Wars can happen anywhere. But what do you do when you can never leave the battlefield?
The bar was crowded, and noisy. But as I sipped my drink and waited for my date, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation in the booth behind me. A quick glance over my shoulder confirmed that they were both soldiers from the base on the edge of town.
Both men, too. Or so I thought, at first.
"When I fell in love with Angie, I told her all about me, and she said she understood. But she made it clear she wasn’t a lesbian. She wanted me to be the man she fell in love with, not the woman I knew I was. I loved her, and I wanted her to be happy. So I made the call. To have her, I had to leave the woman inside me ... well, inside."
"Okay, that makes sense. You do a good job hiding her, too. I never woulda guessed if you didn’t tell me that night in Tikrit. So what's going on?"
There was a pause.
"Jimbo ... you got my back, right?"
"Damn straight, buddy. You know that."
"I do, but this next part ... it's hard, okay?" There's a pause, and I think the other one nodded. The first soldier sighed. “The woman inside … she doesn’t want to stay inside, and it gets harder and harder to keep her there every day."
"I'm not sure I understand, Eddie.”
“Okay, listen. The other day, I’m driving down the road on my way home from the base, and I see this woman walking down the sidewalk. She's not a knockout or anything, just somebody going about her business. She’s dressed in something casual, jeans and a sweater, some sneakers. And I catch a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye. Now, I wasn’t thinking about anything, really. I mean, I was just driving, and listening to the music, and I saw her. And suddenly, everything gets blurry, and I can't see the road, and I barely make it to the curb before I start crying like I just saw my best friend die. I knew something in me wanted to be her so damned much, and it hit me so hard it hurt like hell. It was like a knife in my guts, and I just couldn't stop."
"I'm sorry, man. That really sucks."
"Yeah. It's not the first time it's happened, either, and every time it does, it gets worse." For a minute, they're both quiet. Then the first guy speaks.
"I'm so screwed, Jim. I can't set that woman free. I can't be her. That would hurt Angela, and I can't hurt Angie that way. I love her. She's my wife! So what can I do? I’m fighting a war I can't win, because the war is inside me, and I’m fighting myself."
“Can’t you talk to somebody?”
“I’m talking to you, stupid. Or didn’t you notice?” I could hear the grin in his voice.
“I mean a doc, somebody who can help you more than I can.”
“Talk to a shrink? We both know that after all the talking is done, he’s just gonna tell me what I already know. He’ll either say I’m crazy to think I’m a woman, or he’ll say I need to stop fighting who I am and lose Angie. So why talk about it? Anyway, it doesn't matter. I made my choice, and I chose Angie.”
"So ... what're you gonna do?"
"What any soldier in my position would do. I’m gonna hold the line.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
Eddie sighed again. “Every time the woman inside pushes, I gotta push back. Every time she wants out, I make damned sure she can’t get out. Every time I want to cry because I'm not who I'm supposed to be, I man up and remember who I love. That’s all I can do.”
"For how long?"
"As long as I have to. As long as I can."
"That's a hell of a way to live."
"Yes, it is" There was a long pause. "But it’s not all bad, right? I still have Angie.”
"She's a lucky woman, Eddie." I felt one of them get up.
“Anyway, time to get home. She’s gonna wonder why I’m late … and I feel like I lie to her enough as it is.”
“I hear you, man.” The second one got up as well. “Stay strong, soldier.”
“Only way to be, J-man. Only way to be.”
I watched them both walk by my booth and leave, and I couldn't tell which was Jim or which was Eddie.
But I guess that’s the way it’s got to be ... for her.
fighting to keep their true selves hidden every day for the happiness of those they love.
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Comments
I remember those battles well
I thought I could "hold the line" for my ex, for my daughter.
Turned out I couldn't, and I did more harm with my breakdown than I would have caused if I had just transitioned, and now I am transitioning anyway ...
I am nothing...
without the love of my family, and that includes many here. But I cannot begin to thank Randalynn for knowing me perhaps even better than I know myself, and certainly one of a few who knew me before I realized just who I am. My tears are silent for the sake of my family but I weep none the less for the truth of this story. Thank you so much, my dear precious sister!
