What was lost…
copyright 2011 Faeriemage
Treasure is in the eye of the beholder, and no this isn't a D&D reference.

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AUTHOR'S NOTE: Contrary to popular opinion, I never actually finished this story. Too many things were left up in the air. I plan on completing this, but time that I have is limited so it will take a while. Took 5 days to get this one written, which is a lot slower than I normally write.

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There was a forceful knock on my door and I hurriedly got up and adjusted my clothing before answering it. Not that I was mussed, per se, but that lying on the bed fully clothed was enough for things to have shifted into uncomfortable positions.

That and my jeans were pinching me.

“Can I help..?” I began as I opened the door. The two men standing outside the door shocked me into silence. They were wearing suits that could have come from the same rack let alone the same store and the badges they presented looked official.

“I’m Agent Franklin, and this is Agent Blitz, from the ATF can we come in?”

I stepped out of the way of the door as I gestured for them to enter, “This is about the cannon I found?”

“Cannon?” Brad exclaimed.

“I’ll tell you about it later,” I said with a small smile, “I assume you are here to take possession of it?”

They looked at me as if I were insane.

The confusion I felt most likely suffused my features, “Aren’t you?”

“We’re just here to ask a few questions about it. Are you aware that it’s illegal to own an unregistered firearm of this type?”

“I never wanted it in the first place. How was I to know I needed to register it. How much is that going to cost?”

“That’s not the point,” Agent Blitz said, “you don’t have a Federal Firearms License, we checked.”

“So, I can’t own it, how about I just sell it to someone who has this license?”

“You have to have a license to sell it…”

“Look, boys,” Brad said standing right behind me, “Obviously you have something to say here, so spit it out.”

“Your girlfriend is breaking the law.”

“Really?” He said with a little sneer, “in what way?”

“She owns a cannon.”

“I see, and did you purchase a cannon, Jackie?” I turned to look up at him, but his eyes never once left the agents in front of us.

“I purchased a storage locker, sight unseen that had a cannon in it.”

“Did you try to conceal this fact at any point?”

“No, I called the police immediately. My statement is on record.”

“So, how is she breaking the law?”

“then we’ll just have to take it off your hands,” the first agent said.

“Actually, I can’t let you do that. You see, I’m currently storing your property for you. There is a usage fee you would have to pay first.”

“A what?” All three of them said at the same time.

“I spent money to acquire that storage locker, so for the time being it is mine. That being said, I do not own the cannon in the storage locker, which I acknowledge to belong to the ATF as you two gentlemen have so kindly informed me. So, as soon as we settle up the usage fee, I’ll be glad to release it to you.”

Agent Franklin got a sneer on his face and said, “How much is this usage fee, little girl.”

“$100.” I said calmly.

Agent Franklin reached for his wallet and began counting money.

“You can’t be serious,” Agent Blitz exclaimed.

“Per day,” I said, my voice going cold.

“There is no way we’re going to agree to this,” Agent Franklin said.

“I think you already agreed that her usage fee was fair when you pulled out your wallet, Agent Franklin,” Brad said.

They huffed something about jail time and left. My first call was to the storage facility. I made sure that the manager was okay with me renting out the space.

“With the publicity that the news brought me, I can let you keep the space for the next few weeks for just the hundred you already gave me,” he said. I smiled and hung up. My next call, to the ATF, would likely be a little more nerve wracking.

“I need to determine if you actually have a couple of agents working for you,” were the first words out of my mouth as soon as I was put through.

It took half an hour, most of it on hold, but eventually I discovered that indeed these were actually agents of the ATF. That was about the time that my legs gave out and Brad caught me. He carried me over to the bed and lay me down into it. “Are you alright?”

“I just called out the government.”

“Well, one small part of it,” he said with a grin.

“Are you done in here screwing tall and...oh, sorry, let me come back,” Wendy said. She’d taken a couple of steps into the room without looking and done a U-Turn and headed out all in the space it took her to make that short statement.

“Wait, there is no...anything going on here,” I said blushing.

“Then can I?” she said looking Brad up and down.

“Wendy!” I said, shocked.

“He is cute, Jackie, you go girl.”

