Secrets

By Susan Heywood

John finds the body of a neighbour who has been murdered. The police detective assigned to the case deduces that John hides a secret - but the detective has secrets of her own.

Part 8 of 25 — Reassurance

Jane hugged me protectively. She held me and kissed me lightly on the face and made little soothing sounds.

I gradually came to and held onto her as though I were drowning. She continued to whisper soothing words and I eventually calmed down enough to smile weakly at her and tell her about the dream. Was it odd that it happened to Jenny, not John?

“Was it just a bad dream?” She asked, tenderly.

“Oh, I’m so glad that you’re here.” I shuddered. “The dream was horrible, everyone was so beastly to me, I couldn’t believe that they could be so cruel,” I cried again, more in relief. “Oh, I’m so glad it was just a dream.”

“Shhh, my love, I’m here and will try to let no harm come to you. I love you very much; you know that, don’t you?”

“I am such a lucky girl; I don’t know why.”

“And lovely,” she said and kissed me soundly.

“What time is it?”

“Nine o’clock.”

“My memory of last night seems to be a bit hazy.”

She laughed. “I think you’re not used to that much wine at one sitting.”

I smiled and offered my lips for a kiss. “I still can’t really believe this is happening.”

“Believe it my darling. And from now I’ll do my best to make sure that it gets better.”

“Do you really have the weekend off?”

“I certainly do. I’m all yours for a whole forty-four more hours. I just need to go home at some point and collect something else to wear to the station on Monday morning. I suspect that my dress is not really appropriate for interviewing villains. Distracting them, yes; interviewing them, no.”

I chuckled. “In that case, we’d better go food shopping. We’ll need dinner for today and we’ve a couple of the girls from the office for lunch tomorrow.”

“Can’t we just have chicken like normal people?”

That earned her a pillow fight, which quickly ran out of steam as I ran out of energy. We ended up, laughing, in a tangled heap on the bed.

When we’d calmed down somewhat, she said, “These must be special people for you to invite tomorrow.”

“Celia and Jill are wonderful and have been a tremendous support throughout all this. I can’t wait for them to meet you and they’ve both agreed to field questions during my pre-transition leave before I return to work full-time. Which reminds me: I’ll need to write some letters soon; to various government departments, and so on.”

After a shower we dressed casually and breakfasted on toast and tea. I always insisted that we take our baths and showers separately, as I never wanted her to see any sign of anything that didn’t belong on a woman, even though the offending item was quite small.

She drove us to her home so that she could collect some work clothes. She had some daywear in her ‘emergency case’ as she called it.

Her modern penthouse apartment was on the top floor of a large block, within its own grounds. She let us in and showed me around.

I was speechless.

“There’s not much to see, just one big living room with a kitchen on one end, an en-suite bedroom, a second bedroom and a bathroom. It’s not much but big enough for me.”

To me it was huge; the whole place was larger than my apartment. I noticed that it was very plain and gave nothing away about its owner. She saw me looking around.

“It’s just somewhere to crash when I’m not working or visiting some gorgeous chick over on the other side of town.”

I smiled at being described as a gorgeous chick.

“I’ve never been fired up about doing much with it; it was just an investment. I understand the block has appreciated in value in the past few years. I’ll probably just rent this place out for now; it’ll probably pay for the car.”

She went into her bedroom and emerged a few minutes later with a dark grey trouser suit, white tee-top and black lace-up shoes. These she put in the garment bag that I was already holding for her. She checked for new telephone messages and then we left for the next stop. She then thought of something. “Why don’t I keep a few essentials at your place, just to cover eventualities like this weekend?”

“That’s a good idea. I’ll clear some cupboard and drawer space in the spare bedroom.”

Oh goody; more Jane time

We drove to the main shopping centre and wound our way up the spiral ramp to the car park on the top. We waited what seemed like ten minutes while other shoppers played musical cars or idled their time away discussing everything from the weather to who slept with whom in ‘Emmerdale’ (a British television soap opera).

“They obviously don’t have any other life,” I moaned, “look at them, no consideration. Anyone would think that they’ve got all day. And even I could park a lot better than most of these. Look at that pillock in the BMW; you could get a bus in there.”

