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Fuck this shit. Fuck it all up. Fuck it out of the park, out of my life, into deepest darkest space beyond the reach of telescopes. Fuck it into the past, fuck it out of all recognition, break it, twist it, mangle it until there is no resemblance to its original state. Fuck it past its original state, into the primordial pre-fuckery that spawned it.
I am fed up. I just want someone to sort me out, because it is becoming painfully obvious I am incapable of doing it myself.
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO!
If I just be myself, I will just let opportunities float past without doing enough - sometimes not anything. If I try and impose myself on those opportunities, I feel that not only am I imposing, but I am lying to people, including myself.
I have tried hard to avoid lying - to anyone. But not lying is not the same as telling the truth. My truth scares me a little, so I keep it to myself, afraid that it will scare others a lot. Or be misunderstood.
Rant over. Sigh. Back to work...
Comments
On Venting
Venting is healthy. It lets us discharge pent-up negative emotional energy, energy that keeps us from thinking, seeing clearly, and addressing the things we need to take care of, like ourselves.
I hope that's what you're doing with this posting.
Fear and greed are the two biggest befuddlers in investing, and they also permeate our lives in many other ways. They're not all bad, though. The fear emotion is there, part of our inherited makeup, to try to keep us safe. But, we can't let it subsume us. We have to use our intellect to judge the true level of danger and calibrate the level of fear that we can stand. We all have to muddle through life with some degree of fear. But we can't let it paralyze us.
Greed, too, has its uses. It's there to help us try to gather enough food to survive, even if we don't need it right this second. But, in a world of material wealth, or in a world of infinite possibilities, we have to remind ourselves that we can't have everything. (At least in terms of material goods, the comedian Steven Wright jokes, "Where would you put it?" In terms of endless possibilities, when would you have the time to explore them?) It comes down to this: what do you need to survive? What would make you happy? Happy enough, that is. You'll never be, none of us will ever be, continuously ecstatic forever. Being happy with being happy enough is, again, an intellectual exercise. We treasure our happiest moments, and try to forget our boredom and miseries, or at least tell ourselves that there will be more happy moments, enough to satisfy us.
So, vent some more and try to center yourself into a calm state. From there, you may be able to see your route to a better life. If not, don't worry. Take a guess and a baby step in that direction, then reevaluate. A mile is 5280 feet.
'my truth scares me'
There is a saying, 'The truth will out,' so if this is the case, sooner or later someone else will find out what your truth is whether or not you want them to. It might be as well to find someone you trust and share it with them, so you have some control over the process rather than it escaping by itself. From the energy in your blog, it sounds as if you need to do it sooner than later.
Good luck when you do, whatever this deep dark secret is.
Angharad
Angry, frustrated blogs.
I can remember thinking like this before there were blogs; still trying to exist in a life that was painful, frustrating, and crazy feeling. I can now blithely say that a divorce and a change in jobs would have fixed it, but at the time, I had no idea, so I changed genders, and in retrospect that was much more difficult, but of much more lasting effect.
Perhaps finding a counselor to share with could help, but if that does not feel safe, as far as I am concerned, here is fine. :)
Gwendolyn
You seem to have reached ...
It seems to me that you might have reached 'Stage 2' in the typical process of coming out. Stage one being the supressed fearful state where tension continues to build until the frustrations and pressures become impossible to bear. Stage 2 being that pressure cooker stage when eventually one has to somehow confront the issues and begin to act upon them even if this ignites the fuse within you that detonates the emotional explosion and causes you to 'come out'.
Stage 3 becomes the aftermath of that 'explosion' and that's when you find who your friends are going to be, probably the lifelong friends who will stay with you to the end of your days. Some of these will be friends from your previous life and these are friends you should hold precious for they have proven their loyalty, compassion and friendship. Others will be new-found friends who you meet through your new lifestyle. By and large they will be supportive and constructive but most of all they will not likely judge you. These are the friends you will need as you struggle with your own doubts and fears.
There are probably a myriad 'inbetweenie' stages between these three salients but this image should give you a framework, a scaffold on which to restructure your new life.
Good luck on your journey, tread carefully and look in all directions.
Bevs.
What a fantastic beginning to
What a fantastic beginning to a story that could have made. Those first three paragraphs...brilliant!
(I don't mean to be flippant. My own current battles with bureaucracy have reduced me to a similar mental state.)
Thanks for the thoughts
Dear all,
I have calmed down now (actually a while ago, but I have been procrastinating).
Writing seems to have helped, and your advice - applicable or not - has helped. Just knowing that no matter the problem, stated or not, or danced around in the vaguest of fashions, that people are willing to offer advice, to care, that helps.
I still don't know what to do, but talking to someone is probablly a good idea. That will take some courage. Until I can scrape enough together, I have decided to write about it, in a round-about kind of way.
I have decided to attempt NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) again this year, after a few years of half-hearted attempts, and I shall try to make my problem(s) feature in it. Forcing myself to write things down also helps me to think about them critically after I write them down, and perhaps give me a framework to consider them in.
Giving a problem a bit more form may make it easier to contemplate.
Also, parts of it may be worthy of reading by others. So maybe there will be a new contributing author in the future.
Again, thanks. Please be happy that, by making the effort, you have helped.