I blushed again as Brad put his arms around me. The clock on my desk fairly screamed the time and I pushed my way out of Brad’s arms. After the episode last week where I got my three inch heels stuck in the Muddy ground and almost tripped right into the mouth of...never mind. I was going to wear something more sensible this week. I wanted to wear a T-Shirt.

“What is it,” he asked.

“Game.” I said, still trying to figure out the best gear to fight monsters in.

“Come on, Wendy, I don’t think either of us need to see this right now.”

“Game?”

“She’s with the Game Grrlz.”

“Wow, I had no idea that I was rooming with a goddess among women.” Wendy said with a smile. It could have been more of a smirk, but I don’t really know. Something else had my attention at the time.

“Yep, so while she gets dress…” he shut the door behind him. I mentally thanked him as I continued to go through my clothing to find the right top for the occasion. While I was at it I slipped into a pair of baggier jeans. I needed to be able to move.

I finished dressing and went out into the hallway to look for Brad. He was sitting with his back to the wall next to the door and smiled up at me when I came into view.

“Miss me?” I said with a smile.

He climbed quickly to his feet and put his arms around me. There was only a moment or two where I wondered what was happening and then he kissed me. It wasn’t the soul penetrating kiss that I wanted, but it was a nice chaste kiss on the lips and I couldn’t help but smile into it.

“You know, if you wouldn’t mind ditching your game…”

I swatted him on the arm and he laughed. We left the dorms and made the, much shorter, walk across campus to Carla’s dorm. There was a certain amount of disappointment in me when we arrived, but Brad gave me a quick peck on the lips and left me there. The kiss was enough to smother any feelings of loss I might have, I was an independant woman after all.

“I hope you don’t have plans for the 31st,” Carla said as soon as I entered the room.

“Hello to you too,” I said with a little smile. Carla was vivacious, but tonight it more seemed like something was bothering her. Sadie and Katie were there and each of them had a cat in the cream smile.

“The 31st...please have no plans.”

“I have no plans for the 31st. What’s the 31st?”

“Besides Halloween? Some dances, a few parties, you know, the normal things,” Katie said, still smiling.

With everything that had been going on in my life I’d completely forgotten about Halloween. My old group used to throw a serious Halloween party once a year. We all came in costume and it always seemed that half the school got invited somehow.

Judging from Carla’s glare at Katie, I doubted this was about a party.

“We were invited to The Game this year.”

“What’s The Game?” I said at the same time as I heard a squeal from Jasmine behind me.

“We got in?” she said and began this whole happy girl dance that somehow I got dragged into against my will.

Who am I kidding? Of course I was bouncing and hugging with them, I just had no idea what we were celebrating.

“So, again, what’s The Game?” I say, no less confused for the goofy grin on my face. Sometimes it is more fun to be a girl than others.

“The game, young Jackie, is only the event of the year for all of the gaming groups on campus. It’s not LARP per se, but it is something we will physically doing.”

“This is a campus sponsored event?”

“No, this is put on every year by the greeks. Mostly the sororities. The football players always have a team, of course, but so do all of the other sports teams.”

“Wait, MIT has sports teams?” I exclaimed. It must have been funny because everyone else laughed and after a moment or two I joined in.

“Yes, we have sports teams. Our mascot is the Engineer.”

“I should have guessed,” I said ruefully.

“Anyway, we get together, do obstacle courses, solve logic puzzles, run as fast as we can, and try to get the best time overall...all while in Halloween costumes.”

“You’re kidding, right?” I said.

“It’ll be fun, besides, we have an advantage most of the other teams lack?” Jasmine had a gleam in her eye.

“What’s that,” I asked innocently.

“Girl’s costumes cover basically nothing.”

“That’s an advantage?”

“It is when you really want to move.”

For some reason I thought they were forgetting something, especially since most of the really sexy outfits I’d tried so far as a girl might cover barely anything, but that didn’t mean that they allowed for a lot of movement, but I smiled and went along with it.

I wondered, briefly, how Brad would react to it. Maybe, if he was really good, I’d give him a preview of whatever costume I decided on…

Over the past month, we’d fought three loup-garou. Not one of them had been a local and that worried me.

“Are you about done in there with your primping,” Yaz called from the other side of her house. She lived in a nice colonial home somewhere between MIT and Harvard, somehow I’d never once arrived here conscious and when I left it was always with a purpose so the exact address never stuck in my mind.