“Calm down, my love,” Jane said, gently, “They’ll move when they’re good and ready.”

We eventually found a space, into which she reversed the Lexus, and then made our way down in the lift to the ground floor.

I led the way into SpexExpress and Jane appeared relieved that I seemed to have calmed down; if she had put my tantrum down to stress, she would have been absolutely right. I was wound up like a clock-spring.

“Hello, how can I help you?” asked a young woman whose lapel badge identified her as Heather.

“I’ve come in to collect a new pair of spectacles,” I replied, and then hesitated a little. Then I added, “And I’d like to change my name on your records”.

“What name was on the order, please?”

“John Smith.”

Heather found the order and stared at me. “Sorry for staring. These are obviously unisex spectacles, although more women’s than men’s, and were ordered by John Smith but, clearly, you’re not John.”

I cleared my throat and quietly said, “I’m Jennifer Smith; I was called John.”

Heather’s face registered a look of amazement, followed rapidly by a look of understanding. She then simply smiled and said, “I think it would be easier if we just completed a new record for you. Please take a seat; this will only take a few minutes.”

It was as simple as that. No fuss, no trouble. I walked out fifteen minutes later with a new, feminine, pair of spectacles and had also ticked one entry on my TO DO list in the process. I was surprised that most of the businesses with which I dealt also handled my name change with similar ease. Clearly many of them had trodden a similar path before — or done their homework.

Then we headed into the supermarket, grabbing a trolley as we went.

On the way past the vegetable rack, I noticed that Jane kept glancing at me. “Is there a problem?” I asked her.

“No problem, my love,” she laughed. “I was just thinking that those new spectacles really do suit you very well. I wasn’t sure if you could look more beautiful but I have to say that you do. You look just like one of those very attractive news readers on television.”

“Except that I don’t earn their salary,” I moaned.

“I don’t care about that, I just care about you.”

“You’re probably just obsessed with sex.”

“No, I’m obsessed with you.”

“Well, just you keep your mind on what you’re doing for a little while and watch where you’re going with that trolley, we don’t want an accident.”

“Oh, there won’t be an accident,” she commented, “You wait until we’re home and then anything that happens will be quite deliber… Ow!” I’d slapped her on the arm.

The supermarket was fairly crowded. I had a shopping list and Jane just sniffed. “I just wander around the shop and fill the trolley with things I think I need. Then I arrive home and realise that I’ve forgotten something essential like milk, bread or soap powder.”

“Not having a brilliant memory like yours,” I said, sarcastically, “I make a list and stick to it. It saves me impulse buying, getting it home and then chucking it out when the ‘use by’ date expires. That doesn’t mean that I can’t still get it wrong. I sometimes forget to take the list.”

“Okay Miss Smartypants, what’s on your list today?”

I showed her.

“What’s for dinner tonight?”

“Do you like lamb chops?”

“Umm, yummy. If they’re as good as that ‘Pork in Cider’ thingy you cooked last night, I’m hungry already.”

“I usually grill the chops and serve them with minted new potatoes and garden peas. Very traditional.”

“Like I said; yummy.”

“And I thought I’d do chicken for tomorrow. Most people like chicken and any leftovers can go for sandwiches.”

“If there are any leftovers.”

“I think you should be called Jane Hollowlegs. Where do you put it all? You don’t appear to have an ounce of spare fat but I did notice that there was nothing left over from last night’s meal.”

“I’m a big girl, I have a high metabolism and I use a lot of energy in my work. Anyway, the little you eat would struggle to keep a mouse alive.”

I sniggered.

She didn’t look at all contrite, but said, “You’ll make someone a wonderful wife one day and, if I have any say in the matter, that someone will be me.”

That earned her another slap on the arm.

“Ow!” she protested, “my future wife is abusing me.”

“Will you please shut up and help me with the shopping?”

We rolled our goods to the checkout and then had a stand-up fight about who was going to pay. She won.

“You amaze me,” Jane said, later, when we were settled back at my place.

“Pardon?”

“A month or so ago, the man who lived here was a shy person who wouldn’t say “boo” to a goose. Now there’s you; gorgeous, sexy, fantastic legs, brilliant kisser, brilliant cook, whatever next?”

