Secrets

By Susan Heywood

John finds the body of a neighbour who has been murdered. The police detective assigned to the case deduces that John hides a secret - but the detective has secrets of her own.

Part 14 of 25 — Reunited

“How is he?” I asked as my mother climbed into the front passenger seat. I’d already moved to the rear seat so that she wouldn’t have to do so. Although it’s a four-seat car, the Lexus Sports Coupe (called a ‘drop-head coupe’ in some parts of the world) is not ideal for regular backseat passengers, unless they’re very small children; I know I wouldn’t like to have to travel far in the back.

“He’s much better, he’s coherent and he feels rather silly about the accident. They’ll keep him for another day or so and maybe he’ll be discharged on Saturday.”

“We can pick him up on Saturday if you like and take him home and then we’ll leave,” Jane said as we drove away. “Did you tell him that Jenny and I were here?”

“I mentioned it: he did make some sarcastic remark about John not bothering to visit him. I tried to put him straight but I didn’t want to tire him so didn’t push it. Funny that he didn’t mention Peter all evening but, then again, Peter’s a man so it’s okay for him to be busy. Honestly, you’d think he’d make his mind up one way or another; either he wants you to visit or he doesn’t.”

“Oh,” I answered her, unrepentantly, “he does want a visit alright but not from me, just from a younger son, a sporting hero through whom he can re-live his life, and someone he can insult.”

Jane just rolled her eyes and said, “What younger son? I don’t know of one and neither does he, if he’d only face up to the fact. He has this image of a perfect male offspring who meets all his ideals, but that person doesn’t exist and never has done. Even Peter said that he could be a pain in the backside.”

I sighed. “Come on, let’s go home.”

No one felt much like talking when we arrived, so my mother went to bed, leaving us two downstairs in the living room. We made the most of the opportunity to be alone together and, eventually, we too made our way up to bed. I apologised for the bed in the guest room; it was only four feet wide and didn’t give us anything like the space that we had in my bigger bed at home. Jane simply said that we’d have to make sure to sleep closer together to avoid one of us falling onto the floor.

So we did.

~ O ~

I was the first to wake on the Friday morning. I padded to the bathroom where I took care of necessities, then down to the kitchen where I set a breakfast tray. I made a pot of tea and some toast, a bowl of cereal and two boiled eggs and took them up to my mother. I knocked at the door and went in at her call.

“Well, this is a nice surprise, love; I haven’t been spoiled like this since I stayed with you.”

I kissed her on the cheek, smiled and left the room, heading towards the bathroom again, where I had a shower. I then went back to climb in with Jane, who’d taken the opportunity to spread out on the bed. I kissed her good morning, although, of course, it was a much longer and more passionate kiss than I had given my mother.

“You’re up early,” she remarked as she stretched, yawned and smiled at me.

“I’ve just made up a breakfast tray for my mother,” I said, “and you can take your time in the bathroom while I dress.” It was a while before I could start dressing; Jane got very close and very personal.

Later, we were all seated around the breakfast table.

“What do you want to do this morning?” my mother asked.

“I’d like to pop into town and have a look around the shops,” I replied, and then added, glumly “it’ll probably be my one and only opportunity as Jenny.”

“Oh, don’t say that, love...” my mother began.

“Well, its true, isn’t it? My father doesn’t want to know me so I can’t see myself ever coming back here. Anyway, I’d like to treat you to lunch; I might not get another opportunity.”

We silently washed up and all went to get ready. The atmosphere was rather tense, not happy at all. I couldn’t remember enjoying a shopping expedition less than I did that day, and kept wondering all through it what might have been, had I been born with the right body parts in the first place.

It was a warm day, and it was great to feel the wind in my hair as we were able to drive along with the roof down.

After lunch, we dropped my mother off at the hospital; it was a huge relief to move into the front passenger seat. As it was bright and sunny, we drove up to the car park at the top of the Great Orme, one of the two headlands that flank the bay in which Llandudno nestles.