“Not my fault that you suck at your saving throws,” Yaz taunted.

“Not my fault that I was monologuing,” I replied.

“You monologue out loud,” Sadi complained and the rest of us laughed.

“Can we go out and hunt, can we, can we can we,” Katie almost panted from the front door and I just had to laugh. Initial impressions aside I think that Katie is a closet nudist.

You talk more than I do.

“Sorry,” I said to the ceiling. It never does to piss of your goddess, even if she is benevolent...mostly.

The other girls threw the aquarium pebbles we were using as fate points at me. I gathered them up with a little smile and said “Thank you,” in as snarky a way possible. We all laughed and got down to the serious business of role playing.

Hours later, when we finally wound down and got ready to leave, I found Brad sitting on the floor outside my door.

“Brad?”

“Hey, Jackie. Ready to go?” he said a little sleepily.

“You stayed out here all night?” Carla said in shock and amazement.

“Well, I couldn’t have her walking home alone,” he said, but his yawn betrayed him. He was tired, and barely on his feet. I couldn’t help it. A grin erupted on my face and moved next to him and slipped one of his arms around my shoulders.

“Come on, du Lac. Let’s get you home and in bed,” I said to him, hoping it was just to him.

I felt more than saw him shaking his head. He made some sound of negation before he said, “I made a promise to you. None of that until you are made whole...you know...there.”

“Did he just say what I think he said?” Jasmine said.

“I think that Brad just told you he would wait for whenever you’re ready to have sex,” Sadie said in a little bit of awe.

“Mostly I think he’s just trying to prove he isn’t gay,” I said with a little self derisive chuckle.

Jasmine walked over to me and really quietly whispered in my ear, “It’s because he is in love with you, Girl. I’m so jealous of you right now.”

The glow that erupted within me just couldn’t be contained. Somewhere, I knew that was the real reason, but I wanted to think the worst of Brad’s reasoning. I wanted to protect myself from any possible hurt that he could cause me. This feeling when someone confirmed my innermost hopes gave lie to the reasoning that I’d built for myself like a house of cards.

We made our way across campus to his house. I began to worry about how I was going to get myself home when Brad spoke.

“Stay with me tonight,” his voice almost pleaded at me.

“Brad…”

“Come on, Jackie. You can sleep on the couch. I don’t want you walking across campus alone at this time of the morning.”

“Brad, it’s sweet of you to say, but I don’t think I can do that. It would be a little wierd sleeping there on the couch in what used to be my old place.”

“then sleep in your old room. We could get some sheets out and make up the bed. We haven’t found anyone, yet, who could take your place.”

“It’s good to know I’m not easily replaced.”

“That’s not what I meant,” he said with a smirk.

“Why did you sit outside the door all night?”

“Because I was stupid and I wanted to make it up to you.”

“By making me walk you’re sleepy ass home?” I laughed after saying it.

“Well, I admit that I didn’t really think it all the way through. I never thought you girls would play for nine hours.”

“Why do you think that Sadie stayed over those times? It wasn’t to see…”

There had been something important I’d been about to say, I was sure of it, but his lips interrupted my train of thought. We were standing there, his body heat keeping away the chill of the night. Unlike the last time we kissed at the house, he never pushed me into anything. He wasn’t trying to prove anything with this kiss. He was just thoroughly kissing me.

“Stay with me tonight?” he said quietly as he looked me in the eyes. All I could do was mutely nod at him and we continued on our way. We were another hundred yards closer to his home before I stopped.

“You can’t do that, Brad.”

“Do what?”

“Ask me serious questions after kissing me like that.”

“Wha..?”

“I’m serious, that was a really cheap trick. I’d have agreed to anything at that moment, and you knew it.”

“Well, ok, maybe I did, but I’m just complicating your life and I thought that if you stayed over at my place it would simplify things a little, at least for one night.”

“See, Brad, if you’d just said that in the first place instead of trying to manipulate me…”

Again I sort of list everything that I’d been about to say. He pulled back from me sooner this time that he had before and I just looked up into his eyes as he smiled down at me. “I’m sorry.”