“It must be the company I keep,” I said, grinning.

“Very true,” she agreed and quickly stepped sideways to evade another bruised arm.

“By the way, have you put the photo on your desk yet?” I asked.

“Yes, I have. The girls took a good look and said something like “Love the top” and “gorgeous hair, though she could do with a good cut and style”. The men sidled up to the desk and shyly asked, “Who’s the bird then?” I tell them, “My girlfriend,” and they walk away muttering something like “fucking dyke”.

“Oh. Do they know my history?”

“Other than you being an accountant, no they don’t.”

“I’m not an accountant, as you well know.”

“Like I say; if you’ve got it, flaunt it. They generally don’t know or care what you do for a living, although a couple of other women in the office, might be just a teeny bit jealous that I’ve managed to snag myself an accountant but, hey, so what?”

“But I’m not…”

I suddenly found myself silenced by lips descending on mine and
claiming possession. I could definitely handle that.

We both dressed for dinner, anticipating the joy of togetherness that the evening promised; we both liked seeing our partner looking glamorous.

Jane looked stunning in her midnight blue velvet dress; she was a big woman, tall and well-built but without an ounce of fat. A very deep plunge at both the front and back of the dress told me that she wasn’t wearing a bra. I was looking forward very much to taking that dress off her.

My figure-hugging dress was in a soft pale green with a silver thread that shimmered in the light whenever I moved. Jane seemed to be struggling to keep her hands off me until after dinner. She didn’t quite manage it.

I think I again impressed her with my culinary skills. She said that she’d eaten lamb chops many times before but thought that I could give the television chefs a good run for their money. The chops were so tender and coated with my special seasoning. I love cooking and have developed my own range of seasonings.

She thought back over the day that was just ending. “I can’t get over how natural and fearless you were; it was like you’ve been doing it all your life.”

After dinner, we sat cuddling in the sitting room and the television was switched on at low volume. We were ostensibly watching a film, but neither of us could recall the plot; we were rather engrossed. I’d soon become restless and again wanted to practice my new interpersonal skills — Jane could handle that. Before long, we’d adjourned to the bedroom and slowly and sexily undressed each other.

She asked what she could do for me.

“Not much at the moment,” I replied. “I haven’t got all the right bits, although my breasts seem to be getting more sensitive. Just hold me and kiss me; just to know that you’re here gives me a huge thrill. I never in my life believed that I could feel this way: I feel so warm inside and so happy I could sing.”

“I wonder how well you sing when I play these?” she said, before rolling a nipple between her lips.

I demonstrated my vocal talents; then I needed to change my panties. I had no idea that attention to my breasts could result in such all-pervading feelings. Of course, it might have had something to do with who was giving them attention.

I then continued to show my love for her, and was determined to discover more interesting places on her body. I brought her to peaks of delightful pleasure: time and time again she scaled the heights and eventually had to ask me to ease off because she was completely exhausted. We eventually opted for sleep and, fortunately, I had a dreamless night.

~ O ~

Sunday morning dawned with a fresh breeze although there was a definite promise of a brighter day ahead — a good portent of summer. I was smiling contentedly as I snuggled into Jane’s arms. Neither of us wanted to let the other go but I eventually had to get out of bed and answer the call of nature. It was now nearly nine o’clock and Celia and Jill were due to arrive in about four hours time.

“How long will lunch take to cook?” Jane called.

“About an hour and a half,” I replied from the bathroom. I showered and returned to the bedroom, where I dressed in a cool summer skirt and a pale lilac camisole top. I found my white low-heeled sandals in the wardrobe and, after putting them on, finished my makeup and brushed my hair.

Jane just sat watching me. I glanced her way, poked my tongue out and she beckoned me over. I smiled and poked my tongue out again. She grabbed it with her lips and that occupied another ten minutes. Then I had to redo my lipstick.

She said, “Being yourself obviously agrees with you; you are a lot more confident now, and last night was fantastic. I’m still tingling from your touch.”

I smiled, and then she changed the subject.

“As we have a couple of hours before lunch, do you fancy a walk in the park?”