We went up via Marine Drive, past the old copper mine, some of the tunnels of which are reckoned to be over four thousand years old. At the top, we drove past the upper terminal of the Victorian cable tramway, which had not long ago celebrated its centenary. We welcomed the sight of the little kiosk near the car park and Jane treated us to an ice cream each. We just sat and enjoyed the fresh air and the summer sunshine.

We returned to the hospital in time to collect my mother, who looked much brighter than she had on the previous evening.

“How’s Father?” I asked her.

“Well, he seems okay so far, no apparent damage, although the nurse took me to one side and gave me a list of symptoms to look out for when I get him home. Oh, and he’s not to do any work for a month, just in case there’s any relapse.” She sniffed a little and I put my hand on her arm in comfort.

“He’ll be fine; it’ll take a lot more than a bump on the head to lay him out for long. I’m sure he had a few bumps and bruises in the Navy.”

“I do hope so, love.”

“Did he say any more about me?”

“No,” she admitted, with a tear in her eye.

“What’s the timetable now?” I asked.

“Well, I shall visit tonight and, after breakfast tomorrow, if the doctor agrees, he can come home.”

“Do you want a lift tonight?” Jane asked.

“I wouldn’t say no, that’s so kind of you.”

“We’re here to help so we might as well do so. Whether or not he’ll want help tomorrow remains to be seen.”

“I do hope that he puts this silliness behind him and faces facts,” my mother said, wringing her hands, “he would make our lives so much easier if he would.”

“He’s a stubborn old goat,” I replied, “I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he phones for a taxi. Did he ask how you got to the hospital last night and this afternoon?”

“No, he didn’t.”

“Why am I not surprised?”

“Jenny!”

“Well, he is a selfish old so-and-so, thinking of himself all the time. He hasn’t got a clue how the rest of us tick and just doesn’t care.”

She acknowledged, with a regretful sigh and a nod, that I was right.

~ O ~

We dropped my mother at the hospital, having already arranged for a taxi to bring her home. I had managed to obtain tickets for a performance by The National Orchestra of Wales. We both enjoyed classical music and attended concerts whenever we had the chance. I wondered if Jane would enjoy the evening but she said, “I’m really looking forward to this; I just love American classical music, it’s full of contrasts and just seems to strike a chord with me.”

“That was bad, even for you,” I groaned, but with a smile. I was somewhat relieved that our seats were about two-thirds of the way back and slightly to the left side of the auditorium; at least Jane couldn’t embarrass me too much.

I hope

The concert was well supported; the diverse programme featured compositions by Bernstein, Barber, Gershwin and Grofé, and started and finished with rousing Sousa marches.

We arrived home, greeted my mother, and exchanged news of my father, and enthusiastic comments about the concert.

I asked about my father. “Is he still going to be discharged tomorrow?”

“Well, he looked fine this evening and looked as though he was bored with being in hospital. I’m a little worried that I’ll be able to restrain him for the next month or so. It was hard to get him started but stopping him seems like it will be more difficult.”

“Did he mention how he would get home?” I enquired.

“Yes he did. He said, “I believe that Jane has offered to collect me tomorrow; that’s very kind of her. And I suppose that my son will be with her?””

“I said that Jenny would wait at home as the car wasn’t really suitable for two adult back seat passengers Then he said, “Well, I suppose I’ll have to see him sooner or later: you didn’t manage to make him to see sense so I suppose that I’ll have to do it.””

“That’s acceptance with a capital ‘A’”, I replied, sarcastically.

“Yes but that’s better than I’d hoped; I thought that, if he could just see you and see that you are quite normal, he might relent.” My mother was almost pleading.

“Are you sure about this? I don’t want to be the cause of any problems.”

“Look love, if he doesn’t like it, then I’m very sorry but can you just go straight home?”

“I suppose so; what do you think, Jane?”