“Now that was an apology,” I said with a smile, a bit dazed from his kiss, “but don’t think this gets you entirely off the hook, mister.”

“Never. I’ve made mistakes by you, Jackie. I have a lot to make up for that. I know I can never erase my previous bad behavior, but I hope that going forward I can at least replace it with good?”

“You hurt me, Brad. I love you...but there are parts of you that I hate.”

“You…”

I don’t think that Brad was alone in being tired that morning, so I just smiled at him. He kissed me again but didn’t tell me he loved me. I could live with that.

We began walking again but I was a lot more comfortable with him, and the silence felt like a warm blanket and not as oppressive as it had in the past.

“I’ll stay the night at your place, Brad, but don’t plan on this being a regular occurrence.”

“No, ma’am,” he said with a broad grin on his face. It was moments like this that helped me realize I hadn’t ever really been a boy. It’s strange how you can go through life as though nothing is wrong, just because you are who you are.

I think it takes some jarring moment of disconnect for us to truly understand who we are. Catching yourself in a moment of distraction in a mirror, talking to someone who takes the time to really listen and make intelligent responses, or even just really comparing yourself to the people around you are all ways in which this can happen.

We don’t take the time, I think, to really understand ourselves. We allow society to define who we should be, and when we don’t fit we consider it a problem with us not with society, even though society is usually the messed up one.

“You’re awfully quiet.”

“Just thinking about how societal roles define who we believe ourselves to be to our detriment.”

He laughed and hugged me and I smiled. We finally got home from our walk and he was true to his word, making my bed for me while I just watched him. More than anything he’d done for me today, I felt loved by this simple act of service he performed for me.

I lay down in the bed and he tucked me in and I just giggled at him.

“Night, Brad.”

“Night, Jackie.”

It is funny how anything, and in that I include dressing as a girl, can become routine. My appearance had faded into the background by Tuesday afternoon when I went into the hospital again. Dr. Childs took some blood, and chatted with me about my moods and general feeling of well-being then I went up to discuss my issues with my other Doctor.

We chatted and I went home. The rest of the week was the same, which is to say it was all so very normal. I spent time each day with Brad, did my homework, went to classes, and did my best to eat the food that Wendy kept piling on my food tray in a good natured manner.

Thursday was a change in my normal routine. I’d finished class for the afternoon and was working on my homework when my phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Hello, Jackie. This is Landon. Do you have plans tomorrow night?” I was trying to remember if Brad and I had anything planned, and wondered what he was asking for.

“Nothing I can think of. Why do you ask?”

“Well, I thought that it had been too long since I’d seen you last. Would you consider that date I promised you earlier?”

I felt torn. On the one hand neither Brad nor I had promised any exclusivity, but I think there was something implied in the fact that we were seeing each other so frequently. On the other hand, here was this really good looking older guy who was actively pursuing me. It made me feel beautiful in a way that even clothes and makeup never could.

It made me feel desired and desirable. Sure, Brad kissed me, but he never really pursued me.

“I’m sort of in a committed relationship right now.”

“Well, Jackie. You need to decide. You either are in a committed relationship, in which case I won’t offer again, or you’re not. Don’t get me wrong, I think you are a wonderful girl, what little I know about you. I’m not going to take you from someone else. I have too much respect for the both of us to even consider that.”

“Then for now, I am. Sorry,” I said. I really did feel sorry for him. He seemed to be a great guy, and was really hot, but I owed it to myself to find out about Brad first.

I looked at the clock and realized that he’d be out of class by now. He had a later class than I did on Thursdays. There was a bounce in my step as I walked across the campus. I’d chosen him, my Brad, and I was now going to see him. This wasn’t something that was happening to me, but it was something I was making a choice about.

I still had a key and so I let myself into the house and slipped into the back where Brad’s room was.

“Brad, I…” I began, but could get no further. I’d never seen that much skin before in my life. Sure, I’d seen myself naked, but this wasn’t just one person, and you never get the full impact seeing yourself in just a mirror. There was something a lot more visceral about this.

There was screaming and the girl whose face I hadn’t yet seen was trying unsuccessfully to cover herself with her hands while gathering her clothing at the same time.

“This isn’t what it looks like,” she said and for the first time I recognized who it was.

“Jasmine?”

