Sickening.
There are things on this earth that I just can't stand. Blatant disregard for other humans lives. People who refuse to understand something. I'm generally a very open-minded and liberal person. I'm the person that everyone comes to when they need a shoulder to cry on and ear to talk to. I listen unbiased and I don't judge people for what they tell me. (Sometimes I feel like I should be addressed as Father when ever I'm listening to confessions.) After I've listened to what someone has to say to me I give advise to them - point them in the right direction and give them a good website - that kind of stuff.
What sickens me is when ever I need someone's shoulder to cry on or someone's ear to listen to me, I end up with the wrong shoulder and the wrong ear. It's come down to me not being able to express my true emotions in any kind of public setting. I can't cry unless I'm alone. I can't express my anger at someone face to face.
It's sad that my only release for my anger is through ranting and raging to ignorant walls and not being able to release emotion. Basically I've become a bottler. I bottle up all of my emotions. Sometimes people shake me up so much all I want to do is explode right there in their hands. But instead, I count to three, go somewhere private and fall apart anticlimactically. It sickens me that I'm the most open minded person I know. In a town of nothing but ignorant fools I happen to be the only person willing to listen and understand while the people I listen to and try to help, are unwilling to help me.
One person who came out to me actually started spreading rumors about me. I gave them my time and helped them through a bit of depression. And then when it gets out that he is gay, he starts to spread vicious rumors about me. Not just, "Oh, man. You know that Barker kid? Did you know he's gay?" No. Instead there where rumors along the lines of, "Man I caught that Barker kid blowing some guy in the bathroom the other day..." and, "You know that Barker kid likes it anal?" What gives him the right? First off, I'm not gay, and I can't stand anal. I'm also saving myself for marriage (if that ever happens). What the hell gives this person the right? Is he just trying to shove the focus off of his sexuality by making me the object of torment and ridicule once again? It's bad enough I was tortured in junior high school for looking like an ambiguous sissy. Sadly, puberty wiped any trace of ambiguity off of me. Now, I'm heavy set and hairy with the rumor of being gay added to that. As if my plate wasn't full enough already. Nothing is the way it should be. It's sickening.
I can't walk by a crowd of two or more people without hearing giggling and my name being whispered. But still, I decide to help people. I still listen unbiased. I still offer a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. I still find it sickening...
(After Thought: Maybe psychiatrist would be a good profession for me. Dr. J. T. Barker PhD…)
[Note: I'm not attempting to offend anyone. Please don't post any negatie comments, they are NOT needed at the moment. I just wanted to rant, so all I did with this is type the first sentence and let the rest flow. If it doesn't make sence to you thats to bad, I didn't write it for you.]
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Comments
Hmm...
I was bullied at school from the day I started till the day I got kicked out, it never gets easier to bear. As an adult now, I don't see myself as adult but technically I am, I have learned to live with people not liking me or what I think and do. Its one of those skills you have to learn the hard way though, there isn't a quick path to absolution (well there is but no negatives heh!).
My parents always told me to ignore them, the bullies, but you can't, if you ignore them they only find a nastier way to get at you. One thing I did learn eventually is that until you accept that their taunts have no meaning they will hurt.
Two ways you can go with that, just accept them at face value... Are you gay? No sorry I'm quite somber today. ;) Dirty Faggot! Oh I only burn my faggots in the winter when its cold... you could try the one about meatballs but I suspect that one wouldn't work too well ;)
The other way is just to accept that the words hurt and that you can't do anything about them, you can't, the more you protest the more the masses won't believe you and the more that you get upset the more the bullies will bully, you getting upset is their justification.
It can be hard to ignore them, I failed for the better part of ten years, and only in adulthood have I found the way through. And even then I still live with depression and hate, mainly myself TBH. For me really it took a trip of a lifetime to realise that this really is my life time and no-one will take that away from me.
I went to Chile with a youth development charity called Raleigh International http://www.raleighinternational.org I went under the auspices of their youth development program that is for those volunteers that need assistance for a range of reasons. Mine was being socialy disadvantaged. Others were on the program for things like being reformed criminals or having come off drugs, basically people who had had a bad start in life who wanted to turn their lives around. Many did.
While there I had a bit of a run in with another YDP volunteer, it stemmed from the fact I really hate washing up, so I tended to do other jobs to avoid doing it... This chap thought doing this was wrong and threatened to beat me up (he'd already been warned to not threaten anyone else) and after a bit he was sent home early (basically the last resort for people who wouldn't do as they were told).
On the night before he was due to fly back to the base camp he came and threatened me again, now he had no reason to not do so he'd already been told he was going... that night was my turning point, I wasn't going to be bullied anymore. I didn't have a fight with, I lay in my tent and dreamed of a better future...
You have to find your own place in this world there is no easy way, I wish there was both for you and for me and 99% of all the other human beings on this planet. It will be hard, don't turn the other cheek they'll only slap that too, and if all else fails find some really loud music to scream along to, it might not be your thing but it drowns out the screams.
Whatever else you do or don't do, don't flip out and go berserk, it won't solve any problems for you or anyone else, though at the time it might seem like the right thing to do. Remember if you become the same as them you have failed utterly. For a while I did and it is still one of my greatest regrets... well besides not being born the right damn gender... or at the very least not realizing it before I went though puberty and got big and hairy... oh and coming out 13000 miles from home wasn't the best thing either. ;)
Not sure if any of my rambling helped, I hope it did, it was intended to and if it did and you fancy talking some more I'm on here a lot (though I'm bad at checking my inbox), I have no ulterior motives, the only things I'm likely to groom online or off is horses (or more likely in my case goats, cows and sheep... (I live on a farm in case you didn't guess)).
ENOUGH!!!
Sorry I ramble. :)
JC
PS Baz Luhrmann's Sunscreen has lots of useful advice... :)
PPS Go here... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wear_Sunscreen
The Legendary Lost Ninja