Love, Andrea Lena
Randa
great little piece Randa. The emotions came out and it was clear to see the love and pain that eddie experienced everyday.
SDom
Men should be Men and the rest should be as feminine as they can be
A touching tale which evokes
A touching tale which evokes too many memories of emotions. But well written, and perhaps a salient reminder nonetheless. .
Well I don't know what I was trying to say, but thanks for the story.
Xx
Amy
We Balance Everything
With a wife, two children, and no skills, the military offered quite a bit. Portia was always there; however, she's always been a pragmatist. To have protection for the family meant trying to make the military a career. If it hadn't ben for my wife and family, who knows where I might have ended up. It's a huge question mark; however, I don't think the outcome would have been good. It took twenty-one years, but I retired with a graduate degree and was able to move on into another career. Transition is something that I can express mostly in my stories. The rest has been minor. Prostate cancer and the results of botched surgery make a physical transition ill advised. I congratulate all who have made the journey successfully, and I offer my best wishes for those who will but have yet to make the transition. For the rest of us who will stand by and watch, I hold your hands as we watch our siisters and brothers move on.
Portia
Sometimes, Love...
Sometimes, love means letting go. Eddie sounds like he's killing himself slowly. This may manifest in drink, depression, risky behavior, or even suicide. And, it's not clear, that even though he loves Angie enough to sacrifice himself for her, that he's really giving her what she needs. It might be kinder to both of them to admit who he is, try to remain friends, and both move on. It'll only get worse the longer it goes on like this.
Some choices are too hard to make ...
... because in the end, Eddie has to live with herself if she leaves Angie and lets herself embrace who she is. She walks a tightrope over a sea of rights and wrongs, dreading what might happen if she falls, but knowing that by walking the tightrope, at least someone is happy, and that someone is someone she loves.
You may be right, Pippa. Eddie is eating herself up inside. But she's hoping her love will be enough to get her through the pain.
*hugs*
Randa
You go until you pop.
I'm thinking of a line from the movie, "Armageddon", where Steve Buscemi, (Rockhound) cries out that one of his team mates is "gonna pop", who then starts shooting things up.
I popped about a year after 9/11 when Bush and his Gestapo finally pushed me over the edge. We go until we can't any more ...
G
As a veteran......
And as someone who has been in this exact spot, I know so well what Eddie is going through. I spent the majority of my life denying who I really was, pushing that person down, holding her in chains for everyone else. I have to say, that it doesn't work. In real life, just like in combat, you don't hold. You move forward, or you move back. You attack or you retreat, but if you attempt to hold the enemy will find a chink in your armor. The enemy will turn your flank and roll up your defenses.
I know - it happened to me multiple times. When you suppress who you are, it finds a way out - and usually sideways.
I felt just like Eddie; I did, and still do, love a very good woman. Yes, she couldn't handle who I really am, and yes, we still have issues. But that doesn't change the fact that I fell in love with the person she was, and that person is still there. We aren't together, and never will be again, but that doesn't change the fact that I love her. I can't live with her though. Life with her, as sweet as it was, is a death sentence.
Unfortunately she couldn't deal with who I really am, and I couldn't be someone I'm not anymore - not if I wanted to go on living. So, no more holding the line for me. Attack and conquer - with new allies to stand with me.
Dallas
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
Sadness
There's a lot of people who have had this conversation. And come up with the same resolution. But I still feel very sad for someone who feels they are stuck in their situation and can't ever be who they need to be.
In real life, these secrets rarely remain so. The stress of "holding the line" can break even the strongest.
Fashion Beast
My blog
Holding the line
That phase means so much and yet applies to this story perfectly. In ancient warefare you carried a shield not to protect yourself, but to protect your comarades as their shields protected you.
In a very real way Eddie was trading his life for Angies. At some point he will fall, becasue nothing lasts forever. However, he is truly in a place where there are no good choices. So he's giving his life for her.
Hugs
Grover
Depressing as hell
Except one thing Eddie doesn't realize, is that the girl is the real person and he's just the mask holding back who she could really be. When the mask is the one living your life, you wish you could kill it because it is taking everything from you. Every year the mask is on it takes another year you could have been you. You could have met a wonderful person who actually loves you, and not the fake mask you put on.