“Hmm, that sounds nice, but won’t we attract attention?” I asked, concerned about our safety.

“Probably; and you will definitely attract attention — from me; but I’ll not have society dictate when I can touch my girlfriend and when I can’t. And if anyone gets difficult, I’ll just have to arrest them for behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace.”

I laughed, though it was a little nervous laugh. “It might be said that our behaviour could be seen as provocative.”

“Well, what we are doing is now legal so I don’t care. Anyway, I’ve a black belt in origami so I’ll just throw paper aeroplanes at them until they go away.”

“You are silly, but I love you very much.”

“You do?” she asked.

“Yes, I don’t know why given your terrible jokes, but I do. Where do you get them, anyway?”

“I usually get them from Bill Stoneley, our custody sergeant. He’s getting on a bit; due for retirement soon, but he’s quick on his feet and sharp as a razor.”

I said, with a smirk, “He really is the ‘Old Bill’ then?” (‘The Old Bill’ is villain slang for the police.)

Jane groaned theatrically. “That was worthy of me, that one.” She proceeded to kiss me into submission. I repaired my makeup before we headed out for our walk.

~ O ~

Before dinner the previous night, I’d taken the chicken breast fillets out of the fridge, sliced them lengthways and browned them in oil in a deep-sided frying pan. I emptied two jars of tangy marmalade into a large jug, added a stock cube and three-quarters of a pint of hot water. I allowed the mixture to cool and poured it over the chicken so as to marinate it.

~ O ~

I’d seen a couple of other women walking arm in arm and decided that I liked the idea; I grabbed Jane’s arm for support and closeness. We wandered alongside the stream and watched the fish. Then we stopped for a few minutes and watched a game of tennis, and again to view the gravity-defying stunts on the skateboard ramp. I didn’t want to stop there too long in case we attracted the wrong sort of attention.

~ O ~

We spent another pleasant hour enjoying the sunshine before returning home to prepare dinner. She asked if there was anything she could do, so I gave her an apron, a knife and a chopping board, and put her in charge of preparing the salad.

I put on my apron. I turned on the heat under the frying pan for twenty minutes so that the chicken could take up more of the flavour of the stock. I then reserved the chicken in the smaller oven and began reducing and thickening the stock, adding a little cream and a small glass of brandy. When the thickness met with my approval, I again placed the chicken in the pan and turned the heat down to simmer.

The door entry phone announced the arrival of our visitors and Jane let them in. Celia carried a bunch of flowers and Jill a bottle of wine. They stopped, transfixed, at the kitchen door.

“Jenny?” asked Celia.

“Celia! Jill! I’m so pleased to see you,” I greeted them with a smile, hugged them and gave them both a kiss on the cheek, “I’ve been looking forward to being able to do this.”

“But you look absolutely amazing! How.…”

“It’s all down to the light of my life. Jane; my work colleagues Celia Caterham and Jill Burnett. Girls; my darling Jane Dyson.” Jane put a protective arm around my waist; Celia and Jill smiled at each other.

“Wow, you didn’t waste any time, did you? There’s sure to be some disappointment in the office when you return.”

“Tough,” Jane said, protectively, “She’s my girl and that’s that.”

“Oh dear; the office Lotharios are certainly not going to like the fact that you’re spoken for,” laughed Jill.

“They’ll live; they’ve ignored me, except when they’ve wanted something, so now it’s my turn,” I replied, tossing my head, “now if you’ll excuse me for a few moments I have a date with a packet of rice.”

Jane entertained them in the living room while I went into the kitchen; I could clearly hear their conversation.

“I just can’t get over how natural she is, there’s no obvious male there at all,” Celia said, after filling Jane in with the details of the various events in the office.

Jane agreed. “It was like pushing a snowball up a hill; once over the top, she quickly gathered momentum on her own.”

“I reckon you had a lot to do with it, Jane,” Jill observed. “Seeing the way that she looks at you, I’d say you’re being very modest.”

Lunch was a very happy affair and there were lots of appreciative comments.

Jane was surprised when I produced apple pie and cream for dessert. “This pie is delicious, but I don’t remember us purchasing it yesterday,” she enquired, before popping another spoonful into her mouth.

