been waiting for you for over 10 years” I replied.

She just stared. I could sense the wheels turning in her head, but I waited in vain for the recognition.

“Excuse me? Who ARE you?”

“Constance! It's ME!”

“Sorry. I was waiting for my little brother. Are you one of his friends?”

“Thou hast eyes and still don't see. It's ME. Levi! Has it been that long?” I gave her a tight hug as she just sat there, not returning the gesture.

“Levi?” she whispered. She still didn't seem convinced, but tried to be making an effort. “I'm so sorry. I don't ...didn't... recognize you at all. I thought you were someone else.”

“Who?”

“Well. I don't know. I.... how do I say this and not offend you.”

Here it comes. I grabbed her shoulders and looked her in the eye to let her know I was not going to be offended. “Just say it”

“Jesus. I thought you were a girl.”

“No offense taken. Actually, I get that a lot. But it doesn't really bother me. It's just well meaning strangers. Still... what part of this outfit says 'girl'?” I waved my hand up and down from my chucks to my ball cap. She grinned.

“None of it. But you must admit the sweeping arm is very Vanna White. I don't know. It's just... I don't know. It's not the clothes. It's just the …..presence.”

I was a little frustrated and I brushed my hair back to scratch my ear.

“Wait a minute. What is this?” Her eyes went large as she reached for the gold stud.

“OK.” I sighed. “This will take some explanation.”

Connie's reaction as I recounted my first 36 hours of Rumspringa seemed to be a mixture of amusement, amazement and disbelief. I think amusement won out.

“Wow. All we did was get drunk and sick in a park. Times sure have changed. And you're staying in a women's hostel?”

“With Temperance Felicity and Chastity”

“It had better be with Chastity if you want to stay out of real trouble.” She laughed. Then apologized for having a joke at my friend's expense.

“Oh. She's not my friend.”

“Meowwwrrr!!!” She clawed the air playfully.

“I mean, she helped the others, even though she objected. She went along with everything.”

“As did you.” She was right. I didn't know how to respond. So I changed the subject.

“Can I come stay with you?”

Her scrunched expression telegraphed her response. “That's ….tricky. You see, I have a 1 room studio and....”

“I know I talked to him on the phone. What's his name?” I smiled ruefully.

“Josh. He's a firefighter.”

I raised an eyebrow and let out a wicked smile. “Oh. A firefighter?...”

“Are you sure you're not a girl?” she laughed. “Maybe you always were one and we just never noticed” she teased.

I smiled back politely. Actually, I'd begun wondering the same thing myself.