“I’d tell him where to go, but then he’s not my father. I had enough trouble with my own family. If he starts on either of us, I’ll read him his rights, and then clap him in irons.”

“I do hope it doesn’t come to that,” my mother said, wondering if Jane was really serious.

I said, “Oh, not a word about our relationship; I think just meeting me is pushing our luck.”

They both understood and agreed; if my father queried the sleeping arrangements, Jane and I were just good friends.

It was now nearly midnight and we had an early start in the morning. We had a group hug and were all a little tearful. My mother again left us to it. We just sat quietly cuddling each other but, very soon, I started to nod off so Jane gently led me upstairs to bed where we held each other tightly and fell into a deep and dreamless sleep.

~ O ~

Despite not having gone to bed until nearly midnight I rose, quite refreshed, at seven o’clock and padded to the bathroom for a shower. I returned to the bedroom, looked at Jane lovingly and said, “I really am a very lucky girl. I still can hardly believe that you’ve dropped everything over the past few days so that you can drive me up here and back.” I climbed back into the bed and gave her a very long and very passionate kiss.

When we came up for air Jane commented, “Hmm, I’ll have to drive you to North Wales more often; that was well worth waking up for.”

I laughed and slapped her gently on the arm, then proceeded to give suitable attention to the rest of her body. The result of my ministrations was obvious — and highly satisfying to both of us. Jane was once again gripped by that awesome ecstasy resulting from the use of my lips and my tongue.

All too soon it was time to make a move. My father was expecting to be discharged at about ten o’clock, after doctor’s rounds, and everyone had still to get dressed and have breakfast.

We all gathered at the kitchen table and I apologised for not bringing my mother her breakfast. “Sorry, I was detained by a police officer!”

My mother gave a little giggle and an amused smile, which briefly lightened the atmosphere. We wouldn’t take long to pack, if it should come to that, when we returned from the hospital. It all depended upon how my father reacted to me.

As they left the house, my mother’s face betrayed her anxiety; Jane’s features were schooled into an expressionless mask. I watched them go and was feeling sick with worry.

At The Hospital

When Ellen arrived at the hospital, the doctors had finished their rounds and discharged Bill. A little after ten o’clock, a porter pushed him in a wheelchair to the main entrance, Ellen squeezed into the back of the car and Jane helped Bill into the front. He thanked her, but she said nothing.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

When they came into the house, I was tempted to be quiet but, in the end, just said, “Hello Father.”

He collapsed into a chair and just sat with his mouth open.

“John? Is that you?”

I just about succeeded in remaining calm despite what I saw as intense provocation. “There is no John and never has been.”

My father was adamant. “As I told your mother, I’m not happy about this at all. I’m very concerned that you’re asking for trouble by deciding to be a faggot and dressing in women’s clothes. I’m sure that behaving normally would cause you less bother.”

I said nothing in reply but went into the kitchen to make tea. When we were all seated, I responded to him. I didn’t raise my voice, even though what I really wanted to do was to scream at him and beat some sense into him. I simply sat opposite him and tried to talk to him quietly and without histrionics.

“Father, I’m going to tell you some things and I would be very grateful if you would hear me out, without interruption. If, when I’ve finished, you still can’t accept that I’ve done my best with the hand that I was dealt, then we will pack and leave and you will never see either of us again. If I do leave, you will only ever have one child; I’ll have nothing more to do with you.”

For once, he was silent but nodded assent.

I was relieved; this was hard enough without him interrupting. I continued. “As you are well aware, I have known that I was female since I was a toddler. As I’ve told you so many times — and you never seemed to listen and, hopefully this is the last time I’ll have to say it - I’ve NEVER been sexually interested in males so, even though I had to act as a male for most of my life, I couldn’t be gay, a homo, a faggot, a queer or any of the other labels that you insisted on sticking on me. I wasn’t what you might call normal; I had too many medical and other issues to even think about relationships. You think I should be John? Can you possibly understand that I’ve been acting the part of John for nearly twenty years? That’s who John really was — an act. John is not me and never has been.

