The Past, the Present and the Future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
Nancy Cole
a.k.a. HW Coyle
BigCloset TopShelf
TopShelf TG Fiction in the BigCloset!
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Comments
Urgg!
Good one!
Maggie
Another
A man walks into a bar holding a book. The bouncer tells him to leave the book behind or pay $10.
"Cover charge."
Titania
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
A person walks into a bar
A person walks into a bar carring a book
The barman says, 'Is that Ferenheit 451?"
The person replies, 'No'.
"Well that's not going to set the place alight is it..."
Boom boom
Ok, I know it is bad but...
The Old Ones Are The Best Ones. Sometimes.
I was ecstatic when after months of burning the midnight oil I finally finished my first novel.
I didn't feel quite so happy when I saw the size of the fine I had to pay when I took it back to the library.
(It's okay, I know where the door is...)
In the Museum of Literary Devices...
As we entered the Museum of Literary Devices, Cliff and I hung our coats on the narrative hooks. We watched in fascination as a native artisan operated a framing device. We rode the Deus ex Machina a few times, and then dangled our feet in the stream of consciousness, gorging ourselves on plot twists. Unfortunately there were parts of the museum that were under repair because they were breaking the fourth wall. As we were about to leave, Cliff approached an odd looking gizmo.
I screamed, "No Cliff, don't stick your neck in there! That's a-"
TO BE CONTINUED...
Well shit, I guess it really CAN happen here..,
.
I got a million of 'em
A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here. Beat it." The string goes outside, messes up his hair, wraps his arms around himself and walks right back into the bar. The bartender asks, "Hey, aren't you the piece of string I just kicked out of here?" The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Admittedly not in the literary genre, but I couldn't resist :-)
.
.
The girl in me.
She's here all week... try the veal.
Where Everyone Knows You're Drunk...
A duck, a kangaroo and a chimpanzee walk into a bar. The chimp says to the bartender, “The usual, Stan.â€
The bartender takes a tall glass from the back of the bar, pours in three jiggers of dark rum, one of brandy, one of banana liqueur and one of spiced rum. He adds grapefruit juice, tangerine juice, lime juice and bitters, puts a lid on it and shakes it up. Then he pours it over crushed ice into another glass, adds half a shot of 151 and sets it on fire. He puts the Flaming Haitian Zombie in front of the chimp with a small square box alongside.
The chimp drinks half of it right down, flames and all, then sits there with a long face–what else? After a bit, the chimp opens the box, takes out a revolver, loads one cylinder and begins playing Russian Roulette, solitaire.
The kangaroo says to the bartender, “The usual, Stan.â€
The bartender mixes vodka, Red Bull, tabasco, cranberry juice and boiling beef bouillon in a thick glass stein and sets the Red Hot Bullshot and a beer in front of the kangaroo. “There’s some girls in the corner who might like to get acquainted, if you’re feeling up to it,†he tells the marsupial from Down Under.
The kangaroo drinks the concoction down all at once, shouts “Whoo!â€, does a double back flip then takes his beer and hops over to meet the cute pocket mice. “Hello, ladies,†he says smoothly. “I’m your entertainment for the evening.â€
The mice are not having any of this, though; they pull out knives and threaten to find out what kangaroo steak tastes like.
The duck climbs up on a barstool and watches the chimp squint then sigh as the hammer clicks down on another empty chamber. The bloody kangaroo runs past pursued by carnivorous lady mice. “What do I usually have, Stan?†the duck asks the bartender.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in here before,†the bartender admits.
Kablooie! The chimp blows his brains out on the next stool over. The mice catch the kangaroo and carve him into screaming tidbits.
The duck looks around the bar and says to the bartender, “You’re right. I’ve never been here before. And I think I know why.â€
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
You can't foola me!
...there ain't no sanity clause....
Love, Andrea Lena
It Gets Worse
If we can go slightly off-topic, then...
An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman walk into a pub.
The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
*
A couple of weeks after she was forced to resign as Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher walked into a pub carrying a pig under her left arm.