“That’s because I made it on Thursday,” I answered her.

“As I told her yesterday, she will make someone a wonderful wife and, if I have anything to do with it, that someone will be me.”

I flushed with embarrassment, but the compliments on my cooking soon had me positively beaming. I also had a warm glow inside due to all the female pronouns flying about.

“I still don’t understand how you managed the male disguise for so long,” said Celia. “I know I saw the photo and you look good in that, but it still didn’t fully prepare us for this.”

“Thank you. It was a combination of fear, lack of confidence and wanting to do the right thing by everyone else, instead of being selfish and putting myself first,” I answered.

Jill said, “Well, I for one am glad that it’s going to be sorted out at last; it’s been no fun having to be careful what I say around the office. I was always afraid that I would drop you in it with an unguarded comment.”

“How long have you both suspected, Celia?” I asked.

“Oh, since just after you joined the department,” she replied with a little smirk, “We suspected that there was something different about you; at first we thought you were gay, but you never showed any interest in the men. You did seem to join in the girl-talk very easily, though — when you weren’t being ignored.”

I blushed.

Jill asked, “So what’s the plan now?”

“It all happens on the first of July,” I replied, “so I suppose we’d better get some suitable answers ready in case anyone asks for more details. Sue Fuller wants me to prepare a short statement that she can send out in the early part of the previous week. I go on leave for a week and a half and return as Jenny. I’ve several dozen letters to write to various authorities; driving licence, passport, bank and so on. I also need to purchase a load of clothes to wear in the office. And this is all after I’ve found a solicitor to deal with the legalities. It’s going to be a busy and expensive couple of weeks.”

We spent a couple of hours after lunch, working out what questions people might ask and just how much - or how little - they would be told in reply. We then drafted a statement for Personnel to send out. Finally, I filled in the sample ‘Change of Name’ Statutory Declaration that we’d downloaded from the Internet. We completed and printed what we could and my colleagues witnessed my signature as necessary.

After we had tea or coffee, they prepared to leave.

“Thanks for a lovely lunch: we are both looking forward immensely to having another girl in the office,” Celia enthused.

“Greg asked me not to pull ‘time of the month’ too often,” I smilingly replied.

“Bloody cheek! He gets a lot of work out of us and we rarely have any time off.”

“I think he was joking,” I said.

“Well, we’ll keep an eye out for you, love, don’t you worry,” Jill insisted, “And so will Maddy and Sarah, I’m sure.”

“I know you will and I’m truly grateful.”

After they had gone, Jane and I cleared up the lunch things and then relaxed in the living room.

“They are super, and have already been a great help to me. Greg is a great boss; in a way, he brought all this to a head in the office and enlisted Celia’s help in doing so. He encouraged me to talk to Personnel and has been really helpful.”

“They do all seem good for you and good to you: I’m glad that you have friends there, it’s really important. By the way, I’m on duty at four o’clock tomorrow morning, so I think an early night is called for. Do you mind?”

“I’ll get up to see you off.”

“No you won’t; you need your rest. I’ll be okay.”

We cuddled for a while and then went to bed.

~ O ~

I woke briefly at about three o’clock on the Monday morning when Jane kissed me goodbye. With great reluctance, but knowing that it wouldn’t be for long, I left Jenny in the closet.

When I saw Celia in the office, and after the usual greetings and re-hashing of the weekend, she asked, ”How much do you know about Jane?”

“Not a lot, really.”

“Don’t get me wrong; I see the way that she looks at you — you’re the light of her life. But there’s something about her I can’t quite work out; she’s not just your average police officer, is she?”

“I know what you mean. I was amazed when I first met her; I thought then that she wouldn’t be out of place at a ‘Coming Out’ ball. I expected her to have been the highlight of the Hurlingham Club or some other posh venue.” Work rapidly distracted me and I temporarily forgot Celia’s concerns.

During the morning I arranged to visit a local solicitor the next day. I spent every spare moment during the evenings that week writing letters to various official bodies regarding my change of name and gender presentation. While some organisations wanted a certified copy of my Stat Dec, most settled for a photocopy of the original and a few just wanted a letter.