“You talk about asking for trouble. You know very well that my childhood years, and especially the time I spent at that brutal grammar school, were ten years of absolute hell. You should know; you saw the state I was in when I eventually made it home. I was regularly beaten up, occasionally injured, nearly killed on more than one occasion, and frequently suicidal: if that’s not vulnerable, I don’t know what is. I heard what other children called me; it wasn’t nice and it had nothing to do with my eyesight.

“You’ve always gone on about sport. I always knew that the only way you would ever be really proud of me is if I excelled at sport. I wasn’t built for it. I wasn’t competitive in the least; I couldn’t throw or catch a ball and couldn’t run fast enough. No one wanted to even try to understand the physics of my sight problems, not even the teachers. Mother can testify to the number of times I came home from school completely frustrated and in tears. I even asked if you would enrol me in martial arts classes so that at least I could try to defend myself against the bullies. All you had to say to that was, “Fight back” and “You’re imagining it.”

“The girls didn’t want to know; I put them off simply because they weren’t comfortable around me. I just wanted to be friends with them; I wasn’t interested in them as prospective partners. I was viewed as weird and I was very lonely.

“As soon as I could afford to do so I bought my own home. I have a good job: I now get on well with the other people, especially the other women, in the office. When I was acting as John, they were distant. I was still very lonely, I had no social life at all and that wasn’t for want of trying.

“When my neighbour was murdered earlier this year, I met Jane and she helped me to break the cycle of low self-esteem, loneliness and depression. That brings us up to date.

“I’ve seen two psychiatrists and they both diagnosed that I suffer from Gender Dysphoria; that is, the brain of one gender and, more or less, the body of the other — although this body has never been very masculine, thank God. Gender Dysphoria is not like an illness that you suffer from but I certainly suffered. I’m not physically or even mentally ill but I was depressed. I’ve also been told that I would never be able to function as a man because my hormones are so far from the levels that a doctor would expect to see in a male. So, even if I continued to act as John, you’d never get any grandchildren from me.

“I’ve been living full-time as Jenny for two months now and the thought of returning to my previous life fills me with horror. In fact, if you offered me a fortune to change back, I wouldn’t take it. I’ve made more friends in the past few months than ever I did in the previous twenty years and I am certainly very much happier. I am getting on far better at work than I ever did before.

“What it amounts to is this: I never was your son. You may have wanted another son but you ended up with a son and a daughter. For most people there isn’t a problem: what you see is what you get. For one child in a couple of thousand or so, that doesn’t apply. Unless there are serious physical or mental signs, there are no easy ways to tell until the child either doesn’t conform to type or acknowledges that there is a problem.

“Know that I love you and Mother completely and unconditionally as a child loves its parents but, if you can’t accept me as I am, I am prepared to leave now and never see you again. It’s your choice. I never asked for this; I would have been quite happy to be all girl at birth. It was not to be. But, as I say, this is me and I’m never going back.

“It has, and will, cost me a lot of money to correct my birth anomaly and I also have the dubious pleasure of the interference of the medical profession at every twist and turn. But that’s the hand I was dealt, and this is the only way I can see to play it. By the way; these aren’t just women’s clothes, they’re my clothes, and they fit properly, which menswear never did.”

My father looked stunned. He’d never understood me and he’d probably never tried; he’d never really listened to my side of the story of my childhood. He put his head in his hands and was silent for a minute. When he looked up he said, “You really are very pretty; I thought you’d look stupid dressed as a woman. I can understand how you must feel.”

I was incensed and shouted at him. “NO, FATHER! YOU CAN’T UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL! You were born male and probably never had any identity problems. You never even had to think about whether or not your brain matched your body. No! You have no idea how I might feel. How would you like to be hated, bullied, victimised, shunned and possibly even killed just because of the way you were born?” I was getting quite heated.

