I knew that.

by Ollie

---

 
 
Part 4
 
On Sunday, dad had to work again on this big project he had but I didn’t mind because Gina always had good things to do and I remembered I was going to meet up with Freya and Jasmine again. What I didn’t expect was that Evan would also be around. I thought he would be kicking his football around mindlessly like he always did, but he didn’t seem to want to go anywhere.

Gina had dressed me as normal while Evan lazed in bed. She breezed in and opened Evan’s wardrobe. That was my cue to go the bathroom and wash. When I returned, Gina had my clothes ready. I say ‘my clothes’, but, in fact, none of them were mine or the ones dad had packed in my weekend bag. Today, she dressed me in the black tights again with the denim shorts and a red top with ‘Girl Power’ emblazoned across the front; no room for doubt there.

I loved the tights, they were my favourite thing, my best discovery, and I couldn’t help looking at my legs at every opportunity. Evan noticed and couldn’t help making a comment. In fact, he was a pain all morning. I think he was bored but his comments aimed at me were hurtful. He called me a sissy at one stage and I burst into tears. I shouldn’t have cried but the confusion I was feeling, along with the way he was treating me, just got to me. He was immediately sorry and tried to make amends.

“I want to go home,” I sniffed. “I want to go back to my old life.”

“Please don’t cry,” he said. “I didn’t mean it.” I sniffed and tried to stop the tears falling and Evan became more alarmed.

“You don’t want me here and I don’t want to be here, so we have that in common,” I said, eventually.

“I would hate it if you left,” he said. “Your dad is great to me and you…” he hesitated. “You are really nice, too.”

I knew how much he idolised my dad and I could see that my dad was fond of him. In many ways he was the son I couldn’t be. I knew that. I was just feeling a bit at sea over what was happening. I also knew that I would hate to lose Gina now. I tried to recover.

“It’s okay,” I said at last. “I’m just confused.”

Evan nodded as if he understood, but how could he?

“I think you make a great girl,” he said. I think he was trying to make me feel better.

I nodded. “I think it suits me. I’m a lousy boy. I never fitted in properly.”

“Not surprising, if you really are a girl inside,” he said. I looked at him. What did he know? He was full of surprises and then he had another one up his sleeve. He hugged me!

Gina appeared at the point where Evan was comforting me.

“Everything alright here?” she asked.

“She was a bit upset mum, but she is alright now,” Evan said. He looked at me to see if I was going to say anything to get him into trouble. I smiled and wiped my eyes, showing that the upset was over. Gina smiled and reminded me that Freya and Jasmine were due over soon. Evan groaned but peace was restored.

Later, I realised that Evan had referred to me as ‘she’ and Gina hadn’t said anything about it. Neither had I!
 
 
Evan went out to see a friend when Freya and Jasmine turned up. Freya told me again what a total cutie he was and, although I didn’t agree, I said he was quite nice for a brother. Our dancing was as good as ever and I didn’t object when Jasmine suggested we call Toby and invite him over. Freya moaned a bit. “But he’s a boy!” she said. “Our dances are for girls!”

“Not to dance with us! To watch us!” Jasmine announced. “And besides,” she continued, “he can get to see Dani again. Bet she won’t object to that!” She grinned at me. Any chance of telling them the truth and explaining myself were fast disappearing. But then, I was feeling less and less like explaining myself and more and more like enjoying my new popularity, instead.

Toby was impressed, or he said he was! We danced for him but soon pulled him in and he danced, too. Freya suggested that we make up a dance where we split into pairs and I got paired with Toby which was great fun. He may be a great ballet dancer but I could teach him a thing or two about our style of dancing. He was a fast dancer and quick learner. After he had gone, the others made fun of me, saying I fancied him and so on. I said very little.

It was such a strange feeling having friends as good as Freya and Jasmine. It was also so strange to know a boy who noticed me and seemed to like me. I couldn’t think of a single boy at school who I could call a friend. There wasn’t any boy who would even stop and talk to me. To the boys in my class, I was invisible. Toby, on the other hand, was a real friend. My life was certainly changing.
 
 
Back home, during the week, I once again found myself thinking back on those changes and the strange weekend. I was back to ‘boy clothes’ for school but I found myself noticing what the girls were wearing and thinking about what did and didn’t look good. Emily, my best friend at school, noticed that I had changed.

“You play with your hair more,” she said, “and you are less awkward.”

I didn’t know what she meant by ‘awkward’ but she explained that I was always so tense at school, avoiding any trouble and keeping out of the way of the boys, watching how I stood or walked.

“You seemed scared to be caught out,” she went on. “Now, you seem more at ease.”

It was true that I kept out of the way of boys. I had been made fun of enough in the past to know that it was best to keep myself to myself. The boys just didn’t like me. There wasn’t a single boy at school that had anything to do with me. Then I remembered Toby. He was the first boy who liked me. He was so nice to me, but he thought I was a girl. His friends were nice, too. All the boys in the park had wanted to play with Freya, Jasmine and me. When I was a boy nobody took much notice of me but, when they thought I was a girl, boys as well as girls wanted to play with me.