~ O ~

The post that day brought letters from Judy Davenport. Reading between the lines of her response to Doctor Carter, she suggested that he should confine himself to the treatment of everyday ailments and leave the specialist work to those best qualified to deal with it. The letter to the clinic in London simply stated that I was in the process of transitioning from male to female, may well have a hormone imbalance, was supported by my employer and should see a specialist as soon as possible.

She wanted further tests, and suggested that I should find a new doctor. She was convinced that there must have been some reason for my developing the way I did. The blood test also showed up the small dose of oestrogen that I’d been taking, although the levels were quite low and she felt that no damage had been done. She recommended no more hormones until they’d done further tests. She felt that my development must have started much earlier, and could even be antenatal. The cause of my body shape and breast development was probably related to my hormone levels. I smiled when I read that; maybe my body wasn’t so bad for me after all.

No wonder men’s clothes never fitted me

The second letter simply confirmed Judy’s opinion that I identified as female and should be treated as such.

~ O ~

By the time I returned to work as Jenny, most of the new documents had arrived. I’d taken a copy of my Stat Dec in to Sue Fuller and also given her a copy of my note to the staff. She glanced over it and said that it was short and sweet, in other words, just right.

June 2004

All I had to do on the Tuesday was to turn up at the solicitor and swear and sign my Statutory Declaration. In all, it took about fifteen minutes. I walked out with the document, sufficient certified copies to send to those organisations that had requested them and a very bright smile, knowing that I was legally Jennifer Ellen Smith at last. Okay; I had two and a half weeks left to work as John, but I was getting there. After seeing the solicitor, I went into my local town just for the fun of it. Lunch, the library and shopping occupied me for the rest of the day. Jane wasn’t available to visit that evening so I just went home and, after a light meal, used my computer printer to produce some more copies of the Stat Dec. Only later was I reminded that I, like Her Majesty The Queen, now had two birthdays each year; June 1st was now my official birthday.

~ O ~

The next Saturday Jane took me to Southampton so that I could stock up on clothes to wear to the office. I did wonder if I would have a high enough credit limit on my card. I was very surprised when Jane just said, “I’m paying for today, so put your card away.” No amount of arguing would change her mind, so I just gave her a big kiss to thank her. I didn’t care if anyone objected.

It took all day to get a car load of outfits but we decided that, by mixing and matching blouses, skirts, trousers, jackets, strappy, tee and cap-sleeved tops, I could stretch the lot to become the basis of a very versatile working wardrobe, although I’d obviously need more as time went on. Add to that some shoes, bags and jewellery and we must have made a really severe dent in Jane’s credit card balance.

How I got through the next couple of weeks I don’t know. I was on tenterhooks in case anything went wrong — but it didn’t. I never realised how easy it would all be. The time seemed to drag heavily but I was kept busy at work and, in my spare time, writing letters.

~ O ~

Friday the 18th June, and the last day of my time as John had finally arrived. I was afraid that they would try to send me out with a bang, but I was glad when Greg just shook my hand and asked, “What are you going to do next week?”

“I’ve got so much preparation to do, I don’t know if a week and a half is long enough.”

“Well, we can’t do without you for ever so we’ll look forward to seeing you on the 1st July. No I won’t, I’ll see Jenny on the 1st July. Well, goodbye John, and thanks for all you’ve done.”

I grinned, thanked him for all his help and walked towards the lift, stopping on the way at Celia’s desk. I had a huge lump in my throat and was near to tears.

“Hey, come on girl, not long now,” she said, quietly but brightly.

“I know, and I’m petrified.”

“Why? After that performance the other week? You’ll walk it.”

“I hope so. Look, I really am very grateful for your help, both of you.” I had turned to include Jill in this. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“That’s what friends are for. And we girls have to stick together. See you on the first of July.”

“Okay, bye,” I said, as I walked out; I went home, changed and put all of John’s clothes in the wash. The next morning, I took those few, which might sell, to a charity shop. The rest went to a recycling bank. I promised myself that I would make it as Jenny or go down fighting. There was no going back.

Of course, I had no idea at that time that someone really would try to kill me.

End of part 8