“I’m sorry love, I had no idea,” he wriggled. I was still pretty wound up and the endearment flew right over my head.

“Oh, you had an idea alright; you were told enough times, but everything had to be done your way, because ‘you were always right’.”

He had the grace to look a little contrite. “If you don’t mind my saying so, you look quite normal for a girl — very pretty. You look right, if you understand me; I thought you’d look like John in a dress.”

“I should hope I do look normal. I am female and always have been. And I’m sure that any of my friends would let me know if I were to wear something that didn’t suit me.”

My father tried to protest. “I still can’t say I’m happy with this, but then your behaviour always struck me as odd. I just couldn’t understand why you didn’t try harder to fit in, as I was sure that was the cause of the problems you were having. Young people have very narrow views of things. If you fall outside their idea of normal you can immediately attract the wrong kind of attention and become a victim. I can understand to some degree about the glasses, although you weren’t the only one wearing them. What I’m still struggling with is this business of identity. Surely boys are boys and girls are girls?”

I almost thumped him and could see Jane getting ready to grab me before I put him back in hospital. “FATHER; you’ve just answered your own question; yes, I AM female and I’ve always been female. I just had several birth defects. Young people do notice when one of their peers is different. I didn’t ask to be different; that’s just the way I was born. You can’t tell me that a toddler would willingly incur a lifetime of harassment, hatred, and the risk of being murdered by bigots, who are so prejudiced that they feel threatened by their own shadows!”

“Well,” he said, “I don’t want to drive you away: you are still my child and all I’m trying to do is protect you.”

“You know nothing about protecting me; the only thing you ever wanted was for me to be a clone of you. That was never going to happen.”

At last, that shut him up. He was silent for several minutes.

I decided that it was up to me to move things on. “Okay, then; do you want us to leave now, or do we all go out for lunch?” I’d reached the end of the line and was within seconds of walking out of the door.

“But…What about…What if…,” he stammered.

“You agree that I look presentable. What’s to stop us all going out — or are you worried that I’ll embarrass you? Is your ego that fragile?”

There he had it. If he answered “no”, then what was there to stop us all going out to lunch and, indeed, continuing our relationship with me as his daughter? If he answered “yes”, then we would go and pack and he would never see me again. He was between a rock and a hard place. I know he’d just been released from hospital but I had nearly twenty years of anger to unleash and he was right in the firing line. I didn’t feel the least bit guilty about it.

“Well, I need time to understand this, and talk it over with your mother.” He was obviously procrastinating.

“You’ve had quite enough time to think about this: I reckon I’ve been very patient with you, but that time has now run out. Jane and I will now go and pack. You’ve got one hour. If I don’t hear from you by then, we’ll go straight home and you’ll never see me again. Mother has the number of my mobile phone.”

Jane and I walked purposefully out of the lounge and up the stairs to the guest room. Within a few minutes, we returned and walked out of the front door. They must have heard the car leave; I’m convinced that Jane had been a rally driver in a past life.

Llandudno, North Wales

Ellen and Bill sat in silence for several minutes staring at their empty coffee cups, not looking at one another. Suddenly, their quiet contemplation was disturbed by the ringing of the telephone. Ellen answered it.

~ Hello Mum, its Peter. How’s Dad? ~

She moved to the kitchen and, having closed the door, told him about the various scans, that Jenny had visited, that Jane had collected them from hospital that morning and that we’d just left.

~ For good? ~

“That depends on your father.”

~ Oh! Look, sorry we didn’t get over sooner, I couldn’t get away: crisis at work ~

“I understand, dear,” she said, gently. She knew that Peter was self-employed and sometimes had to work unsociable hours. He was also liable to be called in at any time of the day or night to fix some problem or other: one of the joys of being your own boss.

~ Will you be at home tomorrow? ~

“Yes, we will.”

~ Could we come over and take you out for lunch? ~

“Yes, thank you; that would be lovely.”