I know who I am, I am me, and I like me ^^
Transgender, Gamer, Little, Princess, Therian and proud :D
Well written, concise piece
I also like the dedication and I think we all know someone who has sacrificed herself for the 'greater good'.
Thank you,
Angharad
Angharad
Goes straight for the heart
Goes straight for the heart and pierces it with shards of sharpened steel.
This story made me put myself in Angie's place. What if I found a girl I really loved, and who loved me back, but told me she wanted to become a man? How would I react?
God only knows...
http://youtu.be/OcAEiGTEWpk
(not the Beach Boys song - this is far more emotional)
This Whole Scenario....
Of killing one's self for someone else is such a tragic mistake. For those stuck in the situation, it is what it is. It may or may not change. The TG/TS partner may go to er (earlier) death being 1/2 a persyn or only the mask of a person.
I thing the situation could be better with unconditional love from the non-trans partner, but the whole thing is the fault of ignorance and trans and homophobia. The GG says, "I'm not a lesbian" meaning: I'm a properly brought up girl, I can't be a lesbian, it's too yucky! And .... don't you do any trans stuff either, it's too disgusting and I'm afraid of being embarrassed or losing status.
If, somehow, being LGBT were understood and not attacked as being lack of morals or against some (mistranslated, misunderstood, and from a primitive society of great ignorance) religion and if kids could transition/be who they are with love and support, this misunderstanding and falling in love with an incompatible partner would be greatly reduced. Maybe in the future....
I also agree with Chelsea.
Nicki, transmen are cool and probably more understanding of a Tgal than a cis man; unless you can't stand men at all.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
I tried for
forty nine years to hold back the Vivien part of myself! Three legal marriages and one Indian marriage. It doesn't work if one wishes to be happy with themselves and if we are not happy with ourselves our partners will not be happy either as sadness is contagious! VERY CONTAGIOUS!
Along with the sadness comes anger that time and again will flash out whether we want it to or not and then regret for our sadness and anger!
There are times that we push so hard to keep our female side hidden that we may tend to forget why we became sad or angry and not realize why the angry sid flashes or flashed out at our loved one or loved ones such as our partner or our children!
It is a terrible mistake to push back the real US!
If we are sad or angry then our loved ones will be too and not realize why! In time this does happen, believe me! I've been there in all of my marriages!
Be true to your selves or be miserable!
Vivien
Talk about ...
... hitting close to home! WOW.
BE a lady!
Randalynn.....
Thank you hon for this one. Such an impossible situation with no way to go without hurting yourself or others..... loving Hugs, Taarpa
Powerful
As the daughter of a Marine, I understand the meaning of duty, honor, and sacrifice. Twice my father volunteered to put his life at risk in a combat theatre... and he did it for me. So that I, and by extension everyone like me, could continue to live in a country where we have the liberty to be the women or men we know ourselves to be, in spite of our genetics.
I didn't comment on this story the first few times I read it because it was too hard. For 32 years I 'held the line' for my family's sake... meaning my mother, father, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. The whole time my wife supported my decision, in spite of her better judgment. She wanted me to drop the act and come out to my family from the day we met. I held the line for 9 years after we were married until my grandparents were passed on... and then transitioned. My extended family then turned their backs on me, my wife, and our two boys. It was the hardest thing that I ever did, but in the end I did it for my boys. Every time they had to watch 'Mom' put on men's clothes and had to call me 'Dad' in front of family, I could see the confusion in their eyes. I was teaching my children how to lie, as I had been lying to them all my whole life.
The reason I'm commenting now is that in the end, they came around. I now have a healthy relationship with most of them and they see me for who I really am. I wasted years of my life, and theirs, lying to everyone and keeping them from even having a chance to grow and become more than they were. I shouldn't have held the line, even for their happiness.
Happiness isn't everything. Life and truth are.
Don't hold the line. Fight! Even if you lose, you have the knowledge that you didn't give up or worse, retreat into death. Even if you're certain you'll lose everything, you owe it to yourself and whoever is keeping you back, to face the truth and give them the opportunity to become better people. Putting it off never helps... it just makes the pain worse the longer it goes on.
I hope this helps somebody someday. :^)