"Where did you get that?" asked the barman.
"I found it in the gutter," said the pig.
*
Five punctuation marks and a small reptile walked into a bar. The moment they did so, the juke box began playing a song.
Comma comma comma comma comma chameleon...
http://youtu.be/rtxbM7-jAD0
Chemical bars...
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender replies "For you, no charge."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says "I've lost my electon!" The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "I'm positive!"
An electron walks into a bar. He then saw a proton and ordered her a drink - he found her very attractive. Another electron walked in, which he found was very repulsive.
An unidentified atom walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Do you want to sit at the bar?" "Yes please, I can't find room in the periodic table."
A Neutrino walks into a bar and moans "I got a speeding ticket." "How fast were you going?" "They claim it was over the speed of light, but I think the radar malfunctioned."
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve noble gases in here." Helium doesn't react.
Silver walks into a bar, spots Gold, and says "AU, get out of here!"
Plutonium walks into a bar. The bartender thought he was very unstable.
What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulphur, sodium and phosphorous walked into his bar? "OH SnaP!"
Two rival chemists walk into a bar. The first says "I think I'll have an H2O."
The second says "I think I'll have a water, too."
The first says "Damn!"
Confused? H2O2 = hydrogen peroxide, not exactly the safest chemical to drink!|
And finally...
A Higgs boson walks into a church. The priest says "We don't allow Higgs bosons in here." The Higgs boson replies "But without me, how can you have mass?"
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
haha
big closet not only has story tellers but now they're also jokesters. good ones y'all
robert
What Have You Unleashed, Nancy?
"Barman!"
"Yes, sir."
"Was I in here last night?"
"I believe you were, sir."
"Was I really drunk?"
"I'd say you might have had one too many, yes."
"Was I so pissed I bought everyone in the pub a drink?"
"You did, sir."
"And did the bill come to about eighty pounds?"
"More or less, sir."
"Thank God for that. I thought I'd lost it."
*
Our lass asked us what I wanted for me breakfast. I said a boiled egg. She said all right, but you can't have any tea or coffee 'cause there's no water.
I still don't know how she boiled that egg...
(Bobby Thompson)
Nancy... it's ALL your fault
A man walks into a bar.
OUCH!
* * * *
A man walks in to a bar wearing dust covered boots, overalls, a work shirt and a helmet with a lamp on the front.
"Get Out", the barman shouts. "We don't serve miners here."
* * * *
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
Now THAT one makes some sense, at BC at least.
John in Wauwatosa who will be here thru next....
"Thankyouverymuch, Night all!"
P.S. Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the deer and the possum it can be done.
John in Wauwatosa
A guy walks into a
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a duck on his head.
The psychiatrist says "May I help you?"
The duck days "Yeah, get this man off my ass."
jaime
A dad.
A father walks into his daughters room and trips on a BRA.
It was a booby trap.
I propose
We have a joke book like the great collection of recipes we have.
A horse goes into a bar. The bartender askes hay what's with the long face.
A crab and lobster falls madly in love with each other. The crab proposes and gives the lobster a ring.
When the lobster goes home her mother sadly tells her that it could never work. Why ma ma the girl asked.
Because my dear we walk straight and crabs walk sideways, so it could never work.
The ring was returned by a couple of sharks who explaned what was what and that he could not see his beloved lobster again.
A week later when the lobster family was out to dinner they saw Mr Crab walking a very straight line.
The former girl friend was ecstatic, her parents dumbfounded. The girlfriend ran up to Mr Crab to hug him, just to have him stumble exclaiming, in a very drunken manner,
Good gravey lady do I know you and why are there three of you. Di da bup.
Huggles and giggles
Michele
With those with open eyes the world reads like a book
One of my favorites...
So one Friday evening an Irishman walks into the pub and over to the bar. The bartender slides over to the newcomer and asks his pleasure.
"I'll take three pints, please."
"Three? Are your friends joining you?"
"No, they're for me."
"And you want them all at once? They'll go flat before you can drink them."