~ Will Jenny and Jane still be there? ~

“That depends upon your father.”

~ This is ridiculous! Let me have a word with him ~

“Now don’t you go upsetting him, will you?”

~ I’ll try not to do that. I’ll just tell him a few home truths ~

Ellen took the phone in to Bill and mouthed “Peter” to him.

“Hello lad.”

~ How are you, Dad? ~

“I’m okay; they couldn’t find any lasting damage so I just have to take it easy for a month or so. That’s going to be hard work. Just when I’ve found something useful to do with my time, I go and fall off a ladder.”

~ Well, I’ve no doubt that Mum will keep you in order. We’d like to come over and see you; Mum said that tomorrow would be fine. We can maybe go out to lunch. ~

“That sounds nice; it will be good to see you both. Will you bring the children?”

~ No; we’ll leave them with Emma next door. Anyway, what’s this about you upsetting my sister? ~

Bill was still smarting from the tongue-lashing that he’d received. “I tried to talk some sense into John but he still isn’t interested. I’m worried that he’s going to get a lot of stick over this.”

~ Come off it, Dad. It’s obvious that Jenny is happier now than ever before in her life. Give her a break: she had nearly twenty years of sheer hell and it can’t help either of you if you still persist in ramming your prejudices down her throat. ~

“I am not prejudiced!”

~ No? What is it then, she looks pretty good now. When everything is fixed she should look even better. ~

“Yes, some expensive procedures were mentioned. How much do you think?”

Peter really had no idea so he gave his father a figure that should grab his attention.

~ About a hundred thousand pounds might do it, plus what she’s already spent, which could be at least that much again. ~

“Crikey, that’s serious money!” Bill was surprised.

~ Well, that’s the sort of money it takes to fix Mother Nature’s little joke. ~

“So you think it’s that serious?”

~ I’ll tell you Dad; if I’d had the childhood that poor kid had, I’d be dead by now, I don’t think I’d have coped. ~

“Hmmm, I’m learning a lot today and it’s making me think. I thought I had it all worked out but perhaps I’ve been wrong.”

Peter snorted.

~ Yeah, I’ll agree with that. How long since they left? ~

“About twenty minutes. Why?”

~ Can you call her? See if she can stay until tomorrow? I’d like to see my sister again and I’d like to see you, if not accepting her, at least giving her the benefit of the doubt. ~

“Okay, okay. I get the message. So I’m just a bigoted old goat, right?”

~ Sometimes, Dad: but you love us all and I’m sure you want the best for us. But give Jenny credit for knowing her own mind and body: you don’t know the half of what she went through as a child and I think that she deserves some happiness now ~

“All right; we’ll call them and ask them to come back.”

~ We’ll see you tomorrow then, late morning. ‘Bye now ~

“’Bye son.”

When he had hung up, he turned to his wife. “Have you got Jo…Jenny’s mobile number?”

Ellen found her little phone, then speed-dialled a certain number.

~ Hello Mummy ~

“Hello love, could you come back? Peter called and I think that your father has something to say to you.”

She listened for a moment, smiled and flipped the phone shut.

“They’re on their way.”

“How long have you had a mobile phone?” Bill asked.

“Since I stayed with Jenny.” She replied, matter-of-factly.

“Oh.” Bill acknowledged and then continued. “Maybe I’ve been a bit hasty in my judgement; maybe I’m measuring John’s behaviour against that which I found in the Navy; and I need to take some time to find out more about this. I can’t promise that I’ll find it easy but I will try.”

“Thank you, dear,” Ellen said, with tears in her eyes, but with her heart uplifted,” I can imagine just how much it cost you to say that.” She felt that now was as good a time as any to spring her little trap. She’d found some information that, she hoped, would satisfy Bill beyond any doubt. She asked, “You remember that film we watched on television on Wednesday evening?”

“What, that adventure thing?”

“Yes, that one. Well, did you know that the leading lady was born a boy?”

End of part 14