“Brad’s just a boy, Jackie. He has needs and I thought that as a friend…” I put my hand up and she shut up.

“Boys have needs, do they Brad?”

“Jackie…”

“Oh no you don’t,” I said coldly to him. My first impulse, quickly squashed, had been to run from the room crying. “Get dressed, we need to talk.” I turned to look at Jasmine. “Jasmine, would you mind getting dressed in the bathroom.”

“But what if someone else…”

I just glared at her and she meekly left the room. I shut the door behind her and waited for Brad to get dressed. I’d dreamed about how he looked without his clothing. I’d thought there would be a special moment for us in the future, some moment when the two of us would be naked with each other for the first time.

He’d just had his moment with Jasmine instead.

“Jackie…”

“Oh, no. You don’t get to speak. You get to listen, and when I’m done I’m leaving.”

“Jackie…”

“Shut up, Brad. You know what hurts the most? IT’s the fact that you lied to me about being a virgin.”

“But I was…”

“The operative word here is ‘was’ Brad. One year. One short little year and you and I could have been together in whatever way you wanted. Instead, you decided to have meaningless sex with one of my friends because you could.”

He opened his mouth to speak again and I just glared. I think, for the first time, he realized how pissed I was at him.

“Don’t call me, Brad. Don’t stop by my dorm. Don’t you dare ever show up to take me to the game. We’re through, Brad.”

I turned to leave, and then a thought occurred to me, “I really liked you, Brad. I’m not going to miss being with you, I’m not going to miss the relationship we had, but I am going to miss the relationship that I thought we had. One where we were equals and had some hope for the future.

“Brad, I know you’re going to get over me. You strike me as that sort of guy. I’m never going to get over what we could have had.”

“I could change, I could fix this…”

“Ours was a relationship based on trust and truth. We can’t ever get that back, because somewhere inside I would always be worried that you’d cheat on me again.”

“You don’t know what it’s like, Jackie. It’s not like anyone else…” he closed his mouth with a snap and shut up.

“No one else would ever want me? Is that what you were about to say? Brad, I was asked out on a date this afternoon. I thought I already was in a relationship so I told him so. He accepted my response. Well, guess I was wrong about a lot of things. Good bye, Brad.”

I left the room and closed the door behind me. Jasmine leapt to her feet when I got to the living room.

“Jackie…”

“Jasmine, please tell Carla why I’ll not be at this week’s game.”

“Why…”

I just looked at her until she said, “Oh, right.”

It was only after I’d left and was halfway across campus that I realized that I had no desire to cry about Brad or his treatment of me. All the tears I had for that boy had been cried out. All the unhappiness he could cause me had already been inflicted. I’m sure that there would be sadness still to come, but I wouldn’t cry.

There wasn’t any need anymore.

I got out my tablet from my purse and dialed the number.

“Hi, Jackie.”

“How did you...oh caller ID. Right. Um, Landon? Is the offer of a date still open.”

“Not if this is some sort of revenge thing for an imagined slight.”

“He was screwing another woman when I walked into his room.”

“I’m not a rebound, Jackie.”

“What?”

“I’m not going to be your rebound guy. I’m not into cheap sex and meaningless relationships.”

“You think that...no, that’s not what this is about. Sorry, I’m still a bit angry about what I walked in on, mostly at myself more than anything, or anyone, else.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“Yes, no...I don’t know.”

“How about this? Let’s go out tomorrow, we’ll talk about our horrible exes, get reasonably smashed, and I’ll get you home with your virtue intact. We can be friends for right now.”

“I could use a few less ‘friends’.”

“Pardon?”

“He was in bed with one of my friends.”

“Oh, ouch. I’m really sorry to hear that. You’re not planning murder, are you?”

“Not in reality. My character might try to kill hers…”

“Character?”

“We’re in the same role playing group.”

“You can tell me all about it tomorrow.”

“It’s a date.”

“Jackie, we’re just meeting as friends.”

“Landon, I want to date you. I’m calm about this. You tell me I need time, fine, but whatever you call tomorrow, I’m calling it a date.”

He sighed on the other end of the line and I smiled, “ok, fine. It’s a date.”

We hung up and I went back to my room to find Wendy. There was some chocolate ice cream with my name on it in the cafeteria.