"All the same, if you please."
So the bartender shrugs, pours the beers, and serves them. The Irishman takes them over to a table in the corner, settles in, and drinks all three, sipping from each one in turn. After finishing them, he heads over to the bar again.
"Another three, if you don't mind."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course."
"Do you mind if I ask why you're ordering three like that?"
"Well, there's a tale there. Years ago, on our last night in Dublin together, my two brothers and I agreed that each Friday, wherever we were, we'd head down to the pub and order three beers at once--one for each of us--so we could still drink together. Now Sean's in Australia, and Patrick's over in New York, and here I am, and every Friday we can still share a drink."
The bartender nodded, seeing the sentiment in it, and poured the next round. Over time, the Irishman became a regular at the bar, and every Friday he'd order his beers three at a time and settle in at his table in the corner to drink with his brothers.
One rainy Friday evening, the Irishman comes in, greets his friends, steps over to the bar, and orders two beers. The bartender nearly drops the third glass (he'd pulled it out by reflex), and a hush settles over the bar as the other regulars realize what's happened. Nervously, the bartender pours the pair of drinks and sets them down in front of the Irishman, who takes them over to his table, sits down, and begins quietly sipping from them as usual. Soon enough, he walks back up to the bar and orders another pair. Working up his nerve, the bartender sets the two glasses down, and says, quietly. "On the house, friend, and we're all sorry for your loss."
"My loss?" the Irishman says, puzzled.
The bartender blinks, confused. "Your brother? You only ordered two beers."
Now it was the Irishman's turn to blink. Then he burst out laughing. "Oh! No, no, my brothers are fine! My doctor told me I had to stop drinking! But thanks for the free beer!"
Aye, aye....
...Denny O'Flynn is just starting the evening shift tending the bar at Emmet's in South Boston. He turns to see two fellows talking with a lot of animation, so he listens in.
"You're lookin' very familiar you are."
"That you are, too, lad."
"Where ye frum?"
"I'm frum Dublin, I am."
"Dublin???!!!! I'm frum Dublin!!!
"Dublin you say? And where did you go to school?"
"Mount Sackville...."
"Me too...Imagine that. What parish did you attend?"
"St. Annes!"
"St. Annes? I went to St. Annes!" At that, Denny walks over and picks up the phone.
"Mary Kate? It's gonna be a long night. The O'Farrell twins are here and they're drunk again!"
Love, Andrea Lena
It's Political Incorrectness Gawn Mad, I Tell Yer!
Paddy and Murphy decided to spend their lunch break in the local pub. They took their drinks over to a table in the corner, and were about to start eating when they saw a notice pinned to the wall.
CUSTOMERS ARE NOT PERMITTED TO CONSUME THEIR OWN FOOD ON THESE PREMISES.
So they swapped sandwiches.
*
I was holding court at my corner of the bar when the conversation turned to matters Welsh.
"There's only two good things ever come from Wales," I announced. "Rugby players and prostitutes."
A meaty hand tapped me on the shoulder. I turned to see a six foot seven mountain of a man scowling at me.
"My wife's from Swansea," he said.
"Is she?" I gulped. "What position does she play?"
*
Sunderland, the mid 1980s. We're in a bar owned and run by Bobby Kerr, captain of the side that won the FA Cup in 1973.
One of my mates asks Bobby if he can shake his hand.
"Proudest moment of my life when you lifted that trophy, Bobby," he says. "Do you remember it?"
(True story)
Math Jokes
(12 + 144 + 20 + 3 * √4 ) / 7 + 5 * 11 = 92 + 0
A dozen, a gross, and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Equals nine squared and not a bit more
---
A biologist, and physicist, and a mathematician are eating lunch and watching the building across the street. While eating, they see 5 people enter the building and 6 leave.
Says the biologist: "An example of speedy reproduction."
The physicist: "The error in our measurement is 20%"
The mathematician: "If one more person enters, the building will be empty."
Titania
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
Plumbing The Depths
Heard about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.