Strange!

I didn’t know what Emily meant about being ‘caught out’ but I had a really bad moment over the weekend. Freya suggested we pair up for the dances and Toby said, “I know! How about boys and girls?” My heart froze. I thought he knew my secret.

“What you saying?” Freya asked with her hands on her hips. “You calling me a tomboy?”

“I wouldn’t dare,” he said and laughed. The moment passed but it had been quite a shock. Then, it dawned on me that nobody for a minute thought of me as a boy or even a tomboy. I was making quite a success of this girl thing.

I wondered what it would be like if Emily met Jasmine, Freya and Toby. I couldn’t let the two sides of my life meet or secrets would come tumbling out but I couldn’t help wondering if life at school with my new friends would be kinder and better.
 
 
At my school, the boundaries were really clear. I was certainly a boy there… or at least I did my best to be ‘boylike’. Things became more fluid, at home. After school, I started changing into the clothes Gina had packed for me. At first, I only put on the grey top or white long sleeved t shirt with my normal jeans but, by Wednesday, I got more adventurous and wore the skinny jeans with my pink top. I also started slapping around the house in my blue slippers, almost sad that I didn’t have my nightdress to wear. If dad noticed, he didn’t say anything. He didn’t look cross or anything and he didn’t act differently. Each day, on arriving home, I went through my clothes and selected something and each day my eyes quickly dismissed my usual clothes in favour of my ‘girl’ ones. I just felt better wearing them. I fingered the tights, wondering if I dared.
 
 
By Thursday it was too much. I had spent that day admiring the tights worn by girls in my class and remembering how comfortable they had felt last weekend. I was jealous that the girls got to wear them so, on arriving home, I rushed past dad and up the stairs. As usual, he told me to get changed.

“I am changing,” I said to myself. “I really am changing!” I told the mirror!

I hesitated only for a moment.

Would dad mind?

He didn’t at Gina’s but this was different, somehow. If dad made a fuss, I decided I would at least finally start a conversation about why Gina bought me girls’ clothes.

I pulled on the tights and once again felt both strange and excited by the feel on my legs. I put on the shorts which were both tight and very short and a white top that looked like a vest but which was much too soft and shiny to be anything a boy would wear. I sneaked into my dad’s room for a look in the full length mirror and the girl me smiled back. I could see that I was getting to like her. Life felt better when I was a girl.

I took a mug of tea into my dad. He was head down, working on something or other but he noticed my clothes straight away. He smiled and hugged me into his side. I let myself be hugged and played with the loose strands of my hair. He then produced a present for me. I was amazed. It wasn’t my birthday or anything. I opened the small box and pulled out a necklace with the name, ‘Dani’, in silver. It was lovely. The spelling wasn’t lost on me. It was some time since my dad had called me Daniel. I hugged dad even closer and kissed him on the cheek. He was obviously pleased by the enthusiasm that I had shown.

Dad eventually decided I had homework to do and made a space on his desk next to him so I could do it. I didn’t do it very well. The task was to write about an important day. I had so much I wanted to write; about meeting Gina or dancing with Freya or Jasmine, or meeting Toby and realising that a boy actually liked me, or wearing tights in town, or my dad buying me a necklace with my new name on it. They were special days. They were important days.

Instead, I wrote about the first time I met Gina but I left so much out that I wanted to tell everybody about, that, in the end, my work didn’t sound very important at all. No wonder my teacher, when he read it, said “You don’t have a very exciting life do you?” I blushed. If only he knew. If only I could tell him that, when I went home I would change into the real me and snuggle up next to my dad on the sofa wearing tights and shorts, and that I would be dreaming about the next weekend with Gina wondering what was left to discover.
 
 
I reached the stage where I could hardly wait for the end of school on Friday. I used to like school but now the weeks seemed to go so slowly and I was desperate to reach the weekend. I suppose my dream would be to live during the week in the way I spent the weekends. Dad helped as much as he could. I noticed my new school trousers, although black, were different. No wonder. They had come from ‘Miss Second Glance’ and were styled to appeal to girls; as much as boring school trousers could. However, I was grateful to my dad and I smiled to myself when I noticed the trousers of some of the other girls. It made me feel better that I was wearing the same. No trouble from the boys. To them, I was still invisible.

So each Friday, dad collected me from school and we drove over town to her house with me still in school uniform. When we got there, though, I got changed straight away. At first, I hoped Gina would dress me but I couldn’t think how to ask her without sounding like a four year old so, most Fridays, I took myself up to Evan’s room and changed. Better that than wait until Saturday for the girl me to appear. Evan would normally be on his computer and, mostly, he would ignore me. I would open the wardrobe and take out what was obviously left there for me.

“I wish mum would get you your own,” he said on one occasion. “It freaks me out to open it and see girls’ clothes in my wardrobe.”

End of Part Four
 
 
To Be Continued...